[Loree the chinchilla is sitting on the couch, by herself.]
Loree: Hiiieee and welcome back to “We’re Richter, Too!” In case you’ve forgotten this is a lovely show starring the lovable, downtrodden residents of the second floor of Richter Hall. Starring me in particular. Anyways, today we are showing an original Richter-2 story, which we have tentatively titled, “Predator and Prey: A Love Story.”
[Voices shout from off camera.]
Susan: Don’t you dare show that!
Chris: I swear I’ll get you back for this, Loree!
[The camera pans to show Chris and Susan tied up and leaning against the wall. Loree ignores the shouts and continues talking.]
Loree: Unfortunately, some of the cast have “artistic differences” and did not want it to be shown. They feel that it misrepresents them. Fortunately for you all, we’re going to show this bit of Richter-2 history anyways.
Chris: If I ever get free of these ropes I’m gonna make a chinchilla stew out of you!
Susan: And I’ll make myself a new pair of slippers!
[Dave walks on camera and sits next to Loree.]
Dave: Are you sure this is a good idea? Those two seem pretty miffed about this. Neither handles this kind of embarrassment well. They might actually carry out their threats.
Loree: They’ve said the same to each other for years
and haven’t succeeded yet. Besides,
Dave: I don’t know, Loree. They seem to be chewing through those ropes at a pretty good clip.
Loree: What!? Start the movie before they get loose! NOW!
[Dave hops quickly to his pile of AV equipment and fiddles with it. He turns his head to Chris and Susan as he works.]
Dave: Remember, this was all Loree’s idea. I’m just following orders.
Susan: Then you’ll follow in her foot steps, bunny boy.
Chris: It didn’t work for Eichman, it won’t work for you.
Loree: Do it, Dave!
And tell
[Dave gulps and presses one last button. The movie starts. Loree, Elsa, and Susan are sitting at a bar in a dimly lit restaurant/pub. The author being a socially responsible person, none of them has an alcoholic beverage.]
Elsa: So how did your classes go this week?
Loree: It’s been a good week. Proffesor Higgins really liked my paper on how to covertly promote a political ideology while still appearing to be objective and non-political.
[Elsa stares at her.]
Loree: What? Is my fur messed up?
Elsa: Never mind. How about you, Susan?
[Susan quickly gulps down the rest of her drink.]
Susan: Awful. I overslept and missed an exam. I got a C on my last lab. And to top it all off, I can’t find a mammalian cadaver for my next lab. The last available one was bought by some jerk of a carnivore just before I got there. I’m going to fail without it.
[Loree stares at both of them with a look that combined horror and nausea.]
Susan: Med students have to dissect something, don’t they?
Elsa: Where did you think the meat I eat comes from? A magic hat?
Loree: Let’s change the subject. I just met this cute jackass in my Manipulative Psychology class.
Elsa: How can he be cute if he’s a jackass?
Loree: I mean that he is a donkey.
Elsa: I know. I’ve never seen a cute donkey.
Loree: Well who have you been seeing lately?
Elsa: Vell, I vas seeing a
[Loree and Susan stare at Elsa for a second. Loree quickly turns to Susan.]
Loree: How about you, Susan?
Susan: I try to focus my time on my academic studies. I don’t want a boyfriend.
Elsa: Untrue. You don’t know how to get one and are far too shy about it to change.
Susan: Where did you hear that tripe?
Elsa: You talk in your sleep. It gets better though. You have a crush on someone, too. Someone in our dorm.
Loree: Aww, how kyoot! Tell me, who
is the unlucky target of your affections?
Darryl? Jim? Edwards?
Ohh, I know!
Susan: She’s making it all up! I don’t have a crush on anyone!
Elsa: If you don’t tell her I will.
[Susan sighs in resignation and places her head on the table.]
Susan: Michael Hopkins.
Loree: Mikey!?! That self-righteous, self-absorbed, pre-pubescent, third floor kangaroo?!
Elsa: The one and only.
Susan: He’s wonderful. He’s noble, altruistic, dedicated, hard-working, and kind. The fact that he is incredibly cute and fluffy and built like an exceptionally flexible god also helps.
Loree: I don’t know how you can be attracted to one of those nuts on the third floor.
[Jennifer suddenly leans in and speaks to Susan.]
Jen: Loree’s right. Why don’t you go out with me instead? I’ll expand your horizons.
Susan: How many times do I have to say it? I like my horizons just the way they are. Now buzz off!
Jen: Hmmpf! Your loss.
[Jen walks off and sits down at a table.]
Elsa: You should be nicer to Jennifer. She is the only person to have ever asked you out.
Susan: Shut up.
Loree: So are you going to ask him out, Susan?
Susan: Yes, but mostly because you won’t stop pestering me until I do.
Loree: I just want you to be happy.
Susan: You want to see me embarrass myself.
Loree: Nah, I have Chris for that.
[The camera moves over to a table in the corner. Chris, Darryl, Dave, Jennifer, and Doby are sitting at it. Chris is laughing hysterically. Darryl and Dave are staring at Jennifer incredulously.]
Darryl: Susan is in love with who?
Jen: You heard me the first time. Mikey.
Chris: This is great! Susan has a crush on Mikey! Even if by some miracle she succeeds, those two will drive each other mad! I can’t think of a better torture for the two people I despise most! I’m going to have to keep an eye on this.
Dave: Isn’t Lisa his girlfriend or something?
Chris: She wishes she were. In any case, I believe the proper quote is “All’s fair in love and war.”
Jen: That reminds
me. Do you know where
[Darryl gestures off to another part of the pub.]
Darryl: He’s playing darts with Fred.
Jen: Thanks.
[Jen gets up and walks off in the direction indicated.]
Chris: You know, if Susan actually wins Mikey’s heart, Lisa might consider going out with other guys. Maybe I’ll have a shot.
Doby: Extremely unlikely. Your past attempts of finding a mate have ended disastrously. The opposite gender does not take you seriously and you have problems properly communicating with them. Lisa, in particular, is likely to reject you due both to your lack of an impressive physique and your occasional bits of viciousness in your normally cheerful personality.
[Chris reaches into his pocket, pulls out a twenty and slides it across to Doby.]
Chris: Go get yourself a drink or three.
Doby: Thanks, Chris. It’s been far too long.
[Doby gets up and quickly walks to the bar. Dave and Darryl stare at Chris.]
Chris: He’s easier to tolerate as a drunken idiot. We probably won’t see him for another 36 hours.
Darryl: If he ends up hanging by his boxers from the clock tower, you will be the one to get him down.
Chris: He’s only done that twice. Besides, he’s a big dog now. He can take responsibility for his own actions.
Dave: Doby was right, though. You haven’t been gone out on a single date for as long as I’ve known you. And I doubt that you have ever had any sort of romantic relationship.
Chris: So what if I haven’t? Does that make me some sort of freak?
Dave: Your word, not mine. Probably not too far off though.
[Chris tenses and shoots an evil look at Dave. Darryl puts a hand on Chris’ shoulder.]
Darryl: Relax, Chris. You’ll find someone.
Chris: Yeah, you’re right. Hopefully, Lisa is it.
[Now we move to Leon the ferret and Fred the goat. Fred is dirty white, with long hair and a
beard. He is dressed in a tie-die shirt
and faded blue jeans with many patches.
Jen is standing aside as
Jen: And how did you come to that conclusion, O bammy homophobe?
[
[Fred picks up a dart.]
Jen: Thank you for killing off even more of my neurons with your unenlightened prattle.
Jen: Well what do you make of it, Freddie?
Fred: Susan has some serious problems with her karma. Her chi just doesn’t flow properly, man.
Fred: Of course it will. It is purely a matter of focusing the mind’s energies.
[Fred closes his eyes, chants a little mantra, and chucks the dart. Susan screams in pain.]
Jen: I would recommend using your eyes rather than your chi next time.
Susan: Who threw that?! It was you, wasn’t it Chris?!
Fred: I told you she has some serious karma problems. Else she wouldn’t have been hit.
Chris: I didn’t do it! Give me some credit. I’d be more creative than simply throwing things at you.
[
Darryl: Calm down, Susan. Chris did no such thing. We were just talking about how he just bought the last bit of beef from the morgue yesterday.
Chris: I got some real nice cuts of meat out of it, too.
Susan: YAAAAHH!!
Chris: Aw, nuts. And I didn’t even do anything on purpose.
[Susan leaps at Chris, smashing the table and sending drinks flying. Dave and Darryl fall to the ground as Susan grabs Chris’ neck and starts beating his head against the ground. Doby at the bar sees this and quickly finishes his sixth beer.]
Doby: BAR FIGHT!
[Doby immediately turns and punches the guy next to him. This person happens to be Biff. Doby does a double take and immediately helps up the bruised lion. The non-fighting patrons just stare at all the commotion.]
Doby: Wow, I just punched Biff Kingston! Can I have your autograph? I’m your biggest fan!
Loree: He’s your only fan.
[Biff brushes himself off.]
Biff: Of course you can have my autograph. Here!
[On the last word, Biff punches Doby, who topples backwards into the bar, spilling more drinks and knocking around more bar patrons. Unfortunately for Doby, these bar patrons include the entire offensive team of the DeMontfort Griffons. Soon thereafter, the pub devolves into an actual bar fight.]
Loree: Let’s get out of here!
[Loree and Elsa make for the exit. They stop to try to get Susan, but she is busy trying to kill Chris. They give up and leave without her. Dave and Darryl climb out from under a table.]
Dave: You okay, Chris? We have to get out of here!
[Chris instinctively bites Susan’s arm causing a nasty flesh wound. Susan releases her grip and Chris shoves her away. He gets up and rubs his throat.]
Chris: Be with you in a minute.
[Susan leaps onto Chris’s back. Chris reaches behind himself and grabs Susan’s tail. He manages to pull her off. Still holding on to the tail he whirls around a bit and manages to fling Susan into the maelstrom at the bar. She lands on Biff, in case you were wondering.]
Chris: Ready to go.
Darryl: Go then, I gotta go get Susan and Doby.
Chris: Are you mad? Leave them.
Darryl: A bit of effort now saves me a lot of bail money.
Dave: Fine then, see you later.
[Chris and Dave dash out the door. As a final gesture of spite, Susan flings an
empty bottle at them from the melee.
Fade to black. New
scene. In Susan
and Elsa’s room early the next morning.
Elsa is sleeping in her bed, a plush mousie in
her arms, dreaming whatever it is that female anthropomorphic cats from
Elsa: Go ‘vay.
[More loud knocking, then Susan starts shouting.]
Susan: Wake up Elsa! The French are attacking!
[Elsa snaps up, wide-eyed.]
Elsa: Impossible, ve’re supposed to invade them! Vhat? Oh, it’s you.
Susan: Yeah, it’s me, now let me in already!
[Elsa pulls herself out of bed and unlocks the door. Susan walks in, even more disheveled than usual. Her lab coat is in tatters and the rest of her clothing is in little better condition. Her fur is patchy and stained and she has a bandage wrapped around her left forearm.]
Susan: [sarcastic] Thanks for all the help last night.
Elsa: I’m your friend not your bodyguard. Besides, Chris didn’t do anything that time. [studies Susan’s appearance] What happened to you last night?
Susan: If I remember correctly, after everyone but Doby and Darryl left I kept myself busy by beating up Biff. I needed to work off some steam. After I became bored of that I left the bar. The last thing I saw was Darryl trying to pry Doby away from the bar taps. It was well after two by then I think. Seeing as how Mikey would be up soon anyways, I waited around for another hour or two so that I could ask him out while he was jogging.
Elsa: Sounds exciting. Vhat happened?
Susan: Did you know how dangerous it is around campus that early in the morning? I nearly was run over by some crazy wolf on a bicycle. Anyways, I eventually found Mikey.
Elsa: Did you ask him?
Susan: Of course I did. He didn’t hear me though. I grabbed his arm to get his attention, but that didn’t work either. After much prodding I was able to get an answer out of him.
Elsa: Vhich vas…?
Susan: Actually he said quite a bit, but I didn’t listen to most of it as I was too busy cuddling him. I did hear the bit about rejecting me, though.
Elsa: I’m not surprised if he saw you like that. You don’t seem very upset by this. Vhy?
Susan: Because you’re right. I look like road kill.
Elsa: And smell like it.
Susan: Are you going to stand there and make smart remarks or are you going to help me?
Elsa: Of course I vill help.
[Normally would follow a “magic makeover” scene, but those things are really annoying so I’ll take pity on you guys and skip it. Instead, we’ll cut to the lounge where Chris is talking to Darryl.]
Chris: Long night?
Darryl: You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.
Chris: Considering that I just saw Doby walk by naked with balloons tied to his ears, his fur dyed yellow, and “Party Naked!” shaved into his rear, I’ll believe that I wouldn’t believe it.
Darryl: Good. Because I really didn’t want to explain that.
Chris: What was with Susan last night anyway? I didn’t even insult her. Usually she needs a little kindling before she goes ballistic.
Darryl: It’s probably that time of the month.
Chris: Nah, that’s next week. I checked my calendar.
Darryl: You have her period marked on your calendar?
Chris: Of course. It’s a dangerous time for me. I mark it on my calendar so I can be prepared ahead of time. Last month she stuffed me in one of the dryers.
Darryl: I remember. The lint in the filter was red. And your fur was poofed out. And the dryer was busted and still hasn’t been repaired.
Chris: You’re the RA. Why didn’t you stop her? That really hurt by the way.
Darryl: “The government that governs least, governs best.” Besides, I’m not going to risk injury by trying to stop Susan when she’s like that. If it makes you feel better, I gave her a written warning the next day.
Chris: Thanks.
Darryl: Where’s Dave? I thought he was with you.
Chris: He is “entertaining” a guest in our room. Otherwise, I’d be in there sleeping.
Darryl: You sound resentful.
Chris: I am. Especially after our conversation last night.
Darryl: I’m sure you’ll find someone. Eventually.
Chris: [suddenly upbeat] I’m not worried. When Susan steals away Lisa’s precious ‘roo, I’ll be there to make my move. She’ll be alone, sad, and vulnerable. Should be a piece of cake to pick her up.
[Elsa enters the lounge, followed by Susan.]
Chris: Well look what the cat dragged in.
Elsa: Hush, Chris. Darryl, tell me how you think Susan looks.
[I said there was a magical makeover sequence, but I lied. Susan still looks like Susan, just cleaned up and well groomed. However, her clothing is far more revealing than usual. She has ditched her usual lab coat, blouse, and slacks, for one of Elsa’s tank tops and mini skirts. Her hair is also down instead of her normal pony tail.]
Darryl: Pretty good. I’m impressed, Elsa.
[Chris slowly walks around Susan and stops in front of her face, muzzle to muzzle.]
Chris: So am I. From promising physician to dorm hall skank in three easy steps.
[Susan grits her teeth and looks like she’s about to try to kill Chris again.]
Elsa: Ignore him Susan. Mauling him will only mess your fur back up again.
Susan: Chris is right, Elsa. I feel like a skank wearing this stuff.
Elsa: What do you mean? Those are my clothes.
Chris: I think I can explain. Susan is significantly bigger than you are. This causes the clothes to stretch in interesting ways. Especially so when compared to her normal loose and more covering clothing. What is a miniskirt and midriff on you are hot pants and sports bra for Susan. To sum it up, she reminds me of Kim Greenwald in heat.
[Susan smacks Chris hard enough to cause him to spin around and fall to the floor. Jennifer sticks her head in and does a double take at seeing Susan.]
Jen: *whistle* Looking good, sweet stuff.
[She continues on her way.]
Chris: [from floor] I rest my case.
Darryl: Be nice, Chris. Susan needs all the help she can get if she’s going to make a move on Mikey.
Susan: Where did you hear that?!
Darryl: A little doe told me.
Susan: Great. Now I bet the whole floor knows.
Darryl: Probably, but Chris here is the only enemy you have. And he won’t stop you from getting Mikey, will you Chris?
Chris: [from the floor] The thought had occurred to me, but it is my belief that you can fail disastrously in this endeavor without my help.
Darryl: See? Everyone will help.
Elsa: Let’s go get him, Susan! Loree has a great plan!
Susan: Since when did my quest to get Mikey for myself become the floor’s group project?
[Everyone ignores her as Elsa drags her out of the room. Cut to the third floor. It is strange to note, that despite being the sixth episode in a piece of TCM fanfiction, that this is the first time the third floor has been seen on “We’re Richter, Too!” Elsa, Susan, and Loree step out of the stairwell. They stop momentarily and look around.]
Loree: Strange. It’s like the second floor, but smaller.
Elsa: Without a woman’s bathroom.
Susan: And nobody here knows we exist.
[The door to 301 opens and out steps Dani, clipboard in hand.]
Dani: Hey, you can’t be here without being escorted by a resident.
[Susan rolls her eyes, Elsa shakes her head, and Loree glares at Dani.]
Dani: Don’t you look at me like that. Now get out of here or else.
[Dani taps her clipboard against her thigh to demonstrate what was meant by “or else.” Scott chooses this moment to step out of the bathroom. Loree sighs with exasperation at her bad luck.]
Loree: [glumly pointing at Scott] We’re with him.
[Dani stares at Loree with her mouth hanging open. So do Elsa and Susan.]
Dani: But he just got out of the shower. All he’s wearing is a towel.
[It takes every ounce of Loree’s self-control to say the next line with a smile.]
Loree: That’s the way we like him. Isn’t that right, Scotty?
Scott: [confused, but quickly taking advantage of his seeming good fortune.] Er, yeah, of course you do. All the chicks do. Come ladies, let’s go to my room.
[Scott walks towards his room, followed by Loree. Elsa and Susan are still staring at Loree. Loree turns back and winks at her floormates.]
Loree: Come on. Don’t be frightened. Scott won’t know what hit him.
[Susan and Elsa reluctantly enter Scott’s room.]
Dani: Well, I didn’t see that one coming.
[Cut to inside Scott and Mikey’s room. Scott is lying on the floor unconscious. Loree is holding a massive calculus text book.]
Susan: Phew, you had me worried for a moment.
Loree: What an idiot. Who would believe that three girls you don’t even now would show up in your hall and want to have sex with him?
Elsa: He must be the optimistic type.
Susan: So what was this plan of yours anyway?
Loree: First, me and Elsa seal the other rooms to make sure you aren’t disturbed. Most people are still in bed. We were unlucky that Dani was up. You hide in here. Now, when Mikey gets back from whatever it is he does on Saturday mornings, you pounce on him.
Susan: I’m a squirrel. Squirrels don’t pounce.
Elsa: Don’t expect me to pounce him for you.
Loree: I meant that figuratively. Use your feminine wiles and endless charm. Seduce him. Whatever it is you want to do with him.
Elsa: Vhat charm?
Loree: Not now, Elsa. We have to go seal the doors. Good luck.
Elsa: And good hunting.
[Loree pulls some rope and duct tape out of her attaché case, and she and Elsa leave the room.]
Susan: Some plan.
[She locks the door and decides to rifle through Mikey’s stuff while she’s waiting. I’ve kindly put her thoughts into italics. She goes through his CDs (hmm, maybe this is why he’s so high-strung, it would make me spastic), his notes (Look at them all! He might as well have written his own textbooks. Hey, look, he’s bound some into a book. He did write his own textbook.), his food (What? No nuts?), and his clothing (I can’t believe he has three different sets of the same outfit. I only have two.). After a few minutes, a key can be heard being put into the lock. Susan quickly moves so that she will be behind the door when it opens. Mikey flings the door open causing Susan a modest amount of pain. Mikey walks over to his desk to begin his Saturday morning studies. However, his quest for academic excellence is interrupted by his tripping over the prostrate form of Scott.]
Mikey: It’s
[Mikey shakes Scott until he regains consciousness. He sits up and rubs his head.]
Scott: I had this
bizarre dream. I woke up and took my
shower like I always do, but when I walked out of the bathroom there were three
cute girls there that said they liked me wet and naked.
Mikey: [staring flatly at Scott] Is this going to be obscene?
Scott: Unfortunately, no. When they came into my room, the chinchilla beat me in the head with my calculus textbook. And then I woke up. Do you think it means anything?
Mikey: I would say your subconscious is telling you to stop chasing women and spend more time on your studies.
Scott: I’ll be sure to forget it then.
[Scott throws some clothes on and leaves. He shuts the door behind him, revealing Susan. Mikey doesn’t notice as he’s already studying. Susan quietly walks behind him.]
Susan: He’s soo kyooot. Dear Lord,
did I just say cute as kyoot? Control yourself Susan. You’re not some airhead like Lisa. But I could squeeze and cuddle him all
day. NO!
Focus. What to do? How should I get his attention?
[Susan compromises with herself by putting her hands on Mikey’s shoulders and squeezing slightly. Unfortunately for the romantic atmosphere, this causes Mikey to jump up, scream, and knock his chair and Susan onto the floor.]
Mikey: AAAHH!
Susan: [smiling weakly] Sorry. I didn’t mean to frighten you.
Mikey: Who are you? What are you doing here?
[Susan gets up and straightens her clothing.]
Susan: We met earlier today. I’m Susan.
Mikey: Weren’t you that girl in tattered clothing who threw herself into my arms while I was jogging?
Susan: Er, yes.
Mikey: Well I’m glad to see you took some of my advice. Hygiene is very important.
Susan: Of course it is.
Mikey: It’s also good to see that you finally dressed that wound on your arm. How did you get it anyway?
Susan: A mangy fox bit me. Totally unprovoked, too.
Mikey: Have you had your shots? Rabies is the fifth leading cause of death for college students.
Susan: Don’t worry. My health is perfect. I’m a med student after all.
Mikey: Finally, someone who knows proper living. Did you come up here to get help exercising? I’m sorry, but I’ve already finished for today.
[Susan looks down and realizes that the tight fitting and brightly colored clothes did look a lot like an exercise outfit. Thank you, Elsa. She immediately seizes the opportunity.]
Susan: Of course! How about some other time?
[Mikey flips through his calendar.]
Mikey: How about next, Thursday? I’ll be at the gym that day at
Susan: It’s a date!
[Susan hugs Mikey and skips out the door.]
Mikey: Date?
[Meanwhile, in Chris and Dave’s room. Chris is busily working at his desk while Dave watches from the top bunk bed. Their room was jointly decorated. Dave put all the car pictures on the walls, while Chris put all the junk on the floor. Well, that’s not completely fair. Chris has some family pictures on his desk, too.]
Dave: What are you doing anyway? And what’s that stuff in the jar? It smells nasty.
[Chris turns around, grinning and holding a beaker of yellowish liquid.]
Chris: This, my dear friend, is the solution to my problem.
Dave: That problem being…
Chris: How to get Mikey interested in Susan and so force Lisa to look for someone else. Namely, me.
Dave: So what’s that in the jar? Love potion?
Chris: You’re more right than you know. This is synthesized kangaroo testosterone. If there’s anything on the planet to get that screwy ‘roo acting like a regular college student, it’s this stuff.
Dave: Isn’t drugging someone illegal?
Chris: It’s
technically not a drug. And I don’t know
of any laws against it. Besides, I’ll be
helping
Dave: You should try law. You’re great at rationalizing.
Chris: Heh, and my professors called me irrational.
Dave: So you’re going to slip that into his food?
Chris: Don’t you know anything about organic chemistry? Hormones are delicate and temperamental organic molecules. They’d be broken down by the digestive system.
Dave: So what are you going to do then? Chase him down and inject it?
Chris: Hell no. I may be a predator, but I’m not even going to try chasing Mikey down. I have a better idea. Follow me.
[Chris puts down the beaker and walks out the door. More out of morbid curiosity than anything else, Dave follows. Chris walks down the hall and stops in front of room 205 and knocks on the door.]
Chris: Hey
Chris: Aw, c’mon. I really need your help.
Chris: Please? It involves shooting Mikey.
[The door swings open, and
Chris: At ease, soldier.
[Chris pulls a pistol from his pocket.]
Chris: I want you take this dart gun and shoot Michael Hopkins with a dart filled with a little something from the bio labs. The time and place are of your choosing, but this must be done in the next three days and must be done once a day for a week every day after that. Do you understand me, cadet?
[
[
Chris: It’s always good to see someone who enjoys their work.
Dave: So you’re using
Chris: Yes, but it sounds bad the way you say it. Besides, she’s not his girlfriend.
[Fred pokes his head out the door.]
Fred: Dude, that is seriously bad karma.
Chris: Come on, this is the vixen of my dreams. The lengths I go to win her heart are a sign of the depth of my feelings for her. I’m the only one for Lisa, and if getting her fluffy, hyper pseudo-boyfriend interested in Susan is what it takes, then so be it. Though it pains me to be trying to make Susan happy.
Dave: Doesn’t it seem a little extreme, though? Don’t you think Susan can do this without your help?
Chris: We’re talking about the same Susan, right? She’s about as charming as a constipated rhinoceros. There’s no way that she can get a date with anyone. Let alone someone as oblivious as Mikey. A guy has to be seriously desperate or masochistic to go out with her. The only thing going for her is that she tastes good.
Fred: Dude, she only seems that way when she’s around you.
[Suddenly, the movie turns to static. The lounge of Richter-2 reappears. Loree and Dave are bound and gagged. Susan and Chris are furiously pushing buttons on Dave’s equipment.]
Chris: I think I got it!
Susan: Phew, that was close one.
[Chris and Susan turn towards the camera. They’re both smiling]
Chris: Due to technical difficulties, we are unable to show the rest of this movie.
Susan: Ever.
[Loree works her gag out her mouth.]
Loree: I can’t believe that you two are so childish about-
[Chris clamps her mouth shut.]
Chris: -about our problems in dealing with the opposite sex. Well, Susan and I refuse to let you broadcast this part of our personal lives so that you can get higher ratings.
Susan: Precisely. Besides, there’s enough love stories involving Mikey floating around as it is.
Chris: Mostly with wolves. I don’t know why.
Susan: Yeah, Darryl avoids Mikey for just that reason. He’s afraid he’ll be mistaken for a wolf.
Chris: So, that’s all for tonight folks. We’ll return to TCM storyline spoofs next week.
Susan: Tune in next week, same Richter-2 time, same Richter-2 channel.
[Chris shakes his head and turns to Loree.]
Chris: Will you promise to do the closing bit if I let you go?
[Loree nods and Chris removes his hand.]
Loree: Remember, this program exists solely on nearly non-existent University funding and the generous support of-
Chris: -viewers like you!
[Susan and Chris walk off. They left the camera on.]
Chris: Thank goodness we stopped that.
Susan: If it got out, we’d never live it down. What did you mean about me tasting good, anyway?
Chris: Relax. I’d never eat you. Squirrels are high in cholesterol.
Susan: Am not!
[Their voices fade away. Satisfied that they are gone, Loree turns to the camera.]
Loree: See what they don’t want you to see! Tune in next week for the thrilling conclusion!
[She hobbles over to the controls and turns it off. Fade to black.]