[Chris the fox and Loree the chinchilla are sitting in their usual places on the sofa. Next to the sofa by Chris is a large canvas sack.]
Loree: Hi and welcome back to
“We’re Richter, Too!” The
show that strives to be the best window into life
Chris: Not to mention get us more exposure than the people on the third floor.
Loree: Speaking of which, we have been overjoyed by the amount of mail we have received. The first mail to be received on the second floor other than University paperwork.
Chris: Not even the junk mailers knew we existed.
Loree: Today, we’re going to open some of the mail we received and respond to the best of our abilities.
[Chris picks up the sack and puts it between him and Loree. He opens it and pulls out a letter. He opens the letter and reads it aloud.]
Chris: “Dear Richter 2, Who the hell are you guys? Where are the people that actually live there? Like that smartalecky orange cat. Put him on. Sincerely, Bob”
[Loree and Chris just stare into space for a moment]
Loree: Next letter.
Chris: Right.
[Chris digs into the sack and pulls out another letter]
Chris: “Dear Tony, Did you know that there are a bunch of guys on a TV show claiming to be you? You should stop them before they do something nasty. Sincerely, Zach”
Loree: Next.
[Chris reaches in deeper and pulls out another letter.]
Chris: [Starting to tear up] “Dear Mikey, How come you’re not on this new TV show about Richter Hall? Did they substitute cheap hacks for you guys? They look nothing like you. -Liz”
Loree: Cheap hacks!?!
Chris: That’s cold.
[Both look rather dejected. Ears wilted and wet fur around their eyes. Chris reaches in and pulls out another letter.]
Chris: “Dear Kevin, How do you wash if you don’t like getting wet? Do you stink in real life? Love, Samantha”
Loree: [chuckles] Well, lets answer this one. Should be interesting.
Dave: [from off camera] You’re lucky that we already got this on tape. Elsa asked me to get it for her.
[He dashes out of the room.]
Loree: He has Kevin bathing on tape already?! How?
Chris: He’s good with a camcorder and really sneaky. People get him to videotape others all the time.
Loree: That is one sick bunny.
Chris: He just does it because other people want him to.
Loree: Have you ever made any requests?
Chris: Me!?! Never.
[Dave returns holding a video cassette. He walks over to the big TV at the side of the room and puts it in the VCR]
Chris: Eww. How does he bend like that?
[On the TV, Kevin is bathing himself. With his tongue.]
Dave: Elsa thought it was kind of kinky.
Loree: That’s bizarre.
Dave: You want bizarre? Look at this.
[He fast forwards the tape and stops it. On it, Loree is joyfully rolling around in a big pile of dust]
Chris: Now that is kinky.
Loree: In case you’ve forgotten, I’m a chinchilla. I need dust baths to keep my fur so luxurious. Now turn that off this instant, you voyeuristic bunny!!
Dave: Hey, don’t blame me. Doby paid me to do it.
[Dave shuts the TV off. Chris reaches for another letter.]
Chris: Hey! This one’s actually to us! Ahem, “I love it, now we need to get Vince to mention
Richtor-2 in the strip. Yay! Normal college students unite! -Octapus
‘Way too Happy’ E”
Wait, there’s something else in here…
[He pulls out a small flag with the words “Go, Susan, Go!” stitched onto it. He doesn’t look particularly thrilled.]
Loree: We have fans!
Dave: Wow. This show idea of yours might actually work Loree.
Loree: Today, public television. Tomorrow, our own web comic! Let’s get the next letter, Chris.
Chris: Huh, what? Oh yeah, letter.
[Chris is currently setting fire to the flag. He quickly tosses it into a trash can and removes another letter from the sack. He looks at it and tosses it aside. He digs through the pile, looking for one actually addressed to a Richter-2 resident]
Chris: Hey, found one for Loree! Let’s see here. “Dear Loree, Your new show is great and everything, but do you have to keep that mangy fox around? He’s a real jerk. -Heidi” Jerk!?! I’m not that bad, am I?
Loree: Not too often. You make up for it with your entertainment value.
Chris: Thanks. I think.
[Dave digs through the sack-o-mail and pulls out a letter]
Dave: Let me try one. “Dear Chris, Why do you wear that stupid headset all the time? Does it actually do anything? Or do you wear it because you think it makes you look cool? -Rob”
Chris: [irritated] Yes, it does have a purpose. It’s a radio and communication device. It’s also handy for on-the-scene reporting.
Loree: Not only that, but it lets Chris know exactly how are ratings are doing.
Dave: Why didn’t you take it then?
Loree: It clashes with my outfit and it looks better on him anyways. How are our ratings right now anyways?
Chris: [hurriedly] We only have time for one more, today.
Dave: Okay. [looks through sack] Hey there’s a package in here!
Loree: Let me see it.
[Dave tosses her the box and she reads the label aloud]
Loree: “To: Michael Hopkins, From: The Spotted Avenger”
Chris: AAAAH! GET THAT THING OUT OF HERE!!
[Panicked, Loree tosses the box to Dave, who tosses it to Chris, who in turn tosses it into the hallway. The three of them then dive behind the sofa. Nothing happens for a couple minutes. They stand up after a moment.]
Chris: Ryan must be losing his touch.
Dave: He must be if he had the idiocy to sign it “The Spotted Avenger.”
[Chris walks out into the hallway. He calls back to the others.]
Chris: It’s leaking some kinda gas.
Loree: Not poisonous, is it?
Chris: Heh! It isn’t.
Dave: Then what the hell is it?
Chris: Hehehe. Nitrous Oxide!
[Chris stumbles back in, holding the package and giggling madly]
Chris: It’s laughing gas. Mwa ha ha!
Dave: [chuckles] Is that all?
Loree: [grinning widely] Get that out of here, hehe, we can’t get stoned! Especially on the air!
Chris: Sure thing, toots!
[Dave and Chris think that’s really funny and start laughing. Loree starts to laugh, too.]
Loree: Hehe. Get it out of here now!
[Chris has collapsed on the ground, still laughing]
Chris: No can do, princess. Hahaha!
[Dave collapses, too.]
Loree: [chuckles] Fine, I’ll do it myself, you talking fur coat.
[She picks up the package and starts towards the window, but when she gets to it she is laughing too hard to open it. Loree slumps against the wall.]
Loree: I can’t get rid of it. [she burst out laughing]
[The three lie on the floor laughing madly for several minutes. After a while a ferret wearing desert camo fatigues and a gas mask walks in. He speaks with a southern accent.]
Dave: It was in the mail! Haha! Get rid of it!
Chris: Hehe, we can’t move!
Loree: We’re sorry! Hehehe. Now get that box outta here!
[The ferret opens up the window and tosses the box out. Loree seizes this
opportunity to swipe
Loree: [breathing easier] Hehehe. You better get out or you’ll go insane from laughter, too.
[
Loree: [sounding something like Darth Vader] Whew, glad I’m done with that. Hey Chris, why would that crazy Dalmatian send Mikey laughing gas anyways?
[Chris and Dave are still on the floor. They’ve passed out from laughing so much.]
Loree: That may have something to do with it. Oh well.
[Loree turns back to the camera, she appears to be smiling, but it’s hard to tell under the mask.]
Loree: That’s all we have time for today folks. Next week we shall return to our regular format because opening mail is as dangerous as everything else in this dormitory. Remember, “We’re Richter, Too!” is made possible only by continually decreasing University funding and the loyal support of-
[She pauses for a moment as if waiting for something. She looks down at Chris who is still passed out and appears to be giggling in his dreams. She walks over to him and shakes his shoulders, momentarily rousing him.]
Chris: [sleepily] …viewers like you. Hehe.
[Chris collapses back to the ground. Fade to black.]