spr04

Spring --
It’s my 1st time 2 c the Whitney biennial show & after all the good things I heard about it, I was a bit let down. There’s a long line waiting 4 2 go inside the room where the artwork “fireflies in the water” r installed. Everybody got about 20seconds alone & everybody said it’s worth the waiting. Well, I like the idea of having a private moment w/ it, & took 2 pics of the set-up, I didn’t slipped into the water like some ppl did , but eventually I put on feet in 2 c how deep it was. luckily the water was shallow, though it looked v dark & a bit intimating becoz even w/ the hundreds lightbulbs illuminating dizzily. Overall I think it’s fun & tricky, but wondering what exactly did the artist expect from us. Most of the works I saw r v colorful, eye-candy like, but not v innovative. It’s like going 2 a funhouse enjoying the sight but that’s all, it didn’t leave a lasting impression. Anyhow, I did find sth I love, such as the self-portrait photography by jack pierson in which a naked little kid’s chopping down the wood. Barna Furmus’s computer game-like painting titled “martyr” & “hamburger hill”. The violence depicted was animated in a v sweet way & I like it. jame siena’s “double recusive comb” was like a 3d illusion picture, neat. Hernan Bas’s series of “a little moby dick in all of us” r v delicate & beautifully tragic. My v fav artist was Amy Cutler’s works of gouache on paper. It’s bizarre, fairy-tale like, spacey, otherworldy, mysterious, v distinct from the pop-art style of many other works in the show. I epsc like the large space she left out in the composition, it’s sth that I should learn from becoz most of my works r 2 busy & crowding the edges. I always have a problem w/ that, trying 2hard 2 fill up the picture plane & thus sometimes becomes suffocative, which’s bad. I like the idea of less is more but somehow I just forget about it when I start working.

4 some strange reason I suddenly wanna read Enid blyton’s “the naugtiest girl in the school” again, it’s among the 1st english children books that I read (together w/ “the little princess” & “heidi”) when I was about 14, f.3; as a way 2 improve my english. She used 2 be my fav author b4 I knew anyt about literature. I tried 2 check out her books in public lib but in vain, I guess it’s becoz her kinda old british writing style ‘s 2 out-of-date 4 the contemporary american kids. but I found this book & “the naughtiest girl again”from ebay & bought them from an australian seller. It took me no time 2 read them both ,they seem so easy & short & naļve now, but somehow I still like it. I once made a promise 2 myself that after I finished the public exam in f.5, I’d read everything from the children book shelves at a local library near my home but I never fulfilled it. I turned onto the classic novels instead, but sometimes I feel children books r more interesting than literature, & now comics seem 2 be better than children books yet, so maybe I’m regressing as time goes by..like a defense against aging & responsibilities. I can’t help but feeling old, when I c ppl at the age of 22 r already at work, experienced, or having several relationships. & I’m still here pathetically waiting 4 sth 2 happen, but nothing ever comes. Often times I feel 2 bored 2 even feel depressed w/ my loneliness, & I hardly look into the mirror becoz I’m tired of my boring face. I wonder how long this gonna last….. when I take the train back home at late night passing the bridge, I’d look out 2 c the beautiful nightview of manhattan & wonder how many lonely souls r there among those countless lit rooms thinking the same thing like me. when I get out of the subway & walk home around midnight I’d sometimes c a guy riding a bike passing me by, It’s 2 dark 2 c his face so I wonder if he’s the same person who rides pass & does he remember me. Sometimes I’d fancy him 2 stop in front of me & tell me what a coincidence it is 2 pass me by at 4 many nights. Then we’d start talking like old friends & so forth… in another case, I’d fancy him as a psycho who suddenly takes out a knife & threaten 2 go 2 my place becoz he wanna rob/rape/sth me. then by the time he enters my home he’s fascinated by my toys & stuff that he just wanna befriend me/ make me his girlfriend. I’m so bored I have 2 fancy sth, anything 2 give me comfort. U know, if I was murdered at the beginning of the month, nobody in my classes would care where I’d gone 2, my body would just left rotting

From songs & books it’s always romanticized that the train is where ppl meet & fall in love. Either it’s my bad luck or they lie about the subway courtship thing. 4 I hardly spot anyone my ages during the rides, let alone someone potential. At late-night Most of the faces that I c r tired mid-aged chinese men going home from work, while in the early-morning they r all kinds of adult commuters. Usually I’d carry a newspaper in order 2 cover up my face 4 2 reasons, not 2 be looked at while I’m peeping on ppl, or 2 keep the light out as I’m trying 2 rest my eyes. A week ago when I took the train late at about 11am, a guy my age sat next 2 me & he started drawing on his pocket sketch book. I saw 2 little cartoon figures w/ a heart inside their conversation-clouds on the upper half of the page. Then he stopped & looked at them 4 a while. Suddenly I felt a urge 2 ask him 2 let me draw sth onto it, coz a mental picture popped up in my head & I saw there should be added 2 pets w/ his 2 figures & they’d have a cloud above their heads as well, & they’d be a “?” & a “!”. Or I’d like 2 add 2 trains separating the 2 figures so that they r heading in an opposite direction. they met each other 4 the 1st time as they looked out of the train window & instantly got struck w/ the cupid bow. The 1st idea seemed better coz he might be mistake the 2nd one 2 be my insinuation. However, I didn’t have the guts 2 speak 2 him, all I did was staring hard at the window which reflected him. Looking at the reflection of someone instead of direct eye-contact is what I do when there’s no newspaper. Then my heart started 2 sink becoz I knew I’d so not open my mouth no matter I wish 2 c his reaction w/ my drawing. I told myself “this is yr chance, go 4 it, I’m sick of yr self-inflicted loneliness, it’s totally yr own faults…”. Eventually I gave in 2 my weakness & once again wasted myself. He never noticed me & I didn’t look at his face. We both got off at 14st union sq & transfer from the N-train 2 the 6-train, but I felt 2 discouraged 2 get into the same car he’s in. so that’s the end of the story & he’d never know I was thinking of him all that time, he didn’t even know I existed.

like the chin proverb says our lives r limited but knowledge isn’t, which makes the pursuit of truth & revelation impossible & vexing. The worst part is no matter what it doesn’t help much in the situations of our daily life/status quo, & that sucks….w/ all the philosophizing we r still pretty much what we r in reality, often times things just dun change 4 better. Whether or not I believe in god, luck/chance still seems 2 be the biggest governor of the actual states that I’m in, & they r just as mysterious & inexplicable. Buddhism says all is suffering, which’s so true, but other than that I dun buy their beliefs, epsc reincarnation/karma. Buddha free their minds from all the carnal troubles/pleasures when they attain nirvana, where u r no longer in touch w/ any negative emotions & u’d be at total ease w/ anyt that happens. But then what’s the pt of carrying on w/ yr life, wouldn’t it be simpler 2 end yr life in peace than cleaning up yr mind 2 reach nirvana then. Except 4 the god part, I agree w/ the view “natural things happen naturally in a natural world” as in the chinese philosophy of LaoTzu/Taoism, where there’s no commandments 2 keep, but following the nature’s way. But I’m not sure if it’s better 2 live this “natural” life than a “god-willed” life. Deep down I also fancy myself as the nietzsche’s superman who strives 4 the power 2 will & change & make the most out of life aesthetically, but I’m just 2 weak 4 that.
I used 2 dream of being born a bird, who doesn’t wanna fly? But later on I only wish 2 be a domestic dog like my YY, no need 2 worry about shelter & food, but v settled & laid back, being cared 4 by my keepers , no responsibilities. All I do is enjoying myself, playing w/ other dogs/ppl & watching their ups&downs like a movie. It’s true that living a life w/ the animal’s ignorant bliss like a satisfied pig may not worth living much becoz being able 2 think is what makes us human being superior as we can feel & experience things that animals can’t. But at least it wouldn’t give me so much of a headache like I do now in the first place.
the holy spirit which’s supposed 2 be granted only 2 born-again/baptized ppl, so the disciples in the NT weren’t able 2 be like Christ in spirit until the day of Pentecost. W/o HS u dun have access 2 the “mysteries” of god so u wouldn’t understand why this & that, but that’s what unbelievers wanted all along….a sign…but they’d never be able 2, since the sign’s only revealed 2 the chosen…
Most ppl insist that god has 2 be perfect in all directions, be it love or justice, coz otherwise what’s the value of faith in an non-omnipotent god. But I dun think so, as I said b4 his imperfection is still way more perfect than the whole human race combined, so there’s still nothing that god can’t do, only that he’s silent, always… I found a v interesting pt made in the logon.org site becoz it explains that nobody’s ever & will ever c god face-2-face, nor does He actually participate/act in the physical realm/our world. So it’s Christ who manifested himself in the OT & created the heaven & earth & us w/ the help of other angels. (that’s why the genesis states “let us make men in our images”, & the plural used in heavens means that there r other realms/worlds existed b4 the earth.) there r tons of intriguing interpretations of the bible that I’ve never known b4, if there’s only one book that I could choose 2 read in my life it’d definitely be the bible coz it covers every single subject matter ever available in literature, & there’r always sth new 2 discover in it. Though, as a matter of fact, I doubt that I’d even care 2 read the bible/about god if I’m not as lonely & bored as I am now…..
Atheists, Catholics, Buddhists….whatever it may be, I think we r all dualists becoz we lead our lives either carnally now & spiritually the next, but unable 2 live it both at the same time. & most of time we just dun care which is which.
it’s true that the resurrection concept & many other r so vague, like horoscope. Anyone can make speculation of what’s coming & since nobody can prove who’s wrong/right, everybody’s welcome 2 take their sides, & those who dun wanna/refuse 2 do so 2 still making their choices. life is like a broadgame, there r no winners/losers becoz we can’t really who’s who. The only thing we know 4 sure’s that all of usl have 2 play this game of life as long as we live. Einstein said God doesn’t play dice…I guess he’s right. it’s us who take the chances, & w/o knowing which chance/ side the dice would turn out. but it’s not important, becoz I think that god represents all 6 sides of the dice, he is the ultimate outcome that all the probabilities of tossing a dice would lead 2 ….it’s like chance/luck doesn’t equal god but they r parts of his emanation in the governing of our world.

Which one matters more 2 u? idea or the actual work? do u like the b&w calligraphy-like gesture paintings of franz kline?(probably mispelt..). b4 I studied art-history & looked at his works, I was like “what the hell is that…..art?.. even I could do better…”. I think many others who “dunno” art fail 2 appreciate him 2. When I was in dbu taking eng.lit, my prof during a chat w/ the class about her trip 2 CA, told us she saw a pure black painting & she just couldn’t get it, & she thought the arty ppl who liked it seem a bit phony….she said she just didn’t know how 2 appreciate contemporary art. She’s right, but the arty ppl r not wrong either, it depends on how much u like the idea/the visual presentation. Some ppl r moved 2 tears when they look at Rothko’s but not me, but I’m touched by the minimal sculptures of Donald Judd. I guess despite the idea is what distinguish the artist from others & give him credit 4 the creativity & talent, the aesthetic process should also count. But it’s so hard 2 draw the line, sometimes I dun like what I look at in a painting but after I read about its concept I change my mind. But 4 works that I find visually attractive, I dun care if there’s no deeper thoughts in it. I guess most of my arts r nice 2 look at but lack meanings & the ability 2 make the viewers think/remember. Most successful artists have a v clear statement of what they r doing & what they expect from the viewers. of course many just make art 4 art’s sake like me, but I think that’s not enough…. It’s true that sometimes ppl have all those grand talks on theory & aesthetics but what they make r simply craps, still it’s better than nothing.

The summer class schedule’s up, & I’ll take astronomy+lab (required), perhaps also “classical feminine thoughts” (which’s required 4 the writing-intensive women studies ) becoz I’m kinda behind. I heard some students will be doing interns at gallery in summer & they suggested me 2 do so though it’s non-paid, since experience’s not important 4 job-hunting but helps 2 build yr network of friends who r dealing/making arts . But I think1st I should finish my classes w/ a good GPA b4 I proceed any further. It doesn’t help my resume/ connection but I think while I’m at school I wanna focus on what I’m learning here. But it’d be different if I can get a visa extension next yr coz then I’ll be able 2 take things easier bet school&interns. Going out 2 work in the real world right now still sounds kinda intimating & faraway, hard 4 someone unsociable like me. but doing intern is the way 2 go espc now my desire of doing the MFA isn’t that much. (I heard from the MFA students who r now gaining credits as a TA in our art courses, the program is all about working independently & doing critiques w/ other students. Pros: u get yr own studio in the hunter timesquare gallery where potential art dealers/curators sometime drop in. they said a student sold a painting 4 $5000 becoz of it. Cons: time u may waste on critiquing others, plus the $ spent on tuition. ) actually my most practical plan’s 2 get a job in a gallery/printing press after graduation so I can get a working visa 2 stay here while earning $ 2 pay off my bills becoz I really dun wanna count on my parents 4 so long. Then I’ll keep working on my arts until I make it. I think I’ll find a way somehow….

ON RELIGION4--
I agree w/ most of things explained in the Unitarian site but not the position they hold on god being immutably perfect in all the good ways (justice,love…) which could lead 2 ppl questioning my faith coz what worth is it if my god isn’t so. well I dunno either but I’ll keep on searching. right now I’d like 2 think his imperfection/weakness r perfect/strong enough 2 handle us all. also somehow I think the keeping of sabbaths/foodlaws/new moon is over emphasized. Though they claim if u love god u’ll keep his commandments. 2 me they dun necessarily go hand in hand.

perhaps god sent other sons of his 2 other civilizations besides our earth, & the creatures there r studying religion like us 2. It’s possible, & adds more mystery & meaning 2 out own existence becoz otherwise if everything’s absolutely clear 2 us, we might not have valued life as much. I mean if we know everything 4 sure then we wouldn’t need 2 discover & experience things since the outcomes r known already. B4 I thought christ is the only son of god but then it’s said that all the angelic hosts r sons of god, the only difference is that christ is the only “born2flesh” son of god.

I can relate 2 existentialism a lot espc on the facts that life’s futile & meaningless that’s why we invented god & religion 2 get thru life, but I’m not as strong-minded as those existentialists who advocated that we must create our own meanings in life & be our own masters of fate. I guess that’s why I’d rather believe in god giving meanings 2 my life instead. It’s easier 4 me. I dun buy the chaos theory ( chaos may be just some undefined orders that scientists haven’t found out yet.) & the fact that the world just existed & humanity just happened 2 be have more brains than animals. Do u believe in evolution? Survival of the fittest makes sense 2 me , however it doesn’t convince me of apes being our ancestors.

I’m getting 2 understand better about the significance in christ’s crucifixion as my researching goes. Since angels can only be either good or bad, no in-betweens like us, they can’t be tested/given a chance of repentance, so as one of the twenty-sth sons of god, Christ was chosen 2 become flesh & be tested (by satan, god of this world) & die like every such that he can be resurrected. satan&his fellow demons ( as well as the good angels )will become flesh in the 2nd resurrection & be judged. Spiritual beings dun die like human beings so they can’t perish if they r found not worthy (only physical death allows a living 2 be reduced 2 nothing/unmade, ashes 2 ashes dust 2 dust, & that’s it. I think it works better than hell/separation from god ). therefore christ had truly be subjected 2 human limitations & temptations & like u said he hanged on 2 his belief no matter what. U know I used 2 have sth against christ becoz I was taught that he was god (the trinity idea) so it was like show that he put on 4 us, in a way he’s kinda fake.(that’s why u dun hear from me praising Christ a lot) But now the Unitarian idea cleared my bias coz it states that christ didn’t have his divine aspects remained w/ him after he became human. (b4 when he was tempted by satan 2 turn the stone into bread, I thought “yeah right, sure it’s easy 4 u not 2 give in coz u wouldn’t feel hungry if u wanted 2). I was taught the trinity doctrine all my life & it had given me a hard time trying 2 make sense out of christ, so the Unitarian approach suits me much better, that christ could perform miracles not becoz he had deity power but it’s done in the name/will of god.

Well these talks seem a bit absurd but sort of speak 2 me, I wonder if it’s just becoz of my fascination w/ these fancy ideas.

if christ was born in today’s world, then the whole world would be much different than now becoz Christianity wouldn’t be as prevalent , most of the world’s population could be atheists/ pantheists like the ancient roman/greek as there would not have been the roman emperor constantine’s conversion which shaped the history later on. so in a way christ’s appearance could still be a shock 2 the public becoz most ppl would have never heard of the christian god & all.

I guess u r right 2 be confused by the free will vs. god's fate thing if u r not a believer in the 1s place, I’ll be working on this topic still & hope 2 make myself more understandable later on.

I like 2 believe that god has his dark sides but ultimately his love is greater than all his other characteristics. There r 2 reasons 4 satan’s rebellion from my understanding, one is his desire 2 level w/ god becoz his free will lets him think that “even though heaven is nice & I’m made so gorgeous, still I am in lower rank than god, & I dun like it coz I want 2 have power over things instead of being ruled, therefore I should rebel against god & take over the human world”. the 2nd reason is that god asked the angels 2 bow down 2 men who’ r actually more inferior creatures, so satan&1/3 of the angels r 2 proud 2 be submissive & rebel. It’s also said that satan loved god 2 much 2 serve men coz it’s sort of like idolatry 2 him so he rebelled. I guess it has nothing 2 do w/ heaven, it was pride, which’s also the main reason why adam&eve sinned.

Even I find that absurd, that the present world’s kinda a learning process 4 us 2 experience in “time”, that our real understanding about god doesn’t begin till the 100yrs 2nd resurrection (the 1st resurrection being the training of the elect under christ 4 1000yrs 2 prepare 4 the future rehabilitation of us, plus if the elect sin they’d be corrected w/ us all later), then eventually the eternal kingdom of god. So this life doesn’t seem as worthy anymore coz if I feel fed up I can just kill myself & wait 4 a better change in the 2nd res. Nevertheless, they made a good pt that all the dead ppl except christ r now asleep---i.e. not having a soul 2 wander around/in hell, so death means death & nothing else b4 any resurrections. It sounds better 4 the catholic purgatory states 2. Besides why all these gimmicks/plans of god? Maybe he doesn’t really need our love after all, like u said, but he just likes 2 “do stuff” & the bottom line is we can’t never fully understand him/us as long as we r in this life (that’s why the scriptures r written in parables in order not 2 grant us answers, so exegesis in a way is bullshit, but I still like hearing it). Perhaps that’s what god wants.

the Nephillims r talked about in diff verses from the bible, called the “giants” in genesis & said 2 exist “b4 the world that was”. They didn’t look the same as men which’s why the prehistoric skulls also looked so different. Also it’s said that the flood during Noah’s time was 2 exterminate them coz the world was all corrupted w/ the “hybrids”. Yeah it sounds like fabrication 2 me 2 but I find the idea intriguing.

remember I felt sry 4 Esau who’s exploited by jacob 2 take away his birthright & blessings? It’s said jacob was then dealt w/ later by his master who tricked him 2 work as a servant 4 totally 14yrs in order 2 marry his daughter. Well maybe god is just still. They say that everything good or bad is in accord w/ the counsel of god’s will, that problems of evil r means 2 bring about the ultimate end that god has in mind so as 2 attain his purpose 4 both the physical+spiritual worlds.

ON RELIGION 3—
Some interesting ideas I found from the logon.org wesite:

TIMELINE: (it’s only from my understanding, I could be wrong)

1---Triumphs & 7 seals & great tribulations. Rapture,

2---1ST resurrection (1000yrs/ millennial reign of christ in his 2nd coming w/ the chosen ones (dead or alive, including the 144000/12 tribes…) in the form of spirits. Satan was binded in the bottomless pit during this period, in new jerusalem, mainly doing reconstruction works in the seriously damaged world). since they r all righteous believers, they would not face the 2nd resurrection/2nd death which r set up 4 the nonbelievers, the majority. The time of their judgment is not afterlife but during their own lifetime.

3---satan was released from the bottomless pit 4 a while 2 mess up the world again

4—2nd resurrection, or the last judgment day: which acts as a rehabilitation period (100yrs) 4 the entire structure of creation including the nonbelievers who’s ever lived or living on the earth & the rebellious angels including satan who’d become flesh like men, so they’d die like a physical body does if no corrections r made.

5—2nd death, which’s 4 the still unrepentant ( which’d be a rare number becoz at that time they’d know god & it’s unlikely 4 anyone 2 throw away that golden 2nd chance). However, the 2nd death’s not an eternal punishment becoz they would be simply perish & disposed of in the Lake of Fire which acts as a means of cremation of the bodies.

6-—kingdom of god, (or heaven), where the majority of god’s creation’s with him, probably all of it, sort of like an enormous reunion.

THE END (or is it? but anyway, I like this happy ending version 2 explain the God’s plan becoz everybody including the demons get a 2nd chance & it may sound unfair 2 the chosen ones becoz they “work” so hard 2 keep god’s law but eventually their evil brethrens can also get a share of heaven, but I think it’d be a good time 2 test whether those righteous ppl can forgive & love their enemies as christ once so stressed, if they think someone’s 2 evil 2 be forgiven then it proves that they dun deserve the kingdom of god either. )

Though adam & eve (1st human being created by god) existed at 4004 BC, there r actually pre-adam creatures called Nephillim who looked more or less than men already around. that explains the prehistoric fossils/skeletons of homo sapiens found by scientists way back b4 the time of adam&eve. they r made by satan/his rebellious gps so they can’t be resurrected like all other creation by the hand of god.

Allah=eloah (hebrew of God) , both koran & NT r commentary on the prophetic works & commandments of the OT. Islam was only pure (in a christian sense) during the time of the prophet Muhammand & the 4 rightly guided callphs(whatever they r..), it was then corrupted.

They dismiss most christian festivals such as Sunday-as-sabbath, Easter & christmas. Easter was introduced by the pagan gps in roman empire as it’s the day that their godness Asthar died. Dec25 used 2 be the day when the sun begins its rebirth which’s a pagan tradition from the sun cult. Christ probably was born in September becoz of the sheep thing & etc…Christianity incorporated those pagan festivals into their own in the hope of attracting more followers, & they r mostly influenced by the Gnostics where they got the idea of heaven+hell (rewards+punishment) in the 2nd century.

Roman catholics can be called a the day when the sun begins its rebirth cult becoz they adopted asceticism & celibacy & idolatry (worship of mary) & many other pagan doctrines. Bible is silent towards the issue of masturbation & it should only be viewed as a sin in direct relation 2 god’s law & what’s on one’s mind. But they took the incident of Oran spilling his sperm out instead of fertilizing his dead brother’s wife & gave it a new meaning as masturbation, namely oranism.

Protestant reformation failed becoz they were misled by the trinity idea of augustine

It was christ as an angel who appeared 2 abraham moses… not God, as nobody had ever nor will see God directly, which’s mentioned in the NT by christ & 2 other apostles.

The day of one’s death is better than one’s birthday (that we shouldn’t make a great deal out of celebrating it) coz when we die we r closer 2 the time of judgment day than when we r born.

there’s only one true god the father, christ is the son of god but not god, so we can’t equalize him as god though he’s still the bridge bet us & god. He had deity ability such as raising the dead in the name of god, he’s just an angelic host ranked higher than others like Gabriel or Michael who r all sons of god.

god’s only dealing w/ “some” ppl now in this world becoz he lets satan 2 rule over us presently 4 6000yrs (which’s not over yet) , which explains all the disasters & problems of evil, but still love & goodness coz God still acts . If god deals w/ the world now (2 stop all sufferings & bring justice …),that means time’s up-- judgment day, but in his plan the time is still yet 2 come.

The reason why God created the physical world (+human race) besides the more perfect spiritual world w/ angels is 2 test the faith & hand over duties 2 the angels as they’d be responsible 4 taking care of us. So that eventually both men & angels would come 2 God’s salvation plan together after experiencing the process & learning from both of our lives.

ON RELIGION 2---
I dun believe a physical hell which aims at torturing us coz if this is, I dun mind going 2 hell w/ my beloved ones coz the thought of being w/ them together can sustain me enough in hell. I used 2 wonder if animals’d also end up in hell becoz they dun know god . But now I find hell is more about separation from love, all kinds, that u can’t love or experience love anymore, that u r in an eternal state of feeling nothingness & loss which r all mental sufferings.

"deathbed conversion"—well I dun feel as strong as u do on that. if that evildoer only asks 4 forgiveness in the last min, whether it’s out of fear or heartfelt repentance, it’s still a step that he makes towards god. We r supposed 2 love our enemies & no sin is beyond redemption, so no matter how unfair it seems 2 the good ppl who behave decently all their lives, that last min convert should still be saved. But the fact is most ppl still hold on 2 their own ways even unto death. I used 2 hate the idea of giving a 2nd chance 2 the most evildoers ever existed becoz they deserved nothing better than hell, but learning 2 forgive may be the lesson of why sometimes unjust things happen. Fooling yrself perhaps is needed as much as believing yself coz we can’t be sure which is which, even deep down. It doesn’t matter whether right now I believe in god & my art & stuff or just fooled myself in believing so, bottom line is my faith.

As 4 the church goers, I also disliked the idea of some ppl there just going thru the motions, & after that they switched back the same old jerks as usual. But after attending chapels at dbu 4 some time I started 2 feel different. They may be hypocrites 2 the core, but look on the bright side & they may eventually do it 4 their faith, not 4 showing off. & I did find many students needed it 2 keep them going, that little time they can get 2 be w/ their spiritual sides which otherwise r totally ignored in their daily social life. It’s like being late’s still better than absence, sort of.

I dunno why but I never really look forward 2 heaven becoz I feel this life’s enough 4 me & I just wanna live it as best as I could & 2 experience. I dun think much about heaven&hell coz they r out of my understanding & beyond my imagination plus I doubt their uses. All I know now is I have faith in god & that’s it 4 me. my faith is not so much about his salvation but taking loving care of me & the ppl I care.

ON RELIGION 1--
maybe god did send jesus 2 other planets 4 salvation purpose but we never know. Besides it’s like a ritual 2 me, the dying on the cross, it doesn’t matter 2 jesus becoz He is the son of God so he is sure God’d raise & glorify him. again, the pt is, I think, by dying 4 us He evokes our compassion as He suffers 4 the sake of our sins in the hope that we’d turn towards God the father again. But then it means jesus only suffered physically & those nailing & whipping 2 nothing becoz spiritually he knew he’s triumphed over evil/sins , so it’s kinda like a gimmick show he put on. but since we human tends 2 rely on a visual manifestation of God’s love, He let this happen 2 boost up our faith. As 4 the ppl who lived b4 Christ, epsc the great ones (Homer, Socrates) or many races/tribes who’ve never heard about his name. I think they’d be judged fairly becoz it’s not their faults. plus they generally worship a supernatural force greater than themselves , which is a demonstration of their faith 2 the most high deity, though their idea of it is different from the one true god of Christianity, it’s still justifiable.

I do think God knows all about us, & what’s ahead of us, but HE wouldn’t help our weakness if this is not intended coz He’s got his plan of what part everyone should play in their own places. But what about free will then if he has a purpose 4 everyone, even 4 psycho killers or innocent victims? I dunno why but I’m afraid so, it’s after all God who gave us our lives so He can do whatever he wants, 4 better or worse, but what seems bad now may in fact mean 2 be good, given time. one example is Joseph being sold 2 the Egyptians by his jealous brothers & later on he was wronged again by his master’s wife becoz she failed 2 seduce him. Things looked screwed up 4 the innocent Joseph & he could simply blame God 4 that, which he didn’t becoz of faith. Eventually God revealed his plan & restored joseph 2 the second highest rank below Pharaoh. I like the teaching that first u must give yr ways 2 God, then He will establish yr thoughts, & it’s not the other way round.

God knows the ends of us but He lets us choose our own ways does sound contradictory, maybe I should say-- if we could do whatever we want then it’d be also us who decide our ends, not Gods. But think about this: our free wills is one thing, god’s will is another thing. While we r free 2 do anything, God’s also free 2 create the circumstances/conditions 4 the what would eventually happen 2 our decisions. E.g. if we choose 2 follow his way, then God’d let A happen 2 us; if we choose not 2, then B results….. …so god always knows how 2 deal w/ us in either ways, but He wants us 2 make our stand w/o interfering at that moment of decision, therefore we r still living an authentic & free life.

did u know that giraffes’ tongues r black in colors?
& did u know that around 1934 the cigarette brand LuckyStrike’s package design (green w/ red bull eye) brought decline in its sale becoz the female smokers claimed the colors didn’t go well w/ their looks. But instead of changing the package 2 suit the consumers, the manufacturer spent $ on promoting a new fashion of the color green & it worked. The sale increased again. Sounds good 2 me.

The lyric of the song “somebody”by Dephece mode’s been on my mind 4 a long time, probably my fav lyric besides SP’s “mayonnaise” . God knows how much I wish that “somebody” could be now right in front of my eyes…

Since I’ve lost 3 pieces of my artworks (they r trashed by the locker-monitor becoz I didn’t take them out in time), I turned my rage into creative energy & made many new works, mainly w/ chinese black ink. I made some calligraphy collages using the same character of my name—“ching”. I like the way it’s composed w/ 2 sides, literally meaning “green/youth” & “grasp” when divided in between. I hated my name b4 becoz it pronounces like “squid monster” , I had a hard time being a laughing stock. But I grew 2 like it again as I realized how special it was, & bottom line—it was my own name & I gotta be proud of it. I used 2 do calligraphy on different words, but now I just practice writing my own name & the character “wing” becoz it’s got all the 8 basic strokes of calligraphy. It’s hard 4 me, sometimes only 1 out of 30 is decent. I admire ppl who can write beautifully in ink.

Gay marriage… --“all u need is love”, “we can love 2”… nothing wrong w/ the banners, but I wonder if love matters most, then wouldn’t it be so necessary 2 get certified in marriage. I ‘m ok w/ gay ppl, but somehow I feel they r trying 2 hard 2 fight 4 their rights, finding ways 2 prevail the current non-gay society. I dunno… what about bestiality/incest? Like when someone wanna marry his pet dog/chimpanzee…, or his daughter, or even his grand-daughter, becoz they love each other & that genders/background dun matter? I doubt it. & if the law approved in the name of liberty/progress in civilization, then what would become of the baby who had both genes of a human+animal? How about the granddaughter who bore a child of her grandpa, in what ways should her own parents treat the baby, or call it? Well these cases may be extreme & absurd but possible in the future—if marriage would no longer between a male&female. Things start 2 fall apart once it gets deconstructed. Seems the society would be 2 chaotic & corrupt if ppl abused their rights & freedom. Everything seems permissible but it doesn’t mean they should all be made known. honestly I dun care what ppl do in their privacy but it bothers me a little when they bring them out into public.

It struck me by what happened 2 Issac’s sons, Esau&Jacob when I was handcopying the book of genesis. Esau was the 1st born child who’s not the God-chosen one like Jacob who tricked him 2 give up his birthright & take his place in feeding their father, thus losing his heavenly blessing as a result. But in the end Esau forgave Jacob & they got along well again. I feel sad about Esau becoz he couldn’t do anything 2 change the fact that God selected Jacob instead of him, & mad at jacob becoz he cheated. Afterwards I did some researches online & got a different perspective. Esau after all, didn’t fight hard 4 his spiritual gain as Jacob did, so perhaps it’s ok if Jacob used craftiness 2 take advantages of him. But why God had 2 make Esau go thru these if He already had Jacob chosen, plus God never condemned Jacob in his lying & tricks.
Maybe it’s a lesson about ppl’s choices in life, that it’s important 2 fix their minds on the things above instead of below, no matter what. The more I spend time w/ the bible, the more I feel that we r indeed created in God’s images, even the darker sides. God could also get jealous, selfish/unjust, unreasonable, frustrated, mad… escp in the Old Testament. Perhaps that explains Hid incarnation into the compassionate Christ becoz He felt sorry 4 us. So Christ taught us not 2 show preferences (as God regretted it); not 2 kill (did 2); not 2 be an adulterer (as God allowed his OT’s guys 2 have several wives & found out it was a mess, then learnt His lesson & tried 2 correct it in NT)…. Christ came into the physical world & lived among us w/ self-imposed limitations, in order 2 truly experience our human feelings, & showed his love firsthand towards us, such that God could learn how 2 deal w/ us more fairly. It seems that not only 2 err is human, but 2 err is God also.
There r things that ppl do & we never understand why, maybe sometimes God’s mystery r indeed His own mysteries 2. Nevertheless, God keeps up the work & be creative. I do believe God decides the ends of us becoz He is the cause & effect of everything. He created Adam&Eve , then let the serpent do the temptation, then the fall from grace. They had 2 be done so that the human race could continue (they might never reproduce if they could live happily ever after in Eden).
& the rest is history-- Job, Arabham Moses David…4 better or worse. God created the problems of evil becoz otherwise we could not have survived until now. I mean if He made the world perfect & provided us w/ all the manna we could eat, then there’d no need 4 any kinds of jobs due 2 the lack of demand+supply. That also means our lives ‘d become pointless as we wouldn’t know how good is good, how bad is bad, how much is 2 much. There’d no places left 4 interesting experiences, expressing different emotions or individuality since we could be assured of being taken care of. We could hardly tell what love is w/o hatred & sufferings. God created us out of pleasure, & probably loneliness, but most of all He wants 2 love & be loved. God gave us free wills not just becoz He wants our genuine love, but also it’d be more meaningful/interesting 2 c what choices we’d make. Unfortunately, many of us love other ppl/things better than God, which pisses Him off & resulted in His hell & heaven scheme 4 our afterlife. In a way Christianity is based on fear, but I feel that fear could also help bring up love. Yes some ppl claim they love God only becoz they fear hell, or lust after heaven, ultimately it’d show, & God knows. I picture that on the judgment day God’d still give us a second chance, unlike what the bible stated. As 4 the non-believers who had lived a decent life, I dun think they’d be condemned in hell right away, & everyone’d get what he really deserves. Of course God could simply destroy the unfaithful & save the faithful like He did back in Noah’s time, but He’s learnt 2 love us better due 2 Christ. One thing I’m most obsessed about God is His preferences/fiats/caprices, the way He treats some ppl better than others. I feel the share of His love towards me is great enough 4 me 2 love Him back, so I do. This is sort of selfish coz I weighed the pros & cons b4 I acted, but that’s me. I never see myself among the chosen ones who’d go 2 heaven, but still I love God more than I fear/hate Him.
Sometimes it’s lucky 4 ppl who dun believe in the existence of God at all becoz it may be difficult 2 some believers 2 realize that they r less blessed. Like Esau & Jacob, whether God’d make one small or great in yr life is beyond yr control, & since nobody can predict the future, they r still free 2 take sides. Esau chose the bowl of stew (material gain) instead of his birthright ( the 1st born who got the blessing as God’s descendants), while Jacob placed his concerns on pleasing God way b4 he knew he’d be the chosen one. Deep down in my heart live both Esau & Jacob, both r always struggling 2 get the best of me. I wonder who would win in the end? Mm…what if both win or lose, or a draw….i know my opinions sound less than convincing coz u may say if even God is not all perfect then we might as well stop believing in Him, or simply the fact that there’s no God becoz of the flawed conditions of the world. I dun understand myself, & I may change my mind in the future, but at this moment I choose 2 hold onto my faith still.

It’s a sort of irrational feeling that I have towards God becoz I did try 2 get Him off my mind during the last yrs in HS at the time when I thought music meant everything 2 me, that everbody needs sth 2 hang on 2 (a lifesaver when u r drowning) regardless of what it was, be it God or a lover or a book. So I chose music, but my mind’s changed after coming 2 america, coz the feeling of His presence’s 2 big 4 me 2 deny & I can’t explain that 2 anyone. I heard a saying that if u can prove God’s existence, what would then be the value of faith, & I believe that 2. I like Nietzsche & his attacks on Christianity & church etc but they dun affect my faith becoz it’s all subjective 2 me, whether there’s proof or not, coz ppl can insist on sth that r not proved 2 be untrue. Hey Jung said sth like religion is an idea that destroy a religious experience & I think so, coz I feel like I’m getting nowhere as soon as I start talking about it, coz there r things u feel but u can’t describe, like listening 2 yr fav song, that what u feel can never be quite the same as anyone else, no matter how close the descriptive words express.

I feel I’m not really that good 4 an artist becoz I’ve seen lots of great works out there, I’m not discouraged. I have faith that I’ll become better as time goes on, but my desire of making arts as a living isn’t as strong as b4 coz I’ve still got a long way 2 go. I’ve been 2 lots of artshows & reading articles on new arts lately as class assignments & discovered many brilliant contemporary artists that I’ve never heard of b4. They r not v well-known but some of their arts/ideaa r simply amazing, & I was left wondering when I’d be able 2 make arts that neat …I admire ppl who can be so devoted into art, that they spend almost everyday doing it, but I can’t. I want 2 read, listen 2 music, watch movies, play piano, write my journal , surf on the internet….i love making arts but if the thought of doing nothing but arts all the time really turns me off, I started 2 doubt if I’ve really got the passion needed 2 be a true artist……..seem I’m 2 selfish 2 make such a big sacrifice, but that’s what some students I saw r doing, total commitment… Sure if u become famous then u can do other things u like besides arts, but what it takes 2 gain that fame is another matter. I dunno….i just wanna enjoy my school days & myself but the problems about future always creep in & bother me.

some neat songs/bands that I heard from accuradio.com & amazon.com, they r on now my wanted list (I had a few on MD but the player no longer works). Hope I can get a copy of them later. I like making lists.
sex pistol—god saves the queen, anarchy in the UK
Suede—poor little rich girl
David bowie—Thursday’s child
NIN—we’r in this together
Beck—nobody’s fault but my own
London aftermidnight—christmas song
neil young-- words
White stripes—hotel yorba
Canned heart—on the road again
love spiral downwards—city moon
808states—lopez
Supergrass—late in the day
Blur—there’s no other way
U2—if god will send his angel, Sunday bloody s.
Hurricane#1—Monday afternoon
Embrace—firework, my business is none of yr business
Daniel johnston—cold hard world
Fleetwood mac—man of the world, songbird, everywhere
Sting—englishman in NY, when we dance, field of gold
Ian brown—fear
Elliot smith—X.O
Explosions in the sky—those who tell the truth…
Set fire 2 flames—
Elbow—asleep in the back
Gentle waves—green fields of foreverland
Popular Mechanics ~ Piano Magic
Drukqs ~ Aphex Twin
In the Sun--Archer Prewitt
Comforts of Madness ~ Pale Saints
What Came Before After ~ Sonic Boom/Spectrum
Born into Trouble as the Sparks Fly Upward ~ The Silver Mt. Zion Memorial Orchestra and Tra-la-la Band
…Trail of dead—novena w/o faith
King crimson—I talk 2 the wind, epitaph, moonchild
Built 2 spill—the weather
Squarepusher—my red hot car
Sleepers—atomic
Goldfrapps—utopia, pilots
Divine comedy—somone, if..,commuter love
Even johansen—where happiness sleeps
Ride—in a different place
& most of all:Mogwai—sad DC, drum machine, close encounter, tuner, bill is dead, lower
b.t.w. I’ve rekindled my interest in …trail of dead’s “ “, beside my fav “it was there I saw u”, I also dig “how far how near, baudelaire, another morning stoner.” Also the new albums of placebo & BRMC so far suck.

I’m not sure which one is better-- 2 be totally singled-out like the awesome but lonely zarathustra, or the leaders in the big herd, or another sheep in the smaller crowd. Maybe there r more choices…

I dunno what’ll I find in my bible-copying/word-connecting but it interests me in doing so & I like it. my hand’s real tired but somehow I feel good getting lost in the process when my mind’s so focused & doesn’t seem 2 know what I’m doing except the fact that I’m at “it”…kinda a new experience 4 me. whenever I’m done w/ one chapter, I’d go back & recite it & seem 2 understand the content more. I’m using the kingjames version w/ the most common green-cover edition, it’s true that the position of the word “God” changes in every page 4 diff editions of the bible but I dun really care. I’m gonna trace all the patterns onto big pieces of paper & then maybe I’ll c “sth” inside each pattern & give me some drawing ideas. I’m sure somebody somewhere must have done things like this 2, maybe they connect the word death, jesus, or maybe they fill in all the Os which I’ve done on many pages as well. just keeping my hands busy’s what I want. I once read that an author said he’d write the lines like “I dunno what 2 write/I have no ideas…” repeatedly when he experienced the writer-block & eventually the idea surfaces, like a practice or control 2 train the hand becoz it doesn’t move as fast as the brain does… There r so many things 2 discover & try, which’s what makes life valuable & yet weary.