(This was in the school paper as well.)
Ever feel like someone’s watching you, even though you’re alone? Ever feel frightened by popular media, or just by Hilary Duff? Ever wonder about everyone’s strange fascination with Sponge Bob Square Pants? Ever feel bewildered and frustrated with the state of politics today? Ever want to know what’s really happening behind the scenes in America? Well, I’m here to offer some imaginative possibilities — conspiracy theories, if you will.While I’m sure everyone has his or her own dark speculations dealing with modern society, mine revolve around one simple premise: our country is controlled by completely barmy outer space aliens who have a strange sense of humor.
Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that such an idea is preposterous, that it is illogical, completely improbable, and has no base in reality whatsoever. I have to admit, I agree with you. However, these days, with Bush as president and a war on Iraq sanctioned on outrageously sketchy evidence, I feel that I am perfectly justified in adding my own two cents, however obviously counterfeit my spare change may be.
Though I have no actual evidence to support my theory, as soon as the idea is fitted around current events and modern society, everything makes sense. And happily, it’s a one-size-fits-all sort of umbrella theory that covers every possible situation. Confused about the popularity of Fear Factor? How about corporate and government corruption? Obviously aliens are at work here. And after bewilderment reaches a certain point, alien control seemingly becomes the only rational explanation. How else can we explain Gary Coleman running for governor of California? Or why exactly “abbreviated” is such a long word? These aliens that control us must be both crazy and crazily sardonic.
Obviously to control a large group of people, one must also carefully control their minds. Thus, subliminal messages must be encrypted into all our major media outlets: television, radio, newspapers…everything. This accounts for any “weird” days we may have when we find ourselves doing things that are way out of character. This also accounts for the strange media fascination with Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck, which no one can account for in more rational terms. Mark Nolan proposed that “the ‘Yvan Eht Nioj’ episode of the Simpsons was in fact a message from the underground clumps of what's left of human society to join the navy to fight off the aliens” and that it attempted “to let us know through a humorous cartoon so they won't suspect anything.” I completely agree.
Careful tabs must be kept on us as well. Hidden cameras are everywhere, hidden microphones are installed in your very teeth when you get fillings, and even your thoughts can be read by alien psychics, because everyone knows that real psychics are alien psychics. After all, what are street lamps for but to provide decent lighting for the hidden cameras? All top government officials are either in league with the aliens or are aliens themselves. Incredibly realistic fronts of democratic governments are set up, and no one suspects a thing. Through media manipulation, real elections can be held without the slightest fear of unfavorable outcomes. Strange, wasn’t it, how the Presidential Election of 2000 hung by a thread on the question of such things as “dimpled chads”? The characteristically ironic alien sense of humor played a major role there.
George W. Bush, of course, won the election because he’s clearly an alien. The Texas ranch and Southern accent were clever touches, I’ll give them that, but in the end he was betrayed by his uncanny inability to speak English. “When I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me,” said this skillfully disguised extraterrestrial once on Hardball. “I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family,” he announced another time in New Hampshire. Yet another time, at a press conference, he had said, “There ought to be limits to freedom.” And of course, the classic Bush quote from Arkansas: “They misunderestimated me.” Would a true human, a real born-and-bred American no less, really speak in such a way? Well, maybe one would, but since Bush is undoubtedly an alien one need not be concerned with petty matters of logical fallacy.
As you can easily see, once the theory of alien control is used to explain the world, everything becomes much simpler. If your teacher asks why you don’t have your homework, you could simply shrug and say, “I’m not responsible for my actions, as I have been brainwashed by aliens.” If she then gives you detention for your impertinence, you would have to forgive her because naturally the aliens control her as well. Love and forgiveness would spread throughout the world, and everyone would live in harmony.
Unfortunately the theory is completely bogus and I have just wasted fifteen minutes to 6 and a half hours of your time (depending on whether you've got the newest firmware upgrade or not) by expressing it to you. Nevertheless, I hope it has opened your mind to new possibilities and unconventional (i.e. insane) ways of thinking. We really ought to give more thought to aliens, after all.
