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Rules for Felines

Fashion: For lap-sitting or rubbing against trousers, always select a fabric color which goes well with your fur. For example, white-furred cats should go to black wool clothing. The contrast is stunning.

Guests: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that lap. If you can arrange to have Friskies Fish 'n Glop on your breath, so much the better. For a guest who exclaims, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain.

Doors: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on your hind legs and hammer with your forepaws. Once the door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and halfway out and think about sugar plums. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain,and snow.

Chairs and Rugs: If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental carpet. If there is no Oriental carpet, a throw rug will have to do.

Winter's Evening: If one of your humans is sewing or writing, and another one is idle, get irritatingly close to the busy one in case they need any help. When your human is reading, get in close under the chin, between the eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

Dinner: When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being tromped, then picked up and consoled.

Wrapping Packages: Birthdays and parties are a time of great joy in giving. When your human is wrapping the party gifts, jump up onto the table and lie down on the paper. Wrinkle it personally so that it reflects your taste. Get the tape stuck in your hair at every possible chance, and decorate your body with festive self-stick bows, and then complain about them.

More Guests: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything, just sit and stare. If you get locked outside the door, sit and yowl and draw attention to the guest who is indisposed.

Tables: When walking over china on the table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey: "But you allow me on the table when company is NOT here."

News: No news is good news, therefore you are responsible for sitting squarely on the spot of newspaper which your human is reading.

Memory: You've got none. It's always suppertime.

Computers: When your person is working on important stuff on the computer, jump on the desk,step on the keyboard with each paw and especially target the ENTER key. Then relax on the top of the monitor with your tail hanging down across the screen twitching periodically.

Laundry: Always lie on clean laundry, wherever it is. If the bed feels good, it feels even better if there's laundry on it. If a human is folding laundry on the table, be sure to supervise by climbing on the piles. Choose the tallest pile (preferably the teenager's clothing) and take a nap. You will be very tired from all of that supervising.

Studying: When your person is studying or doing homework, attack the writing utensil they are using. When you catch it, attempt to remove it from the person's hand by batting at it and chewing on the end. If the person lays it down, bat it around until you knock off the desk and under some piece of heavy furniture.