Danny:… "My life changed that day. I learned who I am, and what will always be expected of me."
Michelle- "Danny I'm so sorry."
Danny:… - "What are you sorry about? It's my life, it's who I am."
Michelle- "But its not who you are because I know you"
Danny- "No, you don’t know me Michelle. That's my point. There is a code that I live by, that I will always have to live by."--- April 23th
*****
You can do this, I tell myself. Just breathe. Relax. I am not sure how I can relax when Danny is right in front of me? My heart is beating so fast. I can’t believe that I am so nervous. But I have to do this. I have to. I can’t give up my dream of becoming a doctor because of my husband, who does not seem to care about me anymore, wants me to be his perfect little wife. Nervously, I start to wring my hands in my lap. It is getting hard ignore the fact that Danny is so close to me. I can practically feel his warm breath on me. And all I want to do is lean over and kiss him. I have this sudden need to have Danny kiss me. Suddenly, I become aware of the silence that has overtaken the room. It is unnerving to me, because I need to distract myself from my thoughts. The sound of Danny’s voice snaps me out of my thoughts.
“Michelle, Michelle. You said that we have to talk. So, what is it?”
I can feel his questioning eyes on me, but I can’t look up at him, instead, I take an interest in the carpet. “Um, yeah. Since you have been away so much, it has given me a chance to think things over. And I have made a decision.”
“Michelle, what is it? I am not in the mood for Twenty Questions, so would you please tell me what it is?”
My blood starts to boil when I hear the tone in his voice. His tone is impatient and bored. I can’t believe him. Why does he do this to me? Stay calm, Michelle, a voice says, getting mad will not do any good. Taking a deep breath, I brace myself for his response, but I can’t hide the annoyance in my tone.
“I am sorry, Danny, if you think this is a game, because I am taking this very seriously. And I don’t appreciate your tone. I will come back when you can address me in a more civilized tone.”
With that, I stand up and start to walk away. Before I can turn away, Danny grabs my hand and twirls me around to face him. I close my eyes as I feel his hand on mine. My pulse is racing. I can barely breathe. If he only knew the effect he has on me, but I can’t let him know that.
“Look, I am sorry. Michelle, I am sorry that I was rude. I am just tired. Please, Michelle. Don’t go.”
I take my place on the vacant chair, and I decide to begin my speech again. “Anyways, I have decided that I want to return to school, Danny. I miss school. I miss my friends. And since the spring semester is going to start soon, I thought that it was a good time to go back.”
“Michelle. I know that school is important to you, and I respect that, but don’t think it would be better if you waited until the fall. It might be easier for you, and it would be easier for me.”
“And how would it be easier for you? I am the one that is going back to school, not you, Danny. This is the perfect time to go back. What do you want me to do until the fall, twiddle my thumbs? What am I going to do?”
I can see the angry lines in his face. I can’t do anything but stare at him. Suddenly, he shifts in his chair.
“I just thought it would be better, that’s all. I was just thinking that you might want to wait until things were…”
I can feel the anger build in my chest as I listen to Danny. “WAIT? Wait for what, Danny? All I have been doing for the last three months is wait. I am bored out of my mind. I need to be busy or I am going to go crazy.”
“Michelle, I know that things have been hard for you. And I am sorry. I am truly sorry, but you know, that I have to be away. There is nothing that I can do to change that.”
“I don’t believe that Danny. I don’t. I thought that you were not going to let Carmen run your life, but the truth is, she is running your life. And the sad thing is that you don’t seem to mind. You actually seem to enjoy it.”
“Michelle. I am doing what is expected of me. Mama is hard but she is only looking out for the family’s best interests, and you know, that I want to turn around the family business. I can’t do that now until I help Mama. I promise to be around more. I promise.”
I let out a bitter laugh. “Danny, you have promised a lot of things, but nothing has changed. And I can’t believe that it was what you really believe. I know that you don’t believe it. Carmen has really gotten her in claws in you. But I thought that you would be glad that I wanted to go back to school, I wouldn’t be around to bother you. It would make your life so much easier. I don’t want to distract you from your ‘business’.” I can help the sarcastic tone in my voice.
“Michelle. I can’t keep defending myself to you. I can’t. I wish that you would understand that. And you don’t distract me, Michelle. You are the reason that I have been working so hard. It is about you, Michelle, not my mother.”
My heart starts to sing. Danny does care about me. All I can do is stare at him; I don’t know what to say to him. I feel so giddy. For the first time in months, I begin to feel close to Danny, and I relish it. The longing and sincerity in his voice touches my soul. All my anger is slowly melting away.
“Thank you, Danny. I am flattered that you are willing to do all this for me, especially when we have had a hard time. But please, Danny, I want to go back to school. Please..”
Sighing, Danny realizes that he can’t say no. “Alright, Michelle. If you want to go back to school, it is fine with me. I want you to be happy, and I know that you will be happy to get out of the house, and away from Mama, and even me..”
I can hear his voice catch when he says that. For a brief moment, I can see the pain in his eyes. He notices my glance, and he quickly looks away, like he wants to hide his pain from me. I wish that I could reach over and take him in my arms, but I can’t. I even managed to convince Danny that I don’t need to be assigned a bodyguard, and to my surprise, he agreed. In that chat, we were able to connect, and it gave me hope that maybe we would be okay. As I turn to leave the room, I impulsively wrap my arms around Danny and give him a hug. Nothing has felt this good. I feel so safe in his arms, so warm, and so loved. It takes all my self-control to pull away, and on unsteady feet, I walk out of the room.
****
Danny (to Carmen about Pilar): You are not her keeper. She deserves to be whoever she wants to be. I never got that chance; Mick never got that chance because YOU took it away from us!---April 26th
I can still feel Michelle’s arms wrapped around my back. It was heaven. I had never felt so happy in my entire life, and now, it is over. For that brief moment, I was able to forget about everything and focus on Michelle. She had invited my touch, even welcomed it. As I sat back down on the bed, I was finally able to catch my breath. And I was able to breathe a sigh of relief. When Michelle had said that she wanted to talk, I feared the worst, that my worst fear was coming true. For a moment, panic swept through my body, I thought that Michelle was going to leave me. Not that I would blame her if she did, but it would not make the news any easier. I couldn’t bear the thought of Michelle leaving me. I didn’t want to picture my life without Michelle. It would be cold and lonely. You can’t think about, a voice whispers, Michelle is still here. And you are fool to think that she would never be able to make it out of your family alive. Chills go though my body. I hate that my own wife has to stay with me because my mother would kill her, if she didn’t. Michelle should be here because she wants to. I want her to be with me.
I was not that surprised when she told me that she wanted go to back to school. I can’t blame her. It is not fair for her to give up on her dream to become doctor because of me. I can’t let myself do that to another person. It happened to Mick and myself, and it destroyed us. We were denied the chance to be better than what we were raised to be. I can’t change what happened to me on that park bench when I was 14, but I do have the chance to let Michelle’s dreams come true. I want her to succeed. I want her to dream. I want her to have the opportunities that I didn’t have. Somehow, she knew that deep down. Tonight shows that it is really hard to lie to her because she can see right through me, and, that made me so happy. Michelle understands me, and she is still able to see the good in me, even when I try to convince her otherwise. And now, I know that she really cares about me. Maybe, there is still a chance for us. Can I let myself wish for a happy ending? Do I dare to dream?
The ringing of the grandfather clock awakens me from my daydreaming. Suddenly, I become aware of the silence surrounding me. I can understand how Michelle felt being stuck here all day. I knew that she must be bored, and that she resented me for leaving her with Mama. I was not lying when I told her that I was working so hard for her. Everything that I am doing is to make sure that we can have a happy future. I want to give Michelle what she deserves. She was the only consideration during the last few months. She has challenged myself to become a better person. And I will. If I know that Michelle is at home waiting for me, then I will be able to make it through those lonely days and nights away from home. At the end of the night, she is the one thing that matters. She is the last person that I think about. Going home to find her sound asleep is the best part of the night.
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