It has been over two months since I have posted a chapter of Dreams. I am constantly writing and then stopping, only to come back to it. I love writing Dreams, and the challenges that present themselves are both frustrating and wonderful for me as a writer. Since I am having troubles writing another chapter, I would really appreciate any feedback, positive or negative. All I ask is that your comments are constructive. Enjoy!
Somewhere in Springfield
"So, did everything go according to plan. Good. I am glad to hear it. I just want to make sure that she gets her 'gift' in person, I need to know that she got it. Listen to me, if you give it to anyone else but her then you will be in big trouble. That's right. Tonight is going to be one of hell of a night, and I am going to have a front row seat."
*************
Carmen: God help me is right. You have no idea what it has taken to keep this family together. You have no idea, what my life has been like since your father passed away.
Danny: Murdered, Mother, Papa was murdered. The price of being a member of this family. ---April 30,1999
As I walked into the dining room for breakfast, I immediately sensed that something was wrong. Every nerve in my body seemed to be alert. With cautious steps, I walk into the room, awaiting Mama's endless questions to begin. I am sure that she would be jumping down my back trying to find out what happened last night.
It's funny because I don't even remember what happened, it seems like such a blur.This morning would give me a chance to think about things clearly and decide what to do. Michelle had reluctantly agreed to come back to the house and stay until I could think of something, but I had to make sure that Mama did not find out.
I stop dead in my tracks when I notice Mama at the table. A gasp comes out of my mouth. The sight of Mama shakes me to the core. Mama is sitting at the dining room table. Her face has lost all color, looking as white as snow. She is holding a white letter in her hand, holding it so tight that it has crinkled the edges. I look over to see what Mama is staring at. Her eyes have a blank stare, but looking into them, you can see the coldness, she staring at the wall.
I have never seen Mama like this before. What the hell is going? I think to myself. Mama is so wrapped up in her own thoughts that she is not even aware of my presence until I accidentally knock over my coffee mug. Turning her head to see what is making noise, she realizes that I am sitting at the table with her.
"Daniel, Good Morning. I didn't realize that you were here."
I walk over to Mama and give her a peck on the cheek. Straining my eyes, I try to make out the piece of paper that she has a death grip on. Feeling my eyes on her, she quickly pulls her handt away, placing it in her lap.
"Morning, Mama."
Looking around the room, Mama glances over at me with a questioning look. "And where is your beautiful bride this morning, Daniel?"
"She is still asleep, Mama. She has been really tired, so I just let her sleep."
She gives me a smug smile, and in a tone dripping with insincerity, she says, "Oh, that is too bad, Daniel. It will not be the same without Michelle. I was hoping that we could spend some time together."
I nearly choke on my food. I know that Mama would rather do anything but spend time with Michelle, but Mama has always been able to put on a good show. "Well, Mama, there are other meals."
"Daniel, since Michelle is not here, I need to talk to you about business. I am worried about you. You have been neglecting your duties, and I have tried to lenient but people are starting to get anxious, and I can't keep covering for you."
Sighing inwardly, I had been trying to ignore this. "Mama, you don't have anything to worry about. I will take it of it. But I am getting really frustrated here, Mama, you promised that you would let me run things my way, and you are not. If you don't stop interfering then, I will walk away."
Anger flushes Mama's cheeks. "You can't be serious, Daniel. You know that you can't walk way from this. This is part of who you are. This is your legacy, it was the legacy that your father left you."
My blood goes cold when Mama mentions Papa. All those feelings of bitterness and anger start to flood my heart. In a strangled voice, I try to keep my voice from faltering. "It was also the legacy that Papa died for. Do you really want that for me? I am not sure if I can live with that price. I am not so sure that this is worth dying for."
In a screeching tone, Mama stands up, quaking with anger. "Daniel, how dare you talking to me like this? You are a disgrace to your father and his memory. You should be ashamed of yourself. Dios mio. I can't look at you right now. You disgust me and--" she spits in a venomous tone
The sound of Michelle's voice infuriates Mama. "Carmen! That is enough. Can't you think of anyone else but yourself for a minute? Danny is hurting as much as you are."
Walking over to Michelle, Mama gives her a cold stare. "Don't you dare tell me about hurt. You know nothing of my life. The only reason that you are here is because my son married you, if it was up to me, you would be elsewhere. You have no regard for my family. None."
The mere mention of Mick causes Michelle to stiffen. In a wobbly voice, Michelle tries to calm Mama. "Carmen, there is nothing that I can do. I told you that I am sorry but I can't do it anymore. You are wrong, I do care about your family. I care about Danny and I don't want you to hurt him anymore."
Letting a bitter laugh, Mama looks at me briefly. "Michelle, there is something that you can do. You could leave. You are the reason that my only son has been acting like this. You are the reason that my family is falling apart."
"No, Carmen, you are the reason that Danny is acting this way. You are the reason, not me."
With blazing eyes, Mama raises her hand to Michelle's face. Quickly, I jump in front of Michelle to stop Mama from hitting her.
"That is enough, Mama. You have no right. If you ever touch Michelle, you will regret it." I say in a low growl
Giving Michelle an icy stare, Mama storms out of the room. As I walk over to the table, I notice the letter that Mama had been holding was on the floor. Out of curiosity, I pick it up and read it. My eyes widen with shock as I read it. Finally moving from her place in the corner of the room, Michelle walks over to me with a concerned look in her eyes.
Gently shaking my arm, she asks me what is wrong. Without a saying a word, I blindly give her the invitation. Michelle lets out a small gasp while she reads it.
"Danny, I can't do this. I can't. Please, tell me that I don't have to. Please.." She pleads. Michelle casts me a sidelong glance. Looking in the mirror, I notice that my face is drawn and the look in my eyes is one that I don't recognize.
As my eyes bore into the wall, I can feel her questioning gaze on me. I wish that I could soothe her fears and give her the answer that she so desperately wants but I can't. She does not know that I am dreading this as much as she is. Maybe more. Tearing my gaze from the wall, I reach out to her, and gently rub her arm to reassure her.
Realizing that Michelle is shaking, I pull her in my arms, say in a firm voice, "Michelle, I can't give you the answer that you want, and please don't hate me, for making you to do this. I just hope to God that this will not be a big mistake."
**************
Look, hey, I would never hurt Michelle. I would never let anybody touch her. Never!
I have always hated dinner parties, and tonight, was no exception. I have been a bundle of nerves ever since Danny showed me that invitation. What the heck was I doing here? I did not belong here, having dinner with mobsters. It is funny that for night they will put on this great act that they are all friends, and tomorrow, they will go back to killing each other.
I had really tried to get out of coming to this party but Carmen had been insisted that I come. She said that we had to show the other families that we were a strong family. In other words, we had pretend to be something that we weren't. Danny had pleaded me with his eyes to say yes, and finally, I agreed for Danny's sake. Now, that I am here, I really wish that I found a good excuse to get out of this. I feel so silly being here.
I have stationed myself in the corner of the dining room watching people talk to each other. As I sip my wine, anger starts to simmer to the surface. I was getting sick of being treated like a trophy. Carmen had paraded me around the room like I was something that you put on a pedestal. To make matters worse, Nino had been circling around me like a hawk, constantly winking and smiling at me.
As soon as dinner was over, Danny had just left the room without a second glance, and went to talk to several older gentlemen. My dear mother-in-law was showing me off to make good with the other families, my husband's enemy was egging me on, and my husband had the nerve to abandon me.
Glancing around the room, I realize that Nino has left the room, there is still no sign of Danny, and suddenly panic starts to rise in my chest. What if Nino found Danny, and what if he told Danny? What if Danny knows the truth? This is going to be one big mess.
Frantically, I begin to search for Danny. A million things are going through my head. I am not sure what to expect but I was hoping that I would find Danny before Nino finds him. Oh, please, don't let me be too late. My heart is beating so loud that I think that everyone can hear it. My throat goes dry, and every nerve in my body is twingling with anxiety. The sound of loud voices stops me dead in my tracks. As I squint my eyes in the dark to make the two figures, shivers begin to run through my spine.
As I move closer, I am able to recognize Danny and Nino standing face to face with about two feet between them. The cold look in Danny's eyes chills me to the bone. Danny's face is grim and angry, his whole body is stiff and rigid. Nino's face is flushed and drawn with taunt lines. Silently, I move closer to make out the muffled voices.
Stationing myself behind the bush, I can hear the fury in Danny's voice. His body is quaking with anger. I am shaking all over. I have never been so scared of Danny than at this every moment. I close my eyes trying to calm myself down. This is the side of Danny that scares me the most. The part, which can be so cold, so detached, so unforgiving. The side that I try to forget about, the side that I never want to be part of my husband. The sound of Danny's angry voice snaps me out of my thoughts.
"Nino, I am warning you. If you do anything, I mean anything, I would be all over you, and you will not have anyone to help you. I have warned you. Don't cross me or you will regret it for the rest of your life. "
Nino lets out a bitter laugh. "Oh, Dannyboy, you don't have the stomach for this business. I am not worried about you because I know that you are just your mother's puppet. And you are fool to think that you will be able to go legit when Mama hands over the business to you. It will never happen. Everything that you have will be gone, and it will be nobody's fault but your own. Even your precious--"
Furious, Danny roughly grabs Nino's shirt and starts to shake him. "Don't you even say her name! Leave Michelle out of this! I will not have anyone, especially you, hurt my wife."
"Easy, Dannyboy, easy. I want nothing to do with your little bride. I could care less about her, but I do care when she may be the reason that you are making all these waves. But I still don't get something, why are you doing all this when you know that she does not love you? That she will be glad to get rid of you? Huh? You are such a sucker."
I grip my pocketbook so tight that my knuckles turn white. I resist the urge to reveal myself and tell Danny that Nino is wrong. I do love you, Danny. I scream to myself, I love you so much. I love you, I love you. My heart sings.
Danny's face turns pale for a minute then that cold mask falls. "Nino, you know nothing about my marriage. Nothing. I am not anyone's fool, and if I am doing what you say, I would only do it for myself, not Michelle. I am going not to go against my family for my wife. I am doing this all for myself. I don't give a damn what Michelle thinks anymore but she is my wife and you will honor that, Nino. I will do anything to protect her. I know that the family code is important, and I have no intention in breaking it."
Nino shoots Danny a skeptical glance, I notice the confusion mixed with amusement shining through his eyes. "Alright, Danny, you made your point. I am disappointed with you though, for awhile I actually thought that you did care about Michelle, but this shows me that I was right before. Michelle should be glad to get rid of you, it's just too bad that the poor thing actually cares about you."
For a brief moment, Danny's cold stare falters, and I can see his eyes soften a bit. The coldness is still there but I am able to see the Danny that I love. "What? I can assure you that Michelle will be fine. But maybe you were right; my feelings for her don't make a difference. It is not going to change things."
"Whatever you say Danny. I can't wait for Michelle to realize what a cold-hearted bastard you really are. I will be there to cheer her on when she finally dumps you."
Nino saunters away into the darkness of the night. Danny sits down on one of the chairs and lets out a sigh. I can barely move. Numbness has rendered me incapable of moving. I still can't believe what I have just heard, and soon the shock turns into bitter disbelief. Danny didn't mean any of that, I say to myself. He told me that he cared about me. What about that night when we almost made love?
Desperately in the back of mind, I try to replay that night, to convince myself that I am right. Panic and hurt hits me with such a strong force that I feel like I have been the wind has been knocked out of me. It hurts just to breathe. I need something tangible to hold on to, something to push away Danny's cruel words that cut straight to my heart.
"He didn't mean it, he was lying, he does care about me," I mumble over and over, trying to convince myself that I am right, that I have not given my heart to a man who does not give a damn about me.
Blinded by my own tears, I stumble into the light and crash into Nino. The noise startles Danny, who is in deep thought. I try to recognize the look that washes over his face: it is shock, fear and worry all rolled into one. Nino takes me by my shoulders and pushes me closer to Danny.
As soon as I am three feet away from Danny, he quickly jerks his head to the side. It is like he is scared of the pain and hurt in my eyes. Then the cold detached mask falls on his face. The same looks that I hate and fear. Nino is the first one to break the awkward silence.
"So, Dannyboy. Here is your chance. I think that you should tell your wife what you told me."
I glance over to Danny whose cold stare is focused on Nino. He refuses to look at me or acknowledge my presence.
"Nino, I think that you should mind your own business. Yes, there is something that I should tell Michelle. She can go home, and we can end this little charade of being a happy family. I am sick of pretending that we are something that we aren't."
Tears begin to spill on my cheeks. I can feel my heart breaking. The pain is so intense that I wince in agony. My soul feels so empty, so cold. I can't believe that Danny is treating me so impersonally, that he is being so cold and so detached.
I am just so damn confused, so hurt that I can barely think straight. I have never able to understand what is going in his head. Everytime I think that I do, I found out that I am wrong, so very wrong.
"We put on a good show, don't we, Mr. Rivera? I am sure that Carmen is probably patting herself on the back right now for being able to fool all her business associates. " I retort coldly, stealing a glance at Danny, and for a brief moment, pain flashes through his eyes. "Thank you for such an enlightening evening, Nino. You helped clear a lot of things up for me. I am not confused anymore."
Plastering a fake smile on my face, I cooly saunter towards Danny, and reach for his hand. At the every touch of my hand on his, he instinctively pulls away. Reaching behind my neck, I unclasp the pearl necklace that Danny had given me last night after we got home from the cemetry. As he put them around my neck, he had said, "I want to give you these as a promise. A promise that I will never hurt you or let anyone else hurt you."
I let a bitter laugh as I gently lay the necklace in his palm. "You broke another promise, Danny. I just didn't realize that it would be so soon. I see now how much your promises mean to you. Not a whole hell of a lot."
Danny closes his eyes. I know that he is remembering last night too. Pain is etched in his face. Suddenly, he opens his eyes, and I can see the hurt in them. The look in his eyes takes my breath away, and I almost forget about what he said to me, I almost forget everything. Damn him, I think, damn him for having this pull on me.
As I walk away, I can hear Danny say in a small whisper filled with so much regret that my heart starts to break. "Michelle, I am so sorry. Michelle." I don't even notice that Danny's body is lying crumpled on the cold stone patio.
As I leave the Rivera house, the wind seems to carry the sounds of Danny's heartbroken and tortured sobs....