. "And every time I go out of the house your gonna wonder what I am up to, but you won't really want to know." From the April 23th, 1999 show
For the hundredth time, I roll over and glance at the clock. 3:30 am. I have tried to sleep but I can’t especially when something could be wrong. Where in the world was Danny? It was not unusual for him to come home late. Actually, I had become use to Danny working until the middle of the night. Normally, it didn’t bother me, but for some reason, tonight was different. I just couldn’t shake this feeling that something was wrong. I probably don’t want to know where Danny is. And he would never tell me either. He does not share anything with me anymore. He has put a wall up, and he will do his damnedest to make sure that I don’t go anywhere near it. Just when I thought we were making progress, we always seem to hit a brick wall. But I know that something is going to give one of these days, and that our fragile truce is going to break into a thousand pieces. I just wish that Danny cared. I just wish that he were here lying in bed next to me. Please, God, I mumble before drifting off to sleep, please make sure that Danny is safe.
I am awakened by the sunlight flooding through the window. The sun is so bright that I trip and fall over my shoes lying next to the bed. Still no sign of Danny. Panic starts to build in my chest. Where was he? Without Danny, I feel so alone. I knew that I could always count on finding Danny next to me in the morning, that I could always be comforted by the sound of his even breathing. Now, I am plagued with worry, fear, and loneliness. I need Danny especially now. I hate being alone with Carmen. She makes me feel like I’m three feet tall. I can always feel her eyes on me. The reason I feel like a prisoner is because of her, not Danny. Poor Danny. But now, he would not believe me if I tried to explain.
It is almost time for breakfast. I never dreaded breakfast more in my life than I do now. I miss breakfast with Rick and Abby. We would always talk about something and once in awhile, Rick and I would get in a food fight, which Abby hated. Things are so different here at Casa Santos. Breakfast is hell. Carmen just shoots daggers in my direction the whole meal, and when Danny is here, she only talks to him. And the only thing that she wants to talk about is business, so I would sit and play with my food. Danny always ignored me too, but I felt comforted by his presence at the table.
Today will be even worse because he is not there, and I will have to endure Carmen’s endless questions and stares. She will just pay attention to Dietz, who will be standing in the corner, awaiting orders. I hope that I will be able to make it through this. I need to show Carmen that I can handle her without Danny. I can’t give her the satisfaction of knowing that she imitates the hell out of me. As I walk into the dining room, I take a deep breath, here goes nothing, I think to myself as I am greeted by Carmen’s spiteful smile.
******
As the others at the table argue about business loyalty, I start to twirl my eggs around my dish. I can’t believe that Mama has sent me to this stupid business meeting. When I get back home, I will give her a peace of my mind. I still can’t believe that I am letting her run my life. I don’t have much choice in the matter, but still, she is using my feelings to manipulate me into doing things that I promised myself that I would not do. I know exactly why Mama is doing this; she wants to keep me busy, but mostly importantly, to distance myself from Michelle. When Mama first approached me with this arrangement, I jumped at the chance. I needed to distance myself from Michelle. I need to stay in control of my feelings, and being around Michelle, it was becoming harder to stay in control.
The first month of my new arrangement with Mama was horrible. I would come home late and Michelle would be furious. One night, she totally lost it, she just started to scream at me, and I yelled back at her. After that night, Michelle started to change. Before our relationship was filled with ups and downs, and I would never know what to expect from her. One minute, she would be sassy and stubborn, and the next, she would be quiet and gentle. But now, Michelle was becoming more and more withdrawn, she rarely talked to me, and she stopped trying to charm me. When I would get home, I would often find her sound asleep or reading a textbook. It didn’t matter what she was doing because it was obvious that we were drifting further apart, and Michelle seems to have resigned herself to that fact.
Michelle must really hate me for leaving her alone with Mama. I know that Mama hates Michelle. Michelle has tried her best to be nice to Mama, but Mama just throws it in her face. But I can’t keep putting myself in the middle; I hate being in this position. Even if Michelle will not admit it, I know that she feels safe in my presence. There were times when I would see in her eyes that she does care about me even if she would not admit it. I relish those brief moments when she seeks my touch, especially when we walk into the dining room for breakfast or dinner; she will grab my arm or hand, and hang onto it for dear life. But still, I can’t shake this nagging feeling that she is just using me, that she does not care about me. I want to believe that her feelings for me are real, and most of the time, I can sense that they are, but there is still this nagging doubt. I should be able to trust my wife, I want to trust her, but I am not sure if I can. I can’t allow myself to keep getting hurt. I have to decide if Michelle is worth that price.
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