Quoteable Quotes
"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--"
--General John Sedgwick, Union commander in the Civil War, speaking his last words as he was watching enemy troops during the Battle of Spotsylvania Court House
"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge $5 for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote."
--Emo Philips
"Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It's not fair that some men should be happier than others."
--Oscar Wilde (famous writer who was married to a woman....did I mention he was a homosexual?)
"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"
--Abraham Lincoln
"The animals most often encountered in the singles jungle are pigs, dogs, wolves, skunks, slugs, and snakes. The fox is imaginary."
--Robert Byrne
"When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch up my X-Rays."
--Henry Youngman
In his younger days, French statesman George Clemenceau (1841-1929), poularly know as "The Tiger", fought a duel in a Parisian suburb. He bought a one-way ticket. "A one-way ticket?" said his secretary. "Are you pessimistic?" "Not at all," replied Clemenceau, "I always use my opponent's return ticket."
"If I had murdered my wife on our wedding day 15 years ago, I would have gotten less time than that."
--Frank Atkinson
"Guns are always the best method for a private suicide. They are more stylish looking than single edged razor blades and natural gas has got so expensive. Drugs are too chancy. You might miscalculate the dosage and just have a good time."
--P.J. O'Rourke, Modern Manners (1984)
"My mother didn't breast feed me. She said she liked me as a friend."
--Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a terrible lot of lies going around the world, and the worst od it is that half of them are true."
--Winston Churchill
Nancy Astor: "If I were your wife I would put poison in your coffee!"
Winston Churchill: "Maadam, if I were your husband I would drink it."
"When you go into court you are putting your fate in the hands of 12 people who were too stupid to get out of jury duty."
--Norm Crosby
"A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation."
--Saki
"...There is one thing I would break up over, and that's if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that."
--Steve Martin