Ponder This...
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?
If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on,
what happens?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called
shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?
THINGS YOU CAN'T SAY WITH A HALLMARK CARD
"Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder: What the heck was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one
likes your wife."
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone
to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed
in Hell until I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not
here to ruin it for me."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"We have been friends for a very long time, what say
we call it quits."
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you
ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a
sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps
and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for
your birthday-so we're having you put to sleep."
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal a job from decent, hardworking Americans.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken
crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
THE BIBLE:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken,
"Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and
there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one?
L.A. POLICE DEPARTMENT:
Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.
RICHARD M. NIXON:
The chicken did not cross the road.
I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.
DR. SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
If someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, that was
good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSAIN:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we
were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN:
What chicken?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes.
How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
SIGMUND FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the
chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES:
I have just released Chicken 98, which will not only cross roads,
but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
check book, and Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating
system.
EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath
the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I DID NOT cross the road with THAT chicken.
TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE IS UNDER-QUALIFIED
10. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.
9. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character
on "The West Wing."
8. His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is "That Bob Vila guy."
7. Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by
the fact that no one really cares.
6. Got his degree in Political Economics by bribing Sally
Struthers with a chocolate donut.
5. Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "The state or the DC
thingie?"
4. At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You
wanna wrestle?!?"
3. Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu
refugees once and for all.
2. Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then
shouts, "I win!"
..and the Number 1 Sign Your Presidential Candidate Is Under-Qualified..
1. On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to
use a LIFELINE.
Actual Newspaper Headlines
1.Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2.Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3.Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should
Be Belted
4.Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5.Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6.Farmer Bill Dies in House
7.Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8.Stud Tires Out
9.Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
10.Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
11.British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
12.Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
13.Eye Drops off Shelf
14.Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
15.Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
16.Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
17.Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
18.Miners Refuse to Work after Death
19.Stolen Painting Found by Tree
20.Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
21.Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
22.Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
23.Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
24.War Dims Hope for Peace
25.If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
26.Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
27.Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
28.Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
29.Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
30.Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
31.New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
32.Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
FAMOUS BUBBA
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there
is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how
about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba
and
his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and
sure
enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your
friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise
was
just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go.
At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour
and
motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was
just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and
let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is
very
shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to
Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba.
"My folks are from Poland, and I've know the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the
masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I
can't
catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know
all
the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the
balcony
with the Pope." and he disappears into the crowd headed toward the
Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope
on
the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss
has
had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His
boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came
out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the
balcony with Bubba?"
You Need A New Lawyer When...
1. During your initial consultation he tries to
sell you Amway.
2. He tells you that his last good case was a
"Budweiser."
3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is,
they high-five each other.
4. He picks the jury by playing
"duck-duck-goose."
5. During the trial you catch him playing his
Gameboy.
6. He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
7. A prison guard is shaving your head.
8. Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack
Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a
shot.
9. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
10. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the
defense table.
11. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally
McBeal once said ..."
12. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v.
Mothra.
13. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The
judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"
14. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes
those little quotation marks in the air with his
fingers.
15. The sign in front of his law office reads
"Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM."
16. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells
the judge, "Whatever."
17. He giggles every time he hears the word
"briefs."
True Labels found on Products
On a blanket from Taiwan: NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists: REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
On a Taiwanese shampoo: USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink: AFTER OPENING, KEEP
UPRIGHT.
On a New Zealand insect spray: THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
In a US guide to setting up a new computer: TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
On a packet of Sunmaid raisins: WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
On a Sears hairdryer: DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
On a bag of Fritos: YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap: DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box): DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
On a Korean kitchen knife: WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
On a Japanese food processor: NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
On Sainsbury's peanuts: WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
On a Swedish chainsaw: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
On a child's superman costume: WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
World's Thinnest Books
Staying Happily Married by Elizabeth Taylor
Beauty Secrets by Janet Reno
Home Built Airplanes by John Denver
Down Hill Skiing by Sonny Bono
Atlantic Crossings of the Titanic by White Star Lines
How To Get To The Superbowl by Dan Marino
Flying At Night by JFK, Jr.
Things I Love About Bill by Hillary Clinton
My Life's Memories by Ronald Regan
Things I Can't Afford By Bill Gates
My Plan To Find The Real Killer by O.J. Simpson
Things I Would Not Do For Money by Dennis Rodman
The Wild Years by Al Gore
All The Men I've Loved Before by Ellen DeGeneres
Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific Ocean
America's Most Popular Lawyers
Detroit--A Travel Guide
Dr. Kevorkian's Collection Of Motivational Speeches
Everything Men Know About Women
Everything Women Know About Men
Mike Tyson's Guide To Dating Etiquette
Mike Tyson's Guide To Eating Etiquette
TRUE STORIES (OR ARE THEY??? ............Well, the first one is anyway.)
Bricklayers Accident Report
This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. So here is this Bricklayer's report:
Dear Sir;
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was
able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground-and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.
I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.
CIA Job Interview
The director of the CIA has to hire a new secret operative. He has narrowed it down to three final applicants. He schedules the three interviews side to side as he feels he can make the decision in a short session with each.
The big day comes for the three lucky applicants as each is called in to meet with the director from a waiting room.
The first candidate sits down after the initial introductions. The director says, "Son, you are one of three finalists for this position. In order for you to qualify, you need to prove your loyalty to me, this organization and to your country. I have selected a way for you to do this." The director slides a large handgun across the table and says, "Your wife is in the next room, take this gun, go in and shoot her in the head."
The candidate is so caught off guard that he just tells the director, "Sir with all respect, you are out of your mind. I have been married for six great years and I love this woman. I decline." With that he walks out of the office.
The director doesn't miss a step, he nods at a double mirror and says switch the wife for candidate two. He summons the second candidate and escorts him in. "Son, it is down to two candidates. If you want a chance at this position then show your loyalty to me, the organization and your country." He slides the gun across the table and tells him his wife in the next room. "All you have to do is put a round in her head."
Much like the first candidate the second in dumbfounded. He stands up and says, "Sir, you can't ask this of me, I love my country, but I love my wife more. She is my childhood sweetheart. I regret I have to turn down the job sir." He hangs his head low and walks out of the office.
The director nods at the window and goes to retrieve the final applicant. As he leads him in he says, "Son, you are the last and final chance I have of finding a new agent. The two before you have failed this simple test." He slides the revolver across the table to him and tells him, "your wife is in the next room, take this gun and go put a round in her head. Do this and you will have proven your worthiness to me, this department and the country."
The man picks up the gun with zeal. He steps over and through a closed door and shuts it behind him. The director listens from his office and he hears a shot ring out. Then another shot is fired. Things are quiet for about ten seconds and suddenly thunderous noise comes from the room. Smashing, breaking wood and thumping sounds emanate from the room. Then there is complete silence. The director steps to the door and says, "Son is everything ok?"
A voice calls back, "Yes sir, some wise guy put blanks in the gun, but I was able to choke her to death."
Have a history teacher explain this...if they can.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Lincoln's Secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain 7 letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both their wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both were assasinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
The names Andrew and Lyndon each contain 6 letters.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.
John Wilkes Booth, who assasinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assasinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Lincoln was shot in a theater named 'Ford'.
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln'.
Booth ran from a theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were both assassinated (or murdered) before their trials.
AND HERE'S THE KICKER:
A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot he was with Marylin Monroe.