A man is conversing with his neighborhood butcher, when a small dog trots in, holding some money in his mouth.
The butcher says, "What'll it be today? Beef?" The little dog shakes his head.
"How bout chicken?" The dog shakes his head 'no' again.
The butcher says, "Chops?" The dog wags his tail wildly.
"Pork chops?" Dog shakes his head.
"Lamb chops?" The tails wags frantically again.
"Okay, lamb chops..." The butcher cuts the meat, takes the money from the dog's mouth, and puts the wrapped chops in the dog's mouth, and the little dog trots off.
"That was amazing!" says the man.
"Oh, he comes in here every other day or so," says the butcher. The man says, "I have to follow that dog and see where he lives!" He runs out, spots the dog trotting up the block. He follows him til the dog runs up a flight of steps to a house, gets on the porch, raises up on his hind legs, and rings the doorbell with his nose. A man comes to the door, takes the meat from the dog, then YELLS at him and locks him away in his crate.
The man watching is outraged. He storms up to the house, and rings the doorbell. When the dog owner appears, the man says, "You know, mister- that's absolutely the smartest dog I've ever seen. He goes to the butcher shop for you, ORDERS the meat, PAYS for it, BRINGS it home, RINGS the damn doorbell, and you TREAT HIM THAT WAY?????""Yeah," says the man, "That's the 3rd time this week he forgot his key!"
There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead. They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is myseeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher? Man replies "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in." The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the hell," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here."
"You don't understand," says the man. "This is no regular dog, he can talk."
"Listen, pal," says the bartemder. "If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks."
The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, "What's on top of a house?"
"Roof!"
"Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?"
"Bark!"
"And what kind of sport is Judo?"
"Rough!"
"I guess you've heard enough," says the man. "I'll take the hundred in twenties."
The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here before I belt you."
As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says,
"Do you think I should have said 'gentle'?"
A Dog Called "Sex" Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, --You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.
The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day-when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
Instructions for washing a cat 1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe it while you carry it towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
(You may want to stand on the lid so that it cannot escape)
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as it's paws will be reaching out searching for anything it can find!
"The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds."
AND
Never mind the noise that comes from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "POWERWASH and RINSE" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand as far back as you can and lift both lids.
8. The NOW-CLEAN cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where it will dry it's self!
Sincerely, The Dog.
P.S. Thank you for letting me watch the "TV Show ALF"
The Great Dane We have had the pleasure of taking care of many dogs for friends and customers. But the one we will never forget is the Great Dane that is a hand full and a half! "Leah" is the most beautiful dog, and what a personality! We have fallen in love with this girl and she has become part of the family "so much so" that we are going to have a hard time giving her back! But she had no problem adjusting to us and we to her. When you talk about dog's size, she tips the scale at the big end! I mean 75+lbs and boy can she eat and drink. When she drinks it sounds like a horse drinking!
We have always let our dogs sleep on the bed with us, and when she gets on the bed at night and sleeps with Jennifer our daughter on a full size bed there is not very much room left! And the funniest thing is when she gets on the couch, which killed me! I could not stop laughing, because she took up over half of the couch as you can see by the picture.And this is a full size couch!
So to all the owners out there, that own a big dog, "I say" you sure have your hands and house full and my hat comes off to you! This has been one experience that we will never forget! And we can not wait for the next time we can take care of her again!
Remember who your true friends are A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that his faithful dog had been dead for many years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. As he reached the wall, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch, and the street that led to the gate made from pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out,
"Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is heaven, sir," the man answered. "Wow! Would you happen to have some water? We have traveled far," the man said. "Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment, remembering all the years this dog remained loyal to him and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going. After another long walk he came to a plain dirt road, which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water? We have traveled far."
"Yes, sure, there's a faucet over there." The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in and help yourself." "How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to his dog. "There should be a bowl by the faucet; he is welcome to share." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned faucet with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them. "What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
"This is heaven," was the answer.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was heaven, too." "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell." "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No. We're just happy that they screen out the folks who'd leave their best friends behind in exchange for material things."
Remember who your true friends are!
"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."
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