I had planned to go to NYC before the Sept 11 attack, and had signed up for this one-day trip through the local adult ed. It's $49 round trip and a good deal. I've gone on this trip several times in the past. It leaves my town at 6:30 a.m. and arrives in NYC at about 10:30. You have the whole day in the city and leave at about 7 p.m. It gives me time to see my friend Michael, do a bit of shopping down in the Village, and see a matinee.

After the attack I really wasn't sure what I should do, then I decided I'd be damned if I stopped going to one of the places that I love the most in the world because of fear. So I decided to go, but I was admittedly quite nervous.

Getting into the city is very different from how it used to be.

No breezing right in on a Saturday. The traffic is tied up on all the expressways because there are roadblocks at each off ramp that leads to the city and all trucks and vans are stopped and searched. I appreciated the sense of security, but what continued to get to me through the day were the planes in the sky, and all the tall buildings. I felt my heart skip each time I saw that.

Once I got to the city I got a ticket to see the Lion King (paid throughout the nose!!) and then took the subway down to Ground Zero. Even the subway was oddly silent (and I take the subway all the time when I'm in the city). It takes about twenty minutes to get there from Times Square. The subway stop is about three blocks from the site.

The second you get out of the subway station all you can smell is something burning. It doesn't smell of dead bodies or decaying flesh, but it is a very acrid odor. I don't know if it was because it was a Saturday, or because of the attack, but the streets were almost empty. There were businesses open, but there were no people to speak of. It was like a ghost town in some movie.

You can get within about a block and a half of the site. There is a chain link fence that has a green tarp on it, blocking a clear view straight down the street. But you can see the ruins in the distance, and see the smoke and dust mingling in the air.

I think this is the view we see most on t.v., of that one piece of the building still balanced there. You can see and hear all the construction vehicles moving. People were climbing on mailboxes to see over the fence and were taking pictures for each other.

There were many people there, but it was really a reverential feeling, as if you were in church. I happened to be there at noon, and there's a church somewhere within the closed off blocks, that wasn't damaged. So at noon the bells started tolling the hour and then played "Praise to the Lord".

The goosebumps raised ten feet off my arms, and most of us had tears in our eyes.

It was overwhelming.

There are two other side streets that you can go down to get a view, and it was the last one that did me in. It's there that you see the rubble of the North and South Towers. The pile of debris has to be between eight and ten stories high, and you can get a very clear view of this. You're only about a block away from the site.

I can't even begin to describe what it actually looks like, smells like, and feels like. Even the pictures that I took don't show what it is that I really saw. The pictures make it look small and far away, but where you’re there, it's huge.

There was a firefighter at the barrier who would ask if there were any family members there, as they are given full access to the site. This firefighter had been there since five the previous morning, and hadn't taken a break. I asked him how he could keep doing this and he said because they still believe that there might be someone alive!

There are bomb shelters under the structures that had a three-month supply of food, so they think there's still a chance that they might find just ONE person.

I started to cry when he said this, I was overwhelmed thinking of the jubilation that the country would feel if this did happen. Even now I well up thinking about it.

This guy also told me that he goes to therapy three times a week, so he can deal with all these emotions and with all that he has seen.

I think I spent about an hour there altogether, and I felt drained when I left. The subway back to Times Square was equally quiet.

There were lots of tourists in Times Square, and really you wouldn't know that anything was wrong, except for the heightened police visibility. And the fact that every street vendor was selling stuff that was red white and blue.

I went to see The Lion King, and cried through the opening. It's one of the most incredible things that I've ever seen (and it's the second time that I've seen the show). It's really spectacular.

After the show I had just enough time to grab a bite, wander through a couple of stores and then get back on the bus. The trip home took forever, because the traffic getting out of the city was huge.

I am very very glad that I did go, and that I went to Ground Zero. I don't know that it's helped me deal with the sadness of it all, but it was important that I go and put some of my fears to rest.