Listening to: Meat Loaf-Very Greatest Hits
Reading: Ransom Julie Garwood
Weather: sunny and cold(?)
Trivia: What's the rarest known species of shark?
In 1976, the marine biology world was amazed by the capture of a very peculiar, previously unknown shark off the Hawaiian island of Oahu. The new species was called "megamouth" for its bathtub-size mouth. The megamouth shark (Megachasma pelagios) is the rarest of all sharks. As of 1999, only 13 have been sighted or captured. The largest specimen is 5.1 meters long (17 feet). Like its cousin the whale shark, the megamouth is a harmless filter feeder. Because the inside of its mouth is lined with a silvery reflective layer, some scientists think the megamouth might emit light to attract tiny animals into its mouth. If so, that makes it the largest known luminescent life form.
Cool word: bower [n. BOU-ur]
A bower is usually a shady, leafy recess, like a little garden nook with green foliage all around. It can also be a woman's private chamber in a medieval castle or a rustic country cottage. All three senses of this word came from the same root, Middle English bour (dwelling), from Old English bur, from the ancient Germanic root *buram (dweller; farmer). Also from that root was Old English gebur (dwellers), source of neighbor, and Middle Dutch gheboer (peasant), source of boor. Much more recently, we have bowery, which originally named a sleazy district in New York City and now can refer to any rough, dangerous part of town. It's from New York's Bowery Street, which once led to the bouwerij (farm) of Peter Stuyvesant.
Immobility
I can’t say for sure what today’s weather was like. I never left the apartment. For anything. No morning coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts and never went to check the mail.
I’m entering a very black place I think.
I don’t like the person I am lately. I don’t like that I think so negatively all the time or that I’m neglecting all the little things that can make life easier. I am pretending things don’t exist, even though I know they do, and in doing so I know I’m not doing the right things. It’s hard to explain. An example would be that I’m ignoring the bills as they come in. I never do that. I’m not the world’s most efficient, but I do manage to get them paid.
Not lately.
I’m ignoring schoolwork. I should have spent the day getting progress reports written (I have approximately one hundred of them due by Friday), or I should have done my budget. That’s due Monday. Of course they never requested it until Wednesday, so I hadn’t even thought about it. I hate doing the budget as I have no idea what I’ll really want for next year. So I avoid it and will be panicking tomorrow night.
I don’t know who I am these days. But I don’t like her very much.
I should be thinking about what little details need to get done for the show next Sunday. Instead I’m ignoring them.
I don’t like who I am in the chorus, so I pretend it doesn’t exist if I’m not talking to someone about it. There are piles of chorus stuff surrounding me, and I turn a blind eye.
I just want it done. Over.
But I’m afraid that I’m so immobile that things are going to spiral out of control, when I should be dealing with them now. If I don’t deal with things the fallout is bound to be far worse, but I can’t get myself to do anything to stop the problems before they start.
I want to hide in my bed, play on the computer or just sit on the couch and watch television.
I’ve stopped doing anything creative. I haven’t stamped a single card to send to anyone, or even just experimented for my own enjoyment. I have thousands and thousands of stamps, but I don’t touch even touch them. I can’t find any reason to be inspired or to want to do something for someone else.
This is so not me.
The smallest things are stressing me out, and the more stress I feel the more immobile I get. I know it’s bad when I don’t even bother to keep up with the e-mail.
I sent Michael a joke this morning and said I’d write more when my disposition improved. He wrote later in the afternoon asking about my disposition and I sent him a two-word answer "it sucks". Usually I’d be so happy to hear from him that I’d send some sort of well thought out and well written answer. Not today.
I have to find a way out of this and back into at least pretending to be happy.
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