This season is a real struggle for me.
I'm trying to participate in the obligatory parties and get togethers, but it's not easy. I have to force myself out of the house and paste a smile on my face, then stay only long enough to not look like a stinker. But I high-tail it out of there as soon as possible.
I'm sad. I miss my mother. I don't want to see decorations or sing songs, it's not the same. The rest of my family seems to be able to move on. I can't. I just want to forget it all and cry. I'm not putting up decorations or buying a tree or listening to carols. The plan is strictly to survive the two days (Christmas Eve and Day) and then put all signs of the holiday behind me.
I have done all the shopping I need to, and everyone who needs to be remembered or gifted in my life will be, but only because I have to, not because I want to.
I'm looking forward to having the time off from school and I plan to continue to work on getting this place put together. I've gotten some things done lately, it's a process, but it's slowly happening.
Then I'll have to survive New Year's Eve.