Restless
I think last night has taken a lot out of me. Or it might just be one of those last straw sort of things. Coupled with all the other crap that I’m struggling with right now, it’s put me into a very black place. I feel restless and jumpy…as if can’t stand the feel of my own skin. I can’t stand my own company, yet I really don’t want to talk to or be with anyone.
How’s that for being downright impossible?
I wish I knew what steps to take to change things. I feel as if I’m tied in knots. Part of the problem is that I’m paralyzed by fear. What if I make some move and it doesn’t work out? Or even worse, what if it does? What if I try and fail? Isn’t it better to not try and just always wonder about the what might have beens?
Being alone makes me think too much. I keep going around in circles about the same issues, yet I do nothing to extricate myself. Why? Fear. Plain and simple.
Ugly and staring me in the face. I turn away rather than face what I see there.
I sound like an angst filled Sarah Bernhardt. I need to stop dwelling and start doing. Or at least stop complaining out loud. Or in writing.
Ironically this was the quote of the day I received this morning:
Continuing to cling to the patterns you know inhibits your ability to discover what you don't know. -- Eric Allenbaugh
Ironic isn’t it? Some cyber quote guru is reading this and peering into my life, so he can add some philosophical bon mots to my already addled brain.
Just perfect. Someone else’s words to make me think about what I already know I’m doing wrong.
I escaped the apartment today just to get out of the place. It was a gray day that kept promising rain, but barely delivered. Just a quick shower or two, not the soaking rain that the area needs. My look of the day was in keeping with the gloominess of the weather. I threw on a pair of khaki shorts and an oversized denim shirt. Let my hair (which continues to be too dark, despite two rounds of painting in blonde highlights.) dry naturally, no blow drying today. And I DIDN’T WEAR MAKEUP! For anyone who knows me, this is a red flag.
I wear makeup to empty the trash on most days. Now, this isn’t heavy makeup, especially when I’m not working. Generally it just means under-eye concealer, liner and mascara, and a swipe of blush. My eyes disappear without makeup and the deep dark circles under them make me look as if I’ve got two black eyes, thanks to my Irish heritage and allergies
I didn’t go far, just to a couple of craft stores and Office Max. Looking for card making stuff that I don’t need, but that was distracting. I almost bought a kit to make a sock monkey. I have no idea why. I may get one eventually, even though I talked myself out of it today. They are awfully cute. Might offer some false comfort.
In some ways I am such a child!
I didn’t buy much, just some stuff to crackle wood and make it look old. It was on sale too. I have this box I keep thinking I’m going to crackle then collage. Maybe I actually will some day.
While I’m at it, I think I’ll share today’s horoscope.
ARIES
The effects of the solar eclipse are going to reveal themselves over the next few weeks in an increase in awareness of certain matters, events help to bring this about, in particular you will become aware more of your powers of creativity, your sense of enterprise is refreshed, your dealings with children are changed in some significant way. From now on you are more determined to express your emotional side.
This is actually fairly optimistic, which is something I’m finding hard to see any truth in at this moment. It would be nice if my dealing with children involved either having my own classroom, or not dealing with them at all any more. I just don’t want to be the special ed teacher any more. I’m so tired of all that junk.
I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. I do know that R.J. gave me the wrong schedule and isn’t off until Friday, so that means I have no commitments for the day. This could be a good thing or disaster.
Depends on which side of the roller coaster hill I wake up on. I can’t figure if it’s better to be heading up, or flying down. Either way I’ll end up with a stomachache.
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