Number 1 - Safety Caps on OJ bottles, iced tea, and other sealed jars. They make a strangely cool sound when you POP them open, then you can make as many of the POP-ing noises as you want. Nothing could be that good for free.
Number 2 - Troll Dolls. They sure do look a lot like this guy who lives down my street. Are they pointy haired little love muffin thingies or the beginning stages of a plot that could wipe out humanity?
Number 3 - Salt. NaCl. Very spooky. why is it's normal name, salt, so different from it's chemical name, Sodium Chloride?
Number 4 - Remote Controls. They can control the TV from across the room. They can control cars from hundreds of feet. Why can't they control us from anywhere?
Number 5 - Pencils. It's called lead, but it's graphite! What the heck? They are two different materials. I'm not even going to try to figure that one out.
Number 6 - Gummi Bears. All I have to say is that they look a LOT like real bears.
Number 7 - Ties. They are basically controlled nooses. They could break free of our controlling grasp and have us under their power any day now.
Number 8 - French Fries. They're called chips in England, fries in America, yet both countries speak English. And then we call potato chips "chips". Maybe the English know something we don't. You know they might still be mad about that little revolutionary war thing.
Number 9 - Social Security Numbers. We've been bar coded. Face it.
Number 10 - The big pyramid thing with an eye on the back of the dollar bill. It's staring at me! Why did they put it there? I think it has to be surveillance.
Number 11 - Teachers. How come they know so much about us, and yet know so little? I wonder if they’re undercover FBI agents. What did I do?!
Number 13 - Those freaky little tapes that you get around Halloween. Where did they get all those noises?
Number 13 - The Government. Need I say more?
Number 14 - Rosswell, NM. Why should I be paranoid about that? Aliens rule! It’s just Area 51 that I’m worried about…
Number 15 - Nuclear war with Iraq. Wait, that a good thing, isn’t it?!?!
Number 16 - Penguins. Why are they always dressed up? Why do they look so nice? Why can’t I look that nice?! I think they’re working for the Government.
Number 17 - Mailbox flags. Is this a monitoring device? Who know I’m here? Hello? Hello?!
Number 18 - Computer Viruses. If they have that effect on computers, I don’t even want to know what they can do to us!
Number 19 - Fireworks. Is this the Government’s descrete way of telling us that they’re going to nuke the world soon?
Number 20 - The Charmin babies. They look so sweet and innocent...all right, what’s the catch here?!
Number 21 - Stephan King. Where does he get all those ideas?
Number 22 - Artificial Intelligence. They’re computers. They’re intelligent. They could take over the Galaxy. Do you require any more convincing?
Number 23 - Trees. Why do they loose their leaves in the winter? Is this a natural phenomena, or is it because of radiation?
Number 24 - Sci-Fi. Do you really want an explanation?
Number 25 - Lightsabers. One word of advice, do not upset a Jedi.
Number 26 - X-Files. Unexplainable occurrences, paranormal experiences, alien encounters, pursuit of the truth...Hey! Sounds a lot like my life! (Now that is something to be paranoid about...life in general.)
Number 26 ½ - Life in General.
Number 27 - Star Trek. Cloaking devices. What is this? A very unfair game of hide and seek?!
Number 28 - Copyright dates. Exactly how long has this been around?
Number 29 - Dry Ice. Wait, doesn’t that hurt when you touch it? Ice is water, right? And we need water to live, right? There’s something severely wrong about this. How can ice be dry? I don’t even want to know about its chemical makeup.
Number 30 - Nitrogen. Isn’t that the stuff they use to freeze off warts?
Number 31 - Glycerin. Isn’t that the stuff in Jell-O?
Number 32 - Nitroglycerin. Mix wart freeze and Jell-O together, and look what it did to my house!!
Number 33 - I just realized, whatever happened to number 12? These typo-things scare me… I mean, what would happen if they had all of the records of my existence and then accidentally hit the “delete” key?
Number 34 - The Tooth Fairy. Why does she want my teeth? Is she trying to take over the world as well? I’m not even going to try to figure out how teeth fit into that equation.
Number 35 - Algebra. How is it remotely possible for X+Y=Z? If X+Y=Z, then what does GOVERNMENT equal?!
Number 36 - DNA. It’s the code of life. What would happen if somebody cracked it?
Number 37 - Nucleotides. Adenine, Thymine, Guanine, and Cytosine. What about the ones we haven’t discovered yet? Are they gong to nuke the world too?
Number 38 - Colorblindness. If they can’t see what we can, what can they see that we can’t?!
Number 39 - Rainbows. I know it’s just light refraction, but what’s with this pot of gold?!
Number 40 - Cameras. How small can they make them?
Number 41 - Country Music. This includes banjos, harmonicas, and yodeling. Now that is something to be paranoid about.
Number 42 - Telepathy.
Well, you can read my mind, figure it out yourself!
Number 43 - Phantom of the Opera. Beware Box 5, the poonjab lasso, and being trampled flat-chested ballet girls.
Number 44 - Les Miserables. This is a musical about escaped convicts, prostitutes, and people killing each other. We call this art?!
Number 45 - Scissors. Blades and plastic. We give these to kindergartners?!
Number 46 - Genders. No matter which way you look at it, it’s a very scary thing.
Number 47 - Religion. I don’t even want to get into it!
Number 48 - Copy Machines. The first form of cloning.
Number 49 - Human beings(aka: Future Solians). They want to blow up the Earth. What next?
Number 50 - OJ. It means a healthy juice from an orange and O.J. Simpson. Is it just coincidence?
Number 51 - The Mars candy bar. It isn't made by Mars or on Mars. Something fishy there...
Number 52 - Vitamins. Why do they have EW times the amount of nutrition you need? Too much of anything is not good.
Number 53 - Beanie Babies. How can a mass marketed toy sell for 15 times the price while its still in production?
Number 54 - Jack antennae balls. Do you ever notice they're staring at you as the car passes?
Number 55 - AOL disks. It must be a government plot. No self respecting company would give away that much.
Number 56 - Hungry Jack. Why do you get four more waffles? It must be a plot to get you to eat them, but why? Are they actually made by a Russian terrorist group that mix in a little poison in each waffle?
Number 57 - Hot dogs. Why do they dye them red? And what are they made of? Is the name an indication?
Number 58 - CDs. Why do they vary in thickness? So bugs can fit within them?
Number 59 - Computers. What do they have to do with men discoing in plastic suits?
Number 60 - If you’re not paranoid by now...I fear for your life ( you might want to check the electrical outlets for any bugs....and don’t forget to watch you back.)
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