Part 5 – No Hope
Nick was dreaming of the most radiant woman he had ever seen.
In his own bed, his body was entwined with Mandy’s, large fingers interlaced with tiny, delicate, soft ones. Her breathing was quiet and even, her body warm all against Nick’s. In his sleep he kissed the tip of her shoulder, where the bone jutted out but the skin was smooth as silk. She inhaled deeply, content in her own dreams.
Only bright light encircled the girl in his dream. Devastatingly bright light, excrutiatingly brilliant sunshine. Nick shielded his light blue eyes as they began burning. He had no idea who she was but he wanted to go closer.
And then abruptly it was dark and he was lying on his back, looking up at the stars. Nickolas began to remember something that he knew wasn’t even a memory, but more a thought. It was of a city, the sound of one at least, beeping horns and screeching tires, and overall bustle of a densely populated area. He heard two people laughing and then, there in the sky above him, he saw the two people.
It was him. And he was with that radiant woman. Her dark shiny hair fell to her shoulders, loosely about a low cut white dress that circled them. They were standing outside of a small doorway. He unlocked the door and then looked at the girl, into her eyes, eyes that in so many ways mirrored his own soul, and then he grinned and she looked as if she had won a million dollars. He hoisted her up gently and she squeaked a little as she put her hands around his neck.
And he carried her over the threshold.
*****
It was one of my fondest memories. One of the few lives where we had sealed our fate for one another. He carried me into a tiny apartment in Brooklyn that we had acquired just before the wedding. Tomorrow we would go on our honeymoon to Los Angeles. We were simple people, living a simple life. It would be that way until the war began and I would lose him to a German bomb striking a hospital where he was caring for wounded soldiers. But that wouldn’t be for a few years. We would have a couople of wonderful years until then.
As we stepped into the apartment, tiny yet ours, he began kissing my neck very gently and I rubbed my hands through his outgrown blond hair. My father had told me I was marrying a slacker. He should have been out making a living rather than pouring over those books of his. Adam, his name in that life, would be beginning medical school shortly after our honeymoon.
I looked at the perfection of his face and thought how God alone could sculpt something so flawless and magnificent. I wondered to myself if God had actually put him here to torture me with beauty. It felt that way sometimes, when I looked at him, it hurt. But it was a good hurt, the best kind. I put my lips to his ears and traced them with my mouth, savoring their own perfection, memorizing every inch of them with my tongue. A slight ecstatic breath escaped his lips. We would be together for the first time tonight.
“Sunshine.” He whispered hoarsely. It was funny that my spirit nickname had transferred to this life. One of the ways he was in touch with the Other Side. He set me down near our small bed and began to meticulously remove my wedding dress, so as not to tear it. He would kiss every area that he would touch afterwards, as if he had bruised my delicate skin by placing his warmness onto it. I shivered at the way he cared, the way he fondled me so gently. I was all his and wondered what I had done to deserve something that felt so complete.
That first night, he entered me in a rush, hurriedly with the desperation of a man who had been longing for his favorite food for months and had been kept from it. All my friends who were married had told me how uncomfortable sex generally was. But this was not uncomfortable in the slightest. He filled every inch of me, and our bodies sighed together in a mass of sweat and uncontrollable thrusts. Adam held onto me tightly, tilted my head back and kissed my neck with force and desire, saying my name repeatedly and pressing his lips and teeth and tongue into my sweet skin that he longed to taste forever. He drew me in closer and closer until I felt I could hardly stand it anymore, the pulsating rhythm and friction of our bodies creating sweet music and laughter.
When we were through, we held each other tightly, sweating and panting, caressing one another’s faces and back and chests. We had made a child that night. And there would be one more to follow, the road to the normal life and family we thought we would have.
But nothing came easy in life. And Nickolas was taken from me shortly after our second daughter was born.
I had remarried a few years later. His best friend, actually, who would care for our children as if they were his own. I didn’t feel passion for the spirit that was Brian in Nick’s current life. But he was a good man and we remained married until the day he held my hand when I chose my fifth and final exit point, journeying back home. I was greeted at the gate by Nickolas and my Spirit Guide, Mala who embraced me. I prayed that Brian would come home as well soon, and he joined me in about two months, unable to function well without his wife of 52 years.
That had been a good life.
Nick lay on his back and watched my memory. He was perplexed how it could be his own memory but that it had never happened. He was confused between memories of this life and of a previous. Yet he felt one thing. He wanted to be with the girl. His body had felt amazing, like it was defying gravity, like he was experiencing it himself, as he watched us make love. He felt it himself, every second of it, every breath and every movement, every miraculous heartbeat. Love like that was missing from his life.
But it wasn’t. That’s what I was showing. I was showing him that I was right there.
*****
They had never expected to see Nick there. He was dressed all in white and his hair was limp and hung close to his face. When she saw him, the first thing his mother thought was how poorly her beautiful angel looked. There was heartbreak in his eyes and he was stone faced. His skin had broken out from worry as it did so often these days. He still called her Jane.
Jane was in Canada with her youngest son, Aaron, also a performer who only desired to be with his brother and thus imitated him to feel close to him, winding him in the same predicament that Nick was in himself. Bob was there as well.
Jane’s life, to say the least, was becoming everything she had dreamed it to be. Her eldest son was arguably the most sought after man in the entire world. He was at the height of fame and fortune and they were leading the good life because of him. Unfortunately she never got to see him, despised his girlfriend, and somehow found herself distancing from him every time she tried to get closer. Her youngest was also making a name for himself and getting more and more successful every day. She coddled him because he was not yet bitter and going through teenage angst, as Jane told herself daily was what Nick was experiencing. Her daughters were all beautiful, one of them a model and another aspiring to sing as well. Her youngest was smart and cute and Jane worried very little about her, changing her concentration mostly to Aaron. She had also just renewed her wedding vows with Bob. And although she had caught him cheating just weeks before with a young girl who could have been her eldest daughter’s age, she threw it all to the side and immersed herself in her career as a manager to her children. Bob loved her. And he had always cheated. She just put up with it because she really didn’t care what he did. She only cared about appearance. And from the outside, they looked like the Brady Bunch.
Seeing Nick’s appearance now worried her. His eyes were glassy when he looked at her and gave her a stiff hug. “Hey Jane.” He said quietly, patting her lightly on the back. It was so strange to her because he had always been so affectionate. Now, it felt as if a stranger was touching her.
Nick was there to see his brother. His brother that he loved so dearly and hadn’t seen in over a year. He was being pulled in so many directions, it made him nauseous. Mandy was unforgiving, wanting him to herself at all times. The group was unforgiving as well. When he was with them, he just felt tired. The fans didn’t understand, all they were interested in was taking pictures of him. They didn’t hear his voice, they only saw his face and it bothered Nick to the very core of him. He wished he was ugly. Unattractive people didn’t understand. They didn’t see that the beautiful were taken advantage of just as much as the un-beautiful. He just wished that appearances would go away and all that would be left was the substance. But he couldn’t express this to anyone. People would think he was whining and being selfish, and really, he just didn’t know how to express it. The only way he could express it was when he was singing.
The night before he had broken up with Mandy. After he had said something mean to her. After he had been responding to her accusations of cheating in Europe. He had cheated, but he kept his façade up for Mandy and told her that she had dreamt it up. And then a real fight had incurred and she told him she was sick of living his life and putting up with his crap. Looking back today, Nick could understand completely. He himself was sick of his life.
Then she had smacked him. He deserved to be smacked. He had called her a cunt. What hurt him more than the smack had been the person he was turning into. He hardly recognized himself in the mirror, confused and unsure. But hadn’t he always been those things? At least before he had been content. But he wasn’t any longer. He was simply lost. Nickolas didn’t think things could get much worse.
He hated Jane. She had created the monster that he was. She had forced him into this when he was just a child, pushed and pushed and pushed. Initially he had only wanted to please her. He liked to sing. He didn’t like being a star. It was confusing and Nick’s brain couldn’t stand it. It was too hard to concentrate on and ponder over.
When Nick surprised Aaron on stage his heart contracted. He supposed there was a little room left there. Maybe he could open it back up to his mother. Maybe he would try. Things would be easier with Mandy out of the picture.
*****
He was finding it difficult to breathe without her. He was afraid no one would ever love him again, not the way she did.
They were in the doggy-style position. It was Nick’s favorite because it gave him complete control and he could feel his entire length inside the girl. This particular one was a screamer and it almost made him laugh at the way she was carrying on. When she came, he did as well, and then he maneuvered himself to fall on top of her, his head on her neck. “Good Lord,” she said breathlessly, running her hands through his sweaty hair.
He kissed her wet skin, finding solace in the physical comfort. A part of him did love all these women. He loved them because they were his only relief, his only sign of God in this miserable world that he was living in.
He needed to get back together with Mandy. He would beg if he had to.
I lay on the other queen sized bed in his hotel room as he made the decision. One tiny tear fell down my cheek. I wanted him to see all of the wordly gifts he had. I wanted him to wake up and feel all the love from those around the world he touched daily without even knowing. I was angry at how selfish and ignorant he was being. I told him over and over again. But he never understood. He never listened. I was getting tired of this and I was absolutely no help to him at all.
*****
After Nick and Mandy reunited, it was like a landslide. Nick lost his family, his best friend, the faith of his fans, and somehow his self respect all in an instant and he didn’t understand why he felt so rotten and so misunderstood. If they didn’t understand and want him to be happy it was their own damn problem.
They eventually crawled back to him, everyone, because he held a new power that he wasn’t even aware of. It was the power of who he was. He got high on it for a while, but like any drug, he crashed eventually.
And he found out what a superb actor he was. He acted every day of his life. Acted like he was happy and having fun. He tried ecstasy for the first time and fucked like there was no tomorrow, and in the morning he threw up and sat quivering on the bathroom floor wondering where he was and who had become. He hung out with trash from Tampa and at the same time partied with Elton John. Nickolas was in between himself and the world and everything around and he was confused and excited and not content at all.
Mandy was holding onto him for dear life. He reunited with his family after cutting them off, willing them to do his mercy. The guys and himself were releasing their third US album and he was scared that everything could be taken from him in a moments notice. And he couldn’t decide whether he wanted that or not.
On the night before he tried to break the contract I stood outside of his house, standing on water that he watched with drugged over eyes and I called to him, as loud and as forceful as I could. He focused on me out there in the moonlight for only a moment, then squeezed his eyes shut tight, trying to get rid of the lump in his throat. I screamed as if someone were torturing me. I screamed with everything I had. I reached out to him but he slid through my fingertips, very much the same way he slid through his own. I could break through no longer.
Mala came to me then, with a strong hand on my shoulder. “There’s nothing else you can do now, Aurora. He doesn’t hear. You need to speak to Him. Ask Him to let you penetrate, because if not, I fear the worse. I feel what Nickolas is thinking. And he can’t break contract, Sunny. Because if he does, we’ll never see him again.” I gulped, nodding, and made my way to Him, ashamed that I could do no more.
Part 6
Spirit Guide
NinasFiction
NinasFeet
