Pro:
It is the end of yet another year...and what have I learned?
I have learned to say:
Wow. What a year. The most amazing things have happened: I was
chosen to be one of two Summer Admissions Fellows here at Mt.
Holyoke. 1 of 2! It truly is an honor. I feel as though all my
work has some meaning now, for someone else instead of just for
me. Somewhere along the way, I was able to do enough, be enough,
to impress others. I also won a Weed Research Fellowship; the
school is paying me to write and research my thesis project. How
wonderful is that? $3000 and all I have to do is do what I was
planning on doing all along: sit around and read great books and
write about them. Honestly, it doesn't get better than that. The
yearbook this year will be amazing, truly amazing. And
it only took a year. This book has part of my heart and soul,
part of me--I've worked too hard for it to be anything else.
I remember
every night when I climb into bed that I am blessed .
Absolutely blessed. My life has always been governed by someone
or something, for every life-changing moment brings only the best
news. This is why I work as hard as I do--because if someone or
something is working this hard to bring me some happiness I should
be so grateful as to work twice as hard to deserve it.
And most
of all, I'm almost done. I can feel it...something, finally, is
within my reach.
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Con:
It is the end of yet another year...and what have
I learned?
I have learned that nothing is certain, least of all myself. I
realized yesterday what this feeling was, this haunting feeling
that surrounds me. I figured it out. It is the feeling of me not
knowing myself. It is the feeling of un-knowledge. I knew myself
at 17, 18. I knew what I was, who I was, where I was going. At
age 21, I know less. I know none of these things. In 3, 4 years,
I have forgotten who I am. I lost myself. In all my blessedness,
I lost myself. That's what I learned this year--that things, the
most important, cherished things, can be lost, forgotten, misplaced,
displaced, broken, and scattered.
I
have learned that I never knew who I was or what I wanted or even
if I was meant to be here. I have learned that love is not enough.
In all my relationships, my friendships, my loves--love is not
enough. Trying, action, words--practicality--is needed. All parties
must try. In this year, I have learned that it is easy
to hope that love is enough and to trust it to breathe life into
a relationship. I have learned that people stop trying, people
forget the joy of actions and words--they are too busy, they have
enough to worry about, why worry about longtime friends or lovers?
Why worry about those you expect to stay with you forever? Because
maybe they won't be there when you have time for them, when you
finally turn around to say, "I haven't seen or talked to you in
forever!" Maybe, all you will find is empty air. Maybe, like me,
you will realize you are right back where you started--lonely,
cold, and surrounded by empty air.
I have learned that you must have passion for yourself, because
no one will have passion for you. People stop believing, the same
way they stop trying. People stop caring, the same way they stop
trying. Because they trust in love.
I have learned that I do not know what love is. And I have learned
that others do not know either.
The same way I have learned that I do know what I am or who I
am. Because I trust in some crazy, inexplicable, intangible feeling
to know it for me, to be it for me.
I have learned some things never change, and some things really
really do.
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