It’s the end of yet another year…and what have I learned? That is what I find myself asking…wondering if I’ve learned anything at all. And I desperately wish to know what you’ve learned…what have you gained from another year of life? Anything extraordinary? Anything worth the toil and trouble you’ve surely been through? Or do you find that you know as little now as you did when the year began? Do you suddenly realize that you are inevitably stuck in the same sick cycle?
I am stuck in a cycle…but I’m not sure which cycle it is. I must be in control, that is what I know. I need to have some power over my life because everything in it is too tumultuous. But this need for control leaves me battling with my emotions. I may seem cold and standoffish, but I feel perhaps more deeply than you. And this past year has been uncontrollable—my emotions have ruled me. And I am left standing in unknown territory—but in the same familiar place. Home has never felt so sad before, and yet I find myself a part of something where my role is unknown. I find myself a part of something ungoverned and rather spontaneous. And though I need my control, I am leaving things as they are and hoping that everything will be okay. And I do it for you, for what I hope we might be, for the simple chance to feel one day how I feel for you and not need to hide my emotions or stifle them or pretend they aren’t there. I find that is all I want—to hold you and openly feel everything I feel for you.
Ah, but I have rambled on a little too much perhaps. What I mean to say is this: This past year has not been easy—perhaps that is why I feel as tired as I do. But I have learned that the unpredictable does happen, that when you least expect it, what you had been wishing for all along comes true, that it matters not the means or the journey as long as it gets you where you need to be—and where you need to be may be very different from where you wish you were but, in the end, everything will be okay.
