12/25/00
12:33 am
I never really understood all the hype about Christmas. I’ve always just acted excited so that I wouldn’t spoil the “mood.” Don’t get me wrong, the music makes me happy...kinda. And the presents are nice—don’t think I don’t like them. But...there always seems to be something missing. It just never feels quite how it should. And by that, I mean, well, loving and caring and special. Christmas never feels like it’s anything incredibly special. And it doesn’t feel like anyone really loves me or cares either. I guess that’s because I just get lost in it all...
When the one day of the year that you should be the “star” (i.e. your birthday) I’m hardly remembered at all. Glossed over. Forgotten. Invisible. Always on the outside, barely able to look in. Maybe that’s why I feel as though I were a mistake; maybe that’s why I just never seem to feel loved; maybe that’s why I never felt special—celebrating my birth is secondary to the absolute joy of Christmas.
And who can outshine that? Who can scream enough, throw enough tantrums, cry enough to capture the attention of others? I just gave up a long time ago. Now I simply sit and watch as others pretend to be elated with unwanted gifts. And I am quiet and I want to cry but I sit still. I wait for someone to realize, perhaps to wish me a happy birthday, perhaps just to notice I’m alive. And I wait...and wait...and wait... Surrounded by my family, I am the only one to realize I am a year older and that nothing will change.
