Team Redline
Episode 004
By Philip Andrew Wesley
MSTED by
The Black Wyvern of Armorica
The (\/)ajin
The MultiMediocre Knight
NeoVid
Replica (Jonatan Streith)
DISCLAIMER: MST3K & the related characters are owned and copyrighted by Best Brains Inc. Pokemon is owned by... someone other than us, at least. All MSTiers (mentioned above) are copyrighted their respective owners and may not be used without permission. Some of the plushies mentioned are based off of characters owned by several other people who are not us. "Team Redline" is copyrighted by Philip Wesley, who can keep it for all I care. No insult towards the author was intended with this MST.
Onward to the riffing!
> Team Redline >
NeoVid: [high pitched] BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...
Replica: And that's the first team, 'Team Flatline'.
(\/): OK, then is this team the one you have to cut through to get to have the legal ability to do something?
MMK: Either that or it's just the team named after that special Technique you could in Chrono Trigger... you know, that one, with the fire, what was it called...
Wyvern: Redline?
MMK: [beaming] Exactly. Thanks.
> Episode: 004 >
(\/): So this is going to be a Star Wars remake?
NeoVid(evil voice): No, 004. I expect you to die.
> "Serve and protect." >
(\/): ...and hold and cherish and love...
NeoVid: ...and eat donuts.
Replica: Some things never change.
> Rated: PG-13
MMK(Rocco Rock): DO YOU THINK WE'RE AFRAID OF A LITTLE *BLOOD*?
> By Philip Andrew Wesley 1999 >
Replica: And would that be the number of times he's been cloned for poor writing?
NeoVid: No, it's his serial number. You see, there's a mad scientist who started making fanfic writing robots to destroy all the good points of anime series.
> Background Information: Justice is > determined by the view of the one that > applies it. What is right or wrong is > dictated by mass appeal;
NeoVid: And you know how often the masses are right about justice...
Wyvern: You have issues, right?
NeoVid: Duh.
> and not on the > base belief of a single individual. The > prevailing justice is the popular > justice.
MMK: The names of all justices have been changed to protect the innocent.
NeoVid: No justices were harmed in the making of this film.
Wyvern: But afterwards, we shot three of them down for sport.
(\/): And you still claim that you're a champion of justice with that statement, Wienerschnitzel?
Wyvern: Well, they're just justices, after all. They aren't anything important.
> Even if the prevailing, > popular justice is skewed and > corrupted.
Replica: And people wonder why I'm an anarchist.
NeoVid: You also? COOL!
(\/): Anarchy is fine so long as it is done in an orderly manner.
> Chapter One.
Wyvern: That's too many already.
> > "I'll tear your wings off!" Nine yelled
Wyvern: We've accidentally gone into a Star Trek Voyager fanfic, ladies and gentlemen.
ALL(blandly): Yaay.
> as he ran toward the scyther. He missed > and smacked into the wall.
(\/): Hey, this guy's as skilled as me...
> A little shaken,
NeoVid: But not stirred, of course.
> Nine got back up and shot swift
Replica(Swift): Augh! I'm shot!
> at the scyther. The swift connected.
NeoVid: And started downloading kitty porn.
(\/): THAT'S DISGUSTING! [thows can of SPAM at NeoVid]
NeoVid: [Catches the SPAM] Thanks. [opens it and eats some] Hmm. Needs arsenic.
(\/): [retches, a lot] Bleh, that's even worse.
> The scyther slashed at Nine and knocked > him into another tunnel in the sewer.
Wyvern: Wait. They're in a sewer?
Replica: That's what it said, clever boy.
NeoVid: That explains why everyone regards this fanfic as a huge pile o-
[Wyvern growls at NeoVid and he shuts up.]
> "Damn." Nine said as he picked himself > off of the floor. "That thing is > stronger than I am..." The scyther let > out a roar
(\/): Um, I thought they said "Scyther!" instead of roaring.
MMK(Scyther): Call my agent! They've completely miscast me!
> and started to fly toward > the tunnel that Nine was in. "I gotta
Replica(singing): Keep my sat-is-faction!
(\/)(singing): Accent-tuate the possitive...E-lemmm-monate the negative...
NeoVid(singing): Gotta, gotta catch em all...
> keep moving or that thing will catch > me..."
MMK(Nine): And then it will hold me, and hug me, and call me George...
> "So, you aren't going to talk.. are > you. Well, that's fine with me." The
Wyvern: So he's fighting the scyther to... get it to talk?
Replica: Never mind that it's only going to say "Scyther!" all the time.
NeoVid(Nine): Alright, you durn dirty Scyther, y'gonna spill the beans, see?
MMK(Scyther): I don't know nothin', man! I wasn't even *near* the place! I got my rights! Lemme go!
[NeoVid(Nine) stares suspiciously at MMK(Scyther).]
MMK(Scyther): I mean... uhh... Scyther! Scyther Scyther! Scyyy...
> interrogation officer said. "All I want > to know is who is running
Wyvern: The Marathon Man!
> this New Team > Rocket.. is that too much to ask?" The
(\/): Huh? How'd we get here?
Wyvern: Meanwhile, in *another* fanfic...
Replica: This isn't so much a "fanfic" as it is, oh, a "random stream of consciousness"...
NeoVid(Philip): Mwaaahaaahaaa! Bow before my incomprehensibility!
Wyvern: *blink* When did you get a vocabulary like that?
(\/): [straight faced] Since Barri gave him a dictionary after the first match, so that he could understand what you Rastafarians said...
> prisoner just glared at him and said.
Wyvern: What he said is unimportant. He said. He *said*. And that's enough.
> "I am a Staff Sergeant, 1245-67 E3; and
MMK(The Prisoner): I am not a number! I AM NOT A NUMBER! I AM A FREE MAN!
> my name is Finnian Harris."
Replica: I thought I killed him?
(\/): When did you meet THIS guy? Former boyfriend perhaps?
> "Oh, come > on.. stop with that name, rank, serial > number garbage. You don't seem to > realize
NeoVid: That the New Kids On The Block are long gone.
(\/)(Harris): They are?! NOOOOOOO!
> that you are going to jail for > a looooong time. Remember that you > could plea bargain if you co-operate." > The prisoner looked confident and just > smirked.
NeoVid: He had packed a tube of vaseline.
(\/): Wha?
Wyvern: [facepalms] Voice beneath the Earth... [spits on the ground before NeoVid]
NeoVid: Huh? What did--[barbed tentacles shoot up and drag him out of his seat] This... is kinda unpleasant...
MMK: Quality entertainment.
(\/): I'm guessing I don't want to know...-_-
> The interrogation officer > picked up a glass of water and waved it > in the air for a little while.
Replica: This is no time for parlor tricks!
MMK(officer): Okay, now if I hold it to the light at the right angle, we should see a rainbow underneath it! Do you see it yet? Now? Now?
NeoVid(prisoner): I think you really need a girlfriend, dude.
> Then he > threw it in the prisoners face. "So... > you want me to get rough on you?"
NeoVid(Prisoner): Yes, Mistress! Whip me! Beat me! I've been a very bad member of New Team Rocket!
Replica(officer): Get the chains, the rack, and the strawberry jam!
NeoVid(prisoner): Huh huh huh... ^_^
Replica: [rolls eyes] Oh, PLEASE. [clouts NeoVid with a Turn Left sign]
(\/): Thank you. That saved me the effort of doing that myself.
[MMK investigates NeoVid]
MMK: Nope, it didn't work. He turned to the right.
[Replica clonks MMK with the Turn Left sign.]
> The > interrogator picked up a magazine, > rolled it into a tube and hit the > prisoner across the face with it.
(\/): You know a wet noodle'd work so much better.
Replica: Talking about yourself?
(\/): [fuming] You. Me. Outside after the fic's over, fight until one falls.
Replica: Anytime, *jobber*.
> "Should I beat the answers out of you! > Or are you going to tell me?" The > prisoner just stared at him blankly.
Replica: Because unbeknowst to anyone, the water in the glass had been replaced with water from the Styx.
(\/): Actually, Barri says it's not that bad for you...
[Everyone looks at (\/)]
(\/): Whaaat?!!!
> "Hmmph. I don't need a stupid wuss like > you
Replica: That's what I told my old boyfriend.
NeoVid: ...when did you say that?
Replica: Years ago. [pause] Why do you ask?
> to find out.. I already know.. I > just want you to confirm it." The > prisoner started to twitch a little, > nervously.
NeoVid(prisoner): Are... are you sure... you've got enough lubric- OW!!
[(\/)ajin puts away Zero Hour]
> "There.. now you're breaking > down.. good." The prisoner looked at > his interrogator and then started to > chew on something. "What are you > doing..." Then the prisoner bit down > hard on what he was chewing and fell > back. "Damn. He's dead. Chlorophyl and > Arsenic tablets.." >
MMK(officer): Why does EVERYONE I talk to DO that? Why why WHY?
(\/): [sings in Irish accent] Whack fol me da, dance to your partner... Whirl the floor, your trotters shake;... Wasn't it the truth I told you... Lots of fun at Finnian's wake!
> Matt sat back in the chair in his > office and sifted through some paper > work.
Wyvern: Meanwhile, in yet ANOTHER fanfic...
> He shuffled some of the papers
Replica: He's playing cards. Why am I not surprised?
(\/): Hey, look! He's Playing the Fate Game!
MMK: Either that or planning an Arcana ritual!
NeoVid: I hope he knows what he's doing. There's some High Stakes riding on this!
Wyvern: Guys...
> into the wastebasket next to the desk > and then he opened a drawer and placed > the remaining papers inside it. He then > reached into the drawer and pulled down > a hidden rack from the inside of the > drawers cabinet.
Wyvern(Matt): Nothing up my sleeve... PRESTO! A hidden rack!
[ALL ooh and aah.]
NeoVid: Nice hidden rack!
Wyvern: Is someone going to hurt him for that?
(\/): Thanks for reminding me. [cleaves NeoVid down the middle (though not in half) with Zero Hour] And don't do it again. [puts Zero Hour away again]
> He pulled out a large > red book with a few papers hanging out > of it. "Hmm." Matt thought. "I have off > from work tonight..
Replica: Gee, poor guy. His inner monologue doesn't speak English very well.
NeoVid(Matt): My inner monolge was write by Thinker!
> I wonder who's > available tonight." Matt shifted
(\/): So he has a big red book instead of a little black one? How many girls does he have in there?! And why is it RED?!
MMK: Better red than dead, I guess. Do you *always* get upset over minor details, Mr. Plumber?
(\/): As a matter of fact, yes I d-AND NO MORE MARIO REFERENCES!
> through the names and pictures. "Hmm. > She got married last month.. I might as > well scratch that one off.
(\/): Yeah, cause polygamy is bad and stuff.
NeoVid: Only if you can't have it.
MMK(Matt): [mimics dialing on a phone] Hi! Wanna go out and paint the town red tonight?
Replica(woman): Don't be silly, I just got married.
MMK(Matt): My condolences... I mean, that's nice to hear! So, not tonight, then?
Replica(woman): Call me next week, okay?
(\/): I'd think she'd be more devoted than that.
Replica: Just keep telling yourself that.
MMK: I second that.
[Replica GLARES at MMK.]
MMK(^_^ing): Or... not.
> She's dating > that guy in CDO;
(\/): CDO, the makers of the award losing game "Peons of Mysticism andStrength."
> not like that would > matter though. Hmm. This one looks like > a good prospect.
NeoVid: Hey... that's a pic of you, Reppi-chan!
Replica: And since when wasn't I allowed to date?
> Matt picked up the > phone on his desk and dialed a number > only to get a busy signal. "Hmm."
Replica: Silly boy. You think I gave you my real number? [grins]
(\/): Why wouldn't you?
Replica: [groans and facepalms] You really are naive, aren't you?
(\/): [grins] And proud of it.
> He > set down the phone and it rang. Matt > pushed the Line Button down and lifted > the receiver. "Hello?" "Matt." The
MMK(Matt): No, I'm Matt! Who are you?
> voice on the other line said. "Please > report to the main office."
(\/): [voice on the other line] Your daughter is waiting.
NeoVid: [voice on the other line] Not so fast, Matt. Turn on your TV.
> Chapter Two. > > The Scyther roared as it flew into the
(\/)(Bartock): And we're back to the roaring...
> sewer tunnel. "Hmm." Nine thought. "How > am I going to outrun the thing... it's > faster than I am." Nine looked around
(\/): Ok, it's faster than him and stronger than him. Who wants to bet that it's smarter than him too?
Wyvern: Never mind that, who IS he?
Replica: [musing] Probably not related to First... maybe Second. That guy was a bastard...
(\/): Huh? What?
NeoVid: No, he's the one after Eight. They didn't have to add One, since the species is asexual...
(\/): Um, still confused here.
NeoVid: I read the rest of the series. Pray for me.
> and noticed some light shining through > a manhole cover into the tunnel he was > in. "Hell, I don't want to stay down > here with that bug.." Nine leaped up > and burst through the Manhole cover. A
(\/): It's not just any manhole, its "the Manhole" a super hero from the sewers.
NeoVid: Oh, right! "The Manhole," who led the way for all the gay superhe- OW!
(\/): I said QUIT IT!!!!!!! I'll be keeping my sword out from now on.
> car swerved out of the way to avoid > hitting him and crashed into a mailbox > on the side of the intersection. "Damn > it; I'm in some type of commerce > district." Nine heard a shrill noise
MMK: Ack! It's Amelia!
(\/)(Amelia): You have been hunting these peaceful animals for long enough. Now you must pay for your crimes in the name of truth and justice and blah, blah, blah, blah BLAH blah...
> and turned around just in time to catch > the Scyther's Quick Attack full force. > Nine flew backwards and hit a wall. The
(\/): Walls must be magnetic... but Steel type pokemon haven't appeared yet... unless of course the pokemon were cybernetically enhanced... or perhaps it's a robot that looks like one... [continues rambling on along these lines, until MMK thwaps him and he shuts up]
> Scyther roared triumphantly as the > people in the area started to run for > cover.
MMK(Scyther): C'mon, you fatties! I'll whoop each and every one of you! 'Cause I'm the greatest! Somebody call my momma 'fore I WHOOP everybody in here!
> Nine got back on his feet and > started tossing Swift at the Scyther.
(\/): OK, question. What is a swift?
Replica: A world-famous author from the 17th-18th century. Why the poor dead guy is used as a blunt instrument here is beyond me.
(\/): Oh good, I was afraid he was refering to a really bad type of joke/pun.
MMK: Nonsense. Then it'd be me in there.
Wyvern: You're an announcer.
MMK(^_^ing): Exactly.
> He hit the Scyther out of the air and > onto the ground. Suddenly the Scyther
MMK: Started doing the Macarena.
Wyvern: Mention Macarena again and I'll rip you into little pieces.
MMK: Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. See?
[MMK proudly shows off his "I Have Been Ripped Into Little Pieces For Mentioning The Macarena" t-shirt.]
NeoVid: [singing] Oyyyyy... Macadamia! Nuts!
> disappeared. Nine quickly threw his > arms out and created a Barrier. "Just > in time." Nine thought as the Scythers > slash attack bounced off the Barrier. > Nine concentrated on the Scyther that > was slashing away at his Barrier. > "DISABLE!!" Nine yelled. The Scyther > looked confused for a second and > stopped slashing. "Ha! I have rendered > your Slash inoperable!"
NeoVid: [bad dub voice, complete with out-of-sync lip movements] Your Slash is useless against me. Ha! Ha ha! My Kung Fu is greater than yours.
> Nine released > the Barrier and started to use Swift to > push the Scyther back and through the > window of one of the stores. >
(\/)(shop keeper): You're going to have to pay for that window.
Wyvern: And where did he get another Swift?
> The Scyther landed with a large crash > into a store display of multi-colored > spheres. The Scyther flinched as Nine > landed in front of it. "Ha. Pitiful > creature. Now.. you die!" Nine held his > paw
(\/): What? This guy isn't human?
Replica: Surprised?
(\/): Well, um, yeah. I mean, seeing as how they didn't bother to *tell* us he wasn't human and expected us to automatically *know*, I-
MMK: Hee hee! You know who you sound just like? You sound *just* like this guy I know seconds before he went into a coma for thinking about the story too much!
[ALL bigsweat, except for Replica, who just looks bored.]
(\/): Aah...But in my case I do this to keep that from happening to me.
> out in front of the Scyther and > started to concentrate. The Scyther > started convulsing and twitching as
Replica: Looks like the poke-bug got seizures.
MMK(Scyther): Oh, I shouldn't have had those burritos...
Nine slowly closed his hand.
NeoVid: ...On the Scyther's- OW!
> The > Scyther suddenly became very still.
(\/): [shocked] No...YOU KILLED IT!
> Nine stopped using his Psychic move and > walked up to the fallen Scyther. He > kicked it and crossed his arms. "Stupid > bug."
NeoVid(singing): Aaaaaah-ahh!
MMK(singing): Stupid bug...
NeoVid(singing): Aaaaaah-ahh!
MMK(singing): All you had, you wasted... all you had, you wasted...
> Nine turned around to fly away > and then felt his body fly toward the > ground. Hard. "Unngh..." Nine forgot > the Scyther had Quick Attack.
Wyvern: Despite the fact that the Scyther used it the LAST time it scored a hit on him.
Replica: Perhaps "Nine" corresponds to his IQ.
> The > Scyther was roaring and sounding off > its call of victory. Nine's fingers > trembled as he reached for one of the > spheres.
Replica: Typical male reaction.
NeoVid: But... Nine's asexual... it was called 'it' before... must not riff riffs...
> Nine threw the sphere at the > Scyther. A flash of red light filled > the room.
Replica: A lot of short sentences were stacked on each other.
NeoVid: The story was getting disjointed.
Wyvern: My head started to hurt.
> "I hope that hurt it." Nine > thought to himself. The sphere landed > on the ground with a thud and started > twitching. Nine looked at the sphere > and then got on his feet again and > looked for the Scyther.
Wyvern: Boy, Nine's a *dumb* one, isn't he?
MMK(Nine): Hello? Evil thing trying to kill me? Are you out there? Helloooooo?
> The ball > stopped twitching and made a small bell
(\/): I think my ears are ringing.
Replica: Nine liked the bell and tied it around his neck.
> noise. Then a synthetic voice said. > "Pokémon Captured. You caught a Scyther > Pokémon." Nine picked up the ball and
(\/): Wow, a combination Pokeball and Pokedex, who'd a thunk?
> glared at it. "Hmm... I guess I could > use an ally. Maybe."
NeoVid(Nine): Sure, I think it's a stupid bug, and I tried to kill it, and it probably isn't too terribly fond of me, but what the hell? Let's be friends!
(\/): Hey, don't knock it till you've tried it.
> Nine looked at the > Pokéball. "Hmm. Maybe not." He dropped > the Pokéball and started to focus on > it.
Replica(Nine): The Pokéball is the key to inner peace. Ohmmm...
> Nine lifted the Pokéball into the > air with Psychic and started spinning > it. "To Hell with you Scyther."
MMK: When Hell is full, this Scyther shall walk the earth.
NeoVid: You mean...?
MMK: Yes! It will have been... To Hell And Back!
[Wyvern and Replica beat MMK unconscious.]
Wyvern: That's enough out of *you*.
> The > Pokéball started spinning faster and > faster and then slammed into the ground > and broke open. The force of the blow > released the Scyther with such force > that it split the Pokémon in two as it
(\/): You have a chance to offset your weaknesses and you just blow it up? Why?
Replica: [rolls her eyes] Villain standards. When you are a villain, you have to do these things just to show how evil you are. Stupid, really.
(\/): Since when has this been the standard? I've never heard of Mare doing this...
Replica: I can't speak for your friend...
(\/): [trying to stay calm] Mare. Is not. My. Friend. He is the bane of all honest Sleepers' existance. NEVER make that mistake again.
Replica: ...
> appeared. Spraying guts and pieces of > the Scyther's exoskeleton everywhere.
(\/): [covers eyes] Ew, ew. Gross.
NeoVid: Hey, it's like one of your matches, 'Vern!
> Nine walked over and picked up one of > the Scyther's wings.
NeoVid: Tastier than Buffalo Wings.
(\/): You'd know, wouldn't you.
> "Ha." Nine snapped > the wing in half with his paws and > teleported away. >
(\/): I don't get it.
NeoVid: Some psycopaths can tell a joke, and some can't. Right, 'Vern?
[Wyvern grumbles.]
(\/): No, that's not what I don't get. I mean, why snap the wing in half when the thing's been obliterated? What's the point?
Replica: You're a Clueless, aren't you?
(\/): What the hell is a "Clueless?"
> "Do you see that?"
NeoVid(Man #2): I'm blind, you idiot.
> "Yes, sir." "That is > the Mewtwo that you let get away.
(\/)(Man #1): I'm telling you, you two could have been married a *long* time ago...
> The > footage from the Mall cameras shows it > fighting a Scyther. It seems to speak
Replica: French, Russian and Portugese, and claims to have designed 3/4ths of all the lighthouses in the world.
> english and seems very dangerous." > "Well, yes, it is dangerous sir; it
NeoVid: Can do the Macarena!
Wyvern: The horror!
> just got away before. I could try and > catch it again.." "No. I want you to > kill the bastard."
Wyvern(Chief): Screw procedure! Screw questioning! Screw trying to find out its motives and origin! WE WANT BLOOD!
> "Yes, sir." "But not > right now, Matthew.
NeoVid(Matt): Aww... now you got me all worked up for nothing...
> As you may know;
Replica: New Whizzo Butter is virtually indistinguishable from a dead chocobo.
NeoVid: There ain't no sex in R'yleth.
Wyvern: Everyone wants to see that Mewtwo paint the street with your guts.
(\/): I am the very model of a modern major general.
MMK: EarthBound 64 is *still* not out yet.
(\/): And we all feel *so*, *so* bad for you.
MMK: Don't make me come over there.
> one of the Team Rocket people that you > arrested in the smuggling operation is > now dead.
MMK(Matt): But boss! I TOLD you to be careful when you wanted to borrow him!
NeoVid(Chief): It... it was an accident! I... oh, okay. I forgot to feed him for a week. You happy now?
MMK(Matt): I just can't believe you! Can't you be expected to take responsibility for ONE freaking prisoner? I'm very upset. No TV for a week.
NeoVid(Chief): Aww, damn.
> He committed suicide with a > capsule
NeoVid: ...Provided by Feng.
> he had hidden inside a fake > tooth. But the other one gets shipped
(\/): The other tooth?
Replica: Maybe this is the real one. It's probably a highly important plot point, people.
NeoVid: Given who the author is, anything's possible.
> off to Brunswick Fair in Saffron later
MMK: They're packing him in saffron before shipping him? Won't that be expensive?
> today. Brunswick Fair is a Level 2
Replica: Charmander?
> Security prison
Replica: Oh.
> where most of the other > Team Rocket members have been sent.
Wyvern: It was their 'Graceland'.
> I need for you to accompany the prisoner > to the prison.
(ALL snicker.)
(\/): Yeah, good thing they're taking him *there*. I was worried they'd take him to the circus or something.
MMK(Chief): My doctor told me I'm redundant, which means I needlessly repeat myself, which is what the doctor said when he told me I'm redundant, because I needlessly repeat myself, because I'm redundant.
> We have had some recent > instances where Team Rocket members > have broken
Wyvern(boss): ...Their limbs and spines. We need to get the budget for seatbelts in our prison buses one day...
> free during the > transportation to the prison." "You > need me to stave off
NeoVid(boss): Eeeewww! If there's one thing I need, it's to NOT see you stave off!
> any attempts to > free the prisoner?" "Yes." "Can I take > my Mew?" "You only need a gun..." "But > I want to take my Mew."
NeoVid(Matt): ...Right here on the floor!
[Replica smashes his head in with a sign reading 'pool of drowned accountant']
> "Okay, take > your goddamn mew."
MMK(Cid): Sit down, shut up and take your goddamn Mew!
> The saw slipped
Wyvern: And severed his hand. Blood spewed everywhere.
> slowly over the barrel > of the gun. The silent figure slipped > the saw through one more time and the > barrel of the gun fell to the floor.
NeoVid: That's the worst scene I ever saw!
Wyvern: That's the worst saw I ever seen!
NeoVid: A ref to one of MY MSTs! I've always hoped for that! [Hugs the Wyvern]
Wyvern: Urk...
> The figure then strapped the gun up on > to his back.
NeoVid: So... he has a strap-on weapon?
MMK: 'Strapping young lad seeks company of young woman who wants to be strapped'.
> "I wonder.. if I will be > needing this.." The figure unstrapped > the gun for a moment and then placed it > back on the table.
NeoVid(guy): I just spent an hour sawing it off and preparing and all, but on second thought... let's just leave it here.
> The figure then > slipped on a helmet
Wyvern(figure): Whoops! (thud)
> and a glove with a > seven inch railroad spike strapped on
Replica: [sarcastic] So he's got a big lump of metal tied to his hand. Oooh, I'm *so* intimidated.
MMK: You know what's scary? Someone who doesn't know he's got a railroad spike *through* his hand. Like Gavok did last week.
> it. The figure then slipped on a teflon
Wyvern: Pan and broke his neck. The end.
> jacket
Wyvern: ...Yeah... wearing Teflon instead of Kevlar is very popular with terrorists these days.
MMK(figure): The bullets go right through me without sticking! Less mess!
> with an "R" on it that was > crossed out by smears of blood.
Replica: Truly, the sheer excitement level of this fic is sending me into hyperactive boredom. NeoVid, I'll have to kill you later.
NeoVid: Awww... the ultraviolence wasn't interesting?
> "Someone must avenge them."
MMK: And that someone is Brutus Fitzgerald Thompson, accountant superhero!
> The figure > whispered to itself as it picked up the > handle of a Ruger Mk II.
(\/): Talking to yourself isn't healthy.
MMK: But sometimes it's the only way to get a decent conversation.
[The MMK Doll peeks out of MMK's sleeve.]
MMK Doll: .......
MMK: Yes, of course I can have decent conversations with you too. That wasn't the point.
(\/): Talking to dolls isn't healthy either...
> Chapter Three.
Wyvern: At this rate, we'll *never* make it to Chapter 11...
> "So.. why did you join Team Rocket?"
NeoVid(TR Prisoner): Because I heard that Jessie was great in bed. Hubba hubba.
[(\/)ajin clobbers him several times with the flat of his blade.]
> Matt asked the young prisoner. "Aw, > Hell with that. You can tell me;
(\/)(Matt): After all, we've known each other for long enough, haven't we?
> I'm > not your warden;
MMK(singing): Maybe that's alright...
> I'm just along for the > ride.
MMK(singing): I'm like a chump.
NeoVid(singing): Heyyy...
MMK(singing): Like a chump.
NeoVid(singing): Heyyy...
MMK(singing): Like a chump.
Replica: I'd suggest not singing for a while, boys.
MMK: Oh, come on, Reppy! Sing with me!
(Replica grabs MMK by the throat and tosses him into the wall.)
Replica: No.
> So, go on. Why did you join?" > "The prisoner just smirked a little.
Wyvern: Who said that?
Replica: Thank you, anonymous voice!
> "Money?
MMK(singing): MONAYEEE!
[Replica clubs him with the Turn Left sign. MMK obligingly turns left before falling down.]
> Is that why you joined? Money > is the undoing of many people.
Replica: And despite that, just about every single advanced culture in existance has monetary concepts. Think about it.
NeoVid: Mine doesn't.
Replica: Your culture doesn't think?
> I'll bet > your momma is sick with worry now; you > basically screwed your future for > money."
NeoVid(TR Prisoner): And a romp in the hay with Jessie. Rrrowl.
(\/): [growls, wields Zero Hour] Once wasn't enough?
Replica: Allow me. [Replica glows black for a few seconds, and NeoVid shatters horribly, an effect much like an image in a breaking mirror.]
NeoVid: Ack.
Wyvern: Impressive.
Replica: Thank you.
> The prisoner looked away from > Matt and looked
MMK: At Jeff.
> out of the window.
MMK: Knowing Jeff, that's probably correct.
Wyvern: What *are* you talking about?
NeoVid: MMK, may I?
MMK: But of course.
NeoVid: *ahem* Sore wa hi-
[Zero Hour.]
(\/): Don't *do* that.
MMK: [sweatdropping] Well... you asked, Envy...
> "What the Hell do you care." The > prisoner said.
(\/): Neat how he can capitalize his speech like that.
NeoVid: Maybe he's the One.
Replica: No, the One uses the [Brackets] of [Power].
NeoVid: I think your author is making refs.
Replica: [looks confused] Author?
> "Well, I don't give
NeoVid(prisoner): ...any more blood until you pay me! I've only got a quarter pint left!
> a damn about you; I was trying to make a > conversation with you."
(\/)(Prisoner): Well... you aren't my type.
> The prisoner > looked down
Wyvern(Prisoner): Whadda ya know... I'm not wearing any pants.
> at the shackles on his > feet. "You know... they will rescue > me."
Wyvern(prisoner): They will take me away to the mothership... whhhooooo....
> "Sure they will." "They told me > they would; they care about me." "Hell > with that. Team Rocket only cares about > money; you are
(\/)(Matt): ...Going to be made into spam.
NeoVid, MMK (singing): Spam, spam, spam, spam...
Replica: Anybody up for some Soylent Green?
ALL: SURE!
> expendable to them." The > prisoner looked at Matt bitterly. "Hell > what you know! You don't know them.
Wyvern: Who's talking right now?
MMK: Beats me. They lost me around "Hell with that".
NeoVid: I made it to "They will rescue me".
(\/): I'm still on the capitalized "Hell".
Replica: *I* have no troubles.
> They'll come and rescue me; you'll > see!" Matt looked out the window of the > van.
MMK(Matt): Oh, hey, *there* they are. Guess you were right, man.
> "I didn't join for the money... I > joined because I wanted to see all of
(\/): Don't. You. Dare. 'Vidders.
NeoVid: [sighs] Okay, Mario.
> the Pokémon of the world. I wanted to > see them all; go places.
ALL: o/~ I want to be the very best, like no one ever was... ~\o
> I was stuck in > some back waste town...
MMK: Eeeew! Back waste!
NeoVid: That's the worst kind.
[Replica smashes their heads together.]
Wyvern: Ugh. *Thank* you.
> I wanted to see > the world. Take it all in."
Replica: In that case, my friend, get a big bag.
> "And so you > took up a job poaching? That makes no > sense."
Wyvern: Even the characters realize it...
MMK(Thomas Wilde): It's a trap. Get the axe.
[ALL stare at MMK.]
MMK(^_^ing): ...oh, forget it.
> "Hell, I do what I do to > survive. I gotta make the money
NeoVid(Prisoner): ...with the help of some magic markers and a piece of cardboard.
> somehow." The car stopped with a harsh
(\/): ...Review from disappointed MSTers.
> screech. "Why did we stop?" Matt said. > The driver got out and opened the door. > "Okay, Matt. This is where you get
Wyvern(driver): ...Killed so this will end before any more readers have to gut themselves.
> out." "Huh?"
Replica(driver): I said "Okay, Matt. This is-"
Wyvern(Matt): Alright, alright! I heard you the first time.
Replica(driver): Yeah, whatever. Out.
Wyvern(Matt): Now, that was nowhere *near* five dollars' worth of ga-
Replica(driver): OUT!
Wyvern(Matt): Okay! Geez!
> The driver reached into > his pocket and pulled out a small PPK
NeoVid: Fun fact: those are women's guns. That's why James Bond stopped using them.
> and a hat with a red R on it.
MMK: But the silly bastard tried shooting the agent with the hat.
Replica(Driver): Fear me and my railhat!
> Matt > dropped his gun. "Put down the Pokéball > too." Matt took the Pokéball out of his > pocket
NeoVid(driver): Now the other ball in your pocket.
(\/)(driver): Put your left foot in.
Wyvern(driver): Take your left foot out.
Replica(driver): Put your right foot in and shake it all about.
> and placed it down on the > ground.
MMK(singing): BRING-ing me, BRING-ing me down, down, into the ground...
> "Good. I'll take care of the > prisoner now."
Replica (Jules): [pantomimes holding a gun to her head] Take care of the prisoner?
MMK (Vince): No, no. Take off his shackles; drive off with him.
NeoVid: Ladies and gentlemen, the 'Pulp Fiction' scene.
> The driver took off the > handcuffs and shackles on the prisoner.
NeoVid(prisoner): Noooo! I love those shackles!
> "See. I told you they would rescue me."
(\/)(prisoner): Nyah nyah. Thhbhhhhthhbhthhht.
> Suddenly the driver collapsed to the > ground and blood began to seep into the > dirt.
MMK(driver): My KEYS! I FELL on my KEYS! OW OW OW OW OW!
> Another shot rang out and hit the > prisoner in the back of the head.
Wyvern(prisoner): Thank you! *thud*
> Matt > looked quickly and saw a figure in a > cape quickly start running from the > scene.
Wyvern: Superman has snapped at last.
> Matt grabbed the Pokéball, and let his > Mew out;
NeoVid(Matt): Ahhhhh... I needed that...
[Replica glares at NeoVid.]
NeoVid: [maniac smile] ...sorry, mistress.
Replica: Not sorry enough. [grabs NeoVid over the neck and shoves his head right through his own seat, which fuses back around him.]
(\/): My god. I had no idea your back could bend like that.
NeoVid: [from under the seat] It can't. Hey, this was kinda fun...
> then grabbed the PPK and his > own gun, a Calico M-950. He started to > chase after the capped figure.
MMK: So he has a cape and a cap. It's...
[Dramatic pause]
MMK: SUPER DRINKING BUDDY!
[The rest just STARE at MMK]
NeoVid: No, wait... it's MIDDLE AGED MAN!
> The > capped figure
ALL(singing): BUG-sy Ma-LONE...
> was running toward a > motorcycle. Matt shot at the capped > assassins leg
(\/): If the assassin's already been capped, why shoot him again?
Replica(Matt, insane): You shall be buried where you fall!
Wyvern(assassin): But... why?!
Replica(Matt): You'll be so full of lead we won't be able to move you!
> and hit him in the foot.
MMK(Matt): Aww. Crap! I suck.
Replica: Matt has *the* worst aim in the world, ladies and gentlemen.
> The fleeing figure stumbled to the > ground. "Who are you?" Matt yelled. "I > am the Retribution!"
NeoVid(Retribution): In fact, I am the *Spanish* Retribution!
(\/)(Matt): Well, I certainly wasn't expecting the *Spanish* Retr-
NeoVid(Retribution): NOOOOOOOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH RETRIBUTION!
Wyvern: So, wait. Did *Matt* just call himself the Retribution?
MMK(Matt): I am the Retribution!
Replica(Yoi): I am Chaos.
MMK(Matt): I fold.
NeoVid: And THIS is the Neo Retribution!! [puts MMK in a half crab/hammerlock]
MMK: I quit! I quit!
> The figure yelled. > Matt yelled out.
Replica: Then I yelled.
NeoVid: Me too.
Wyvern: Same here.
(\/): Yep.
MMK: I fold.
> "Mew! Ice Beam!". The
MMK(Mew): Ice cream?! Where?!
> capped figure rolled out of the way of > the Ice Beam and shot at Matt. Matt > dodged out of the way and shot back at > the attacker.
Replica: Oh, gee. This is *exciting*.
NeoVid: Exciting. Yeah. Whee.
MMK: This makes "Mitchell" look like "Face/Off".
Wyvern: And while they shoot at each other, the Mew... just STANDS THERE.
> It was too late. The > attacker had gotten to his motorcycle.
Replica: No! Not the motorcycle! Anything but the motorcycle! [snickers]
> The motorcycle roared to life
MMK(motorcycle): ROAR!
[MMK gets up and walks around the theater, waving his arms.]
> as the > attacker rode off. Mew landed beside > Matt.
NeoVid(Mew): Matt, dude, he beat your ass.
(\/)(Matt): Where were you? You were supposed to be helping me!
NeoVid(Mew): Well... it... I saw something shiny. You know how I- OOOO! SHINY!
> Matt fired at the vehicle; but it > got away.
Replica: Gee, that was *thrilling*. Boy, my heart was in my *throat* during that exciting scene. Phew! I need to lie down. Really.
> Matt walked back to the van > and picked up the vans CB.
MMK(Matt): Let's see, I press this button, and I talk into this... man, I'm dull. MacGyver could have caught that guy with this thing by now... *sigh* I hate my life...
> "Sir.. I > think we have something to worry about > besides Nine...
(\/)(Matt): Like Eight, and Seven, and...
NeoVid: And taxes.
Replica: Don't forget male-pattern baldness.
MMK: And the fish from space.
> oh.. send an ambulance > as well.
Replica(CB): So you want me to... call you an ambulance?
MMK(Matt): This *really* isn't the time fo-
Replica(CB): Do you? Do you?
MMK(Matt): *sigh*
Replica(CB): Say it!
MMK(Matt): I... want you... to c-
Replica(CB): YOU'RE AN AMBULANCE! WAAAAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH!
MMK(Matt): *sigh*
Replica(CB): WAAAAAAAAAAAH HAH HAH HAH HAH! WAAAAAAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH!
MMK(Matt): God, I wish I were MacGuyver.
> I think one of these guys may > be still alive; well, barely." "Mew?"
(\/)(Matt): Oh, yeah. And Mew wants a cookie.
> The mew landed on Matt's shoulder. Matt > looked at the bodies of the two Rocket > members.
Wyvern(Matt): Oh, *yuck*. Mew, do you *have* to chew on them?
> "Scratch that... send me a > unit to remove the bodies...
Wyvern(Matt): Mew couldn't wait for his cookie.
Replica(CB): Oh, *yuck*.
> we have a > vigilante on the loose."
MMK(Matt): I really think you should go get him.
Replica(CB): Catching terrorists is *your* job, Matt. And there's still a lot more of them out there.
MMK(Matt): Yeah, I know.
Replica(CB): And they're *your* responsibility.
MMK(Matt): So I've gotta... I...
Replica(CB): Say it! Say it!
MMK(Matt): I've gotta... oh, God... I've gotta catch...
> The End.
(\/): The only end, my friends.
> (For now.)
(\/): Or... forget I said anything.
> Copyright Dmg Ice 1999
NeoVid(singing): Ice! Ice! BABY!
[MMK does an extremely white dance.]
> www.dmgice.com
Wyvern: And he can keep it for all I care.
NeoVid: Sooo... what'd you think of the fic?
(\/): It ended. That was the best part.
Replica: The entire thing was an utter waste of valuble time.
MMK: I know! Isn't it great?
Wyvern: Needed more plushies.
NeoVid: ...There's a scary thought. Team Redline getting popular enough to have a toy line. I can imagine it now...
NeoVid (V.O.): The Matt's Mew Inaction Figure! It doesn't do anything as all kinds of disasters happen around it!
[NeoVid sets down a stuffed Mew. It... sits there.]
MMK (V.O.): The Spanish Retribution Inaction Figure! Watch it brood and occasionally kill Rockets!
[MMK sets down a caped (capped?) plushie. It sits there and looks ominous.]
Replica (V.O.): The Prisoner Finnian Inaction Figure! Tickle its stomach and it commits suicide!
[Replica sets down another plushie, which just sits there with glazed eyes.]
(\/) (V.O.): The Disposable Pokemon Inaction Figure! Watch it get killed in a thoroughly freakish fashion!
[(\/) sets down a small Scyther figurine. It promptly explodes in a spray of guts and exoskeleton.]
(\/): Erk. I meant for that to happen.
Wyvern: And none of them compare to MY PLUSHIE COLLECTION!
[Wyvern snaps its fingers. Suddenly, dozens of violent manga plushies... along with a bunch of random ones... fall down from the rafters.]
[SHINJI PLUSHIE administers the Point Blank [D_O_I_N_K] To the Head to the MMK DOLL. The MMK DOLL falls over and the SHINJI PLUSHIE bounches onto the carpet.]
MMK DOLL: ... ("Ow! My head hurts! o_O"}
SHINJI PLUSHIE: ... ("F*&^ you, bitch. Where's my guns?")
BARNEY DOLL: ... ("I love you, Shinji!")
SHINJI PLUSHIE: ... ("AIYEEE!! GET IT [AWAY]!!")
GAIA PLUSHIE: ... ("I'll save you, Shinji! Just...wait until I can get my stubby stuffed legs to move!")
MMK DOLL: ... ("Hee hee! o/~ Barney and Shinji, sittin' in a tree...o/~")
SHINJI PLUSHIE: ... ("Omae o kurosu.")
HEERO DOLL: ... ("..." ~Nobody steals my lines. I will destroy you now.~)
YUUSUKE PLUSHIE: ... ("..." ~Hey, I'm the only one around here who gets to talk in ellipses. Get your own damn schtick.~)
HEERO DOLL: ... ("..." ~Hey, wait a minute... Shinji's Chinese! What's he doing using my line??~)
SHINJI PLUSHIE: ... ("Barney, stop undressing me with your eyes! SUSAN CHING, BARNEY'S BEING PERVERTED!! MAKE HIM STOP!!")
YUUSUKE PLUSHIE: ... ("..." ~Huh. You're right. Obviously, he's an impostor.~)
[Suddenly, the YUUSUKE PLUSHIE creates a miniature black hole in front of the SHINJI PLUSHIE, sucking its little rubber mask into oblivion. This reveals it to be...]
FULL CAST: ... ("GASP! It's an Akira Shinjuni Plushie!!")
AKIRA PLUSHIE: ... ("Dammit! All I wanted was to be accepted! I hate all of you guys!")
BARNEY DOLL: ... ("I still love you, Akira!")
AKIRA PLUSHIE: ... ("*sniffle* I...I love you too, Barney! Hold me!")
YUUSUKE PLUSHIE: ... ("..." ~Eeeew.~)
RETRIBUTION PLUSHIE: ... (A member of Team Rocket. He must atone for his sins...)
FINNIAN PLUSHIE: ... [Just sits with button eyes that are slightly more glazed than usual.]
[Matt's Mew just sits there.]
NEOVID: Hey, 'Vern! Your fake Shinji Plushie is making out with a Barney Doll!
Wyvern: Hm? My Shinji Plushie has been sitting here on the arm of my chair the whole time.
SHINJI PLUSHIE: ... ("Gotta problem, bitch?")
NeoVid: Cool. Can I have the fake one? I need it to, um...give to somebody. For a birthday.
Wyvern: Uh...okay.
[NeoVid picks up the AKIRA PLUSHIE.]
AKIRA PLUSHIE: ...!! ("Barney, my love! We will never be apart in spirit!")
BARNEY DOLL: ... ("Sorry, baby. I got utha ho's where YOU came from. Masta B waits fo' no playah!")
AKIRA PLUSHIE: ...!! ("WAAAH!! It happened again!! Hold me, NeoVid!!")
NeoVid: Hey...does this plushie have Velcro on it or something? It stuck to my shirt and I can't pull it off.
Wyvern: (munches popcorn) Use scalding water when you get home.
[ChibiVid plushie #1 jumps out of NeoVid's jacket pocket.]
CHIBIVID PLUSHIE: *#%DAMMIT! I'm the only plushie that gets to do that! I kill you!
[ChibiVid plushie #1 takes an itty bitty crowbar out of its jacket, and pounds the Akira plushie in the head with it repeatedly. Matt's Mew just sits there as this goes on.]
MMK DOLL: ... ("Cool. That was one totally surreal scene.")
IRINA PLUSHIE: ... ("Hey there, boy. Yew got a purty mouth.")
YUUSUKE PLUSHIE: ...!?!? ("@_@ @_@...o.O...help??")
GAIA PLUSHIE: ... ("Hey, Yuu-kid. You might want to start running.")
YUUSUKE PLUSHIE: ...!! ("I can't!! My legs won't move...they're made of recycled polyester!! It's like some horrible dream!!")
RETRIBUTION PLUSHIE: ... (Die, Rocket.)
[It shoots at the Finnian plushie, who bites down on something and promptly keels over. The chibi-bullets overshoot and hits Wyvern instead.]
Wyvern: Ow. Do we have bugs in here or what?
(\/): I want out of this theater while I still have some sanity.
Replica: Agreed. And we have a duel to get to.
[they leave. Quickly.]
NeoVid: Well, I had a joke planned about how I've MSTed with large reptiles before, but since we found out the Wyvern's not a draconian halfway through...
Wyvern: Huh?
NeoVid: Nothing.
> "Can I take > my Mew?" "You only need a gun..." "But > I want to take my Mew." "Okay, take > your goddamn mew."