As the US economy continues to attain record levels of prosperity, interest rates have recently plummeted below zero percent, for the first time in the history of banking.
Prompted by a widespread conviction that inflation is no longer a big problem in this country, lending institutions have been aggressively enticing prospective clients by lowering their interest rates on loans to undercut their competition, to the point where some have even started offering "negative interest" loans. Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenback commented in a recent speech that his agency is powerless to stop this incredible financial markets trend, as it is driven by the free-market forces of capitalism.
"The rich have been getting richer for years, and now we've reached the point where they don't know what to do with their money," explains Franny May, a leading advisor for many of the financial elite. "The whole point of this new sub-zero lending practice is to get more borrowers into a better financial category. Once this goal is reached, I expect that you may see rates go down even further. Heck, we may eventually wipe out poverty in America altogether someday."
The manufacturing sector is benefiting greatly from this unexpected affluence of the masses, as people are purchasing even luxury items in such numbers that there will soon be a shortage of many products once considered exclusive because of their prohibitive high prices, such as giant wall-sized High-Definition TVS, swimming pools, home gymnasiums and spas, even yatchs and summer/winter homes.
Companies in the services industries, on the other hand, now find themselves facing the worst labor shortage in USA history, as nobody seems to be looking for work these days, resulting in the first negative unemployment rates since statistics have been kept.
US Attorney General Janet Renu, whose family built its fortune by helping people get rid of red eyes, is now keeping an eye on these developments. "It seems that the banking industry has decided to emulate the tobacco companies' approach to success, that is, practically giving away their product in order to get their customers hooked." said A.G. Renu. "I'm afraid of what may happen if people get used to having lots of money. Nobody can accurately predict the potential consequences at this point, especially how this could affect our children's future. These new lending practices might even be unconstitutional, so we'll be watching this trend closely. In fact, we have already added more than 1,000 new lawyers, to help our agency determine the legality of these issues."
Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go turn in my loan application.
© Tony Biscaia January 98
