In the aftermath of a recent scandal concerning a scam where cheap commercial coffee beans were substituted for and sold as gourmet coffee at inflated prices, Starbucks has announced that a new hybrid coffee bean is now available that will literally bounce other types of coffee off the shelves.

The “Mexican Jumping Java” coffee bean tastes even better than most gourmet brands. In fact, blindfold taste tests have been so successful that Starbucks plans to begin selling it immediately at all of it’s franchise outlets nationwide. Grown at high altitude in the cool temperatures of the Mexican Alps, coffee trees are cross-bred with native Mexican mescal cactus plants, resulting in a coffee tree whose beans blossom with a tiny worm trapped inside, that evolves as the bean matures. The worm is sealed in the bean, and then sterilized by the roasting process.

“This stuff gives you a better buzz than tequila, yet you can drink all you want without having to worry about the police smelling it on your breath if you’re driving, or failing a breathalyzer test” points out Starbucks founder and successful coffee mogul, Manny S. Bucks. “It will even help you recite the alphabet backwards faster, and you don’t even need a chaser. Yet it’s just another coffee bean, except for the worm part. We kind of figured that if McDonald’s can sell millions of hamburgers just by adding worms for taste, why not apply that basic principle that to the coffee industry? People may think it’s gross to brew worms, but please allow me to point out that we use absolutely no pesticides or chemicals of any kind, that would kill the worms, and then they wouldn’t jump. It’s the ultimate organic coffee, and that should appeal to nature food lovers.”

The “Mexican Jumping Java” coffee bean was discovered by a Starbucks warehouse forklift driver who heard weird noises, and was thought to be hallucinating, because of his claims that he could actually see coffee beans jumping when he accidentally ruptured a 50 lb. bag one day. Further investigation by supervisors substantiated his claim, and the rest will surely be history.

Starbucks also plans to make the beans available at retail toy outlets, hoping that non-coffee drinkers will purchase the beans as toys for their kids. Mr. Bucks claims “they’re absolutely safe for children. They’re non-toxic, and choking’s not likely to occur unless they try to gobble a big handful. We also recommend that you don’t give your child too many at once, in case they do swallow them, they could get a little hyper.”

Hey, where’s my coffee cup going?

© Tony Biscaia, February 1997