Negotiations are under way between the Red Nose Indian tribe and the Goodyear Tire Company to mass produce blimps that will be used for air gambling, to be launched out of the abandoned Air Force base in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. Due to the recent success of other American Indian tribes in establishing profitable gambling casino businesses, Red Nose tribal leaders have approached Goodyear with an innovative proposal.

Since the Red Nose don't actually have any reservation land to call their own, spokesman Alexi Lalas nevertheless claims the sky is no limit, and announced the tribe’s plans for the launching of a blimp casino operation.

"I know this is going to be as big as soccer" said Lalas in the press release. "And the money is tax free, because we'll be conducting business in international airspace, outside the jurisdiction of the USA government ".

Lalas, better known as one of the worst players on the USA national soccer team, revealed he was born a Red Nose, but has never divulged this fact, fearing he would be discriminated against. Blimp rides will be free to anyone who carries one hundred thousand American dollars or more on board. People with lesser dollar amounts will be charged a flat rate of $10.00. "Not a bad price for a day-long blimp ride", notes Alexi.

Goodyear failed to return our requests for commment. In light of their recent setbacks to the Fuji blimp, they are surely considering this proposal as an alternative to their failing race tire business. The Hoosier Tire Company, with generous funding from the mafia, has killed Goodyear's racing business in recent years. The free advertising on all blimps would be an extra benefit to Goodyear in this venture.

"Hey, everybody knows my red hair, headband and goatee; it's the way of the Red Nose people." Lalas says of his trademark looks.

Lalas reports that this venture will be called the Blimpasino Air Gambling Company. Sources report that Bob Kraft, owner of the New England Patriots and the New England Revolution soccer team, which Lalas plays for, will be one of the prime investors.

Never one to miss a promotional opportunity, Lalas also plugged his sports poncho, produced by the italian fashion designer Rudolpho Paisini. “Why be all wet at the game?” said Lalas. “My full length poncho will even protect you against beer spillage, and it’s washable.” The brand name of this product, Rudolpho’s Red Nose Raingear, is certain to draw some criticism for it’s blatant Christmas slant.

Lease figures for the Portsmouth facility were not available, but New Hampshire officials expressed relief that there would be a new source of income for the "Live free or die" state. Tourism would certainly be welcome, especially from gamblers from out of state, said one state official who wishes to remain anonymous.

Will it fly?... Time will tell.

© Tony Biscaia, December 1996