The US DEA Office has announced that the new strain of banana, recently discovered growing in remote regions of the tropical jungles of Brasil by a National Geographic film crew, will be classified as a class B drug substance, and that possession, cultivation or trafficking the banana will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of newly instituted laws.

While filming the daily life of a homogeneous people, the film crew learned of the tribe’s sunrise ritual of eating just one Banana Alegre, which translates to Happy Banana. It didn’t take them long to realize that coffee may have it’s match.

Although Happy Bananas look like ordinary bananas, they cause an immediate mood effect in the eater. “These people just have one of these bananas in the morning, and they’re happy all day,“ said one exuberant member of the camera crew.

“Our children, classmates, neighbors and workmates could become Happy Banana addicts. Until we get a thoroughly complete review of the Happy Banana by the National Institute of Academic Science, and analyze it’s potential effect on society, we must protect our citizens,” said Attorney General Janet Reno. “I’m especially concerned about the possible addictive affect on the youth of this country. Our central commitment is preventing a new generation of Happy Banana drug culture. This response is also prompted by reports of sexual activity using the banana, which would be considered illegal in this country.“

The Office of National Drug Control Policy committed $1 million to fund a comprehensive study of the Happy Banana’s potential use as a medicine. “We cannot use the metaphor ‘War on Bananas’ to describe our efforts to prevent yet another unknown plant from eroding the integrity of the American medical system. Who would argue that the chemical based drugs on pharmacy shelves are much safer than these bananas?

While drug manufacturing companies scramble to identify the psychoactive ingredients of the Happy Banana so they can synthesize it and have it legalized, some third world countries are already establishing large plantations to meet the expected demand in the American black market, which will mean millions of dollars to traffickers willing to take the risk. US officials have countered by allocating close to tree trillion dollars in funds for military equipment to support anti-Happy Banana efforts.

Skeptics suggest that these new laws are just a smokescreen to prevent cheap Happy Bananas as medicine for depressed people now spending millions of dollars on Prozac and other approved drugs that benefit the legal drug manufacturing industry.

Sound Familiar?

© Tony Biscaia, February 1997