5/01/01 Well, here's my online journal. I am probably gonna write a lot in here, or at least I hope so. I have SO many things on my mind right now, and it's actually given me a headache! I guess it mainly has to do with my boyfriend. I am not sure how much I should actually write in here since this is gonna be shown to the entire internet. In a nutshell, he has a lot to deal with, many issues that I cannot help him resolve. It's hard though, because when he get stressed out, if I am the closest person to him or near him or whatever, he will take the stress out on me, by getting pissed at me for little things that normally wouldn't bother someone. It has been happening WAY too much lately.

There are so many things I want to do to my website here. I feel kinda out of whack though because I feel so unorganized with it. I know it's coming along and all, and that eventually it will all be perfect once I'm done, but I hate the waiting process.

I talked with my friends Kristina and Stefan tonight about some of the thoughts that have been banging around in my head. Stefan gave me this opinion metaphorically, and Kristina was up front about it. They both said the same thing, but I must say I truly enjoyed the conversation with Kristina because she can completely relate to where I'm coming from. Tomorrow morning I'm going hiking with her. This will be fun for a few reasons: 1) I haven't been hiking since I went to camp for 2 weeks when I was like 12 years old, 2) It will be fun to hang out with Kristina because I only know a couple girls that are friends of mine that actually live NEAR me :), and 3) I'm hoping this will help get my mind off of things too.

5/02/01 I woke up really early this morning. I have NO freakin idea why either. The sucky part was that I slept past 8am, and missed out on the hiking. I'm sure there will be other days though, it's not really a big deal.

When I woke up today, I came online and was chatting with a good friend of mine about a personal conflict I am going through. I finally admitted something to myself that I had been denying for a period of time, and I broke down crying. I wished at the moment I had someone next to me who could hug me and just tell me everything will be alright. It's not though. I am sad, confused, frustrated, angry, and I dunno what else there is. I guess I'll write more later on tonight.

05/03/01 Damn, talk about bad timing. I'll write more later on today. I'm SO tired...

11:15PM Today I thought I felt I was truly happy. Calm, relaxed, full of energy. I "almost" forgot what I have been thinking about. It still sticks to the back of my head like a damn post-it note. I wish I could get rid of it. I know how I can, but that isn't the way I want to do it. It is but it isn't. It seems confusing, but that's the only way I can describe it. I am very scared because this is a very big thing for me to do. I am also afraid of how I will feel afterwards, not to mention how I'll feel WHILE I'm doing it. That's going to hurt the most. :(

05/04/01 I wrote this last night in a book of mine: I don't know what to say right now. There are a lot of things on my mind. Let's see if I can write about one thing at a time.

1) Florida - Yes, I miss Florida like fucking crazy. If I could, I would go back there in a heartbeat. There are times when I actually feel like just going there. I think Mike thinks I want to go there because my parents live there. That isn't the reason at all. Granted, my parents ARE in Florida, but the only reason I want to move back to Florida is because that is my home, and I miss it SO much. I miss the beaches, collecting shells at sunrise and sunset, hearing the waves crash against the shore, the sea breeze, lying on the beach getting a tan, the sun, the people, being a beach bum, driving from Tampa to Clearwater, then driving down the coast to St. Pete beach, then driving back again. Those were the best drives; along the coast line, salty air, giving yourself time to think during the drive. The most enjoyable thing about the drive was having my sunroof open, windows down, and being able to see the stars in the sky as I was driving. I miss being able to do that.

I guess that's all I'm going to write for now. I DO have a lot on my mind, but it's really overwhelming me right now, and I can't get my thoughts together enough to write about one thing at a time.

So there is what I wrote last night. Today I woke up in a pretty good mood. I went out (it is HOT OUT today!!), went to Linens N Things, and looked at a duvet that's made out of sateen and has a 320 thread count. That is HEAVEN to sleep in. I had them put a few things on hold there. I also went to the grocery store to pick up some food, and I also stopped by the florist section and got myself some English Roses. They're GORGEOUS. They're the color of a beautiful Florida sunset. Maybe that's why I got them? Who knows. I'll write more later on tonight.

05/06/01 Man, I'm too tired to even write anything tonight. UGH. I'm doubt I'm gonna work out tonight, especially after I worked 16 hours straight at work last night!

05/07/01 Last night was a lot of fun. I went over to Kristina's and hung out with her, Stefan, and Don. Kristina and I were downloading karaoke songs and singing them, and sometimes the guys joined in too. It was pretty hilarious. :) I only drank about 3/4 of Smirnoff Ice - I didn't wanna get drunk or anything.

My good friend Sean down in Tampa Florida said to put him in here, so here ya go! Please visit Sean's webpage! The link is on the bottom left corner of this page. :) HI SEAN!!

I've made a decision regarding my entry on 05/02/01. I've decided to see how things go. I am happy and comfortable with my decision also. I just need to learn how to say no and walk out if things get too rough. I dunno if that's me being too nice, naive, or just because I am in love. Whatever it is, I am happy with it. I'll write more later on this evening.