Saddam Hussien & the UN
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
The inscription on the metal bands used by the US Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed.
The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological
Dear Sir:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a
Marriage Report
Mrs. Smith has three daughters who are all getting married within the
same month. She tells each one of her daughters to write back about
their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands
by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to
using newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the mother know how
their love lives are going.
The first one gets married and the second day a telegram arrives with a
single message, simply: "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE".
Mrs. Smith gets the newspaper and checks the Maxwell Coffee House
advertisement, and it says: "Satisfaction to the last drop..." So,
Mrs. Smith is happy.
Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there is a postcard
that reads: "ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES". So, Mrs. Smith looks at the
Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says: "FULL SIZE, KING SIZE" And
Mrs. Smith is happy.
Then it is the third one's wedding. Mrs. Smith is anxious because two
weeks have passed and still no message from the third daughter. Then
after four weeks comes a letter with the message:
"BRITISH AIRWAYS".
And Mrs. Smith looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she
faints. The ad reads:
"THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."
On Monday morning the sergeant went out to where ten
"Sorry, Sarge! But I can explain! You see, I had a
The sergeant was very skeptical about this elaborate
Moments later, eight more GIs ran up to him, also all
Here's what he heard from each of them: "Sorry, Sarge!
The sergeant eyed them, by now feeling exceedingly
Just then, a ninth GI jogged up, panting heavily:
"Really sorry, Sarge! I had a date and it ran a little late,
"Let me guess," the sergeant interrupted sardonically: "It
"Frosty the Hit-Man"
Frosty the hit man
Oh Frosty the hit man
He chased them down the streets of town
Frosty the hit man
January 1, 2000
Dear Valued Employee:
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over
Automated Payroll Processing
Cigars and Insurance
A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist
"Thaw the chicken."
What's the definition of mixed emotions?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off
Sleeping Husband
A couple went to church every week, but every
The wife, being embarrassed by her husband's loud
The next week when they were in church the
He soon fell asleep again and when the preacher
The husband pretended to fall asleep while
Come check out my NEW
SouthPark page.
Check out new Daily Cartoon page
CIA Test
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.
The day came for the final test to see which man would get the extremely
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. We must
Now they're down to one man left to test. Again they lead him to the
The Penguin
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around
Potential vs Reality
A boy comes home from school one day with a question on his mind, and
goes to his father for an answer. "Father," he asks, "what is the
difference between potential and reality?" His father is thoughtful for a
moment, and then replies, "Well, I'll tell you what, son. Go and ask
your mother if she'd sleep with the mailman for a million dollars."
The boy is confused, but follows his father instructions, and proceeds
into the kitchen. When he returns, he tells father, "She said she would,
dad..." His father again looks thoughtful, and so the boy asks,
"Now will you teach me the difference between potential and reality?"
The father says, "I will, son, but first, go ask your sister if she'd
sleep
with the mailman for a million dollars."
The boy is even more puzzled,
but does as his father says. After he return from his sister's room, he
says,
"Yes, dad, she said she would sleep with the mailman for a million
dollars. Now will you teach me the difference between potential and
reality?" The father says, "One more thing. Go ask your brother if he'd
sleep with the mailman for a million dollars."
Now the boy is very confused, but convinced as he is of his father's
wisdom, he goes to ask his brother. When he returns, he proclaims to his
father, "Yes, dad, my brother would sleep with the mailman for a million
dollars. Now will you teach me the difference between potential and
reality?"
The father looks up at his son, and says, "Alright son, think about this:
Right now this household has the potential to make three million dollars.
But the reality is, we're just living with two sluts and a homo."
President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried.
"Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power
to help you," replied the President.
"I DO need your help," said Yeltsin, "could you possible send 1,000,000
condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why, certainly! I'll get on it right away!" said Clinton.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Yeltsin.
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in
diameter?"
said Yeltsin.
"No problem," replied the President. With that, Clinton hung up and called
the
President of Trojan.
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the President, "Print, 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE--SMALL'!"
Bubba's new family
Well, Bubba's old lady had been pregnant for some time,
Bubba got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke
So, Bubba and his wife went home with the three children.
She said, "Yeah, I do."
Bubba said, "Man, it's a damn good thing we didn't use no WD-40!
A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and
The health department explained that since there was no
The sanitation manager explained that he couldn't pick up the
Now, the preacher knew the mayor, and was not to eager to
The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant
The preacher paused for a brief prayer and then explained,
Credit card company
In March 1992 a man living in Newton near Boston Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.
Top Ten - Law:
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
And the number I thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:
speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. He
replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put
a
glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I
take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the
beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He
proceeded
to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he
found
the following note on the door:
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't
say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this
and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub
thanks for the grub, yeah God.
13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's,
not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Survey, abbreviated as "Wash. Biol. Surv."; until the agency received
the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want
to tell you it was horrible.
GIs were supposed to meet him for work, only to find
that none of them was back after being in town on
weekend passes. As the sergeant looked around, one of
the GIs ran up, panting heavily.
great date, and it ran a little late. I ran for the bus,
but just barely missed it, so I hailed a cab; but it
broke down — totally died. I found a farm, though, and I
bought a horse; but it dropped dead, so I ran the last
ten miles, and now I'm here."
explanation, but at least the man was here now, so he
let it go.
panting. He demanded to know why they were late, too.
But, see, I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran
for the bus but missed it, hailed a cab but it broke
down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead,
I ran ten miles — and now I'm here."
skeptical; but, since he'd let the first guy go and
they had work to do, he let them go, too.
I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."
broke down...."
"Oh, no," answered the GI quickly; "but there were so many
dead horses in the road, it took the driver forever to get
around them."
Frosty the hit man
was a evil, psycho soul,
with an Uzi and some hand grenades,
and a heart as black as coal.
was a fairy tale they say.
He was made of snow, but the children know
how he blew them all away.
There must have been some magic
in those bullets that they found.
For when they put them in his gun
he began to mow them down.
was as real as he could be.
So he said, "you run, and I'll have some fun!
I'll give you 'till the count of three!"
right to a traffic cop.
And murdered him in cold blood
when he heard him screaming, "STOP!"
had to run and get away.
So he waved good-bye, shouting "Run and hide!
I'll be back again, someday!"
Re: Vacation Pay
the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are
granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off.
One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please
either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay
cheque will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all
pay and interest for the past 1,200 months. Sincerely,
expensive cigars insured them against fire among other things. Within a
month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having
made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim
against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars
were lost "in a series of small fires". The insurance company refused to
pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in
the normal fashion. The man sued.... and won. In delivering the ruling
the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless
that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted
that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure
against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable
fire", and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy
and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and
paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires". After
the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24
counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the
previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of
intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in
jail and a $24,000 fine.
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Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch
dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the
space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to
simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test
the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made to
borrow the gun. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked
as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof
shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console,
snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back
wall of the cabin.
Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment,
along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists
for suggestions.
a cliff in your new car.
week without fail the husband would fall asleep
during the sermon.
snoring, decided to bring a needle to the next
service with her and poke him when he nods off.
husband, as always, fell asleep. When the
preacher asked, "Who created the Earth in 6 days
and rested on the 7th?" The wife stuck her
husband with the needle and he jumped up and
exclaimed, "Oh my God!"
The preacher said, "That's correct." And the
husband sat down mumbling to himself.
got to the question, "And who died on the cross
to save us from eternal damnation?"
The wife stuck her husband again and he jumped
up and exclaimed, "Jesus Christ!"
And the preacher said, "Right again."
With this the husband fell suspicious of his wife
and decided to catch her in the act.
keeping an eye on his wife when the preacher
said, "What did Mary say to Joseph after Jesus
was born?" The wife started to poke her husband
again, but before she could the husband jumped
up and excalimed, "If you stick that damn thing
in me again, I'm going to break it in half!
The page has heaps of .mov files (videos) and other southpark stuff. Including a great game.
These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot
of testing and background checks involved before you can even be
considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the
background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible
choices down to 3 men, but only one position was available.
secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to
a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will
follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they
explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a
chair.
Take this gun and kill her. "The man got a shocked look on his face and
said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well,"
says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances,"
they explained to the second man, "Inside you will find your wife
sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked
a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All
was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of
the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't
pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for
the job." "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes.
Take your wife and go the hell home."
same door to the same room and hand him the same gun. "We must be sure
that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances.
This is your final test. Inside you will find your wife sitting in a
chair. Take this gun and kill her." The third man took the gun and
opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA man
heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then
all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went
quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the third man. He wiped
the sweat from his brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was
loaded with blanks! I had to beat the b**ch to death with the chair!"
that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil
dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops
at the first gas station.
town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona,
decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a
big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands,
he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After
finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks
the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and
says, "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
"This is
my people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster! Our
population will explode unless you help us!"
"I need a favor. You've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send
them to Russia."
and now the time had come. So, he brought her to the
doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had
a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Bubba and said,
"Hey, Bubba! You just had you a son!"
up and said, "Hold on, son! We ain't finished yet!" The
doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Bubba!
Hey, you got you a daughter!" Bubba got kind of puzzled
by this, and then the doctor says, "Hold on, we still ain't
finished!" The doctor then delivered another boy. He said,
"Bubba, you just had another boy! But don't worry, 'cause that's it!"
When they got home, they sat down and began talking.
Bubba said, "Mama, you remember that night that we ran
out of Vaseline and we had to use that 3-in-1 Oil?"
discovered a dead mule in the church yard so he called the
police. Since there didn't appear to be any foul play, the
police referred the preacher to the health department.
health threat, the preacher should call the sanitation
department.
mule without authorization from the mayor.
call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard
to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.
and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me
anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"
"Yes, mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I wanted to
notify the mule's next of kin first. And, considering you're a
jackass, I decided to call you!"
In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post.
He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it.
The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been cancelled.
He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it.
The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.
Finally giving in, he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.
A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00.
After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.
The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
1. Think you can get me off?
