I'm sucking on this piece of tomato that was in my salad. The tomato was from either my dad's or Mrs. Mac's garden. Along with the tomato, I got a cuke, 2 zukes, and a squash.

But this tomato is so sweet. I would rather have a bowl of these tomatoes than the Romaine lettuce that it is sitting in. And the croutons. I love croutons, but these are bloated from sitting in with the moist vegetables and now look like bright orange lumps of white toilet paper.

I am a crouton. The kind in my salad that falls apart at the touch.

At 3 am, after the massage I was given, he told me I haven't been the same person since I've been so stressed out over my jobs. He started to nuzzle his way into foreplay, which I have no tolerance for at 3 in the morning and with someone who has come to bed with alcohol-breath. I did not want to be touched, whether by him or anyone. Just not then. He had just told me he went to a strip club ("It was classy. We should go sometime. My buddy's girlfriend suggested it.") and, trying to be rational at 3 am, we were discussing why I thought any place, no matter how great the interior is, is a sleeze joint if they have people taking off their clothes while men (and women apparently) hold themselves up at the bar.

No he did not ooze over these women. No he did not give any of them money. Yes he was talking about me the whole time. And there I was, sleeping in our bed at home. And I end up going to bed crying because he turned away from me after I said I didn't want to have sex?

I'm not going to defend him, but I also don't want to hear anyone's advice or anyone think he's scum. I feel like I have so many people intervening with my life, my initial way of coping with stuff is to deal it alone. I resent that my personality is suggestive of others, like my parents' personalities are. They conform to the person they are with.

I told him I couldn't take it anymore. Honestly, I meant the shit I deal with at work (both), but even in the dark I could see the terror on his face: "What do you mean?" Of course he was thinking of us. He told me this morning he doesn't feel like he's doing anything to please me, so he's nervous I'll chuck him out of the house.

For now, until my schedule clears, we're going to schedule time to be with each other. But, me, I'm very numb and I'm almost to the point that I just don't care.