In the Underwater lair of the evil mage, Bohdid Li, Groo and his fellow lycanthropes are about to do battle with the sorceror's henchman, a monsterous golem (who likes jazz), and who has just had his hypnotized brain replaced with another one by Li, who then turned and left, not caring to witness the carnage.
"Ha! You may have a new brain" shouted Groo. "But you will find that Groo needs no brain to defeat you!"
And as the Golem charged, Groo instinctively reached for his swords, which were not there.
"Uh-oh, I am without the swords of Groo. This could prove to be more difficult than I thought."
Avoiding the initial charge, Groo frantically looked for some kind of weapon.
"Hey, you Cat! Come here!"
Knowing Groo was their only hope, a depressing thought if there ever was one, Tabi leaped to Groo, who grabbed her by the tail and started flailing her about like a sword, which was easier than it sounds because Tabi was rigid with fear; with her legs sticking straight out and her claws extended.
"Now Groo does what Groo does best! Feel the might of Groo's sword, er, I mean cat!"
The combination of Groo's skill and Tabi's claws was too much for the Golem and in short order it looked like a pile of spaghetti.
Suddenly, Bohdid Li appeared, wearing the fabled Shades of Blue Jake.
"Fools! You think just because you have defeated my Golem, you can get these shades? You have accomplished nothing! I shall turn you all into ants and feed you to my pet toad! I'll freeze-dry you and use you for lawn decorations! I'll force you to watch the Home Shopping Network while listening to Michael Bolton CD's! I'll, I'll, Ah, aha, ah, Choooo!"
And Bohdid Li began sneezing uncontrolably, and scratching himself all over.
"What's happening to me? Is there a….AH!!!! Who let that cat in here? I am deathly allergic. Get out! Get out!!!!
"Well, that seems reasonable. Ok guys, we better leave." Said Groo.
"GROO! Not until we get the Shades of Blue Jake, you idiot!" said Fenris.
"Oh, yeah, right. I forgot. Not until we get the Shades of Blue Jake, you idiot."
"Here-ah-choo-take them, sniff-sniff. Just GET OUT!!! Ah-Ah-choooooo!!!!"
And the mage hurled the Shades of Blue Jake to Groo and ran out of the room.
"Well, we have the Shoes of Jerk." said Groo. "Gee, they look like funny glasses to me. Let us be off. By the way, where are we going?"
Fenris sighed "Groo, we know you are slow of mind, but don't you remember? We are under the spell of the evil magician, Cole, the Gnat King, who controls all were-creatures-which is what we are, or were before those tiny bubbles-as well as annoying insects. He has compelled us to find the Shades of Jake and return them to him, When the Shades are used with the PorkPie of Jake, which Cole has, it will increase his power 10 fold. Now do you understand?"
"Of course! Groo is very understanding. I just have one question."
"What's that?"
"Is Porkpie made with warm pork and when do we get to eat it? I am very hungry! Oh, and have you seen my dog, Rufferto?"
"ARGHH!!!"
"You know" said Groo "I do feel compelled to go in a certain direction. But it is straight up I wonder why that is?" And Groo ran up a flight of stairs, grabbed a giant iron freestanding candelabra, and began banging on the ceiling.
"Because" Fenris shouted, "We are in a house that lies at the bottom of the..."
CRASSHHH!!! SSLLOSSHH!!! PaH FLOOOOSSSHHH!!!!
"....Sea!!!!!"
"Did I err?"
Within seconds the entire house of Bohdid Li was destroyed and floating towards the surface along with Groo and his struggling companions. As they took their first breaths, they realized they were not alone, for all around them were pieces of the wreckage and crew of the ship Groo has sunk but a few hours before. Among the survivors was Captain Ahax, who, when seeing Groo and hearing what had transpired, smiled crazily saying, "Ha! I should have known one of the werewolves was Groo! How could I miss something so obvious? I could have told you he would cause the underwater house to come to the surface. With Groo, ships sink and underwater houses rise! It all makes such perfect sense. Perfect! Perfect! Perfect!!! I'm going to find a mountain to sit on. Oh, I know Groo will find me and turn it into a crater, or maybe a volcano, but at least I will be dry!!! Ahahahahahahahaha!"
And with that, the poor, psychotic captain swan off.
Groo and the other lycanthropes made it to shore and began to make their way back to Lupo. They came to a fork in the road and the sign said both roads lead to Lupo. Fenris knew that one road was connected to many other roads coming from other cities and was twice as long as the other, which was a direct route. Still looking for a way to get rid of Groo so he could get rid of Rufferto and becomes Coles right hand man, he convinced Groo to go down the longer road by telling him he was more likely to find Rufferto there, while making sure that he, Fenris, had the Shades of Jake. All of the others went with Fenris and Groo found himself traveling down the winding road alone.
Meanwhile, walking down another of the many roads to Lupo...
"So, as I was saying Chakaal," said Arcadio "You are a brave and beautiful warrior. I am an even braver and even more beautiful warrioir. Once we have rid Lupo of their werewolf problem, let us join forces permanently. Let us become man and wife so that we can rid the world of evil together and look absolutely stunning while doing it!"
"WHAT!!!! Listen you preening prima donna!" Said Chakaal as she pointed her great broadsword close enough to prick Arcadio's adam's apple. " I wouldn't marry you if you were the last man on earth! And if I HAD to choose a husband, YOU would be my last choice among all men!!!. Well, maybe second to the last, though I'm not sure Groo counts as a man. Have I made myself clear?" And she stalked down the road.
"Y-y-yes, of course!" And Arcadio followed her while thinking ("Obviously, she was overcome by my glorious presence -- women always are -- and the incredible magnaminy of my bestowing on her the the honor of being my wife. She will come to her senses eventually.")
("That insufferable, narcissistic boob!") Thought Chakaal ("This is worse than traveling with Groo! At least if I hit Groo once in a while, he shuts up! Why did I agree to this? I always work best alone. I've got to get rid him. But how? Hmmm. I know...")
"Arcadio! Let us stop a moment and let me look at you."
"Of course, my sweet" ("Ah! Sooner than I thought is she ready to throw herself at my feet")
Chakaal stared intently into Arcadio's chiseled features, thinking ("By Megatheos, that's the biggest chin I have ever seen!") But what she said was "Yes, I was right, it is definitely there."
"What? What is there?" said Arcadio, note of panic creeping into his voice.
"Oh, nothing really, just a small wrinkle."
"WRINKLE?!?!" Where ? Where?"
"On the right side of your face. Just below that thinning spot in your hair."
"THINNING SPOT???? WRINKLE!!!!" Full-blown panic had set in. "It can't be! Where is a my mirror? Where is my hair brush? I'm sorry Chakaal, I just remembered, I'm scheduled to slay a dragon in Azuza. I've got to go! (I must get back to my cosmetologist!!!) Bye!"
And with that, the mighty Arcadio started running back the way he had come.
"Now I can concentrate on the task at hand. Getting rid of these accursed werewolves that have been plaguing the city of Lupos. Slaying werewolves is a tricky business, but I had a silversmith apply a thin coating of silver to the groove of my sword, so I should be able to kill them with a simple sword thrust that would otherwise have no effect."
Shortly thereafter, Chakaal came across the ugliest woman she had ever seen; a great, gross warrior woman who had drooling, hideous dog by her side.
"Ho there!" Called out the woman "I am Macha, the greatest woman warrior of the age and this is my dog, Buffas. I am looking for Groo, the most skilled of all warriors, to make him my husband. He alluded me once, but I'm sure it was just premarital jitters. I will find him and we will spend the rest of our lives together!! And Buffas wants the dog of Groo as a mate as well!
("She wants to be with Groo?") thought Chakaal ("She is as stupid as she is ugly. However, I could not wish this hag on anyone, even Groo. And although Rufferto doesn't seem to like me, he is a good and brave hound whose only fault is his devotion to old Gourd Nose! He certainly doesn't deserve to be matched with this slobbering wretch of a canine. 'Greatest woman warrior of the age', eh? She sounds as insufferable as Arcad.....Hmmmm")
"Actually", said Chakaal "Groo is not the most skilled warrior. As many will tell you, especially himself, the greatest warrior of the age is Arcadio! Currently he is searching for the bravest, mightiest female warrior in the land and has vowed to make her his wife. He is also exceedingly handsome in the eyes of many, especially his own, and especially if you like big chins."
"Really? Where can I find this Arcadio?"
"By coincidense, he was headed down that road not too long ago. If you hurry, you can catch him. He may resist you, but only because he will be dazzled by your obvious charms and skill."
"Oh, I'm used to that! I'm just too much woman for most men. But I'll catch him alright, you can bet on that! By the way, sweety, I see you carry a sword. Do you know how to use it? It can mighty dangerous on the road. I could travel with you if you need protection."
"Oh, fear not for me. My modest skills will see me to the next town. Besides, you've got to catch..., that is, catch up to Arcadio."
"Yes, you're right I better get moving. Come, Buffas. Maybe this Arcadio has a pooch for you."
And with that, Macha and Buffas trotted down the road, while Chakaal continued her trek to Lupos.
Meanwhile, in courthouse of Lupos:
Things were looking bad for Cole the Gnat King. Despite all of the evil legal tricks his distorted werelawyer brain could come up with, Rufferto was unable to overcome the overwhelming evidence against the evil mage who controlled him.
("At least it will be dark soon and I will be a dog again") Thought Rufferto.
At that moment, the door burst open and Fenris and the other werefolk, still humans (and one cat) ran into the courtroom. Fenris ran to Cole, gave him the Shades of Jake and handed him the Porkpie of Jake, which had been sitting on the defense table. Cole donned both magical implements, leaped onto the table and shouted with triumphant glee:
"Now I am the most powerful wizard in the world! No one can stop me! I shall bring everlasting darkness to the land and rule over all with my magic and my were creatures!!! Ahahahahaha!"
Judge Mason pounded his gavel and said "Order in the court!" Get off that table and take your hat off in my courtroom."
But Cole the Gnat King pointed at him and said "You are a gnat!"
And Judge Mason became a tiny gnat. (Complete with teeny tiny judge robes) The courtroom erupted in panic as the Minstrel strummed (while running)
"Things are not as they should be!
I think it's best for us to flee!"
"Fenris, you shall be rewarded." Said Cole "Where is Groo? Rufferto! I no longer need you as a werelawyer. Go find Groo and bring him back here! The rest of you come with me."
Rufferto took off, glad, for once, to follow an order from Cole. Everything would somehow work out if he was reunited with Groo.
Meanwhile, the events surrounding Arcadio and Macha can be summarized as follows (because this story is getting entirely too long):
Macha caught up to Arcadio, whose panic over the alleged wrinkle and thin spot in his hair were usurped by the panic over being chased by Macha. He ran as fast as he could until he came to a Gypsy caravan, lead by Granny Groo. Arcadio asked if she could use her Gypsy wiles to help him and she said she could quickly get him married off to a woman who is part Gypsy and a queen of a great kingdom. And since this queen is part gypsy, and had commissioned Granny to find her a suitable husband, under gypsy law, Granny could perform the ceremony immediately without the Queen even being there and then take him to the Queen's castle as the Queen's new husband. All for the small pittance of a few thousand gold kopins, or everything Arcadio had, which ever is more. Arcadio agreed (thinking that marrying a queen is appropriate for one such as himself) said "I do" in a 30 second ceremony, was wisked off by the gypsies to a castle and before you can say "Did I Err?" Arcadio found himself married to.....Grooella!!!!
Meanwhile, on another of the many roads to Lupos (most of which eventually converge) the Sage and his dog Mulch are making their way towards the town that seems to be very popular considering it is invested with werewolves...
"I must see if there is anything I can do to help the poor besieged folk of Lupos. 'A wise man must go where his wisdom is needed'. What could be worse than a plague of werewolves? Other than Groo, of course. But the sun will be setting soon and I need to rest my weary old bones. Ah, here is a spot by the road that was recently used as a campsite. I will put out my wolfsbane and garlic and spend the night here".
But as the Sage approached the campsite, he noticed something on the ground. "Hmm. What have we here? A pair of swords!! Why, these are the swords of Groo!!! What are they doing here and where is Groo? "
As if in answer to his question, Groo suddenly came trotting down the road.
"Hi Sage!"
And went trotting right on by. But after a few yards, he stopped.
"Sage?!?!" And Groo ran back and gave Sage a big hug, which the Sage reluctantly accepted, mostly because he had no choice.
"Sage! My old friend and mentor! Hey! That is a nice pair of swords you have there. I wish I knew where mine were. By the way, have you seen my dog?"
"Groo! These are your swords, as any fool can plainly see"
"I can plainly see that!"
"Now tell me what has transpired here!" And as Groo started a fire, he told the whole tale of the last few days.
"Well, most of it makes no sense." Said the Sage "But that is not surprising since you are involved."
At that moment, Rufferto, still looking like a freckle-faced human, came upon Groo and the Sage.
"Groo! I found you! And you have your swords. Now all will be well! And Sage, it is good to see you."
"Hey you, Freck-faced person. Who are you?"
"I am Rufferto! I have been changed into a werelawyer." And Rufferto proceeded to tell his tale, none of which sunk into Groo's empty head -- he did not believe the freckle-faced man was Rufferto -- but the Sage understood.
At that moment Chakaal came out from behind some bushes where she had been hiding.
"Chakaal!" Shouted Groo. And he immediately began acting like a drooling idiot, even more than usual, and Chakaal hit him on the nose.
("Oh, no!") thought Rufferto, ("What is she doing here?")
"I have heard the whole story from both Groo and this man who claims to be Rufferto. But there are still many things I do not understand. How have the werewolves stayed wolves after daylight and what were those tiny bubbles that transformed them back into humans, and a cat? And how did Groo kill a werewolf with a regular sword. "
As the sun began to disappear below the horizon Sage said "'For every question there is an answer'"
"Will you knock that off!"
"Sorry, force of habit. Groo, let me look at your sword. Ah, as I suspected. I sometimes forget that Groos swords were made for King Saskima and are not the swords of a typical warrior. Look here, the Kashira (buttcap) is made of a silver alloy. Groo must have hit the wolf with the end of his sword when they fought."
"Yes, I remember. I thought it rather strange that I sliced him many times and he only fell when I thunked him on the head"
"Shut-up Groo, or I will thunk you on the head. Again! Go on Sage"
Apparently, Cole's magic was strong enough to keep the werewolves as such even in the daylight. However, manipulating a werelawyer requires far more powerful magic, hence he needed Grativo. Now, with both the Porkpie and Shades of Jake, I fear he can do anything! As for the bubbles the only explanation is that they are the Bubbles of Ho. Centuries ago lived one of the greatest mages of all time: Hydee Hydee Hydee Ho. His son, Don, wanted to follow in his fathers footsteps, but he was a pathetic sorceror to say the least. The only magic he ever conjured up was what became known as the Bubbles of Ho. When you swim through them, all supernatural forces and spells that may have been put upon you are removed, but only temporarily. From that time on, Tiny Bubbles have always been associated with Don Ho.
"What ever happened to Hydee Hydee Hydee Ho?"
"Legend has it he caught a Cab to Calloway."
"But Sage" said Chakaal "If the bubbles only temporarily remove spells and super natural powers, that means Groo will..."
At that moment the last sliver of the sun slipped below the horizon
"...turn into a werewolf."
And at that same moment Groo turned into a werewolf and Rufferto turned back into...Rufferto!
Sage looked panic stricken. "Chakaal! Groo has turned into a hideous grotesque slavering monster!
But Chakaal was nonchalant. "It's an improvement" she said. "Groo will not harm either of us. It's a cruel irony, but Groo's infatuation with me will keep us safe. And others will be safe from him as long as he is with me. I must keep this were-Groo by my side! Either that, or just kill him."
Now it was Rufferto's turn to look panic stricken. Groo merely looked stupid.
"Don't worry Rufferto, I will try to release Groo from the curse, rather than kill him. (Then, if he doesn't stop asking me to marry him, I will kill him!)"
Chakaal sighed heavily and looked up at the sky. 'Someday, Megatheos, I will get you for this!" She then hit Groo on the nose. "At least as a wolf he cannot speak of his 'undying love', although he does seem to be whining".
("...and my love for you is undying! When is the wedding to be...")
("Groo! Did you not just hear her say she might kill you? And stop trying to talk to her. You are a wolf again. She cannot understand you!")
("Nonsense Rufferto. Just because I now have four paws and am covered with fur does not mean I am a wolf.")
("But Groo, don't you notice that we can now talk to each other?")
("What is so strange about that? I talk to you all the time!")
("Oh, Groo!") (("Being in the presence of Chakaal always addles Groo. But he will come to his senses and save the day with brilliant incisive plans as always!"))
Meanwhile, Chakaal had grown restless. "Come, I cannot wait until the morning. We must go and destroy this Gnat king as soon as possible! First Arcadio, and now Groo!!! Oh yes, this Gnat-king will pay dearly." And gathering up Groos swords, she lead the Sage, Mulch, Rufferto, and were-Groo down the road to Lupo.
Meanwhile, Cole the Gnat King has set up shop in the castle of King Beeby, whom had turned into a fly. Wearing the sources of his great power, he sat upon the throne, which sat on a dais looking out over the room.
“My minions have turned back into werewolves and before the night is done I will cast a spell that will cause the night to last forever. I know not where Groo & Rufferto are, although both should be compelled to return to me. But that doesn’t really matter now that I have both the Shades and PorkPie of Jake! Bwhahahahah!”
Through a magic crystal deep within his subterranean lair, Grativo observes the scene.
“That is where you are wrong my foolish rival. One should always know where Groo is and make sure that one is very far away! This I learned from hard experience. I still can’t look at an elephant without wincing! I cannot have Cole usurp me as the most powerful sorcerer in the world, but even I cannot confront him directly while he wears the PorkPie and Shades of Jake. However, I CAN unleash the most destructive force known to mankind and that “weapon” happens to be heading straight for the Gnat king! (But man, its sure is a pain to undo lycanthropy! I mean, you’ve got to counteract the effects of the moon and supernatural powers emanating from the bowels of hell and all that kind of stuff. It taxes my powers almost as much as stopping telephone solicitations and credit card applications.)”
And so a short time later as were-Groo & co approached the castle gates…
“(Rufferto, I am feeling very strange.)”
There was a loud Bah-zoop!! And Groo turned back into Groo!
“(Hooray! Groo is Groo again!)” thought Rufferto.
“Oh no! Groo is Groo again!” said Chakaal.
While Sage said “’Bah-zoop?’”
Sage instructed Mulch to wait for them at the castle gate and to try to warn them if danger approached from the outside.
As they entered the castle…
“Chakaal, will you marr..”
“Groo if you say it, I will kill you on the spot! Now let’s move. The castle is strangely unguarded. Cole grows overconfident. Perhaps we can use this to our advantage. If only we could get the Porkpie or the Shades away from him, he would be weak enough to be defeated.”
“’Overconfidence breeds failure’” said the Sage.
“I volunteer to get the pork pie! I have been hearing a lot about this pork pie and I want it! I am famished!”
“Groo, you boulder brain, the PorkPie is a magical hat…oh, what’s the point? Fine Groo. We will split up. You find the ‘pork pie’ and bring it to us. (As long as he is around to do what he REALLY does best)”
“’The presence of a fool helps no one.’” said Sage
(“I am going with Groo”) said Rufferto
And Groo and Rufferto ran down a different hallway.
“I will show Chakaal how brilliant I am and then she will marry me. Come Rufferto, we must find the kitchen! The pork pie is sure to be there! I hope it is warm!
(“He is so smart! If only he could forget about Chakaal.”)
As Chakaal and Sage made their way toward the throne room, Chakaal said
“Sage, I have a plan, but we need to go over the details.”
“’Planning is always worth the time’”
“You know, you are really getting on my nerves!”
Meanwhile, the castle kitchen was bustling with activity as a great feast demanded by Cole was being prepared…
“Keep the fires stoked under these pressure cookers.” The head cook said to half a dozen assistants. “But watch the gages to make sure the pressure doesn’t get too high.”
His assistant responded “You know sir, theoretically, if one of these pressure cookers blew-up, it could rupture those water pipes, which in turn could cause water to pour into the Royal kilns located directly below us, which would cause a tremendous explosion large enough, perhaps, to destroy the entire castle!”
“I suppose that’s true” replied the head cook. “But with so many of us watching carefully, a bizarre and unnatural disaster would have to descend upon us for such a thing to occur.”
The kitchen door banged open!
“I am Groo and I am descending upon you!”
“GROO!!!!” Shouted everyone in the kitchen. And they all ran, except the head cook, who was cornered by Groo and Rufferto.
“I want pork pie and I want it now!”
(“What does he mean ‘pork pie’? Oh well, it doesn’t matter. He will kill me anyway.”) Thought the cook. “We do not have pork pie handy, but I will be glad to, uh, make you some. Let me take you to where we keep the livestock penned up for slaughter and you can even select the pig you want. But first let me release the pressure from…”
“No ‘but firsts’. Take me to the livestock pens. NOW! You must hurry and make the pork pie so I can take it to Chakaal. At least the part I don’t eat first.”
And so they went the short distance down the hall to the slaughtering room, which contained a large pen of pigs.
“Wow! Look at all that warm pork! I want that one. No, that one. No, wait…”
And while he was trying to decide which pig the wanted, the pigs grew hysterical, broke out of the pen, and stampeded out the door.
“Hey, you pigs, come back here! Rufferto! Bring the cook!” And so Groo chased after the pigs followed by the reluctant cook and Rufferto.
Meanwhile…
“Your plan is very risky, Chakaal” said the Sage. “I have no doubt it will ultimately work, but it is the timing relative to our safety that concerns me.”
“ ‘A worthy goal is always worth the risk.’” said Chakaal.
“Touché.”
Chakaal and the Sage burst into the throne room.
“Intruders!” Shouted Cole. “You are beneath my powers to deal with. Kill them, my pets.” And the werewolves started towards them. Fenris, always wanting to impress Cole, reached Chakaal first. And was promptly sliced in half by Chakaal’s silver-coated blade.
Cole was stunned. “Ack! Hold back minions! She must have a magic sword. I will deal with her myself!”
“Hold, fool.” Said Chakaal. “Before you launch your puny powers, know with whom you deal!” I am Linn, sorceress and holder of the ancestral title of Aretha, and this is Charles, sorcerer and holder of the ancestral title of Rey. Together, we rule the Kingdom of Sole. I will be frank, a trait for which I am so famous, my subjects have added it to my name and tile. We have come to destroy you!
"So, you are the Aretha, Frank Linn and the Rey, Charles, Queen and King of Sole, eh?" said Cole
"That is correct."
“I have heard of you, although you don’t appear as I imagined, but now that I have the Shades and Porkpie of Blue Jake, not even you can stop me! Compared to me, you are the ones with puny powers.”
“Watch your tongue!” said Chakaal. “I demand respect! R-e-s-p-e-c-t. Find out what it means to me.”
"Yeah", Chimed in the Sage “Hit the road Jack, and don’t you come back no more, no more, no more, no more!”
"What you say?" said, Cole, but then he looked at Chakaal consideringly. "You are a strong and striking woman. I will be frank with you as well. Let us kill the old man and then you can marry me. With our combined powers, we can rule the world!"
("What is this, Ask Chakaal to Marry Me Week?") thought Chakaal. ("But this is working out better than I hoped. If only we can keep up this ruse long enough for the inevitable to occur.") "Hmm. Your idea has merit, Cole." The Sage suddenly looked startled. Whether it was real or feigned Chakaal did not know. "But you must show me you are worthy. Use the implements of Blue Jake to overcome the ancient powers of darkness. Remove the curse of lycanthropy from your minions here and all others under your control. Such a display of power would be most...intriguing." She tried to be suggestive with this last phrase, though it was totally out of character."
"Ha, an easy task!" Said Cole. And after a few quick hand motions and archaic phrases, the werewolves all turned back into their human forms except for Tabi, of course, who turned back into a cat. For a few moments, they all looked as though they felt a little light-headed and sick to their stomachs. "There, now it is your turn to show me YOU are worthy. Change them back!"
("Uh-oh, time is up.") thought Chakaal. And she began to whirl her sword around as if conjuring up a spell but with the actual intent of hurling it like a spear at Cole in a desperate, and almost certainly futile attempt to slay him.
But before she could launch her sword there was a commotion outside the throne room. Suddenly, the door burst open and several dozen squealing pigs raced into throne room, scattering in every direction. The former werewolves also scattered to get out of their way and general chaos and pandemonium ensued. Right behind the pigs came Groo. ("It's about time!") Thought Chakaal.
"Hey, you pigs! Come back here and let me slay you! Oh, hi Chakaal, Sage. I do not have a pork pie yet, but I am working on it! "
Right behind Groo came the reluctant cook, guided by a menacing Rufferto. ("I felt a little light-headed and sick to my stomach for a moment, but now I am fine and Groo and I will save the day, as always!") thought Rufferto.
"What is going on here?" Screamed Cole above the chaos. "You two are not the Queen and King of Sole! I will crush you all like gnats! I will...."
Suddenly, there was a low, powerful rumble that shook the room. "Earthquake!" someone shouted. But the cook yelled out, "It is not an earthquake! Groo set off a chain of events that has caused the royal kilns to explode. We must get out of here!!!!" And the room became even more chaotic as everyone started racing toward the doorway.
"Stop you fools" Shouted Cole. "I will use my power..." Another explosion shook the throne room and Cole had to steady himself to keep from falling over. Seizing the opportunity, Rufferto nimbly raced up the dais upon which Cole stood, leapt up and snatched the Pork Pie from Cole's head.
"Good job Rufferto!" said Chakaal "Now let's get out of here!" And they all ran out the door, including Groo, who was still chasing a pig, leaving Cole screaming and ranting in the throne room. As they reached the castle gate where Mulch was waiting, there was a final muffled explosion and the entire castle began to fall in on itself amidst much belching smoke and fire. Chakaal took the Pork Pie of Blue Jake from Rufferto and hurled it into the conflagration.
"Huzzah for Chakaal!!" shouted the former werewolves, castle servants and gathering townsfolk. "Cole the Gnat King has perished and the werewolf curse has been lifted!" Tabi meowed loudly as the sun began to rise.
("Chakaal always gets all the credit. Groo was the real hero!") Thought Rufferto as he looked around. ("Where is Groo anyway?") For the wanderer was nowhere to be seen.
("I helped Groo slay a golem") Tabi proudly said to Rufferto.
("Big deal") Said Rufferto, always jealous of Groo's companionship. (I have helped him slay countless dragons and entire armies!")
"Thank you, people of Lupo" said Chakaal. "But now I must leave. (Quickly, before Groo returns.)"
"I will direct him down the road you take Chakaal". said the Sage. "That way, he is will be least likely to actually go in that direction and find you". And with that, Chakaal turned and trotted away.
Shortly thereafter, Groo returned, a dead pig slung over his shoulder. "Chakaal, where are you? We can now make that pork pie you wanted so badly. Then we can get married! Wow, look at the ruins of that castle. And I was in it for such a short time!"
"Chakaal had to leave." Said the Sage. "She went down that road. Now I must be off too. Farewell Groo. ("May our paths never cross again, though I fear I will not be that lucky.")
"Well Rufferto, it is just you and I again".
("As it should be Groo")
I guess I have lost Chakaal once more"
("You are better off without her Groo.")
"Oh, well. We have this warm pork! Let us start a fire and eat. I am famished."
("Yes, that is a great idea! You are so smart Groo")
And with that, Groo and Rufferto started a fire and settled into a morning of feasting and belching.
"Hey, and what did Fenris mean 'Slow of mind'?".
EPILOGUE
Immediately outside the castle of Queen Grooella,
“I, Macha, demand that you turn over Arcadio to me or I will destroy your castle stone by stone!” roared Macha, backed by an army of mercenaries.
From the ramparts, Grooella bellowed back “Just try it, wart-face. As long as my brother doesn’t show up to help me, you don’t stand a chance.”,
....as they were BOTH thinking: (“That is the ugliest woman I have ever seen”).
While, at the rear castle gate a hooded Arcadio talked to Granny Groo.
“So how much will it cost to smuggle me to another continent?”
“Oh, not much at all. Just a few thousand gold Kopins and everything you own. Consider it a bargain!” said Granny Groo smiling slyly as she thought. (“That is the biggest chin I have ever seen!”)
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