by Court
Author's Note: Thanks for all the incredible feedback, and fondness for my story. I'm nearing the end finally, and it would never have been possible without all my wonderful friends and dare I say, fans? LOL. Seriously, though, the feedback means so much to me. Thanks for taking the time to read my story.
Rating: PG-13
Classification: Dawson/Joey
Summary: Dawson and Joey face the greatest threat to their relationship... Cancer.
Feedback: Dcreeker@bigfoot.com
***
An eerie uncomfortable silence fell over Dawson and Joey as they sat quietly in a nicely decorated waiting room in the Capeside General Hospital.
Joey couldn't wait to get out of there. She just wanted this nightmare to end. It really felt like a nightmare, and that any second she'd see her mother dying of cancer right before her eyes. Joey would have started crying at the mere thought, but she couldn't now. It was as if she'd cried every tear she had. She was empty.
Dawson clutched his ET collector's item tightly between his hands. He hated hospitals almost as much as Joey did. The funny smell and extra air conditioning made him sick. He assumed it was the optimist and dreamer in him. Being in a hospital faced him with the reality of death and the uncertainty of life.
He glanced at his watch for the twentieth time since they had signed in and taken a seat. Where was the damn doctor? He needed to know Joey's fate now. Each second that passed was a couple of precious moments he could be spending with Joey under happier circumstances. It was all such a waste... Cancer... What a fucking horrible disease. It ate away at people's strength, vitality, and appearance. He glanced at Joey. What if she lost her hair? It didn't matter either way. Dawson was just curious. She rarely pulled her hair back. What would she look like with none at all? Would she wear a wig? Would it be as silky as her real hair? Would she wear it to bed? How would it smell and feel against his chest as they made love?... All the what if's were driving him crazy.
Joey wrapped both arms tightly around herself. What if she was sick? What would that mean for her and Dawson? She had seen her mother slowly deteriorate in front of her and it almost killed Joey on the inside. How could she ask the same of Dawson?
Suddenly, a door swung open and a doctor dressed in a white jacket, green smock, with a stethescope around her neck, appeared.
"Josephine Potter," she read off the clipboard.
Dawson went to take Joey's hand and reassure her, but she was already up and across the room before he could do anything. The doctor smiled at Joey and ushered her into a long corridor behind her. She turned for a moment and caught sight of Dawson's open mouth and wild troubled eyes.
"Sir, is everything alright?" she asked with a concerned expression lining her features.
Dawson found his mouth was very dry. "I, uh..."
Joey appeared behind the doctor again. "That's just my boyfriend, Dr. Nelkin," she said glancing at Dawson before turning her back again.
The doctor smiled at him. "Don't worry, Josephine is in good hands now. We'll take care of her for you."
Dawson nodded absently and sunk back into the hard sofa in the waiting room. It was going to be a long day.
***
"Now, Josephine, you're concerned about a lump, correct?" Dr. Nelkin asked, making a note on her clipboard.
Joey nodded quietly. "Uh... yeah, that's why I'm here. I just want to make sure it's not, um, anything... serious," she stammered out. Doctors made her nervous, she couldn't help it. She still felt like the scared little twelve year old kid asking if her mommy was alright.
"You're sexually active, right Josephine?" she asked, pen poised to make another note.
Joey blushed. "Yeah, for a few months now. We, uh, always use protection, so... um..." she trailed off, not knowing what else to say. It was hard enough she was here. Now her impersonal doctor who insisted on calling her by her loathed full name, was inquiring about her sex life. Oh yeah, this day was going just great!
Dr. Nelkin asked a few more questions before leaving the room while Joey changed into a hospital gown that had a lovely gaping hole in the back. Joey firmly tugged both sides together and sat down on the hospital bed.
She tried to take a few calming breaths and think positively. She thought of the odds that were in her favor. She was young, fit and healthy. That had to count for something, right? But, sadly she knew that cancer made no exceptions when choosing it's victims. Her mother was a healthy, fairly young, and vitale woman before...
The harsh click of the door opening, snapped Joey from her thoughts and she prepared for her exam.
***
Dawson had browsed every magazine he could find in the waiting room, and now he knew more about how to coordinate an outfit, and what your lipstick reveals about you, than he ever wanted to know. The minutes dragged and it didn't help that clocks were all over the place, and were so loud he could hear each second tick by. He sighed in frustration. How long did these things take? Was it bad news, and Joey was taking a bunch of tests while the doctors calculated how much time she had left???
Dawson kicked his foot into the coffee table, causing it to wobble and the other patients to eye him warily. He didn't care. Nothing mattered but Joey.
***
An hour later, Joey was wheeled back out into the waiting room, gauze taped under her arm. Dawson's eyebrows nearly shot off his head as he rushed to her side.
"Joey! Why are you...? I mean, what happened? Are you okay?" He touched her cheek gently and she recoiled from his touch.
He looked at Dr. Nelkin desperately. "What's wrong?"
"Well, we're not sure if anything is wrong with Josephine here. I examined the lump and told her I was concerned and wanted to order a biopsy of it. The lump really could be anything... An ingrown hair for example... But, with her family's medical history; grandmother and mother dying of cancer at young ages, I really wanted to make sure everything was okay. Josephine agreed and we did the test," Dr. Nelkin informed Dawson while Joey stared at the wall disinterestedly. He gazed back down at Joey.
"Is she in pain? I don't really know what a biopsy is...," he said, looking for answers he knew Joey wouldn't provide at the moment.
Dr. Nelkin shook her head. "She might be in slight pain, but nothing major. A biopsy is a simple procedure. Not to worry, she'll be fine soon."
Dawson nodded his head. "Can I take her home?"
The doctor nodded, and helped Joey out of the wheelchair. "Sorry about the ride Joesphine, but it's hospital procedure. So, I'll call you as soon as the tests come in. Try to be positive, okay?"
Joey gave a slight nod of the head silently. Dawson eagerly shook the doctors hand, and wrapped his other around Joey.
"Thanks for everything, doctor."
Dr. Nelkin smiled and then walked away, disappearing into another patients room.
Dawson pulled Joey to him for a huge hug, careful not to touch her under arm with the gauze on it. "Thank God that's over. Joey, are you sure you're okay?"
She nodded again, not meeting his eyes. She walked over to the sofa and picked up ET, holding him close. "Let's just go home."
***
She didn't say another word the way home despite Dawson's many efforts. It was beginning to get on his nerves. He loved her; so why wouldn't she just answer his questions and ease his mind? He'd do the same for her.
"So, after the biopsy... By the way, what exactly was that again?... what did the doctor say?"
Joey stared out the window, barely acknowledging him. Her arm hurt, and she just wanted to go home and forget about it. "I don't remember," she replied, dodging another one of his questions.
"Don't remember what the biopsy was, or don't remember what Dr. Nelkin said afterward?" he insisted.
She sighed, growing aggravated. "I don't know. I'm too tired to think now, okay?"
He grimaced but bit his tongue. He wasn't going to pressure her to give more than she could.
"Okay, Jo. Just close your eyes and rest. You've had a long day. I'll have you home soon."
She yawned. "Yeah, just wake me up when we're there."
Dawson watched as she curled up on her side and rested her head on the glass. He smiled at her and drove extra carefully so not to disturb her. After ten minutes he shut off the engine and turned to her again.
"Jo..." he whispered.
"Hmm?" she stirred. "Am I home?" she asked, raising one eyelid.
He smiled. "Yes, you're home."
She weakly gave a small smile, opening both eyes. "Good, I can't wait to crawl into my be and..." she paused, taking in her surroundings. They were at the Leery's house. "What the hell, Dawson!" she exclaimed, getting out of the car and slamming the door shut behind her.
Dawson frowned. "What?"
She rolled her eyes. "I asked you to take me home and leave me to think and now look where I am!"
"Jo, my home is your home..." he said softly, not expecting this tirade from her.
She groaned. "Save the romantic cheeseball lines for another time. I just want to go home. To my home. Where I live."
Dawson's blood began to boild and he couldn't help himself. All his frustration was coming to a head. He jumped out of the car, slamming the door behind him furiously.
"Joey, what do you want from me!" he screamed. "I'm your boyfriend. I care about you more than anyone. I just want you to be happy and healthy. What is so wrong with that?" Dawson let the frustration get the best of him, and he couldn't stop it now. "Joey, I love you and it is absolutely killing me to see you go through this. I can't let you go through it alone."
She narrowed her eyes but spoke softer this time. "What if that's what I want?"
He sighed. "I don't know anymore. I just wish you would realize how this is hurting me too. Consider my feelings when you shut me out. You're not the only one in pain."
At those last few lines, Joey's eyes widened and she snapped. She had heard enough, and fighting with Dawson only made this day from hell even worse.
"Consider you ? You're not the only one in pain? Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't see gauze taped under your arm from an unfriendly nurse stabbing you with needles. And how dare you ask me to consider you. That's all I do! Get your head out of the damn clouds and take a look around you for a change. This is reality. Don't you realize that's why I shut you out? I'm scared shitless, Dawson. So, don't tell me about how I don't consideryou. I'm trying to save you the pain. If you really want to know how it feels, then think about having to visit Gale at her grave site everytime you need her. Maybe then you'll feel my pain and understand why I shut you out."
Dawson's heart was breaking for her. "Oh God, Jo... I'm so..."
"No!" she said forcefully. "Fuck you, Dawson. I don't want to hear it," she whispered sadly, turning away from him and making a mad sprint for her rowboat leaving Dawson speechless and alone.
***
He should have known she'd be here... If she wasn't in his closet, there was only one other place she could have gone. The Ruins.
They had some great memories of this place. Late night skinny-dipping, picnic lunches, long conversations filled with enough subtext to make your brain ache... Great memories. Dawson just hoped that they could make another one.
She was sitting on their bench gazing aimlessly out at the moonlit creek. How had things gotten so out of hand? He never meant to hurt her so badly. Loving someone means hurting them the most too sometimes unfortunately. In a way, he understood why she shut him out.
He stepped behind her tentatively. "Joey?"
She didn't move, which wasn't a really bad sign. At least the sound of his voice didn't repel her, although he wouldn't blame her if it had.
"Joey, I am so sorry. I can't even begin to describe to you adequately enough how sorry I am. I was so wrong to take my frustrations out on you."
She turned to look at him. "Dawson, what do you want me to say? I just don't know if I can do this. It hurts too much to hurt you, and be hurt by you."
He hung his head, looking into her teary eyes. "God, Jo, please forgive me... I am so sorry. I--"
"Stop it! Just stop it already. Your 'I'm sorry's' and 'It's going to be okay's' are not going to magically make me better. I'm sick of hearing them. Don't you see that this is real? You can't script the perfect ending and miraculously cure me. It just doesn't work that way."
Dawson faltered a moment, but stepped closer to her and reached for Joey's hand. "I love you," he whispered with tears brimming in his eyes.
She felt herself melting; giving in to his sweet nothings... but then she stopped herself because to her that's exactly what they were sweet nothings.
"I don't love you, Dawson... I can't love you," she whispered back, pushing him away with one arm. Her mouth twitched as she said the words.
He shook his head and reached for her again. He wasn't going to let her push him away, and suffer alone. "Don't or can't, Joey?"
She glared into his eyes and swallowed down the lump in her throat. How could she tell him these things? Why wouldn't he just go away? "Dawson, just leave me alone," she said evenly, wiping her eyes. Her heart ached for him to hold her close, but her head told her that it would only bring them both more pain. She felt herself going through the same dilemma Dawson had experienced right before they got together for the first time. What should win out here? Her head or her heart?
"I understand you're hurting, Jo. I just want to help. You say you can't love me, okay, I accept that for now. I have enough love for the both of us. But when you tell me to leave you alone, that's the one thing I can't do," Dawson moved closer to her on the bench and this time, she didn't move away.
"Joey, you are my world. You're more important and precious to me than the air I breathe. That's why I can't leave you alone. I love you too much, don't you see? You are my life," he said, reaching up to cup her face. Dawson gently turned her to look at him.
Her lower lip was quivering and despite all the turmoil she was feeling about everything, she was sure of one thing. She couldn't live without Dawson. His face broke out into a grin when he saw the love in her beautiful hazel eyes mirroring his own. They locked gazes for a moment, and then she slowly leaned in for a gentle kiss. He happily accepted her soft lips onto his own. A moment later they broke apart and he kissed her eyelids as he had before when she cried. When her eyes opened to look at him something happened to Dawson. He knew that he was looking into the eyes of the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. It scared him because he didn't know if she felt the same way. Dawson caressed her cheek tenderly as he debated internally.
She read the look on his face immediately. "What? Dawson, what's wrong?" she said, examining him and seeing doubt in his eyes. "I'm sorry for overreacting... I'm just scared that's all and unfortunately when I'm scared I don't think properly and I end up pushing away the people that I love and need the most. Actually just the one person I love and need," she smiled crookedly at him, and leaned over to kiss his forehead.
He smiled at her for a moment before moving away from her on the bench. She watched as he stood up in front of her, assuming he wanted to leave. Joey started to move from her spot, but he shook his head and told her to stay seated. Dawson laughed nervously and pushed his hair out of his eyes. Joey looked at him curiously and then her eyes widened.
Dawson's heartbeat pounded in his ears as it sped up. He took a deep breath and focused on Joey in front of him. Suddenly, he felt calmer. He loved her and he knew that she loved him too. It was all he ever needed or wanted. Dawson crouched down in front of Joey on one knee.
"I can't believe I'm doing this now," he admitted, smiling apologetically and shaking his head. "I don't even have the ring or the perfect script. I wanted this to be perfect for you, because that's what you deserve. I want you to be happy... Just your smile is enough for me. So, I apologize if this comes out all jumbled, but I have to do this now. It can't wait any longer."
Joey closed her eyes briefly. She had to be dreaming. When she opened her eyes, though, he was still there, down on bended knee and professing his love for her. She almost pinched herself.
Dawson stared deeply into her eyes, finding the strength to continue. "I love you, Joey. And I know I'll never stop. This whole terrible ordeal did have a silver lining to it. It made me realize that I can't live without you. Before you say anything, I promise you I'm not doing this because of the situation. I want to be with you no matter what... Regardless of some test results, I want you. Always. I want you as my wife, the mother to my children, and as my best friend for life. I promise to love, honor, and cherish you forever. I will never hurt you in any way, and I'll always be here for you as you've been there for me. Your love and friendship have been the only things that kept me sane, happy and grounded these past eighteen years. I've always loved you, even though sometimes I was too clueless or scared to admit it," he smiled shakily and reached for her hand, caressing the top of it with his thumb.
"I know we're just out of high school and have our whole lives ahead of us... But Joey, this feels right. I want to continue waking up next to you for the rest of my life... You were right, you know. All the answers to life aren't found in a Speilburg film. I found my answer to everything I've ever dreamed about and needed more than anything, right here in front of me. There is no way I'm ever letting you go. For better or worse, richer or poorer, and in life and death... Josephine Samantha Potter, will you marry me?"
Dawson finished and held his breath, staring intently at her. He didn't know what he would do if she laughed at him. They were so young after all; too young for marriage now. But eventually when the time was right, he wanted to call his companion, lover and best friend for the past eighteen years, his wife. He just hoped she wouldn't think he was getting ahead of himself. He looked back at her and a huge smile broke out on his face. Joey was crying and smiling through her tears.
He appraised her quickly, trying to decipher her expresssion. Tears ran down her face causing her mascara to run and her eyes to become red and blotchy. But, she was smiling, and Dawson had never seen a more beautiful image in his life. He wrapped his arms around her tightly and she pulled back and met his lips in a passionate kiss. A few moments later she pulled back again and studied his face lovingly. Dawson laughed nervously and licked his lips.
"I'm assuming that's a 'yes,' Jo," he grinned, nuzzling her nose with his.
She giggled despite herself. "Yes! I... Dawson, I love you so much. Of course I want this. I want you for the rest of our lives."
Dawson's heart pounded at the words, 'rest of our lives,' but his smile didn't falter. He sat back down next to her and pulled her into his lap.
"For the rest of our lives..." he murmured softly, tightening his grip on her as he rested his head next to hers to stare out at the peaceful moonlit creek.
***
