Loving, Losing and Living part 10

Loving, Losing, and Living part 10
by Court
***

Author's Note: Nearing the end of the series, I swear ;o) Thanks for the feedback that keeps me motivated and encouraged. It really helps. And as always a huge thank you to all my friends who have helped me throughout this journey.

This is a short part, and the next will be seen through Joey's eyes only. Feedback to dcreeker@bigfoot.com much appreciated as always.
***

A gentle knock on her door awoke Joey the next morning. Normally, she would be upset, but she had barely slept the night before so it really didn't matter. Dreams and unanswered questions swimming through her brain had kept her up all night.

Dawson had walked her home that night from the Ruins. As much as she needed him, she needed time to think about everything that had happened. He nodded his understanding and with one last kiss and warm embrace he left her alone with her thoughts.

Joey went inside and found Bessie waiting up, sitting on the couch reading a book, the untouched meals she had made for them were now wrapped in saran wrap on the dinner table. Yawning, Joey quickly explained what had happened with the doctor, then apologized for being late to dinner. Seeing her fatigue, Bessie understood, and let her wander off to bed.

For a long time, Joey sat on her bed in silence. She didn't know what to feel anymore. Should she be happy because of Dawson's proposal of everything she had always wanted and dreamed about? Or should she be terrified about the possible outcome of her biopsy test? Finally, she changed into an old shirt Dawson had left behind once, and crawled into bed hoping to have a dreamless night.

Now, sitting up in bed she squinted through the early morning sun rays streaming through her blinds and into her room, and called out to the person at her door. A quick glance at her alarm clock, told her it was eight o'clock in the morning. She smiled to herself, thinking it was Dawson excited about some big breakfast in bed he was planning for her in the kitchen. She was sure he would come bursting into her room, some ridiculous chefs hat on his head, smiling, and holding a plate of eggs and bacon in his hand. So, it came to her as a big shock when Pacey opened the door.

"Hey," she said, feeling a bit startled. This was a bit strange. She and Pacey had always been friends, but never really close. Their relationship had become a little strained since she and Dawson started hanging out more and more by themselves over the years, and now as a couple. Neither had meant to hurt him, but it was inevitable to begin to pair off and see less of each other. He had always teased her about Dawson when he wasn't in the know about her feelings for him, but he also supported and encouraged them to get together. For that, she would always be grateful to Pacey.

He gave her a friendly smile, examining her mussed up hair, pale face, and white piece of gauze sticking out from under her t-shirt. When he talked to Dawson last night, he had filled her in on Joey's trip to the doctors, but it still shocked him a little to see her so fatigued. He smiled again, encouraging her to smile back this time. "How's it going? How are you?"

Joey shrugged, biting her lip unconsciously. She was so sick of people asking how she was. But, she held her tongue, knowing it wasn't right to lash out at Pacey. He wasn't the problem. "About as well as I can be. Thanks."

He nodded and she looked at him curiously, then patted a spot on her bed. "You can come in. I don't bite," she joked in a half-hearted attempt at lightening the situation.

That was the Joey he knew. She'll beat this, he thought. She's a fighter. "That's my job, right? he grinned, sitting next to her.

She groaned, pretending to mock him. Joey was actually kind of relieved that their conversation so far was very light. She got enough of the deep soul-searching with Dawson sometimes...although, he was very cute when he put on his analytical face and she couldn't help but jump him. She smiled wistfully at the thought of happier, more carefree times in her life.

"Very funny. So...what's up? I mean, not to be rude, but it's not exactly a normal thing for you to just pop into my bedroom in the morning." Joey eyed him suspiciously, knowing there was something more going on that he wasn't telling her.

"Yeah, well... Um, Dawson told me about your, uh, condition, and I wanted to come by and offer you my sympathy. That really sucks, Joey. I'm sorry."

She tensed for a moment, feeling the all too familiar fear and rage in equal measure pass over her body, but instead she forced it back and rolled her eyes, pulling the covers tighter around her. "Dawson's nothing if not melodramatic," she laughed. "But, I guess that's part of his charm..." She paused, "Anyway, Pacey I'm okay. Well, at least I'm hoping I am. I'll probably find out today."

He nodded solemnly. "Well, I'll keep my fingers crossed for you."

Well, she definitely needed the luck. She gave him a small smile. "Uh, thanks Pacey."

"Sure," he said, getting up. "Well, I have to be at work soon. Dawson talked me into taking another one of his shifts."

She smirked, "Another part of his charm, huh?"

Pacey grinned. "I'm not so sure about that," he said, turning to leave. "Oh, I left something for you in the living room. I hope you like it. Later, Joey. I hope everything is okay with you."

"Bye, Pacey," she said, furrowing her brow as she watched him leave. What was that all about, she wondered. It was sweet of him to come by, just a little unusual. Shrugging, she climbed out of bed and padded through the halls.

"Bessie?" she called, smelling the floral aroma of her sister's perfume lingering in the air. She walked into the kitchen, rubbing her eyes tiredly. She remembered Pacey's mentioning of a gift in the living room, so she squinted in the light to see what it was.

"Oh my..."

Joey looked around the room, amazed at the sight in front of her. Hundreds of sweet smelling beautiful flowers of every color decorated the small living room. In the center, on the coffee table was one single red rose with a note strung around it. Breathless, she smelled the rose again, opening the note.


Joey,

Please don't be mad at me for sending Pacey over this morning. I wanted to surprise you. So? Did it work? Are you grinning from ear to ear? I hope so. I did this in hopes this brighten your day, as you do , each and every of mine.

I'm in my room if you need me. Popcorn cooked and ET on standby, ready to be popped into the VCR. Come over and relax if you want. I'd love to see you. I won't pressure you, Joey. You know where to find me. Just follow your heart, because mind is connected to yours forever.

Love your fiance (sorry, couldn't resist...)
Dawson
***

"So, did she look happy when she saw the flowers?" Dawson asked anxiously, pacing around his room.

Pacey groaned, running his fingers through his hair. Dawson's endless questions were starting to get on his nerves. This was the last time he got up at the butt crack of dawn to decorate anyone's girlfriend's house with flowers. "Well, I don't know. Since you had me hiding behind a bush to see her reaction afterward, it was kind of hard to see since the stupid branches kept poking me in the eye."

Ignoring his sarcasm, Dawson flopped back down on his bed.

"Man, you have got to stop brooding! You reached out to her. It's done, now you gotta wait till she comes to you."

Dawson sighed, eyes resting on the framed picture of Joey on his bedstand. "What if she doesn't?"

"She will. The Joey Potter I've known my whole life has always been in love with you. She may be a stubborn smartass, but she is a softie underneath. You know these things, Dawson. You've been with her for about three years now. So, don't worry. Give her a little time and she'll be ready."

He nodded, choking back the fear in his throat. There was so much at stake... Losing Joey's heart... losing Joey... He vowed never to let her slip away from him. No matter how fast and hard she ran away from him and her feelings, he would always catch her. Joey Potter was going to know a lifetime of Dawson loving her. It was the least he could give her, and he hoped it was all she'd ever need.

"I know. I'm just scared. I can't lose her."
***

"Joey?" Bessie called out as she entered the house, Alexander clutching her right hand, noticing the floral scent of flowers right away. She shook her head in amusement. What had Dawson done this time? Her baby sister was one lucky girl. No one had ever sent her flowers like that. She figured Dawson Leery was Capeside Floral's most valued customer. He probably even had a VIP membership card.

"In here," Joey called from the living room, hearing the steps approaching.

Bessie stepped into the living room, not the least bit fazed at the flowers everywhere. She smirked. "Dawson bought out the flower shop again, huh?" Bessie smiled, seeing her sister twirl a rose in her hand.

Joey looked up. "Hi Bess."

Bessie bent down eyelevel with Alex and told him to go play in his room while she talked to his big sister. He nodded happily and bounded off down the hall. It had been almost four years now since Bodie had left, and although each day was hard and she hated seeing Alex grow up without a father figure, she managed the best she could and he was turning out to be a great kid.

"How are you feeling?" Bessie asked, looking at her sister in concern.

Joey grinned, pulling her feet up underneath her. "Better now," she said, motioning to the flowers surrounding her.

Bessie sat down on the couch next to Joey. "You going to visit him later?"

She twirled the flower carefully, noticing how each petal was so fragile and delicate. "Yeah. I think I will."

Bessie nodded. "Good. I'm sure he'll be thrilled to see you."

Joey crinkled her forehead, raising an eyebrow. "How do you know?"

She laughed. "Joey! Look around you. This is amazing. God, I can only imagine how many flowers he'd order for your wedding!" she joked. Joey couldn't help but smile, thinking about the previous night.

"So anyway," Bessie continued, this time growing serious. "I have something for you also."

Joey held her hand up. "No, Bess. I'm fine. You don't have to do anything special for me. Dawson only did this because, well, he's Dawson."

Bessie shook her head, silencing her sister. "It's not from me." She paused, taking Joey's hand. "It's from Mom."

Joey's heart began to thud in her chest, and her mouth felt as dry as the Sahara desert. Bessie's grip on her hand tightened, and she felt her palms begin to sweat.

"Mom?" she whispered.

Bessie nodded, knowing this was the perfect time. Her sister was going through so much right now, and although she had mothered Joey for the past six years of so, she knew she could never replace their real mother. "I'll be right back," she said, getting up from the couch.

Joey gulped, chewing nervously on her bottom lip in anticipation. Bessie was giving her something from their mother. Something tangible that she could clutch close to her heart whenever she felt sad and needed her mother. And, oh God, she needed her right now.

She tried to compose herself when Bessie returned, holding up a velvet gray box. Carefully, she opened it, revealing sparkling rosary beads nestled within. Joey drew in a breath, touching them delicately.

"I know we're not very religious, but Mom was, and she wanted you to have these one day. I can't think of a better time than now to give them to you," Bessie explained, looking at her sister sympathically. She fought back a sob that rose to her throat. It wasn't time for that. Crying wouldn't help Joey right now, so she tried to be strong.

Joey smiled, feeling her cheeks wet with fallen tears. "Thank you. This means so much to me," she whispered, fingering the smooth round beads and cross. "So very much."

Bessie nodded again, afraid to open her mouth for the fear of the cries tumbling out. She took a deep breath and tried to compose herself. Joey still was holding the rosary, in awe of it.

"I miss her, Bess," she whispered softly, not bothering to wipe her eyes. Bessie handed her a tissue, and pulled her close. Sniffling in unison, the Potter sisters shared a close embrace during this tender moment of remembrance.
***

A draft of warm stuffy air filtered into Dawson's cool room, and he looked up from his position at the computer to see Joey crawl into his window. Quickly saving his new script, he shut down his computer and took off his new reading glasses.

"Hey," he smiled brightly.

"Hey," she said, sitting on the bed. She twiddled with her hair for a moment, unsure of what to say. "So, you'll not believe what happened to me this morning," she grinned, sitting back on his bed as he joined her.

"What?" he said, coyly.

Joey threw him a sideways glance, shrugging playfully, "I think Pacey has a crush on me. He brought me hundreds of flowers this morning."

Dawson raised an eyebrow, snuggling closer to Joey. "Are you kidding me? How do you know?"

"Well, for starters I saw him hiding in my bushes outside, watching me, after he left. Dawson, I don't know what he's thinking. But if he thinks he can win me over with flowers he's majorly deluded," Joey smirked.

"What? I just may have to kick his ass now," he exclaimed, holding back a grin, kissing her forehead. "I wonder what he was thinking?"

"Yeah, me too," she said airily, not offering anymore information. Dawson watched as she tried to get comfortable on his bed and picked up his stuffed shark, tossing it in the air.

Dawson cleared his throat nervously. "So, uh, what did you think of the flowers?"

She shrugged between tosses. "They were nice."

He nodded, thinking of how much money he had spent on 'nice' flowers. "Ah... I see."

Joey threw the shark at him, laughing as it bounced off his head. She sighed, moving closer to him, resting her head down on his chest, hiding her grin after seeing the look on his face. "Course, I'd think they were absolutely beautiful and incredibly sweet if they were from you."

He broke out into a huge grin. "I'll have to keep that in mind then."

She laughed, toying with the buttons on his shirt. She wanted to be close to him... To feel him all around her. It gave her a sense of power and an incredible feeling of joy and security. She knew it wasn't the right time though. Tonight, she just wanted him to hold her, and tell her it was going to be okay. His sweet nothings, would have meaning, and be exactly what she needed. Joey knew that these feelings would never go away. What they had was forever.... she hoped God would allow her that.

"It's getting late now, huh?"

He glanced over at the clock on his nightstand. "Only a little after eight, Jo."

She yawned, clutching him closer to her. "Yeah... Well, I guess I'm just a little tired."

"Just rest then, baby," he whispered, turning the light off beside him and stroking her hair tenderly. "How are you feeling?"

"Besides sleepy, I'm fine. I didn't do much today. Just went for a walk and thought about stuff."

"Must have been a long walk," he commented, brushing his fingers tenderly over her cheek.

"I needed to think, that's all. It can get a little hectic at home, you know."

"Mmm," he murmured, feeling her stroke his chest lightly. Her short nails skimmed over his body, soothingly. She knew he was just as scared as she was. They both needed comforting.

"Thanks for giving me time by myself today. I really needed it. But... I need you too."

"I need you, Joey. But if having you means giving you space, I will do that for you."

She unbuttoned a few buttons on his shirt and kissed his chest. He felt so good. She loved being close to him like this. "Thank you." She was glad she had come over. They needed each other. "Dawson, about last night..."

"Yes, Mrs. Leery?" he joked, wrapping both arms around her.

"Hey, who said I'm changing my name?" she tickled his sides, prompting him to squirm a little.

"Okay, that can be negotiated later. So, what were you thinking about?"

"Well, Mr. Potter," she teased, then grew silent for a few moments, and Dawson knew what was coming. "I was thinking about what happens tomorrow... When, I get those results... I just don't want you to give anything up for me."

"It's not called giving up things, it's called loving you," he said, emphatically with the emotion creeping into his voice.

"Dawson," she sighed.

"I want to be with you no matter what, we'll work it all out, okay? Just rest now."

She knew he was right. They couldn't decide now. There were too many uncertainties. She was just glad that their relationship wasn't one of them. Joey yawned sleepily. "I love you. Goodnight." Joey settled back down against his warm and inviting chest, and was lulled off to sleep by his gentle stroking of her hair.

"I love you, too, Joey," he murmured, kissing the top of her head, and saying a silent prayer as he drifted off to sleep also.
***
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