***
The tape ended, but Joey didn't move. She was frozen. She sniffled, and
realized that tears were beginning to run down her face. She angrily wiped
them away as Dawson walked back in the room.
Joey felt like she was glued to Dawson's bed for a eternity. She couldn't
move a muscle in her body. She just couldn't wrap her brain around what
she had just seen.
How could she have not seen it? She was thoroughly disgusted with herself.
She felt like such a fool.
That scene, she remembered, was from one of Dawson's first films. He had
written and directed it, and she and Pacey had starred in it with a few
other people. It was supposed to be a cheesy romantic/action adventure movie.
She had to blink back tears when remembering that particular scene. The
characters of David and Victoria had these really sappy lines and she could
barely keep a straight face when saying them. She thought it was all a joke,
and it had been for Dawson too until his feelings for her had entered into
his movie fantasy. He usually didn't act in any of his movies and instead
relied on his friends to play the leads, so he never thought he'd be in
the position of saying those romantic lines to Joey. Joey, his best friend.
Joey, his *platonic* best friend.
She thought it was part of the play like it was supposed to be. There was
no way she could have known that as Dawson said those words, as mushy as
they were, he meant them. They were young, how could they even know what
love is?
Joey's heart ached and she felt nauseated. Could Dawson really have feelings
for her? Could he still? That thought excited her and scared her to death
at the same time. She could almost feel her heart rate quadruple in speed.
She tried to steady herself from shaking and started to get up to go splash
some water on her face when she saw him.
Dawson stood in the doorway to his room and looked at her, eyes full of
concern. The lines in his forehead were visible as he crinkled his brow.
Those beautiful eyes of his shined with compassion. Joey smiled weakly and
tried to act normal. She quickly glanced at the screen and sighed in relief
when she saw that it was still black from the end of the tape. He hadn't
seen what she was watching. Dawson crossed the room slowly. He paused to
put down the popcorn and drinks he was carrying. Joey looked at him warily
and sprung up from the bed as he approached. She went to stand by the TV
and crossed her arms tightly over her chest. Dawson took her seat on the
bed and frowned.
"Jo, what's wrong? I'd say that you look like you just lost you're
best friend, but seeing that I'm right here, I know that's not the case.
What happened?" he pleaded with her.
Joey couldn't look him in the eye. Her mind raced. He didn't know that she
was watching that tape. Everything would be cool, if she just acted normal.
"I'm fine, Dawson," she said. She resorted to one of her self-defense
mechanisms, and rolled her eyes at him. As she did that she realized that
they were still watery from crying, so she quickly turned her back on him
and wiped her eyes. She breathed deeply, turned around and gave him her
best smile. "So what kind of soda did you get?" Joey walked over
to look at the drinks he had brought into the room. She put her hand on
one of the glasses to lift it to her mouth. Dawson's hand clamped down on
hers lightly and she felt like a electric shock went through her.
"Joey,...you can tell me anything. Why do I have to keep telling you
this? You have to trust that I'll always be here for you. Tell me what I
can do to help."
He looked at her with such sensitivity and compassion that Joey could barely
restrain herself from grabbing him by the shirt and kissing him senseless.
Kissing him. She thought about the video and her body stiffened. She pulled
her hand away, and cast her gaze downward.
"I told you. I'm fine. There's no reason for you to worry. Trust me,
Dawson. I'm my perky, blissfully happy self," she joked.
He examined her carefully and shook his head softly. "Really? Cause
it looks to me like you were crying. Are you sure you're blissfully happy?"
His nearness was driving her crazy. She looked up longingly at him and couldn't
draw her eyes away from those incredibly kissable lips of his. Joey sighed
and walked across the room, away from him. "Just let it go, Dawson.
I can't do this....," her voice trailed off. Dawson swallowed the lump
in his throat. He went to stand behind her and gently placed a hand on her
shoulder. When she didn't shrug it off he put his other hand on her opposite
shoulder and gave it a soft squeeze.
"Jo, I wish you would let me help. You always keep everything inside
and I can tell it tears you apart sometimes. It's okay. Let me help you.
Things would be a lot easier between us if you would just talk to me. Please,
just put aside your feelings and tell me--"
Joey spun around and stepped out of his gentle caress. "Feelings? I
don't have... I didn't say anything about feelings. God, Dawson will you
ever give up!"
He was hurt when she pulled away from him and shut down once again. He felt
like he was in limbo. He could tell that they were on the edge of something.
Something new. Something exciting. Something scary. But definitely something
better than where they were now. Dawson reached out and put his arms back
around her. "'Fraid not. It's one of my most endearing qualities, don't
you think?"
She wriggled around in his grasp."You may think so, but I'm not so
sure."
"Now are you going to tell me what's wrong or should I put on that
God awful gorilla movie and torture us both? Jo, please save us from that
insanely cruel punishment. Tell me what's wrong." She relaxed against
him a bit and thought it over.
"It wasn't that bad of a movie." She paused and they both replied,
"Yes it was." Joey craned her neck up to look at Dawson and they
both laughed. He released her from his arms.
"Okay, Jo, here's the deal. We'll watch the movie you picked out and
after it's over you can tell me what's wrong if you feel like it. I'm not
letting you off the hook entirely, but the last thing I want to do is make
you feel uncomfortable around me. So how 'bout it? You game?" Dawson
flashed his most winning smile and she felt herself giving in again. She
nodded and climbed back into her position on the bed. "Great! Now what'd
you pick out?," he asked.
Joey's body, which had just begun to relax, tensed up again. "What?"
"What movie did you pick out? I can't find it." Dawson searched
through the tapes scattered on the ground by the TV.
"Um, I , uh..."
"Do you have the remote up there? Push the eject button for me, will
ya? I think I might have forgotten to put Congo away."
"Dawson, I..."
"It's the bottom button."
"Dawson!"
He turned around and shot her a curious glance. "What?"
"Um, I decided I want to talk now."
He smiled happily. "Great. I'm all ears." He jumped back up on
the bed and sat
cross-legged.
Joey wanted the earth to swallow her up. How in the world was she supposed
to get out of this one? Should she make up some bogus story as to why she
was all stressed out and emotional? Or should she tell him the truth? The
truth being that she didn't want to be just his friend. She wanted to be
able to kiss and hold him, and be in his arms. She wanted for him to love
her back. She wanted to tell him that what she felt for him was more than
friendship. It was more than a crush. It had to be love. She had fallen
in love with him. She didn't know when, how, why, or where, she just knew
that she had. She wanted to tell him that every time he mentioned Jen, or
anyone else it was as if he had stepped on her heart. It was not his fault,
she knew. He didn't know how she felt. Just like she hadn't known when they
filmed that scene in his movie.
It was all so complicated she didn't know what to do. Dawson had always
been honest with her, or as honest as he could be with her. She owed it
to him. She owed it to herself.
So she did the most unexpected thing that she ever thought she'd do. She
looked directly into his eyes, the windows to his soul, and asked,
"Dawson, do you want me?"
He gulped.
