The morning began like none other. We learned we had no school by watching channel 5 news, anchored by Latrel Spreewell Several roosters were disemboweling the farmer's pigs. He was quite sad. I hit his fat wife with a snowball. She fell down like butter. It made me quite happy. That basted whipped out his shotgun and killed Larry. Luckily we were saved by TWA flight 900, which crashed onto the angry farmer. We trekked to Kelly Field via Warren G Ave.
We proceeded down the street like it was a road. We were wielding magical turquoise dipsticks to ward off potential dangers. Our friend Ben magically teleported down to us from Russian space station Mir. The stratosphere filled with chocolate chips and Santa Claus. We tried very hard to run into cars but they stealthily dodged us. Then we tried to bake a pie but we ran out of cranberry sauce. The magical wizard Orlok challenged us to a game of rugburn against his evil stormtroopers: Dorsey "Ride me like a horsy" Levins, Baron Alexander Von Pelt, and I'mNot Brett Favre. Instead we played football against them.
During the game, which was now being played on the sidewalk of Brook Road, Levins developed hypochondria. We won by default. Orlok suddenly revealed that he was Scott Zolak and summoned an evil contraption that killed his soldiers and almost ran over Ben several times. We fled to a telephone and it didn't work right. Then an ancient seal broke and we were warped with wicked Willis Willobee while walking with weird waffly William Walker, which wasn't Willy Wonka into the netherworld. Try saying that 10 times fast.
We were perplexed by the plethora of W's. I came to discover this netherworld strikingly resembled Cleveland (the land of cleaves). We visited such places as Drew Carey's house, The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, Jabba's Palace, and God's house. In the middle of the city there was a large piece of cheese and a vacuum cleaner and much cleave. We were instantly reminded of Scott (the WaterTown pedophile).
The Netherworld gravely amused me. I was awed by the appearance of a mirror and my own pretty boy looks. A strange Green Light pulled us back to 1997 and several Trolls with three nipples invented the wheel in their own, yet to be discovered by man, continent Atlantis. Their high king, who just happened to be Sal the two fisted Llama, was very displeased with the metric system and French perfumes. He told us to deliver a message to his only human contact, Luke "Money Bags" Fortier. Suddenly it was 98 again and we were in Ottawa with Ron Tugnutt and his Siamese twin brothers (Pepe and Johnny). We partied like it was Cinco de Mayo 1978. All was like it should be in Canada (it's a silly place you see).
A strange Eskimo (who beared a striking resemblance to Andrew Cunanan) babbled something about wider being better. He was struck dead by a flying porpoise. We strutted along like butter. The butter gods were angered by our constant participation in the downfall of society. The Gods sent forth a plague of butter on the Sahara desert. It rained forty days and three nights of liquid butter. Then Vishnu said "mooooove over butter" and it stopped like butter. The butter was a blessing for it fed millions of starving Africans. Back to us in Canada.
We hitched a ride back to America by the National Guard who were in Canada restoring power after the ice storm. Instead of America we came to a hill overlooking the edge of the world. Several children and their parents were sledding, trying not to slide off into oblivion. The MTV 12 angry viewers paratrooped onto the vacinity and ruthlessly gutted the children. It was a sight for sore eyes. Poor kids. We pushed the 12 off the planet with our plastic noodles (only .99$ with your advantage card).
Our hands were cold and clammy because they were cold clams. We metamorphisized into lobster people and we spread butter all over ourselves like butter. Fall down go boom. Angry fishermen were protesting outside Wall Street because of the sudden bear market. Only Al Gore knows the truth about that. Al… Al who? Then wild bears and the bearded woman attacked the fishermen and all was peaceful. The fishermen weren't saved by floating balloons from the Macy's day parade. Don't get me wrong I'm still glad Michael Kennedy died.
Suddenly we were in Kuwait. Kuwait didn't catch our fancy so we were suddenly in Milton. Ben had to bring his cat to the vet because it got the Bubonic plague from the Rooster in paragraph one (see above). We (Me and the one who isn't typing now) traveled afar for the meaning of life but were stopped at every corner by a mob of angry Jews. The had taken over all organized crime in Massachusetts (including the roving gangs of ghetto youth that plagued Milton and Mattapan (and Mattapandolph). We avoided them by rolling a penny down the street.
Realizing there was nothing to do in Milton we went to Keith's house and wrote some story which we have yet to locate. Time for Thank You's
We would like to thank: Ben (for all the excitement and adventure), Beth (I love you), Mike (for being completely insane), Jim (keep tha flava), Joe and Keith (we love ourselves not each other), Our Lord Jesus Christ, Luke (for giving us a ride, we still have that message for you), Chris (for not having nuticles and for making my dreams of a young death reality), Lynne (why me?), Bill (throw ball), Lorraine (for seeing something in me no one else did), Karen (now I know what its like to be happy), Lauren (for making me single again), Ryan (11 years and counting),Wannamaker(making this years cheerleading squad a little bit better looking with me),Frank Sr.(for being ), Phrank Jr. (I remember meeting you in 86 at that KoRn show),Pat Riding(for giving me a raise and trying to find my lost check), Steve(for being related to Beth),Jeff Barrett(for casting me in your play, can I have your pants?),Jeff Barrett(for being the neighborly neighbor you are),Rachael(your one of us),Katie Walsh(beat up Lauren Clifford?!), Andy Beyer(stick with me and you will be me),Bobby(For driving too fast),Colleen(Oota Goota, Solo?),Andy Butler(Homey),Andy Zimmereman(hope your 4062 gets better),Caitlin Barrett(Andy Beyer is single, join us ,join us),Kaitlin(you know Keith),Caitlyn(Salutations, Nomar for President),John and Patty Gardner(for being Beth's parents),Chris and Ben(the other 2, stay cool), Maria Vera(for being in my discussion group),Theresa Vera(ha ha ha ha ha theres an H now),Heather(where's my CD),Pat O'Connor(youth group!join us),Ed McGonagle(The Voc),Ann Falzone(keep the faith, it provides salvation),Sal the Puppet(you have a better home now),MegaTron(transformers more then meets the eye),RIFTS(I will never be the same),KoRn(you were there for me like a friend),The bands on the soundtrack to my life(KoRn, Coal Chamber, Folk Implosion, Incubus,Helmet,Tool,Limp Bizkit,Onyx,Wu-Tang Clan,House of Pain,DJ Greyboy,Dust Brothers, and Cyprus Hill),Jeff Cotton (for Sudsbury), Kholliston(our sister town),Katie(my real sister), Matt(for single handedly beating Braintree),Ed (you helped shape me into who I am today, good or bad is the question),Wade(for having too many jerseys),Craig Kilborn(5 questions), Mom and Dad(we know where you live),Mom and Dad(we love you like family),Jenny Mawson(the number 7),MaryBeth McAloon(for hating my sneakers like they were men),Courtney(for not discriminating our wall at CAMPS),Jeanne Day(for being nice to me),Nick Morganelli(for being nice to Jeanne),Al Gore (Al…..Al who?), Rickerson (KAPOW), Fritz (I still miss you), Kevin Spacey (great actor), Mr.Grace (you taught me more about life then you know), Rossi (midget you got laid off), Kathleen Cronin (for being there that night), George Lucas (for the trilogy), Jabba (Jabba no babba), Mr. Noone (you made seventh grade livable), Scott Kennedy (you were my first friend), Joe Salah (R2GOD2), Paul D.Lutts (for looking like Jesus), Mike Brooks (02184), Chris Whippen (I am honored), Chris Sweeny (Onendega), Paul Murray(CAMPS loves The Voc), Needham (don't ask why,silly), Judic (I love Nova Scotia), every one we left out for space reasons, and God! WE LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Look for part three to be released the next time we have too much free time. Joe and Keith (Partners in Crime).