702. You refer to your daughter as "He".
703. Your local police chief considers Yard King a quality wheel barrow.
704. Your father told you that Walt Whitman's grave was your mother's.
705. Careful, they're ruffled!
706. People in your town are disappointed that it's not possible to build a super train between the town and Aruba.
707. Barbeque commercials have to remind viewers that snapping fingers may not make food appear.
708. When your saxophone was stolen, your father got you a jug to replace it.
709. Your father threatens you not to stop in the middle of a hoedown.
710. To couples having marriage difficulties, you recommend a comic strip called "Love Is", which is about two naked eight-year-olds who are married.
711. In your school you frequently set off Independent Thought Alarms.
712. You know those guitars that are like, double guitars, you know?
713. You hope the school spends its new money on chocolate microscopes.
714. You went to Gudger College.
715. You know a website that shows monkeys doing it.
716. You were a grade-A moron to ever question eating meat.
717. When you grow up, you want to go to Bovine University.
718. You bought a cursed child's toy that came with a free frogurt.
719. I wish I wish I hadn't killed that fish....
720. Local gangsters misinterpret the rumor heard about a local movie star " sleeping with the fishes".
721. You wish your Volvo mechanic were as reliable as your babysitter.
722. Talk to the whip!!
723. Iron helps you play.
724. When you have to choose between a winning lottery ticket for $500 and a yodel, you choose the yodel.
725. At the International House of Pancakes you bluntly pointed out that you couldn't eat the roof.
726. Impeach Churchill!!
727. This is the most exciting thing that happened to you since Haley's Comet collided with the moon.
728. You think hitchhikers are the replacement of the pole that holds up a sign.
729. Your mom thinks you're cool.
730. You consider yourself to be a god, which is why you are sitting on an ice cream sandwich.
731. Your local nursing home pulls the plug on people who haven't paid up.
732. You have seen the killing spree ending to "It's A Wonderful Life".
733. Your town creates holidays as an excuse to beat up the Irish.
734. You give post-dated checks to your friends that they can't cash until the year 10000.
735. Your local sushi restaurant has a map to the hospital on the back of the menu.
736. You consider trying the first step towards failure.
737. Your neighborhood zone allows cats, dogs, and phone-answering monkeys.
738. You make fun of your neighbor for having old paint cans in his garage.
739. Your TV gets over 200 channels, and there is nothing on but cats.
740. You paint cool stripes all over your neighbor's car.
741. You tilt your chair to celebrate a special occasion.
742. You have lived in the same house all your life, yet you have had at least 3 different house numbers.
743. You think it's funny how white people have names like 'Lenny', whereas black people have names like 'Carl'.
744. Your town can't have a meeting that doesn't result in digging up someone's corpse.
745. You drive on the wrong side of the road to make your British guest feel at home.
746. When you imagine married life you imagine yourself and your spouse driving around in a van solving mysteries.
747. 7 X 8 = low battery
748. You are confident that you are better than dirt, yet you feel you cannot compare with the storebought kind, since it's loaded with nutrients.
749. Women in your town always carry steaks in their purses, in case a dog should stroll by.
750. Your name is Mr. Burns yet you forget your first name.
751. You ruin yuppies' vacations by making them crappy candles.
752. Your neighbors sing " I've Got That Joy" in bed.
753. Hello, Joe!
754. Your boss talks to lamp posts.
755.Your religious neighbors watch moral cartoon sheep on TV. And, while they more or less accept the lessons learned, they are still skeptical of what humans should do in those situations.
756. You write the way people talk.
757. You vividly describe your conversations with Mabel to your sister.
758. You put the beer in the coconut and throw the can away...
759. You never got around to finishing painting the garage, and getting the snake out of the piano.
760. Your favorite clown's Christmas special features South American sensation Xoshasha, or Xoxishla or something like that.
761. Your father has had just about enough of your Vassar bashing.
762. You think there is no sweeter sign than "Wet Cement" or " High Voltage".
763. Your local daycare center believes that when your baby is reaching for her bottle, she is saying "I am a leech".
764. You can't wait to eat your helper monkey.
765. You're stuck in traffic: Gas break honk... Gas break honk... Honk honk punch...gas gas gas...
766. Before a hurricane strikes your town, your local convenience store is drained of all its food products except for creamed eels, corn nog, and wadded beef.
767. Old ladies mistake you for a pineapple or a pumpkin.
768. You scream at billboards in your town that say "Diet".
769. You're not even fit to take care of a houseplant.
770. On the news you are warned that the phony pope can be recognized by his high top sneakers and incredibly foul mouth.
771. When you quit your job, and then want it back, it is your company's policy to give you the plague...I mean the plaque.
772. You think the pilgrims left England because of giant rats.
773. You melt James Bond action figures in the microwave.
774. You think water is really made of H2Whoa.
775. You think Indian movies are funny because the peoples' clothes are different from your clothes.
776. You can play the shanai, and your father thinks it sounds worse than the album your grandfather released.
777. Your female talking doll has the voice of Spiderman.
778. You catch a glimpse of "Barney" one day, in which he is dancing around and singing "2 + 2 = 4", and you laugh and say " I can see why this is so popular".
779. When your favorite clown show lost 90% of its budget, they started throwing briefcases instead of pies.
780. Your grandfather found a pharmacy that carries leeches. Actually it was more of a bait shop.
781. When taking the police obstacle course, the chief wasn't watching you, because he was looking at a Magic Eye book, so you had to take it again.
782. When your grandmother gets visitors late at night, she tells you to dial 91, and then when she says so, dial 1 again.
783. You bought a jar of magic beans when you were sent out to buy insurance.
784. You gave your dog cigarettes as a science project.
785. That'll learn 'im to bust my tomater.
786. Your ears caught on fire because you wanted to see inside, and you lit a q-tip.
787. When you go to a beach oil clean-up, you were instructed to clean all of the rocks. This was aggravating to you because you had rocks that needed cleaning at home.
788. The memory of a crippled Irishman makes you laugh for 24 hours.
789. Your mental dictionary has no definition for "Recycle".
790. GO SCHOOL!!
791. You have bad memories from your childhood from when someone revealed to you that the Monkees didn't write their own songs or play their own instruments.
792. Your mother scolds you not to walk on the rocks.
793. You traded your friend's soul for Alf pogs.
794. Your best friend likes vaseline on toast.
795. You think George Washington Carver is the guy who chopped up George Washington.
796. Your father once taught you that when the sign says "Do not feed the bears", man you'd better not feed the bears.
797. Everyone at your school wants his appendix out.
798. A sign at your local cemetery says " Come for the funerals. Stay for the pie."
799. When you try to make up your own tune it always turns into "Mary had a little lamb".
800. Vote yes on prop 217.
801. Your calculator didn't have a seven or an eight.
802. Your vitamins give you rapid heartbeat.
803. You think the female moustache trimmer is "Krusteriffic"
804. But you didn't know your upper lip was suppose to bleed like this.
805. You think the slogan, "Best in the West" is funny because it rhymes
806. Shooting water from a flower was your major at clown college.
807. At night you sleep on a big pile of money with lots of beautiful ladies.
808. You saw McBain IV: Lets get silly.
809. The movie cost 80 million dollars
810. When a certain director isn't avaliable you call for his Mexican equivilant.
811. Your bus blows up when a leaf lands on it.
812. You once beat jury duty by implying that you were prejudiced against all races.
813. Bums turn into mailboxes.
814. You are afraid that the valet will steal the pennies in your ashtray.
815. There goes Albany!
816. You have been warned about teasing the order box.
817. You call constellations "Jerry the Cowboy" and "Allen the Cowboy".
818. Your boss thought you were exercising when you really had a sugar daddy stuck on your back.
819. Your grandpa fell down at the Big Boy.
820. You consider bologna and bread a buffet.
821. You are constantly reminded to vote Quimby.
822. You wash yourself with a rag on a stick.
823. When the FBI showed up at your house, you worry that it's because of the pen you took from the post office.
824. You make soothing ocean sounds that include the obnoxious squaking sound of a seagull.
825. You are impressed by blue cars.
826. Your school told you to wear Dracula fangs on picture day.
827. You got 2 male pandas to mate successfully.
828. You stole Peter Frampton's inflatable pig.
829. You attempted to sell wishbone necklaces at your local junk fair, but no one showed the slightest interest.
830. You have worn the same clothes day in day out for the last 4 years.
831. You're from Russia and you're drunk.
832. Your school is big on fruit.
833. Celebrities talk to you about long distance savings.
834. Your talking doll tried to kill you, because someone set it to "Evil".
835. Get a horse!
836. If you don't like your job, you don't strike. You just go in there every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
837. Someone dropped a pencil down your butt and you lost your train of thought.
838. Radio psychics tell everyone they will die a terrible terrible death.
839. Desserts aren't always right.
840. You have to get rid of the fireplace in your bedroom.
841. ohhhh..the hippo's missing...
842. You recognize the sound of a pig fainting.
843. A continental breakfast at your local hotel is an egg in an envelope.
844. You have seen a dog with shifty eyes.
845. You plan to write a movie script about a ghost who wins the lottery.
846. You call fires "uh-ohs"
847. You think that in the movie "Braveheart", Braveheart's army mooned the enemies until they retreated in disgust.
848. You ponder Edison's attempts to create a device to talk to the dead.
849. As a scheme to get out of work, you put a tape of yourself and your co-workers from the 70s in the security camera.
850. Your local radio station plays "The Monster Mash" on Valentine's Day.
851. There is a law in your town requiring ducks to wear long pants.
852. You have discovered the secret behind major league baseball.
853. You got some medications to increase your production of hormones and now all you want to do is fight.
854. When your teacher asks you if you know cursive, you respond that you know hell and damn and bit...
855. You know someone whose real name is Corky.
856. Your shirt "fell off" in the photo booth.
857. When your father wants to know why you have failed to make any business agreements, you burst out that you'll do it that afternoon.
858. Plan B is dressing up as a girl.
859. Your escape plans consist of rolling yourself up in a map.
860. Your answering machine message goes as follows: "Do the message! Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo...after the beep."
861. Your local scientist guy is obsessed with flubber.
862. screw Flanders
863. You believed that "Platypus Man" and "The Cosby Mysteries" were great possibilities for TV shows.
864. You work hard for the money...something something money...you work hard for the money so gimme lots of honey...
865. Your dog helps you write papers by suggesting words such as "rough", "bark", "rrrrrrr", and "chewy".
866. You go on a rampage through your town in a tank singing "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow".
867. When you try a new drink, it's like there's a party in your mouth and everyone's invited.
868. In the early hours of the morning you struggle with two-legged pants.
869. When you put a marshmallow in hot chocolate it all turns into a big chocolatey blob.
870. You saw a movie about a guy who goes in a submarine and a pirhana swims down the parascope ans bites the guy in the eye, and he goes "Auuugghh! Auggghh!" and that old lady kept telling him it would happen.
871.You think "Itchy" is the name of a car.
872. You try to pass off twizzlers mounds bars and jolly ranchers as sprinkles on your donut.
873. You have a watch with a minute hand and the time is 12:80.
874. People in your town laugh like crazy when someone mentions serious injuries.
875. Lethal Weapon 2 taught you that suicide can be funny.
876. You can tell what is written on a cake from the smell of it.
877. You can hear pudding.
878. Only your father could start a job at a small town newspaper and become a target of international assassins.
879. You have seen the cane from citizen Kane.
880. Your boss addresses his employees by the color of their shoes.
881. Your boss and his assistant get into frequent money fights.
882. You hide beer inside your toilet.
883. Frogs give your dog gas.
884. You and your partner make a groin-grabbingly good team.
885. You spread rumors that the local sanitation commissioner lured a bunch of children into his gingerbread house.
886. Your grandpa can take off his underwear without taking off his pants.
887. You invented a time-traveling toaster.
888. You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.
889. When you got married you promised your wife her harvesting days were over.
890. You took a home shoe repair course in high school.
891. People in your town worship Special K.
892. You know someone whose kids are named Tiffany, Heather, Cody, Dylan, Dermott, Jordan, Taylor, Brittany, Wesley, Rumor, Cassidy, Scout, Zo, Clo, Max, Hunter, Kendall, Kaitlin, Noah, Sasha, Morgan, Kira, Ian, Lauren, Q-bert, and Phil.
893. FBI agents are hypontized by your jiggling.
894. You never knew anyone who could knew about the magic of Jim Carrey.
895. As a loyal viewer they owe you.
896. You have a tatoo that says "Die, Bart Die" which you claim is German for "The, Bart The"
897. The doll's trying to kill you, and the toaster's laughing at you.
898. You've been slipped fertility drugs by four different people.
899. When you bowl a perfect game a balloon that has a big red 300 on it floats lifelessly to the ground.
900. Scooby-Doo can doo-doo, but Jimmy Carter is smarter.
901. You're Idaho.
902. You won the center square over Ron Howard.
903. In Nine months you became the most popular girl in school but then lost it because you became conceited.
904. Also in nine months you learned the meaning of Columbus Day and Winter.
905. Protestors can show up in your workplace if they're with you.
906. Your town has a escalator to nowhere, a Popsicle stick skyscraper and a giant magnifying glass.
907. The convienece store owner had octoplets.
908. Your boss stole the only trillion dollar bill.
909. Only when lil Jemshed is put in charge are local ragamuffins afraid to steal.
910. You hate Alfalfa bits.
911. You hate this store.
912. And you hate your mom.
913. You want to go live with one of your dads.
914. When you can't stop fiddlin' you just eats me ritalin.
915. When your daughter is angry at you you wonder what happened to your giant sandwich.
916. Your mother steals stuff, things she doesn't even need.
917. Your dad gets into car accidents on purpose.
918. You bought life insurance before seeing the Bloodening.
919. You take Focusyn.
920. You are sophmore prom queen five years running.
921. When you are in a headlock you yell, "I'm a hemophliac!" and then when the guy lets you go you kick him in the back.
922. Your eyes are buring.The goggles do nothing!
923. You say the word radical. That is that thing you say.
924. You're trespassin on my dirt farm.
925. Your boss wants you to kill someone on the way out.
926. Your boss wears moccassins and if you like them there is a pair for you and if you don't neither does he!
927. He says good-bye to shoes.
928. But this has only been your second time seeing someone saying good-bye to a shoe.
929. You ated the purple berries.
930. They tasted like....burning.
931. Your shoulder is your special area.
932. When you get your driver's liscense you exclaim, "Hot damn! No more sittin' in the dirt at the drive-in!"
933. You are unfamiliar with the term sarcasm.
934. You have paid Handsome Pete to dance for you.
935. You will be able to play in a fortnight.
936. Your school's web address is www.studynet.edu
937. You got a bad case of the suposedas.
938. Hello. You are not interested in buying the house, but you would like to use the rest room, flip through the magazines, rearrange the carefully shelved items and handle the food products in an unsanitary manner. Ha! Now They know how it feels!
939. You just torched a building downtown and you are afraid you will do it again.
940. In the hammock district, you have stores called Hammock Hut, Hammocks R Us, Put-Your-Butt-There, and Swing Low Sweet chariot all found on third.
941. Na Na Na Na Naaaa you're in love with lonely Johnny.
942. You have seen the film "The Poke of Zorro" featuring the magic taco.
943. baby...baby...lemon.
944. Your nanny can clean the bannister with her butt to the point you can see your face in it.
945. You feel about as low as Madonna when she found out she missed Tailhook.
946. The last case your police officer got to the bottom of was a case of mallowbars.
947. You get your babysitters from the Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Babysitting service.
948. They gave you Lucille Botz who tries to rob you.
949. On local pregnancy tests, pirates are wild.
950. Your second album was called Bigger then Jesus.
951. Your convenience store clerk sells milk and meat from 1984.
952. To save money you take up smoking and give it up.
953. Ripper strikes at white chapel.
954. Your army of Abe Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, Mao Tse Tung, Mahatma Gandhi, and Ramases easily take on an army of snowmen dressed as WWI soldiers.
955. You like short shorts!
956. Your foreign exchange student has blueprints from your father's workplace.
957. When you went to France you met only one nice French person.
958. Just when life seemed to have a laugh track your mother asks you to turn off the TV.
959. You fear you are going to jail by lying about your 2 and a half alarm chili and calling it 5 alarm chili.
960.You think the magazine "Wired" is really called "Weird" .
961. You want a realistic, down-to-earth show... that's completely off-the-wall and swarming with magic robots.
962. Your mirror sounds like its sneezing, or coughing, or talking softly.
963. You use words like "pro-active" and "paradigm" which are just buzz words dumb people use to sound important.
964. Now you're on the trolley.
965. You try to explain life or death situations to your father with finger puppets.
966. You're checking in.
967. Your sister can turn her head all the way around.
968. Stupid babies need the most attention.
969. According to your neighbor strawberry jam comes out of kitty's ears.
970. You're high on LSD (Love for your son and daughters)
971. You lost your last lingering trace of heterosexuality when you saw your brother-in-law naked.
972. You heard that someone's father went to a restaurant and then ate everything in the restaurant and they had to close the restaurant.
973.You changed your name so you could put it on a typewriter that didn't have an "e" button .
974. On a beautiful Sunday afternoon, when you were playing in a wholesome child-like way you were run over by the luxury car of death.
975.You have conducted the ritual of "Paddling of the swollen ass...with paddles."
976. When you have some great dirt on people you don't post on the internet because you want to reach people who really matter.
977. When you are dying people throw you quarters and say that you need booze.
978. You are no longer the girlish cadet.
979. Jane Fonda, Daniel Schorr, and Jack Anderson are on your enemy list.
980. Actually it was Nixon's enemy list but you crossed out Nixon's name and put yours.
981. You have watched a television show that is rated 666.
982. The doctor tells you that your nose would stop bleeding if you would keep your finger outa there.
983. The FBI is more concerned with UFOs then shipments of illegal drugs and weapons coming into New Jersey.
984. You were saved from the purple monster by the friendly pink elephant.
985. Your pet lobster lost a fight to a hermit crab.
986. When you realize you're the only person left alive, you dance naked in the church.
987. Your boss had his 25th Yale reunion in the year 1923.
988. When you get the key to your city for plowing driveways, you take a bite out of it to see if choclate is inside.
989. Your local bartender has a whale in his back room.
990. You passed up a ride on a flying motorcycle.
991. At the local carnival, they give out hats with feathers in them.
992.You thought you got a B but it turned out to be a F because your teacher spilt kahlua on the paper.
993. The medicine you are taking gives you the urge to straighten up and fly right.
994. Your father tells about when you were a little kid you had no will of your own and when he says, "Isn't that right son?" you reply with "Yes dad".
995. When the first man landed on the moon you were busy listening to "Yummy Yummy Yummy I got love in my tummy."
996. Your prom date doesn't want you to tell anyone about his "busy hands"
997. When you were a little kid you would swing on a clothes line 40 feet above the street for hours at a time.
998. Your first word as a baby was uttered when seeing your parents coveting in bed.
For contributions or complaints or if you see a duplicate e-mail me at: svenina@hotmail.com
