Read my Introduction to WUBS written in 1999!

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Kelly's Diner

Edward: Dang Nabbit!! Why do we have to vote in this piddly diner every four years? Good Lord, I can't even see the sign in table...
Monica: Put a sock in it, Edward, you are the one that told Alice she could have the day off to check people in...
Tracy: There she is, let's get this over with..
Alice: Hello, Q family, ready to vote? Sign in here..
Edward: Well, I'll tell you one thing, I'm getting someone in there that understands business! Knows what it feels like to work for a living!
Monica: Don't get me started on that...we need someone for health care, after all we are in the hospital business
Tracy: Speak for yourself. My portfolio's gone to hell..
Monica: Not to mention GIVING your money away to morons..
Alice: Folks, come on, you're holding up the line..
Kristina: yeah, we want to vote!
Molly: Kristina...here I made up a chart with both candidates manifestos on each side, the bigger issues highlighted in red...
Kristina: Squints..wait....aren't we voting for the Xfactor finale?
Molly: I think your brain shrunk when something else GREW in college!
Alexis: Very nice, honey..but..wait, let me fix something..(takes out a sharpie and blocks out Romeny's whole side)
Molly: MOM! You can't do that...people get a choice...!
Alexis: Under HIM NO ONE gets a choice!!!
Diane: Poppycock... it's clear to me you don't read Standard and Poor's ratings because...
Alexis: (looks over her glasses) Aren't you, like playing a vampire somewhere?
Alice: Ladies, please..we have a lot of people to get to here, if you'll just sign in I can give you your ballots
Diane: Do you even LISTEN to anything other than the mainstream media?
Alexis: Why you (swings)
Diane: Ok, sister, let's go...(they tussle in the corner)
Michael: What the heck?
Molly: Oh, this is nothing, the LAST election was even worse, I think Diane had a tooth knocked out..
Alice: NEXT! Hey you two!! I know who you're voting for...
Epiphany: DO YOU? You think because we're the only people of color on the show we're voting one way and not the other?
Shawn: Yeah... we do have our own damn minds, you know..we..
Alice: (Blushing) Um, she has on an Obama tshirt and You have on a Romney one so..
Epiphany: Oh well. Never mind then.
Sonny: I don't have time for any damn voting for any president...I have a "Coffee" business to run
Max: I know boss, but if we don't dig out of this economy we won't have a "coffee" business to run!
Bernie: (Whispers) You know if you guys keep putting your fingers around the word "coffee" when you talk, people will start to get suspicious!
Jason: Uh. Sam.
Sam: yeah?
Jason: You voting?
Sam: I don't know, are you?
Jason: I think so.
Heather: Don't do anything stupid like SWITCH YOUR VOTE!! (laughs)
Steven Lars: Mom..come on, just because you can't vote doesn't mean you can harass the other people here
Heather: Oh those felonies against me, they are a pain. HEY SAM! Did you SWITCH YOUR OUTFIT today? Oh, I crack myself up..
Todd: Geeze, Heather, give it a rest.
Carly: Hey, Todd, are you voting?
Todd: No I hate politics. Everyone is a lying scum, worse than me actually. I'm just covering that fight over there for the paper. Alexis is practically bald!
Carly: Was that what Diane had in her hand? ugh..
Alice: Wow, Mr. Luke!
Luke: Alice... how's it shakin'...give me one of those things
Alice: I never took you for the voting type
Luke: Oh, sure, of course... why you know I'm all about democracy. Besides, I'm hoping some clown in there realizes that hemp needs to be legalized
Coleman: You do realize that both Romney and Obama are against legalizing the Mary Jane?
Luke: HEMP man, HEMP! and really? both?
Bernie: Yep. you might want to hit Roseanne Barr's line though, she's for it.
Luke: Hey, I think I knew her once. Why the hell not, thanks!
Spinelli: It is I, Damien Spinelli here to do my civic duty...
Alice: Hello, sign here
Spinelli: Do you realize what a privilege it is to vote in this great nation of ours? It's an electoral jubilation!
Alice: Well, here..
Spinelli: I do get an "I voted sticker" at the end, do I not?
Alice: Yes, you do...just see TJ over there in the corner, he'll give you one.
Spinelli: I shall dance with glee!
ConKate: Hey, you, give me one of those things...
Alice: Ok, your name?
ConKate: Connie. Connie Falconeri. E-R-I got 'dat?
Alice: Well, yes..but there's no Falconeri here..
ConKate: Look HARDA!
Olivia: Hey, I think when you changed your whole inside thing there, you also changed your name to Kate Howard...just a thought..
ConKate: Bug off, will ya? Look, lady... I wanna vote. and if I wanna VOTE I'M GONNA VOTE! Johnny! GET OVAH HERE!
Johnny: Yeah.
ConKate: This..person is not lettin' me vote. AND I GOTs TAH VOTE.
Johnny: *sigh* look can she just vote..because if she doesn't, well..I'll be in big trouble
Alice: I'm sorry Mr. Zacchara, rules are rules...
ConKate: Oh FAGETABBOUIT! come on, let's go..(grabs Johnny by the balls, stomps out)
Alice: Hey, Olivia, are you going to vote? polls are closing soon..
Olivia: No, I already know who's going to win anyway.
Alice: really how?
Olivia: You wouldn't believe me if I told ya...
BANG!! (Door FLIES OPEN) Gasps all around
Jerry; IT IS I, JERRY JACKS!! BACK from the DEAD TO VOTE FOR THE PRESIDENT OF THIS GREAT UNITED STATES of America...and maybe put some arsenic in those pies..
Jax: Jerry...(tap)..Jerry..(tap tap)
Jerry: YES, I CRAWLED up from the DEPTHS of the BILE to report here to cast my ballot..
Jax: Jerry (tap)..Jerry (tap)
Jax: Um, we can't vote..we're from Australia..
Jerry: But I thought I was British?
Jax: Well, ya sound Pommie but no, we are Aussies...
Jerry: You mean I dragged myself up from death for this only to encounter a law that says I cannot vote?
Jax: Yep
Jerry: Well, hell you say.
Molly: Well, I would but as anyone knows, I am too young to vote. I still would have loved to have followed Rory Gilmore into helping Barack Obama in his first campaign, it would have been so dreamy!!
Alice: Oh, brother..ok, I'm closing up for the night...
Coleman: Should we scoop up Diane and Alexis?
Alice: Nah, by the looks of them, they'll be at it all night...
Diane: Commie!
Alexis: Fascist!
Diane: great shoes though!
Alexis: I bought them with my tax returns!!
Diane: I'd like to see your tax returns!
Alexis: That's what I've been saying for months!!
END. This WUB in no way endorses one or the other candidates running for POTUS. Thank you. This message has been approved by the Feta Council of The Americas.


Setting: somewhere under DisneyLand

Edward: Dang Nabbit! I can't even fit in here, what in the Sam Hill are these OTHER people doing here?
Tracy: SHhhhhhhh, Daddy, they are the "other" people, you know, from Pine Valley and Llanview Pennsylvania
Edward: Pennsylvania? Well, in my day, people didn't just land in here from Pennsylvania, no sir...
Michael: Grandfather, they just announced we're all moving to the Internet..
Edward: Well... I can't fit in there, and how will cook and the mansion fit in?
Tracy: :rollseyes: Oh Daddy... please...
Luke: Hey, Popsicle, I'm back... just in time for the big, big news... glad I got my iPhone finally.
Lucky: Dad, that's a camera...
Luke: What? The guy in Amsterdam told me it was an iPhone! What in the hell...
Spinelli: LISTEN UP GATHERINGS of SOAP EARTHLINGS!! It is I, Damien Spinelli at your humble service! We are departing into a great and uncharted territory, one of which I am most familiar...
Rex: Who is the bozo?
Maxie: Only the smartest "Bozo" in daytime. Listen and learn...
Rex: I don't care where we go I just lost my fiance! (weird face)
Shane: Ok, FIRST I have to move into some big house I HATE and NOW I HAVE to MOVE to the internet? I give UP!
Jack: you SAID. It. Wait. I don't...um.. I don't. UM.. Talk to geeks.
Spinelli: You over there with the youthful skater hair, we geeks shall save your life. Now, there are a few things each of you need to know about our impending decent into the world wide web...
Brenda: Well, I'm STILL leaving...just want you all to know that!
Carly: GO AHEAD SISTER, LEAVE... take your sleeves with you! I HATE YOU..and HIM TOO!
Jax: Herd ya Cahlee..loud 'n cleah. I'm taking all our Macs with us so you can't even GIT on the net!
Mac: What? Did someone say Mac? What?
Maxie: Oh, Mac...you're so cute.. no one mentioned you..sit down. :rollseyes:
Abner: Can I still do sex voice on the internet?
Anthony Z: Of course you can doll, we like that voice don't we?
Clint: Ouch..don't poke me.. I just got a new heart...
Dorian: Well! I for one am OUTRAGED at this!! How can I manage La Boulaie when I'm going digital? I had enough trouble with "My Face"!!
David: I'll help you my love...after all my hemorrhoid commerials are airing nicely online.
Kristina: You're the hemorrhoid guy? I LOVE your commercials!!
Molly: ME TOO, you're dreamy!!
Spinelli: Thespians!! Listen to me, Hark, I am here to tell you a new day is dawning a new universe unfolding
Coleman: (yells) but do they have a bar!!??
Max: Right..Bars? Dames? what?
Sonny: All I know is I got RIGHTS to the barware!!
Ford: And I'm first to debut on PORN NIGHTS!!
Cutter: (whips off shirt) OH NO YOU DON'T!!
Robin (to Maxie) Oh, we are SO on the wrong show!!
Liz: You can say that again
Destiny: I'm havin' a baby and I got to go on some damn digital Internet? I don't think so!
Alexis: Good Lord, is every teen on your show pregnant at one time or another?
Nora: At least they aren't all Sonny's
Alexis: Touche
Spinelli: Pack your gear, disperse with the dressing room materials for we shall forge ahead and beyond!!
Jason: Uh, All I have are 77 black tshirts and 2 pairs of jeans. Oh, and socks. I think.
Spinelli; Fine then! It's settled! We meet again in the dark nether world of digital darkness..
Old Face Todd: Wait..wait. Am I Old Face Todd or New Face?
New Face Todd: I think we're gonna be digitized, you know like Pixar
Luke: I know a few people who could be "digitized"
Matt: HEY! I'm already there, man!!
Spinelli: Embark! Harken to your destiny!! Call me Marty McSpin... see you all in a kingdom of cyber-connectedness....

Stay Tuned for the next installment: All My Cyborgs ...

It's with great sadness that I say good-bye to headwriter Robert Guza Jr. who's been the inspiration
of so many of my wubs for 12 years. See ya Bob! I'll keep Bob the Badger warm for you!


setting: Guza's Office at Prospect Ave

Sonny: What in the HELL! Hey, Bob...what are you doin??!!
Guza: Packin up, what does it look like?
Sonny: For what? Like a Trip?
Guza: Nope, Outta here.
Sonny: (hits his forehead) Ya can't be serious!!? JASON! JASON! GET IN HERE! NOW!
Jason: Yeah.
Sonny: He's leavin
Jason: Uh...blink..swivel head...blink. Wow.
Max (Sliding down the hall) I JUST HEARD!! Boss, it's not true is it?
Sonny and Guza at the same time: It is.
Max: But..But...me and Milo! Without you..we're nothin!!
Sonny: CALL A MEETING !! CALL A MEETING RIGHT NOW..get 'em all in there..

Later that day, at Kelly's
Edward: What in the Sam Hill are we doing here? I haven't been in here since...since 1998!
Sonny: I'm callin' ya here because our beloved Bob is takin' a fast train outta Port Charles and I for one am NOT HAPPY!
Brenda: (Sobbing) BUT what about....my SLEEVES!! Who will give me my..my...
Alexis (under breath) Oh, brother..
Sonny: Yeah, you... shat up.. I just had to sit on a plane with you for hours..don't think Bob did that..
Guza: No, that was "Garin Wolf"..
Alexis (whispers to Diane) Did he just air quote?
Diane: He sure did sister. (louder) Well, I for one am THRILLED ..I should be on more.
Max: Diane you don't get it...without him, we're nothing!!
Diane: Ooooooooo. Well, my bad. I for one am NOT HAPPY then!
Sonny: Look at Lante...sobbin' in a corner there... it's not fair!
Monica: YOU say it's not fair but I haven' been in my own house for ages!!
Sonny: (whispers to Jason) Who's that?
Jason: Shrugs.
Sam: Jason..do we get the baby? The baby? I got a whole new uteri for this!
Jason: Not sure. blink. But we can still try it out.
Michael: (stands up eyebrows knitting together) Uh..Sir...What about me sir? And Abby? Because I'm finally getting some womanly action and I wouldn't want to stop that now, you know. ..
Abby: (tugs his shirt) Uh,Michael...we have to talk about the "Womanly" thing... really...just sit..
Guza: Oh do YOU have surprise comin!! Well...I'm almost done here..HEY COLEMAN!
Coleman: YO!
Guza: You still growin' out that beard in protest?
Coleman: You got it dude..
Jason: Uh... the juice...what about the juice..I mean, can I have it?
Jax: Oh, stop it about yer kookaburri juice..
Jason: You Aussie dingo, it's ACAI Berry ...get it right. Besides you're leavin
Jax: Ya think? (Laughs) don't be so quick!
Carly: (stomps in) WHAT'S ALL THIS ?? BOB! BOB! LOOK AT ME!! Is it true? Are you REALLY GOING??!
Guza: Oh, Carly... My Carly.. I'm so sorry.
Carly: WELL DAMN IT. I won't have it!! I won't!!
(in the back Alexis and Maxie high five)
Carly: I SAW THAT!! And if you think I'm goin' in a closet TO SIT THERE WITH THE REST OF YOU, you're SADLY MISTAKEN!
Luke: Oh, Caroline, sit down. He's leavin' it's over.. even if this "Wolf" comes on they can't get rid of us. Don't you get it?
Robin: Who says?
Luke: Oh, there are bigger fish in the pond, little lady MUCH bigger fish..
Patrick: I just want to know if Lisa is finally going to die because I can't take it much longer
Anthony: (maniac laughter) OH YEAH...YAH...that dame has BOUGHT THE FARM!!
Johnny: Shhhh, lay low Pop....who knows what's happening to us...
Diane (wiggles in her chair) well, I KNOW...the mob is going to be HIS-TOR-REE. Gone , kaput.
Guza: Oh, don't be so quick "Wolf" might like the mob too..in fact, I gave him my last copy of GoodFellas
Spinelli; (raises hand) O!! OH!! OOO!! OOOO!!
Sonny: (sigh) WHAT IS it Spinelli?
Spinelli: we must commemorate this occasion with something, don't you think? Champagne perhaps?
Coleman: Done.
Siobhan: What in der lo is happin' ter the whole misern' tah lookin' on der..
Lucky: I'll explain later...I think we have to check your visa
Guza: (claps hands) Ok, then...I'm outta here. Be cool. Remember I'm not far. AND I've left some "Surprises" for you all...
Diane (Whispers to Alexis) I'd let someone else start your car for about a month...
Monica: Don't let the door hit you on the way out!
Guza: (pauses) Remember I have more of you to kill off...
Tracy: (Elbows Monica) Goodbye sir! See you later!!... Come on, Monica I want to keep what little I have left!
Brenda: (Sobbing) MY SLEEVES!! MY SLEEVES! I can't (sob/cackle)
The Whole Cast: SHUT UP!
Sonny: Someone get her outta here...and for godsakes, Max and Milo pick up Lante and slap some sense into them.. I need to throw some barware.
Coleman: You got it dude (hands him a glass)


An Irish-Spin

Setting: Jake's

Spin: (spinning around with mistletoe) I am so honored that the mustached one has invited me to partake in the annual yuletide decor festivities!! (spins)
Siobhan: Wey'dr git that guy oy'er there to be decorating fer ye when's I gots two bloomin' hands to der it?
Coleman: Uh...(looks at Lucky)
Lucky: She wants to know why you have him doing this instead of her
Coleman: Aw, now...Spinelli just needed some Christmas bread to buy his ol' lady a gift! I'm being a nice guy!
Siobhan: Humpf! Ter not so bein' in der nice when der gettin' on me's tips!
Coleman: Ok, whatever. I gotta go suds up the backroom. Keep an eye, will ya?
Siobhan: I'z be keepin der two eyes on yer, I wills!
Spin: (stops) Wait!! Hark!! (hand up to ear) do I detect a true Celtic lilt? Could it be from the Emerald Isle?
Siobhan: Keeper yer shorts on, tis jest I...
Spinelli: Fair Maiden of the Cloggin Clansmen!! What luck!! You even have the flaming scarlet locks of an Irish Lassie. :bows: I am honored.
Siobhan: IS he fer reals?
Lucky: Sure is..
Spinelli: Oh..oh, I have so many questions! First of all, how many leprechauns have you seen? A million I would gather!
Siobhan: Silly man, ders be nos leperchauns wheres I come from! We have der fariies!
Spinelli: (hands together) Oh, I am in bliss!! Fairies! Do you make the scrumptous Irish Soda bread??
Siobhan: Oyerish Soder Breads is me favorite.
Maxie: (walks in) What the hell is this?
Spinelli: Ah, fair Maximista..this..this..is my new found Emerald Isle Lassie... her name is Siobhan, which is the Anglo-Norman for Jean. You know...(spins around) Like Norma Jean..the famous also known Marilyn Monroe. So I shall call her the Magical One!
Maxie: Huh. I don't think so!
Siobhan: Whys yer knickers in a knot? I sees you with that docter ...you don't care a whits about this man
Maxie: Shut the hell up. I don't know what you just said and I don't care anyway...Spinelli, I need your help to haul my tree up 3 flights of stairs. uy oy'er there to be decorating fer ye when's I gots two bloomin' hands to der it?
Coleman: Uh...(looks at Lucky)
Lucky: She wants to know why you have him doing this instead of her
Coleman: Aw, now...Spinelli just needed some Christmas bread to buy his ol' lady a gift! I'm being a nice guy!
Siobhan: Humpf! Ter not so bein' in der nice when der gettin' on me's tips!
Coleman: Ok, whatever. I gotta go suds up the backroom. Keep an eye, will ya?
Siobhan: I'z be keepin der two eyes on yer, I wills!
Spin: (stops) Wait!! Hark!! (hand up to ear) do I detect a true Celtic lilt? Could it be from the Emerald Isle?
Siobhan: Keeper yer shorts on, tis jest I...
Spinelli: Fair Maiden of the Cloggin Clansmen!! What luck!! You even have the locks of an Iris Lassie. :bows: I am honored.
Siobhan: IS he fer reals?
Lucky: Sure is..
Spinelli: Oh..oh, I have so many questions! First of all, how many leprechauns have you seen? A million I would gather!
Siobhan: Silly man, ders be nos leperchauns wheres I come from! We have der fariies!
Spinelli: (hands together) Oh, I am in bliss!! Fairies! Do you make the scrumptous Irish Soda bread??
Siobhan: Oyerish Soder Breads is me favorite.
Maxie: (walks in) What the hell is this?
Spinelli: Ah, fair Maximista..this..this..is my new found Emerald Isle Lassie... her name is Siobhan, which is the Anglo-Norman for Jean. You know...(spins around) Like Norma Jean..the famous also known Marilyn Monroe. So I shall call her the Magical One!
Maxie: Huh. I don't think so!
Siobhan: Whys yer knickers in a knot? I sees you with that docter ...you don't care a whits about this man
Maxie: Shut the hell up. I don't know what you just said and I don't care anyway...Spinelli, I need your help to haul my tree up 3 flights of stairs. And some wood. Oh...yeah, and my groceries.
Spin: Well, I'd like to but the barman has employed me into decorate his watering hole. I must decline.
Maxie: (stomps foot) DECLINE? What! ME!? Lucky!! Make him carry my stuff! Come on...
Siobhan: I did not jest hear ya tellin' my Lookey to make this little spriter carry yers tings now did I?
Maxie: (blinks) uh..what?
Spin: Maximista... I am sorry. Now...please let me hang this primitive sprig of greenery up so we may all touch our lips in sweet holiday merriment.
Maxie: Well! That's it...no egg nog for you...!! Don't even bother to get the mini-marshmallows for our cocoa.Just forget it! (Stomps off)
Siobhan: There's a sure-fire piece o' work fer ya.
Lucky: She's just..well..
Spinelli: Fashionable.
Lucky: Yeah...Fashionable.
Sioban: So, would yer like me to boil der potatoes fer ya now?
Spinelli: (Sigh..leans on bar, looking dreamily at Siobhan) you are talking tubers to me...I am in celestial glory...
Sioban: Oh, goes on widt ya now..(puts on Christmas music)

The Monday Morning Wub

Setting: Metro Court

Edward: What in the Sam Hill is that young Webber doing telling US what to do? Monica, I thought you were in charge of GH...
Monica: Oh, Edward, where have you been, in a hole? I haven't done that regularly for about seven years
Edward: Well, I don't like it. Not one bit
Steven Lars: Hey! You! Quartermines, be quiet over there...I'm letting everyone know what's coming up in the next few months and we all know you don't have anything so..
Tracy: Whatever...
Luke: (sitting in the back, hat over face, leaning back, feet on the table) Never fear, popcicle!! I'll be back from my break soon, then you'll have plenty to do...heh...
Tracy: Oh, like what? Standing around that old floating bucket?? Great..thanks.
Steven Lars: OK! Listen up!! Where's Lante?
Lulu/Dante: (making out)
Steven Lars: LANTE?!
Brook Lynne: Hey...slut...they are calling you...
Lulu: (Breathing hard) huh...what?
Steven Lars: You are both going to...Ireland...please pick up your sweaters, scarfs and walking sticks in wardrobe...
Dante: Isn't it September there? I mean, it's still summer?
Steven: Don't screw with our props, kid....just go get them...Lulu...pull your shirt up. Geesh
Matt; (opens closet door) Got anything for me, doc??
Steven: Close that door...you're letting the flies out...NO! Nothing for you....
Maxie: Not even something with me??
Steven: Actually, Maxie, they want you in the L'oreal hair and makeup studio. The Project Runway peeps are going to take care of you
Maxie: What? Why?
Steven: Girl, have you seen your hair lately?? :shudder:
Sam: When can I get off these??
Spinelli: It's truly amazing how mnny of us Port Charlians have had ligament issues. Ben Gay loves us
ELEVATOR OPENS: UPS Guy: I have a delivery here for a Claire...Claire...Walsh?
Claire: That's me..
UPS Guy: Sign for it please..,
Claire: A package!! What's in it?? Oh..wait...condoms..NuvaRing...Spermicidal gel...granny panties...I don't understa..
Sonny: YOU'RE TOO LATE!! That's right...heh (high fives Max)
Diane: (rolls eyes..) Oh...brother...
Steve: Lucky?? Lucky Spencer...can you hear me all the WAY OVER THERE IN IRELAND?? (Everyone laughs)
Lucky: Sure'n'beogre ya...I hears ya ... just a wee bit...though...matey..
Steven: You know you're supposed to be Irish, right..not a pirate??
Lucky: Aye..Aye...
Ethan: No..wait...I 'kin show ya...both....Pirate and a nice outterbush accent..
Steven: Don't confuse him...Lucky...study up on that Riverdance DVD we gave you--NEXT!! We have...(flips through clipboard)... Nikolas
Nikolas: What. Yawn...has Alfred prepared me more food??
Steven: No...but they do want you to cut down in Naples...
Brook Lynne: We're going to Staples?? I so's need a new audo-voice program...
Nikolas: How much longer do I have to endure this?? HOW MUCH can a Prince take??
Steven: Kate..?? Where's Kate Falconeri?
Coleman: Attached to my lips...right here
Kate: Giggle..yes?
Steven: Oh, wait....um...nevermind..though I had something for you but ..not here
Alexis: What about me? I mean, two teenage girls should get me something...
Steven: Hmmmm..no...oh..no...looks like it's been erased..
Brenda: (manic laugh) Hey! HI! Everybody...I'm back!!
Jason: (Blink) No..we are in Rome.
Brenda: Kill Joy...hey! Anyone want a pear? Cause I went to the market and PICKED it myself!!! Or maybe you want some meatballs...or red wine..or an 8x10 glossy of my face?/
Spinelli: Oh..yes, (breathing heavily) I would adore your face to enlighten up my walls, oh, Divine One!! You're so pretty... Your hair is really shiny...can I touch..
Jason: Hands off
Steven: That's about it for now...
Lisa: It can't be, I'm scheduled to turn that light off and on and then give Robin a mickey....
Dante: I had a mickey once!
Lulu: ME TOO!!
Lisa: Well, this is an entirely different mickey.
Robin: I can't believe I have to lay in a well...and see my dead past love..
Tracy: Hey, I saw dead people too!!
Maxie: ME TOO!!
Maya: I wish I saw dead people...any people, actually...
Johnny: Webber!! Over Here!!
Steve: Yeah?
Johnny: Is my garage open cause me and Olivia need a place to you...know...
Steve: You are scheduled for a make out session on her couch in 2 weeks..don't waste it
Max: Since some people are in Rome, can I get a Canoli??
Steve: Not now...we are having soda bread brought in when Lante leaves...
Carly: Did they like, not even mention us??
Jax: Well, we just do what we've been doing for 2 years now...'cept you holds a baby....dingah..
Carly: A dingo?
Jax: Well, I jest like sayin' it...Dinga. heh.
Ethan: I heard that mate...don't let Lucky hear ya or he'll start soundin' like he's from Perth!!
Steven: That's it....be careful out there...don't trip over the gelato cart outside...it's off to Rome for it's debut in the hotel lobby...
Set closes...pan over to Luke, still snoring...


Setting: Hospital

Edward: We've been waiting here long enough....hasn't she had that dang nabbit baby yet?
Monica: Edward! It takes time...WHY I remember with AJ it was months before he came out...
Tracy: Don't even get me started on Ned. Never WAS the same after that!
Sonny: She had the kid yet?
Edward: Why are you here you hoodlum? Want to induct a new kid to your mobster ways?
Sonny: (dimple flash) No, old man...I'm just glad it's not mine for once!
Tracy: You SURE it's not yours?
Sonny: Was your company involved in the birth control because I seem to remember...
Edward: Reprobate!! That was NOT our falt..the elastic came from a faulty lab in Peru.
Bobbie: You all need to calm down. Elizabeth needs quiet.
Monica: Who are you?
Bobbie: Oh, Monica you crack me up. (leaves)
Monica: No, seriously, who WAS that?

In the Labor room
Nikolas: PUSH!!
Kelly: Nikolas! don't tell her to push...she's not ready yet
Nikolas: Well, I am...and I'm the prince so PUSH!
Liz: (pant) Oh, please...I know when to push, I've done this thousands of times...
Maxie: That's for sure...(eyeroll)
Liz: Why the hell are you here?
Maxie: (looks at nails) Photo Shoot. Crimson. "Fashion at 9 months"...Kate told me to be here.
Spinelli: And I, her faithful non-husband will be filming this special occasion for posterity. If I can stand the...the..site of...
Liz: (pant) Oh my god...
Kelly: That's ok..take it easy...
Liz: This had BETTER BE A GIRL!
Helena: Amen to that. I'm tired of trying to manipulate the male species.
Liz: GET her out!!
Nikolas: Grandmother, I would like it if you take your leave. Please...go get me a feta sandwich
Helena: Well, I shall...but only for feta. I will be back.
Liz: Thank you...now...wait...where's Lucky?
Steven Lars: He's off catching killers, honey. By the way, I called Gran...she's sorry she can't be here but she's tied up taking care of Cam and Jake. She said thank you so much for dropping them off last month.
Liz: (puff, puff) Ok...this just might be it...
Shirley: Wait a minute dear....what does your hospital bracelet say? What is that?
Liz: What? What!
Shirley: (recoils in horror) oh, nothing, I'm sure that skull and crossbones is supposed to be there...
Liz: Ahhhhh! Ouch...
Kelly: Wait..there seems to be a bit of a...no...there's the head..there's...the...
Nikolas: IS THAT THE HEAD! Look at all that HAIR!! CASSADINE HAIR!!
Kelly: No, er...I don't think that's hair...it's..more like
Spinelli: Fur?
Steven Lars: Well, Huge ears.....
Lisa: I like huge!
Steven Lars: NOT NOW...are those...
Kelly: I am not liking this...
Liz: WHAT! WHAT! owwwww
Kelly: I don't believe it...
(Mad world plays)
Nikolas: Is that...
Steven Lars..(leans in)..oh no..
Liz: WHAT!!
Kelly: Um... I don't know how to tell you this (more Mad world)
Maxie: EWWW Gross!!!
Steven Lars: Honey, keep calm..
Liz: TELL ME!!
Kelly: Well, it's a bouncing baby....er...wind up monkey
Monkey plays cymbols...
Spinelli: A simion! A baby of the simion kind. How evolutionary!
Liz: NOooooooooooo!
Dante: bursts in...:shakes fists: FRANCO!!
Liz: I've had a Fronkey?
Nikolas: (faints)
Cut to Monkey clanging away...and Franco outside Liz's door spray painting CO77x....


Setting: Metro Court

Edward: Why in the Sam Hill did we come here to eat when we have a perfectly acceptable food at home?
Monica: Oh, Edward, just enjoy it..it is father's day after all..
Tracy: Yes, Daddy..it IS Father's Day...and here's my gift
Edward: What is it...(opens) a pen..oh, Tracy..you do out do yourself every year...
Tracy: Hey! It's from the Cassadine Island Gift Shop-- I was stuck in a dungeon all week! Give me a break.
Edward: Well, it's not like all my children and grandchildren can be here. Most are dead--some are with other reprobate family (glares at Corinthos' table) and still others are trekking all over the globe!! I'm glad I do have my other grandchildren Maya and Brook here to keep me company..heh.
Brooke: yeah, whatever, I gotta go pee.
Maya: Um...I totally forget why we're here... what day is it again?
Tracy: Oh dear God, that girl is a waste of space. WAITER!!

meanwhile over at the Corinthos' table:
Molly: Kristina, did you wrap his gift?
Kristina: Yes....he's going to love it. (snarky smile)
Molly: I don't know, a 8x10 of you and Johnny on a picnic blanket isn't the best choice...
Kristina: What do you want me to do?! HE's an abuser! He's the reason I'm like I am! God! Get your own Dad a present and shut up
Molly: (pouts) you know we have no idea where my Dad went..
Kristina: Sorry...here, have some of my coke...Hey, Michael..
Michael: (knits brows together) Yeah..?
Kristina: How does it feel to be out?
Michael: What kind of question is that? Good, what do you think?
Kristina: God, you're in a mood
Michael: You would be too if what happened to me..happened...
Morgan: What happened?
Michael: Nothing..NOTHING..nothing happened!!
Dante: Michael, you ok? Cause if you're not, I'll knock who's evah's block off I gotta knock off..
Michael: I hate you.
Dante: Do Not
Michael: Do Too!!
Sonny: ENOUGH! I see I have my children gathered around me...too bad I blew up my first wife Lily and our unborn baby...
Kristina: (rolls eyes)
Sonny: Other than that, and the bullets and my shooting Carly in the head when she was pregnant with Morgan, I think it's been an ok life.
Mike: Hey, I'm here...
Sonny: Hey, Mike..I'll have the lobster and the mac and cheese...
Mike: No, Sonny, I don't work here, I'm here for the Father's Day dinner...
Sonny: (stares) Heh. Hey, did I ever tell all of you about Deke...he was a mean mo'fo
Michael: cough
Morgan: HEY! DAD! open my gift!! Open it!
Sonny: I appreciate this gesture. Glad you didn't give it to candy-boy Jax...(opens it). WOW..it's
Morgan: Barware!! You know, those glasses you always throw.. I mean... I thought you needed some...
Sonny: Perfect. I hear someone's coming back to Port Charles and I'm gonna need these...

neanwhile over at the Webber, Cassadine, Spencer Table..
Liz: Here.
Nik: What's this?
Liz: Well, you're going to be a father again, I thought I'd order you your favorite feta fries..
Nik: Well, this is a surprise. Here, Spencer..you have some too.
Spencer: FETA!!
Cameron: Hey, Mommy...who should I give my Father's Day card to?
Liz: Well, honey-- Lucky is your daddy..
Cameron: The kids at school don't say so...they say he was some guy that died in a shoot out..POW! POW!
Liz: That's enough..no, Lucky is your Daddy honey...and Jake's too.
Nikolas: Pfft.
Liz: I don't appreciate that...
Lucky: Yeah, pal...
Nikolas: Whatever. Spencer let us take our leave and go see if we can Skype my father-uncle.


The Return WUB

Setting: All Over Port Charles

At the Quartermaines
Edward: Alice! Dang Nabbit, get in here! We have to get these roses down to the garden and transplanted before the big day...now I have three special kinds flown in all the way from Brazil. Let the Cassadines try and top that!
Alice: Yes, Mr. Quartermaine but I still don't see why Lila's old ones aren't...
Tracy: DADDY! What in the hell are you doing outside? I just came in and it's all torn up! I think I ruined my shoes..
Edward: (rubs hands together) Oh, it's so delightful, wait until I tell you...
Monica: Edward, have you gone completely mad...what is all this...
Edward: Now, Monica, as I was just telling Tracy, we have someone coming here..someone very special...someone...
Luke: Oh, get on with it old man...time's a wasting..
Edward: Well. She's coming back to town...
Skye: Wait a minute..(grabs Luke's arm)...is this who I think it is!!?
Tracy: Oh, how gouche. Really. Again, she's back.
Skye: NO WAY..she screwed up my whole storyline back here last time and I'm not going throught that again...
Monica: Oh, Emily would be so pleased...sniff..poor, poor Emily...
Tracy: Snap out of it! Well, hide your men and your camera equipment...
Luke: Huh...never got the appeal.

Meanwhile...over at Kelly's...
Mike: Over there...and make sure you take out all the bathroom stalls and replace them
Sonny: Hey..Mike....MIKE!!
Mike: Oh, I wondered when you'd come HERE....(yelling)
Mike: GUYS! Guys!! Hey, take a break...will ya... ok, there, that's better. Hey, did you hear?
Sonny: What. Sonny: What WHAT!!
Door Bursts Open
Sonny: No way. Someone better do some 'SPLAININ' to me!!
Jax: And look at us, both single, ready to mingle...I needs a Fastah's ....SHE'S BACK!! :twirls, leaves:
Sonny: (stares at Mike) this. can't be. happening. Here. slap me.
Mike: Sonny.. I don't think...
Mike (decks him)
Sonny: Nope, not sleeping. Sonny: Claudia just redecorated..
Sonny: yeah... Ok...I need to throw some glasses..got any glasses...
Mike: Go to your own place or Jake's and throw stuff...Be careful out there, they are redoing the entire waterfront.

On the Docks
Nik: (on his Blackberry) Yes, .the whole dock is moving 20 degrees to the North...
Liz: What's going on??
Nik: Didn't you hear? She's coming back
Liz: (stares) No.
Nik: Yes...and I am preparing because you never know what the most beautiful girl in Port....
Liz: (Covers her ears) STOP! Stop it...
Jason: Blink.
Nik: You're out early, weren't you up for years?
Jason: She's back. blink.
Liz: I have to go find Lucky...
Jason: I need to go get my motorcycle out of storage....
Robin: Did you hear!!?? She's back!
Jason: Blink.
Jax (runs by): I'm so happy!! Brender! ME BRENDER!! (carrying an arm full of flowers) jumps, twirls...
Mac: What's going on over at...
Nik: Oh, we are refacing Wyndemere to get ready for her...
Mac; Did you get a permit??
Mayor Floyd: Do you really think they'd need a permit for this? She's the Most Beautiful Woman in Port Charles, man! Think of the tourist dollars!!
Sam: Jason!! Anyone seen JASON??!! Please...
Nik: Just missed him. He's going to get the motorcycle out of..
Sam: Not the bike!!...I have to stop him...my time is limited I can feel it draining...

Over at Spoon Island
Helena: Mirror, Mirror on the Wall....Who's the fairest of them all..
Mirror: Oh, mighty evil one, everyday I have said your name, but today, I must tell you, there is another...
Helena: SILENCE!
Mirror: It is true...
Helena: I TOLD those imbeciles that I would NOT work with that woman in town ever again! Remember the Baccanalia?! ALFRED!
Alfred: yes Madam...
Helena: Get my Yacht ready, I refuse to stay here a moment longer...

Over at Jake's
Patrick: Who ARE they talking about?
Ethan: I don't know, mate..some sort of phantom girl...or goddess or...
Johnny: I hear she glows in the dark...
Coleman: Come on...she puts her bra on the same way all dames do...
Spinelli: That's not what my research has detected...She's all over cyberspace as some sort of apparition that only the enchanted can visualize..larger than life..more beautiful than a thousand sunsets...
Jax: Oy!! Drinks all 'round!! I'm the happiest man in the 'World!
Coleman: Hey, man..didn't you pay her to get out of Dodge awhile back?
Jax: Oh...don't be stupid...and what does it mattah? It's me Brender!!
Spinelli: Excuse me, but didn't you and Mr. Sir have some sort of rival going...
Jax: Yep. And I won. She Loves Me best..she's my dinga...she's..
Spinelli, Jonny and Ethan waving madly..
Jax: She loves me.she loves...oh...he's behind me, isn't he?
Sonny: Damn Straight, Candy BOY!! She's mine!
Jax: Oh, please.
Coleman: Come on, move it outside...I just got orders to get this place spic and span ...she must be some lady for all this..
Jax: You can say that again...sigh...(dreamy face)

Meanwhile, in a land far..far away...
We see a Brunette, slowly tossing her hair...scripts laying at her feet... and a ruby red smile on her lips...
To be continued...

Another NuFace Wub

Haunted Star

Edward: What in the Sam Hill am I doing out here? Dang Nabbit, I've only had one new face and that was ages ago!
Monica: Can it, Edward. Michael is a Quartermaine, we should be here to support him.
Sonny: Over my dead body! (throws a glass) What is this!? Why do I have to suffer so??!!
Luke: Hey, pal we've all had to work with New Faces. I mean, look at Lucky. He was a two-fer-new face--now he's back to the old face. I cant even keep the hell up!!
Sonny: Shad-up. At least your WOMAN is the same, I've had like 4 or 5 new face Carly's, I can't even keep track...
Carly: Hey! Watch it!
Sonny: Not only dat...I get a NEW Woman with the First Face of the Old Carly! (throws up hands). It's a freekin' mess
Luke: Oh, pal...I never realized. Here, drink this bottle of burbon with me. (downs shot)
Nikolas: Hey..what's up?
Lucky: We have to tell Michael he's gettin' a new face...
Nikolas: Huh...well, my new face lasted awhile...until I got my old new face back. Just like you, brother.
Lucky: I know, great isn't it?
Liz: Between you two and Emily...old face, new face then new person face, I can't believe I even know who my friends are!!
Max: I still got MY face.
Milo: Ditto.
Coleman: So, who's tellin' the little dude?
Alexis: Not me, I still have my face, and I want to keep it that way, thank you.
Helena: Oh, let me, I'd relish the idea. After all, I had the most famous of the old faces...
Luke: No way, you old bat, you'd probably scar the boy for life...
Maxie: I can do it!
Spinelli: Now, Maximista...what are you talking about? You've always had your own beautiful face, nary a blemish on it.
Lulu: HA! Didn't you know??
Spinelli: What?
Lulu: Totally new face.
Spinelli: Say it isn't so!
Maxie: It's so... but I totally got a great new face, so don't worry.
Spinelli: My purity has been squandered.
Maxie: Well, Lulu..you kinda got a new face
Lulu: No, I grew 10years in a week, that's so different.
Luke: OK, everyone, settle down, the kid is due in here any minute..someone's gotta tell him somethin' or he's going to wake up and not know who he is and we all know how THAT goes..
Steven Lars: Tell me about it.
Edward: I have friends in that Pennsylvania town..snapping fingers..what's it's name? They had about 7 or 12 Joey and Kevin Bucchanan's each. I think that's what drove Asa into his grave..
Lucky: I can call old new face JR..who was my new old face...
Tracy: We are NOT going to different towns, if that stuff starts, we'll never get out of here!
Sonny: Well...somebody's gotta DO SOMETHIN'! I'm ready to 'splode here!
Carly: I'll do it. I"ve had the most faces out of anyone.
Bobbie: No... I will do it.
Monica: (gasping) are you sure?
Bobbie: I'm positive, who better to talk about a face than me?
Luke: No comment (downs shot)

To be continued....


Setting: Q Mansion

Eddie Q: Dang nabbit! Monica, is that Jason sitting on the back porch pouting? What in the Sam Hill is going on around here?
Tracy: Oh, Daddy, how can you even tell he's pouting? I mean, really. I think he's just constipated..
Monica: Tracy! He got over that when he was eight..besides..it's MY house-- if he wants to sit out there, he can.

out on the back porch.
Sam: You ok?
Jason: blink...(smelling the air)...blink....
Sam: Come on, you can tell me
Jason: Well...I think so.
Sam: You knew this would happen. He couldn't stay here forever.
Jason: Blink. I know it but....it's just so sudden.
Sam: You still have this...(pulls out canvas)
Jason: yeah....my head on a horse's body...flying through the clouds. He was good, wasn't he?
Jason: What.
Maxie: What ya got there? OMG, is that a FRANCO? I mean, you can totally tell with all that white chalk...Can I see it...
Spin: Excuse me, oh master sir..that's no way to talk to my lady love...
Jason: Go away, I need to be alone.
Sam: (pained expression...whispers) he's really really upset...Franco left today and didn't leave his forwarding address...
Spin: Oh. I see. I beg forgiveness. Knowing how you feel about the wacked out psycho artist, I totally understand your sorrow
Maxie: Ok, am I the only one that doesn't get this??
Lulu: There you are Maxie! Oh, hi...hey,...er..is Jason..crying???
Spin: Those are tears of misery
Lulu: Uh...okay. Here. This came for you today, it's a ticket to Prague...Franco's going to be there for a...
Jason: (Grabs it) GIVE ME THAT!
Lulu: OUCh..dang, I think you broke my wrist!
Jason: Sam. I have to go. Because Franco is wanted. yeah, that's it. Franco's wanted...and I have to get him.
Maxie: Well, my Uncle Mac..
Jason: I'm GOING! Sam...pack my Brute cologne! Get out 7 black tshirts. No, wait, make that eight!
Sam: But we were going to have wild sex in the newly decorated penthouse...
Jason: Do you really think I'm gong to wait for that? Please.
Sam: Pout. well, okay...
Maxie: Isn't this all a bit..er....spooky
Lulu: Dang! I'm telling you he broke my wrist!
Jason: I'm going! Hey, tell Cook to get out some acai berry juice boxes, I'm going to need my strength. Hey..do these jeans make my butt look big?

Jason hops a plane to Prague...to be continued

The Karaoke WUB Part ONE

Setting: Jake's Bar

Edward: What in tarnation are you doing here, Tracy? Look at this! I can't even get a decent scotch!
Tracy: Daddy, I hear this is the place to be. I have no other place to be so CLEARLY I'm going to be here. Sit down
Edward: I'm not going to sing. Don't even try it.
Tracy: Don't worry. I'd love to get Monica trashed though. Let her go up there.
Edward: Where IS Monica? I haven't seen her in days...or is it weeks?
Tracy: Who cares. The hospital doesn't, why should we?
Over at the next table
Alexis: Kristina...is this your Visa Bill?
Kristina: Well, whateverrrrrrrr ; rolls eyes: like you're a perfect mother. Like you ruined my life. (crosses arms)
Alexis: I'm sorry honey, I just wasn't thinking. I was on chemo and had lung cancer and...
Sam: Wait. You had lung cancer? Alexis: I know! Can you even believe it!? Look at me now! You'd never know! It was a miracle.
Diane: No, it's a miracle you're caught dead in those shoes....
Kristina: Uh, Mom.. enough of your BIG C talk. .I'm going to go talk to Michael. My brother. That I love. God, leave me alone :Stomps away:
Carly: Now, Michael put this helmet on and I'll be ok with you being here. You never know what can happen in a bar.
Michael: Mom, I'm not wearing a helmet. I really, really want to go driving. Come on.
Carly: I don't think that's such a great idea....
Sonny: Hey, Michael, how you doin? Guess what I bought you? Here (tosses keys) a giant sports car that goes really, reallllly fast!
Carly: Sonny! Are you crazy? He can't even drive yet!
Sonny: That's your job...go get him a license will ya?
Carly: But.. Sonny: :Stares: I said...go.
Jax: Don't tawk to her like that ya dang dinga. She's carryin' me baby! But on yer way out, can ya get me a Fostahs?
Jason: Huh. What are we doing here anyway?
Sam: I thought I could do some undercover work in my 10:" heels and apron.
Jason: :Stare, blink: that's all you have on.
Sam: Well, yeah...a girl's gotta do what she's gotta do to catch tax evaders!
Spinelli: There you are ..(sees Sam) hello mistress Sam, what do you have...oh, you are plying your clients with a kitchen chef theme. Very festive. But! That is not my purpose at this moment! I seem to have misplaced my future betrothed.
Jason: Blink
Spinelli: The Maximista! I am going to present her with a carbon based stone tonight.
Sam: A diamond?
Jason: You knew what a carbon based stone was. :blink:
Sam: A girl gets around.
Spinelli: Oh the horror...I must go find my Maximista post haste!
Sam: Was he wearing a...jousting helmet.?
Ethan: (leaning on the bar glowering)
Coleman: What's up dog?
Ethan: mumbmheuianlht...emiehghgl...Emily.....Nikolas....gugheh
Coleman: Dude, you been drinkin cause I can't get a word...
Ethan: DUIHHEIH! biugoual!
Coleman: Luke better get back fast, man, so he can interpret for you.
Lulu: yeah, like that's going to happen. My Dad's a dead beat. Hey, Ethan
Ethan: HUmpghf.
Lulu: No, and you?
Ethan: Shrugs...
Emily: Hi Lulu...uh, hello... I stranger I don't know...never EVER saw before.
Ethan: :evil eyeball: (tosses hair)
Nikolas: Hey. You know, I'm kinda tired. I should go
Lulu: Spencer keep you up?
Nikolas: Who?
Rebecca: Oh my god, is that that kid's name? I thought he was Alfred's great nephew or something! Wow...I thought Spencer was your imaginary friend. You know, like you used to talk to Dead Emily.
Nikolas: I find this all so tediuous. Yawn.
Liz: Hi, hey, bitch...
Rebecca: Back at cha bitch.
Maxie: Hurry up we're late.
Kate: Maxie. I am never late. I am 'tardy'.
Maxie: Where have you been anyway?
Kate: None of your business but it was dark and cramped. I have to go back tomorrow so I intend to spend my time wisely. Oh, there's Sonny. Hello, Sonny.
Sonny: (looks Kate up and down) Uh, huh.
Kate: It's me. Kate...Connie. Remember?
Sonny: Well, it's kinda foggy..
Olivia: Oh, my God, look what the cat dragged in. If it isn't my wayward cousin, Connie FALKINARIIIIIIII.
Kate: Olivia.
Olivia: Ya know, I kinda like it here, I'm stayin
Sonny: Heh.
Kate: Oh, I see what's happening. Well, you can have him.
Sonny: Who me? Naw, ladies don't fight.
Kate: Infact, you can have my whole airtime.
Olivia: Gawd, you can be so nasty. (whispers) hey, have ya seen my Donte? Kinda hot isn't he?
Kate: Olivia! (giggles) well, yes..he certainly grew up rather quickly, didn't he?
Olivia: Seems like yesterday I was changin' his diapers....
Sonny: Who's Diapers?
Olivia: Oh, my gawd, Sonny..stop listenin' in...I was talking about my neice on my cousin Tony's side ...you know, Annette Marie.
Sonny: Oh, yeah, I remember Annette Marie....dimple flash
Olivia: Oh cut it out.
Coleman: Welcome the second Karaoke night at Jake's! Tonight we have a treat for you....a very special guest all the way from the Topics of Capricorn...in the flesh...say hello to Mr. Stephan, the BAT Cassadine! (dressed as "Frenchie" from Grease..)
Crowd: Whistles....hoot whoot!
Nikolas: Oh, I am so chagrined
Edward: What in the Sam Hill? I thought we got rid of that singing barfly years ago...
Bat: (singing) Beautyyyyyyyyy Schoollllllll Drop out..........Beauty SchoollllllllllDropout.........
to be continued...


Setting: SonnyBucks Coffee Warehouse

Sonny: Gentlemen, Gentlemen, calm down now.
Jason: Blink, yeah, what he said.
Trevor: Why are we here again?
Sonny: I hear they are bringin' in a new guy. Don't like it.
AZ: It's crazy! Nuts! Stupid! I won't stand for it!
Sonny: Ah, maybe you haven't noticed, but you can't stand.
AZ: You're a funny guy, aren't ya? Isn't he funny Johnny?
Johnny: A new mob guy is coming to town? Aren't I the new guy?
AZ: Nooooo, I'm da new guy. You're the new young guy
Spinelli: Well, technically, sir, if I may interject, I'm the younger of the two guys...well, I think so, if we had some evidence of our births.
Johnny: You are not in the mob, dweeb
Jason: Hey.
Spinelli: Yes, I hate to tell the mobular junior that I am, infact, in the mobular realm as you say, albeit in cyberspace.
Jerry: Who cares!? We are all facing a menace! Someone else with an accent. It's just not fair. Not at 'tall.
Sonny: Oh, like you should worry. You're getting it on wid the DA!
Jerry: And I do believe sir, you are boffing the great Kate Howard, so touche!
Jason: We need to talk. I am not. blink. happy
Trevor: Yeah, who is this new guy? I mean, aren't dare enough of us?
Ric: Yeah, aren't there?
Trevor: Oh, like you are really in the mob....geesh.
Ric: (pouts) well, I want to be in the mob...I'm trying. Geesh.
Sonny: Look, all I know is that he's Russian.
Spinelli: Of the nesting egg Russians? You know, those little wooden dolls that...
AZ: Shut up!
Claudia: Daddy...that's not nice.
AZ: What are you doin' here. Hey! Everybody!! What's she doin' here? She gots boobies. She can't be here.
Claudia: Can too. (stomps foot). I can. Really. Uh, ask Jason. I can can't I?
Jason: Who are you again?
Sonny: She's a SLUT! Now..everyone be calm. We can deal with this. Now, we need to start worryin' about this guy's shipments.
AZ: Yeah, the shipments on the waterfront.
Trevor: Oh, the shipments.
Jerry: yes. On the docks. Of which I control 40%.
AZ: Ten..if that.
Sonny: I figure 30...
Spinelli: Actually, if you take the ratio of docks to mobulars in town and divide it by the number of lattes at Kelly's we can...
Sonny: Someone shoot him.
Claudia: well, you can all stand here and gab all day, but I'm going to go talk to management about this. My brother..MY DEAR BROTHER... is the only one that should be considered for this. I didn't come back on this show to have some hack Russian take over...
Jason: Uh, we may have a problem
Sonny: what
AZ: Yeah, spit it out.
Jason: Uh, I hear he has a big gun.
Sonny: Oh, not bigger than MY gun...no way (flashes dimples)
AZ: Gun? He's got a gun? Oooo, I'm so scared. NOT. Now...I got a GUN...heh, heh.
Clauida; Daddy! Don't show us your gun..not here.
Jerry: Hold on, hold on...I'm not putting up with this. I was promised the biggest gun when I started this whole thing and..
Spinelli: Hey? can I get a gun?
Jason: NO! Now...if he has the biggest gun it means..
Ric: Oh. My God.it means we'er all doomed.
Sonny: Not neccessarily...
Trevor: Well, what are we going to do, just wait around until this clown shows up and whips out his gun?
Sonny: No, we are not. We are all going to wear wires and catch him..
Jason: NO WIRES!
Claudia: Well, I'm going to seduce him. that will teach him.
Sonny: Oh, great..he'll run the other way in two seconds flat.
Johnny: HEY!
Jason: I know, let's drink our guava juice and go out and get bigger guns.
Spinelli: Stone Cold seems to be on to something!
Sonny: Ok, I'm getting the juice.
AZ: I got to get a new gig. This blows.
Ric: You're telling me. Sigh...


Setting: Guza's Office

Guza: OMG, here we go, boyz..it's times to come back in the sandbox and play! (rubs hands) Please..take a seat.
Writer One: Dude! Dude! We're back!
Writer Two: I'm tryin' to get the scab stench off my keyboard...
Guza: Listen, I'm here to tell ya'll we are BACK IN A BIG WAY! You, over there in the hat..
Spinelli: It is I, sir the Jackal
Guza: thanks for all the updates when I was at home, loungin' by da pool..cool
Spinelli: My sincere pleasure, my Shakespearian Drama Master.
Writer One: DUDE! That's my boy! Dude!!
Guza: Where's Corinthos?
Sonny: Here. (glare)
Guza: How ya doin?
Sonny: I need ya to know, I'm not doin any of that crap again I did with Connie, Kate whatever you call it. I mean, I'll sleep with her sure...but none of that other stuff. Cause THAT'S NOT ME, GOT IT? (broods)
Jason: Blink. Uh...my hand here. Take a look.
Guza: Boys, boys...calm down, Papa's back! First order of business? Any guesses?
Writer two: Uh! I know! Kill off...uh....Mariana?
Guza: BITE YOUR TONGUE! Don't you know another Sonny-Woman when you see one? Can't you picture it? The pathos of him stealing his brother's Madonna figure? Plus, I created her, I'm not destroying her--she's gotta be pregnant first. Then, maybe we'll talk.
Writer One: OH! Speaking of which, Carly is in crisis right now, sir..right on schedule.
Jax: yeah, I want to talk to you about that because I thought you said maybe I could have a family this yeeah, you know..
Guza: Jax, Oh...Jax..Jaxie, Jax. I gave you your brother..
Jax: Nuface brother and killer brother
Guza: (leans foward) You saying you're not grateful!?
Jax: No! No! Sorry. That's ok. Jest dont' take me surf board ok?
Guza: Just go...how's my new HOT BABE doing?
Claudia: (fanning self) well, if I get any hotter--I'll be on fire, baby.
Sonny: Heh
Claudia: He hates me..
Guza: No, No, Claudia, he doesn't hate you...he wants you and he desires you a totally different thing.
Mariana: Here's your coffee sir.
Guza: there's a good girl, thanks Toots! Now, get yourself a new sweater, here's a C-note
Diane: Oh, this is rich, Just rich!
Guza: Where did this dame come from and how did she get so smart?
Spinelli: Well, sir, it happened in a time when you were, uh, how you say, in the city that never sleeps...and I think you imbibed too much of the fire water and well...it happens?
Guza: I must have been insane! She's not needy, she's smart....she's not involved with Sonny...hey! Wait!
Diane: Don't EVEN go there..
Guza: Ok...you're dead. I'll have you killed by....uh, Max..you can do it because your mother was nasty to you and uh...
Max: Sir? Please sir...I was just starting to get to like what I'm doing and
Diane: What? Am I not here? Hellooo...
Alexis: Come on, let's run...
Writer one: Dude! They're running! OVer there!
Guza: that's ok, we've got explosives set all over the grounds. NEXT! How's our lovely tumor doing?
Emily: (smiles) Fine thanks. And oh, it's wonderful to wear this ball gown so much. Thank you. Really. But, I am a bit worried.
Guza: What, doll?
Emily: Well, it's Nikolas. He's..he's...angry.
Guza: he's a CASSADINE! Besides, we have that Nurse with the rubber ducky to soften him up, right?
Nadine: giggle.
Luke: (runs in) STOP! Stop the presses, pal. I think I have far too many scenes with my daughter. stop it.
Guza: Done. You won't see her for three..no, four months. How's the knee?
Luke: Hurts like hell (leaves). And, I'D BETTER GET A CIGAR SOON! (slams door)
Max: Sir? (picks up Lulu)
Guza: Thanks, Max...take her to the lake to ice fish. (shuffles folder) Look, I'm back. It's time to get the HUGE SHAKEUPS people expect from me. First of all, Carly's lost her baby..now we kill off..uh, Morgan. Then...Bobbie, who needs her. Dont' waste a bullet though, just have her not show up ever again.
Writer One: Dude! YOU ARE ON FIRE!
Guza: Fire! Perfect...now we just had Cam set a fire..let's have Molly fall into a vat of fire. Yeah...(snaps fingers) and Kristina watches. Sonny, you're going to torture little kids, just randomly. We'll set it up that they try to steal some donuts from the shop, you get wise, yada yada. Jason?
Jason: Blink.
Guza: You and Liz? Too cut and dry. She's going to sleep with Lucky and then Logan, then have twins, neither one yours.
Jason: Huh. blink.
Guza: You're despondent, crash your bike, killing Monica and Edward who are walking in the rose garden.
Writer Two: You are brilliant. Simply...oh, I can't speak. Just brilliant.
Spinelli: I bow to you. oh. my master with the pen mightier than the sword.
Guza: Oh, You, Spinielli, your father is going to be Mike Corbin. Some drunk night in Port Orleans. But, you hate him so I want you to poison him--slowly of course.
Spinelli: Sir? Am I finally in the murder club, sir? I am an honor. I mean, I am in honor.
Guza: Ok! So! Get to work. Oh! Last order of business? Get Sam back in the hot tub and out of that horrible giant hospital robe, will ya? And, er..I wanna see Claudia, Leyla, and Dr. Kelly stripping somewhere. Anywhere. Everyone else? That Robin, Patrick storyline?
Writer one: (spits out red bull) PFfffftt...
Guza: done. Do it. over and out. PEACE!


Setting: Wyndemere~ With Special Guest Stars!!

Edward: (dusting off his tails) Dang Nabbit, why did you have to drag me to this God-Forsaken Island, Tracy, I'll never know...mark my words, Helena's behind this!
Tracy: Oh, Daddy...stuff it. Emily and Nikolas are giving money in Alan's name, we had to come.
Ghost Alan: Plus you got a new, Prada, right Tracy?
Tracy: Shut up, Alan.
Monica: Tracy, I seriously think you need to start taking those meds like they told you to because...
Luke: Monica, if she wants to talk to Dead Alan, let her. Maybe we'll get a movie deal out of it, you know from that Shamalamalana guy.
Alfred: (announcing) The family Quartermaine arrives!
Nikolas: I am delighted you could attend. Bows
Luke (shivers) Dang, boy, you remind me of your Uncle more and more every day.
Nikolas: Father.
Luke: I'm not your father!
Nikolas: No, my Uncle is my father.
Luke: Ok, whatever, where's the chow?
Emily: Hello! Thanks for coming, we are so happy, I could just stand here and smile all night long...or look worried if Nikolas gets mad...or look sad if I'm not happy...
Tracy: Oh, brother (rolls eyes)
Ghost Alan: What?
Tracy: Not you!
Jax: Caa-lee! Come on, I thinks I see some Fahstahs on the table...

Robert:(peeks out) Did someone mention Fahstahs?
Carly: You go.. I have to ..ah..ah..fix my slip! (turns around...takes out a side-kick and texts) I WNT 2 C U W R U bt i hv 2 p ?
Spinelli: Hello, Valkyrie of the damsels of distress. What are you doing, using your thumbs in such a manner?
Carly: I'm texting, go away, turtle.
Spinelli: Thou can see you are texting, but pray tell, who too?
Carly: It's To WHOM... None of your beeswax..shoo!
Spinelli: (turns around...) I must warn the forces that texting is going on oh, the humanity!
Nadine: Can we dance?
Spinelli: No, evil nurses-sister. I must go warn the master that I have found the keyboarding involvement and that everyone is in danger!
Nadine: (rolls her eyes) whatever.
Lulu: Hi, who are you?
Nadine: I'm Nadine, hired because I look like you...
Lulu: But see, for the really dumb in the audience, I'm wearing this black key, so we can tell each other apart, ok?
Nadine: cool.
Maxie: Oh, my God...two skanks! I think I drank too much...
Lulu: Who are you calling a skank, skankie, skanka-reenie?
Maxie: I'm going to punch you!'
Lucky: Ladies, Ladies...please....go find some real punch...
Sam: Are you ignoring me?
Lucky: No, I mean, I brought you here, we danced 3 dances and..
Sam: I think I saw you blink in Elizabeth's general direction and I'm sick of it!
Liz: Did I hear my name mentioned? (glare)
Sam: NO..we don't even THINK ABOUT YOU! (double-glare)
Liz: Well, Lucky.. I need to talk to you about your brother.
Sam: Oh, sure, use THAT excuse..you suck. In a major way.
Liz: Lucky, Nikolas is acting funny. I saw him pacing around and then, he bit the tail off of one of the house cats!
Lucky: Really?
Liz: Really! One chomp, it was gone. Do you think something could be wrong?
Lucky: Well, he is a Cassadine..did you ask Emily?
Liz: She said she only saw him impale himself on the head with a hammer once. That's not too bad, right?
Lucky: No..guess not..
Patrick: (Stumbles out, eyeball hanging from the socket) You'd better control your brother or I might just have to leave!
Robin: Oh, it's nothing, a band aid will do...
(everyone runs in)
Alexis (breathing into a paper bag) Good God! Look! Look! (Ric's against the wall with an arrow through his head)
Ric: Ouch.
Luke: Dang...that must have hurt! Then again, you do look like Steve Martin...
Monica: I'm a doctor!
Leyla: (shoves her aside) well, I'm a nurse and much younger and with more cleavage, let me lean over and give my royal assessment.
Robin: Ok, move away
Leyla: No!
Robin: I'm telling you..
Ric: OUCH!
Bobbie: Does anyone need me?
Tracy: Bobbie, since when did ANYONE need you on this show?
Jerry: Pray tell, Who, dear brother, is that?
Skye: It's Whom...
Jax: IT's BAH-BAH JEAN! You's were marryin' heah when ya got nicked by the FEDs.
Jerry: Really.
Skye: Yeah, but you were brunette and had an accent then.
Jerry: Must be all this international intrigue, I remember nothing!
Patrick: Hold my eyeball Robin, while I extract his arrow...
Emily: Oh, Alfred, I'm so sorry to tell you this, but someone has been injured, Dinner will be on hold.
Alfred: very good, my dear. (goes into kitchen)
Gordon Ramsay: What the *K do you want old fart?
Alfred: Sir, I'm sorry to inform you that dinner must be delayed
Gordon Ramsay: What the **K! (beep) **K (beep) that, **K!(beep!) I quit! **K!(beep!)
(He leaves, out of the shadows steps Zucchini, dressed as a chef) I will be pleased to take over, Mr. Butler. Ramsay trained me well. heh, heh, heh (holds up a butcher's knife-Thunder noise comes on)
Alfred: Very well. Carry On.
Tim Gunn: Hey, that's my line!
Kate: Hello, Tim, enjoying the party?
Tim Gunn: It's wonderful! Why didn't you tell me you knew the Cassadines? You know, I dressed Helena as early as 1989 when she went to Milan for the yacht races. Where is Helena anyway?
Kate: I'm not sure. I'm waiting for Sonny..he's a gangster, but a nice dresser, so I overlook some things!
Tim Gunn: I should say you should! I've seen him on Court TV..delish!
Johnny: Come with me..
Lulu: Hey!
Johnny: I'm saving you!
Lulu: But Logan then Spinelli then Max then Milo save me..I don't need..
Georgie: Some girls have all the luck. Sigh. (she's grabbed from behind and pulled into the wall/tunnel).
Zucchini: One down...heh. heh....(thunder noise)
Michael Scott: That's what she said...

TO BE CONTINUED!! Watch for: Jason's return with the Go-Go's water skiiing! The eerie floating tricks of Criss Angel, Mind Freak! And, a special appearance by....Faison!!! Hellswo.


Setting: Sonny's backyard

Edward: Dang nabbit, I think I just stepped in dog poo!
Tracey: Why are we having this at Sonny's house anyway? It's usually in the park or at our house...
Monica: Haven't you noticed? The Corinthos' patio is the new Quartermaine rose garden. Hey, I don't care, one less mess to clean up.
Kate: (wearing Prada) Hello.
Monica: Who are you?
Edward: Yes, my dear...how did you escape my 'BEAUTY radar'?
Kate: I am Kate Howard, editor of Couture magazine...
Monica: Really? Here in Port Charles? Whatever for?
Kate: Haven't you heard? Port Charles is the new Hamptons...
Tracey: (rolls eyes) News to me.
Michael: (runs past) Morgan's eating a fish! Morgan's eating a fish!
Kate: Leave my koi alone!
Sonny: Heh..boys will be boys...is everyone happy here?
Tracey: Well, if you can call these pathetic cocktail weenies food..then, yes...
Max: Sir, we need you out front...
Sonny: (clenches teeth) Not now, can't you see I'm entertaining...
Max: But sir, there's a guy out there with a bomb and a machine gun..
Sonny: I guess I'd better take care of this.
Skye: I hope it's not dangerous.
Tracey: In Port Charles? Certainly not.
Meanwhile over by the BBQ grill...
Scottie: I am not your father!
Logan: You are too.
Scottie: Am not!
Logan: Look at the hair man...look at the hair!!
Lulu: You sure look good to me..giggle.
Maxie: (hiding in the bushes) that skank...I'll get her! She's supposed to sleep with Logan not flatter him!
Spinelli: I caught you oh, dangerous blonde one! You are certainly a crafty wench.
Maxie: Get away from me, you freak!
Spinelli: The Jackal sees you spying on the fair one. It's not right, her beauty shall remain pure and untouched by the likes of you!
Maxie: Ewww. Go away..this is my bush.
Spinelli: I am sure there's a jest in there, but the Jackal will take the higher ground and take his leave.
Maxie: And get a life...geesh. Wait, did Tracey mention weenies??
Jason: (out front) There, it's all taken care of.
Sonny: What was it?
Jason: one of Zucchini's men. Trying to kill us all. I stared him down though. He's gone.
Sonny: Damn Lansings!
Jason: Blink. I said it was a Zucchini...
Spinelli: Zucchini? The Jackal prefers Summer Squash, actually.
Sonny: (stares) GET OUTTA HERE!
Spinelli: Yes, oh, Godfather one.
Back out back:
Carly: who let Morgan eat a squirrel?
Kate: I assure you, that squirrel was imported from the finest forest in all of Germany. I didn't know your brat would eat it..
Michael: Well, all the koi were gone so...
Carly: Wait, did you just call my boy a brat?
Kate: If the shoe fits..
Carly: Why you..I'll tear your hair right out..what is that style anyway? Early Posh without the conditioner?
Scott: CAT FIGHT! whoop!
Logan: look at 'em go..what a sight...sigh...
Scott: Sigh....(looks at Logan) No, you're NOT MY SON!
Robin: Hey..look at how cute Morgan is with that squirrel tail..
Patrick: Don't get started on KIDS! I Don't want any, didn't I tell you that? (glares)
Robin: I was just saying...
Patrick: I know what you were saying...(walks away..)
Robin: Geesh, Lainey, he's so moody!
Lainey: I don't know why I'm here, I see almost everyone at this party, I can't talk about anything!
Jax: Heh, dinga shieler barbie! I'm puttin' on another shrimp...Carlee, leave Kate alone and come have a Fostah's!
Carly: (panting) and why are you all cheerful? You actually slept with an international spy who was holding you at gunpoint. Don't expect me to be all nice to you!
Jerry: Carly, he was forced..
Carly: yeah, right...and I was forced to break a nail trying to rescue him while he was really lusting after your old girlfriend!!
Jerry: You are insufferable.
Carly: You are a pig.
Jax: Come on, jest get along. My brusies are almost gone and we can get back to our lives!
Carly: Speak for yourself.
back at the terrace
Ric: I hate you father, just as I hate my brother.
Trevor: I hate you too, just as I hate your brother.
Sonny: I hate you both, just as I hate my enemies.
Alexis: Well, why are you all here in Port Charles then?
Trevor: Haven't you heard, Port Charles is the new Payton Place!
Sonny: I didn't invite ya anyway. Go away.
Ric: Or, wait...let me guess, you'll push me down the stairs.
Maxie: (In the bushes) did someone say blow?!
Liz: Oh, Lucky..there you are. Cam's been looking for you.
Sam: We're skinny dipping in the fountain, can't you see that you idiot?
Liz: Oh, my gosh..you have like, no clothes on!
Sam: Don't I look good?
Lucky: What? I'm just protecting her...
Liz: She has no clothes on!
Lucky: So what, you slept with Jason...
Liz: So what, you were hooked on pills!
Lucky: So! You lied!
Liz: So..so..you slept with that Slut Maxie!
Maxie (From the bushes) I HEARD THAT!!!
Lucky: Go away.
Sam: yeah, we are enjoying ourselves. Pass me the oil, will you Lucky?
Lucky: (yells after Liz) But I do want to work on our marriage! really!
Amelia: Hey, Lucky, you missed a spot on Sam's left shoulder...
Sam: Why are you still here?
Amelia: I have no idea. I've outlived my usefulness but I guess I'll continue to monitor my "star" for a bit longer.
Sonny: May I have your attention everyone! The feast is ready! Come and eat.
Tracey: What is this anyway?
Sonny: Cuban-Miami fusion food...
Monica: What is this, the new Food Network?
Morgan: (burp) I'm full....
Carly: Honey, wipe the squirrel fuzz off your face and eat something healthy. God only knows where it's been.
Maxie: I heard that!!
Carly: Oh, my God, I meant the squirrel!
Maxie: Oh, my bad. Nevermind.


Setting: Offices of GH

Guza: (hits buzzer) Shirley! Get Corinthos in here! NOW!
JFP: I don't know what all the fuss is about ...this was bound to happen, Bob.
Guza: Not on MY WATCH! Does he even know what this will do to us? Didn't I have the best team on this? All those guys from Pine Valley? God, this is horrible.
JFP: Maybe not, maybe it will save the show.
Guza: Oh, funny, Jill...you're a laugh-riot. Now, where is that guy..
JFP: shhhhhh. wait, I think I can hear his shoes clicking on the floor as we speak.
Door Opens, Sonny walks in...
JFP: Hey..(blush)..how, ah, are you? (giggle)
Sonny: How you doin?
Guza: Ok! Enough, Corinthos, sit down. We got a legal notice in the mail.
Sonny: I won't talk without my attorney.
Guza: Who is it this week? Ok, whatever, you are a major pain in the butt. (hits buzzer) SHIRLEY! Get Alexis in here!!
Sonny: Don't want her.
Guza: That's who you're gonna get. Now..tell me, you know what this is about, right?
Sonny: Maybe.
JFP: Ok, that's ok..can I rub your feet while we wait? Get you something to drink? An Emmy perhaps?
Sonny: Thanks, Toots, but no...
Alexis: (blowing in a paper bag)...what..puff...what..I was in a chemo session!
Guza: Have a seat. And fix your wig. God...what are we running here anyway?
Sonny: Hey, how you doin?'
Guza; What? are you Joey now? Shut up!
JFP: Bob, I won't sit here while our star is subjected to this talk!
Jason: (Sticks his head in the door) I HEARD THAT!
Guza: Sorry, Morgan...won't happen again....now, Sonny, I have here a legal document that says..
Alexis: Let me see that (puts on her glasses, looks over the paper, then at Sonny)...is this true?
Sonny: heh...what can I say?
JFP: Well, they are waiting from Access Hollywood right outside.
Guza: I can't even believe this!!!!!
Sonny: Well, I couldn't help myself!
Alexis: When did you have the time?
Sonny: I took off to the island and the next thing I knew, there she was and one thing led to another...I bought her a dress..
Alexis: (Hand up) no more, I got it....been there, done that.
JFP: (crying) oh, Sonny, how could you?!!
Sonny: Easy.. I mean first I took off..
Guza: Enough! Do we have PR control on this!?
JFP: Some but not much. They are going to announce the findings today.
Sonny: Ah..(leans back in his chair) life is good!

Later that day...
Nancy Grace: Hello, folks. In a stunning reversal the Bahamas Court has come out to say that the father of Anna Nicole's baby is not Larry Birkhead but none other than Sonny Corinthos of Corinthos (fingers up in quotes) "Coffee". Seems that the head people at ABC pulled a DNA switch that would make any scientist proud! That story and the case of the bloody Cambridge Knife Killer up next. I know it was the husband. Stay tuned.



Nikolas: Uncle...Father..I mean, Uncle, Helena has my son!
Bat: Nikolas, I am so chagrined that this has befallen you. Perhaps a walk on the parapet would help.
Embrat: NO! You know what happens out there, Nikolas (tilts head, tries to cry) people fall to their death!
Bat: Thank you for reminding me of that, Miss Quartermaine. You certainly know how to break the mood.
Nikolas: Stop this! My son is missing!
Bat: Perhaps Mrs. Landsbury could bring you a glass of Ouzo. That warms the heart.
Alfred: Mrs. Landsbury No longer works here, Mr. Cassadine. A lot has changed since you've left.
Bat: I understand that, Alfred. It's just sometimes my mind wanders. Like I remember the time my dear Lasha walked down that very staircase wearing nothing but a toga and her barefeet. Sigh... those were special times.
Nikolas: Father-Uncle, please call your contacts in Zurich to see if you can locate Grandmother.
Bat: Splendid idea! I shall do it at once.
Embrat: Do you think that's a good idea? I mean, have you told him the name of the baby yet?
Nikolas: No..and I don't want you to either. Father-Uncle has enough to worry about. The grape crop has fallen to a frost and our funds are in danger.
(knock at the door)
Nikolas: ENTER!
Jax: (carrying a giant stuffed kangaroo) I'm here's to see me favorite ex-son! Wheah is he? That littl' John..I mean, sorry, Nikolas..no offense, but I did name him first.
Nikolas: After you stole him from me! Is that a kangaroo? Do you think you can bribe him with the symbols of your country?
Jax: When he stahts wanin' the Fostah's beer, you'll see...
Embrat: That's a lovely gift, Jax...I'll be happy to take it for Spencer.
Jax: Wheah is he?
Nikolas: He has been taken away! First by an evil Nanny and then by Grandmother!
Jax: I tolds you that John didn't need to be raised by Cassadines! Blimey Dinga! Blasta! Crikey!
Bat: Enough of this talk. Mr. Jax, I shall have to ask you to leave.
Jax: Ya can't...the last transport launch left and I'm stuck here for the night.
Nikolas: Great.
Bat: I'll have Alfred make up a room in the tunnels for you.
(doors burst open)
Mac: We found her.
Helena: Unhand me !!
Mac: She was trying to buy some Chanel No 5 before she left the country. We nabbed her at Wyndom's Department store.
Helena: I couldn't leave the country without it. Savages.
Nikolas: Where's Spencer?
Helena: You mean Nikolas the II? He's safe.
Bat: Excuse me, Nikolas, who is this "Spencer"??
Nikolas: I was going to tell you Uncle...you see I named my son Spencer.
Helena: Good Lord. I think you hit your head one too many times.
Bat: WHAT! WHAT! Spencer? You named your son after our MORTAL ENEMIES??
Nikolas: I named my son after my MOTHER!
Helena: Well, even "Laura" would have been better than Spencer.
Bat: Or what about Webber! She was a Webber, you know.
Emily: I think she was a Vinning..wasn't she?
Bat: No, that was her sister's name...although I think she was a Vinning before she came to Port Charles...
Helena: SILENCE! Enough of this nonsense. My name of Nikolas the 2nd shall stand.
Bat: Mother, you can't name the baby, he'll be cursed forever.
Jax: See, I told you that John was the name to go with ya bush-waackahs!
Bat: Isn't that the moniker for a bathroom in this country?
Embrat: Ewwwwww.
Alfred: With all due respect, may I interject a thought?
Helena: NO! You are the help, you many NOT interject anything. I have already commissioned a Faberge egg for Nikolas the 2nd. You can not change the name now.
Alfred: Oh, yes I can, because you see, my dear lady... I am really MIKKOS! (tears off his face) I have been pretending to serve you to get the fortune back into my clutches and to once again freeze-dry Port Charles!!!!!
Bat: Father?
Helena: (faints)
Nikolas: Grandfather?
Emily: Oh, Dear.
Mac: You know, I think you're still wanted in about 9 countries.
Mikkos Back! All of you! (reaches behind desk) I have the heir now! I shall take him far, far away and teach him the principals of weather machines and evilness!
Nikolas: You give Spencer back right now!
Mikkos: Spencer? You silly boy. He is certainly NOT to be called Spencer! Apollo perhaps..but I have chosen a better name. One that will live in infamy!
Jax: Yas can't change it now. I mean, unless it's back to John...
Alfred: No fool--it shall be a name that reflects all that is Cassadine. All that is Greek..all that is important in our world! BEHOLD!! THE CHILD KNOWN AS "FETA"!!
Bat: (thinks) Wonderful choice, father...wonderful.
Nikolas: Yes. Why didn't I think of that.
Emily: Wait..isn't that the stinky cheese you keep trying to get me to eat?
Bat: Did you call the holy feta 'stinky'?? Nikolas, you must throw this woman off the parapet at once!!
Nikolas: Believe me, I've thought about it.
Mikkos: Come, let us drink the Ouzo and dance around the table in our togas!
Bat: Oh, it's so good to be home (wipes a tear away).
Embrat: Mr Cassadine, why do you wear that eye patch?
Bat: OH, this? Haven't you seen Pirates of the Caribbean? I do believe I look like that Mr Depp chap if I do say so myself...


Setting: Offices of ELQ

Edward: Dang, nabbit...stop talking all at once, I can't hear you!
Maxie: Well, I'm Pregnant!
Liz: ME too and I'm not happy about it.
Lulu: Well I WAS Pregnant, so I count too
Luke: Yeah, old man, you got some explanations to dish out.
Skye: Well, I am pregnant, but not because, well, you know....
Liz: You can say it. The CONDOM BROKE...stupid condoms.
Jason: Uh, I don't get it.
Liz: (whispers) I'll explain it to you later.
Edward: Now, ladies, settle down, I assure you that no one knew about the problems we were having with these condoms until we read about it in the press.
Dillon: You know that's not true. Harrison from quality control came to you months ago to tell you there was something wrong.
Edward: Well, he didn't tell me! He must have told my staff...
Jax: What is it with this country? Do yer all have a staff that doesn't tell yer things?
Liz: Hey, Carly, why the hell are you here? Don't tell me YOU'RE ...
Carly: Nope! For once, I'm happy to say I'm not pregnant.
Dillon: That's just because no daytime character is allowed more than two little kids at once. I mean, you ever seen a woman running around in a minivan trying to plan for 3 or 4 kids? Doesn't happen.
Carly: I can still get pregnant if I want to....I can.
Jason: Uh, don't sit next to Sonny.
Sonny: I just want to say that I've used Enduros my whole life and I haven't had ANY mishaps...
(Jaws drop around the table)
Sonny: Well...you know, what I mean.
Edward: Er, well..let's get back to these lawsuits. If you think ELQ is paying anyone for anything, you are mistaken. There is no way in hell we are paying anyone a RED CENT!
Tracey: You know...It's hard for me to believe that you all had tawdry sex with each other and each other's partners all within a month and all used Enduros. I mean, what are the odds?
Alexis: Actually, the odds are 8 million 900 and 44 to one. (looks over her glasses) What?
Ric: Is that what you've been doing? I mean don't you have cancer or something?
Alexis: That doesn't mean my mind still isn't working. That and the fact I have two girls, meaning I will not be pregnant again. Whew.
Lainey: Well, Edward, The psychological ramifications alone are stunning. I just may stay on the show for a whole year. Can you imagine?
Justus: (yells from beyond the grave) Don't count on it, Sister!
Sam: Hey! Carly: What about you?
Sam: I WANT to be pregnant! Like, really, really bad! (cries)
Jason: Blink
Sam: And I've tried and God! I mean, I was with Ric and then Jason and then that other guy on the corner.
Jason: Blink blink.
Sam: and NOTHIN! Not even a little tiny hint of a baby. Sucks. (cries)
Skye: Maybe that's because ABC thought you'd be on to bigger and better things by now, sweetie.
Ric: Yeah... I mean, come on, even Lisa Rinna got to do some ET segments.
Sam: Shut up! There's still time.
Luke: Don't count on it, darlin'. Hell, I was on the cover of Newsweek and People...
Maxie: Well...giggle...maybe they Googled you....giggle.
Dillon: Swaaaaa---weeeeeeeeet!
Sam: Oh my God, you Googled Me?
Jax: Uh, the entiah town Googled yer.
Edward: I plead the fifth.
Liz: Hey! This is not helping! I want answers! I will not live with another man's child thinking it's another man's child...
Lucky: Hello, remember Cameron?
Liz: That doesn't count. Besides, you are a druggy!
Lucky: AM not!
Liz: Are too!
Maxie: Oh, Lucky, leave that witch for me...I have your baby..I'm the one that has your Vicodin..I'm the one with 8 pounds of mascara on my lashes...
Edward: I am not paying ONE CENT to you depraved individuals and that's final!
Big Alice: Edward, I have something to tell you.
Edward: Good LORD, not you too!
Big Alice: Well, it was just one time but yes...I am with child.
Edward: Who's is it? It's not that shifty gardener Miguel is it? Because I have noticed the roses have been looking very shoddy lately...
Big Alice: Uh..no.
Sonny: I couldn't help it man, she was one of the last gals in town I hadn't gotten busy with and...
Carly: Oh my God!!
(door bangs open) Epiphany: Where is he? Where's that wiley little toad of a man?
Luke: (whispers to Sonny) Run, man, while you got the chance...
Sonny: Dang. I'm outta here.
Mac? Two MORE Corinthos spawns in this town? That's it. I've had it. I quit.
Robin: Wait..I thought you quit the show months ago.
Robert: Yeah, I haven't seen you in ages!
Luke: Hey, man, where you been hiding?
Robert: Ah, you know..here and there...
Liz: SHUT UP! I want answers!
Edward: We are launching a top investigation and I assure you that those responsible for this heinous act will be gone from ELQ! IF there was a cover up, we'll know about it and do something about it then. I want to tell you all, I had NO knowledge of this scandal beforehand. None whatsoever!
Luke: That reminds me, don't we gotta vote soon?
Jax: Er..I can'ts vote
Robert: Me neither, mate
Anna: I'm afraid I can't either...
Edward: WE NEED TO BUILD A GIANT WALL to keep you ungrateful immigrants OUT!
Dillon: (whispers to Edward) great change of topic, gramps
Edward: Watch and learn son, watch and learn...MEETING'S over!
Maxie: Come on, Mini, there's a sale on Emo outfits at Hot Topic...
Carly: I swear Sonny, you are such a male ho...
Sonny: Heh.
Jason: Blink. Uh, what's next?
Sam: I'm stomping around the docks for awhile.
Dillon: (lights a cigar) ah..I think I'll be on MADE next, you know "I want to be a CEO"...
Robin: Mom, Dad...time to go back in the closet. I'm sorry, but you know, there's just so much going on. I have to stand outside Laura's door and tell everyone she's waking up.
Mac: At least you got a closet...
Alexis: Now, Ric...we have a schedule to stick to. At 11 o'clock I tell Christina I'm dying...at noon we'll go over your plans with Lorenzo and then at four, you're shot and then we can go back to the hospital for a couple of days.
Carly: Hope I'm the one doing the shooting!
Jason: blink. Am I shot again?
Carly: KEEP UP! No! Not this month. Geesh.
Lulu: Well, that's that. I'm off to go buy my PCU hoodie. See ya.
Luke: Bye darlin'..don't take any wooden condoms. Get it?
Tracey: Oh, please.


Setting: robin and patrick wake up in her 3 bedroom apartment which she shares with lainey and kelly.

patrick: oh my god last night was amazing. i'm so good in bed.
robin: *scowl* i was here too, you know patrick: oh yeah. you were. yeah, you were okay. anyways make me some coffee, love?
robin: *scowl* what? this isn't about love? this is just sex! are you starting to have feelings for me?
patrick: no i'm starting to have a caffeine headache. coffee. now.

robin, screaming: 'lainey, why didn't you make the coffee this morning?!'
*no answer.* she goes into lainey's room - nobody there. it's vacant - all of her things are gone.
robin: dr. lee? why don't i know your first name? are you here?!
robin stumbles into dr. lee's room. she too is gone. no trace of her. all of her things are gone too.
patrick: 'what's goin on out here?'
robin: 'thought you were sleeping?'
patrick: i was til you were screaming. robin: i think my roommates moved out. they haven't been around much lately since we got the place. then they kind of started fading when you and i got back together. i just don't get it
patrick: wait-- wait-- wait your hot roommates don't live here anymore?
robin: i dont think so. all their stuff is gone.
patrick: yeah, uhm, this just isn't gonna work out...
patrick runs out the door.
robin scowls.


Graphic by:sally.block@gmail.com

Alternative Title: Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil
Setting: Sonny's Garden, Late One Night
Note: This is in no way mocking BiPolar disorder; this is mocking the writers who write about BiPolar disorder...

Sonny: (digging with vigor) Yo, ho! Yo ho..a pirates life for me...
Emily: Sonny...oh, my GOSH! My sweetiepie Sonny! What are you doing?
Sonny: Who goes there!? Name yourself!
Emily: Sonny? It's me...Emily...Emily, the purest love you've ever known...
Sonny: Lily?! Lily? Is that you Lily?
Emily: (wiping Sonny's brow with a towel) Oh..sniff...I just don't know what to do! Snifff....My strong manly man...digging holes..
Sonny; (gets all nasty) HOLES! YOU CALL THESE HOLES?! Can't you see..they're..they're..shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! --wait--- do you hear that?
Emily: Uh..(eyes huge) no, hear what?
Sonny: I think someone's coming! Hit the deck! (throws Emily to the ground)
Emily: oof! ouch..
Max: Uh..sir
Sonny: Ahoy, ya swabbie! Is that you Brutus?
Max: Uh...sure, Boss, whatever you say..want your Spinach?
Sonny: Are you mocking me, son? Because if you're mocking me...I'll call the master in and make YOU DIG THESE HOLES! I'm tired of the holes!
Max: Come on, Miss Emily, let's get you cleaned up.
Emily: Ok..Sonny, honey, I'll make you a nice sandwich. That should help. Some lemonade...I'll make you some...
Sonny: Gotta dig, dig..gotta dig, dig...Find the treasure.
Ric: (Creeps out from behind the bushes) Hey, there brother. (evil glint in his eye)
Sonny: Whatda yaaaaaaaaaaah want?
Ric: I see you're digging there, good job.
Sonny: Yep. I know it. Mom always liked me better, I know it.
Ric: Remember, I buried her special necklace somewhere in this yard. Just for you...
Sonny: Yep, yep...necklace, necklace to find. Yep...how's the coffee?
Ric: Oh, we've taken over Dunkin' Donuts, didn't I tell you?
Ric: Sonny, they make the best coffee anywhere, and soon, it will be Dunkin' Sonny's.
Sonny: Nice ring to it...
Ric: Just remember, the secret to the universe is the number 17...
Sonny: I got it. 17. Damn. Gotta dig.
Ric: that's right (rubs hands together) BRAHHHHHHHHAHAHHAAHAHA! (leaves)
Sonny: Now. Where was I? Oh..yeah. Roses...Gotta get some roses. MAX!!!! MAX!!!!!!
Helena: (steps out from behind the fence) Oh, Mr Corinthos, you don't need your Max, now do you?
Sonny: Who are you? (squits) Mother?
Helena: Oh, you flatter me. No, I'm someone much more important to you.
Sonny: Look ...lady, I gotta dig these holes, you see, there's something really, really great down there...
Helena: Oh, I know that, I buried it.
Sonny: Wait. You're Blackbeard?
Helena: No...you silly, silly, man. I'm the one that is making you dig. Remember? We had that lovely feta sandwich party last week and you tasted the Ouzo I brought from the Island of Skaattos?
Sonny: I'm all foggy. I don't know NOTHIN' NO MORE!
Helena: Just the way I wanted it! Now, you keep digging and soon...I shall have my revenge and reward all at the same time!
Sonny: I'm not lookin' for my mother's necklace?
Helena: No, my swarthy sweaty Latino God, you are not.
Sonny: I'm not planting roses?
Helena: certainly not.
Sonny: Oh, wait..I remember..this is where you buried...uh, uh...what is that again?
Helena: His NAME is Stavros and you'll know you've found him when you hit the hyperbolic oxygen chamber with your little shovel there.
Sonny: Uh. Yeah...
Helena: But! As far as your lovely wife is concerned...you're looking to plant roses. And your brother? I'll take care of him.
Sonny: Take care of him..hmmmmm, ok.
Helena: I knew I'd find a purpose for you. After all, I can't have your baby, so this is the next best thing. You can resurrect MY baby!
Sonny: You're one strange dame, that's all I can say...
Helena: So I hear, Mr. Corinthos, So I hear.
Sonny: (singing) "I've got a mule her name is Sal...15 miles on the Erie Canal..."
Faison: OH, des Helwena..why can't I's bees the one to diggin dahs hole?
Helena: Shhh, there, there, you'll get yours soon too Caesar. After all, there are an awful lot of blondes around town lately.
Faison: Oh, yes. I wants da donuts.
Helena: Oh, all right, you can have the donut company as well.
Faison: Yes! Da Faiswan shall rules the worlds in donuts!


Setting: Q Mansion

Edward: Dang NABBIT! What does a body have to do to get some space around here? Tracey, move your feet, will you please? I need to get a drink!
Tracey: Don't blame me, father...you're the one that invited everyone in Port Charles to live here. What's he doing here anyway?
Robert: I'll haves ya know, that I'm jest heah to make yer hubby mad as hell...heh, kinda like ol' times...
Edward: What in the Sam Hill did you say? I'm going to have to get Jax over here to interpret for me. Wait, what about your brother?
Robert: Me brotha who?
Edward: You know, tall fella, curly hair..does something at the Police Station..Marc..or Mike...or
Mini: It's MAC! MAC! God! (crosses arms)
Dillon: I'm sorry, Gerogie, you know Gramps, always forgetting something.
Robert: Nah, I fergot too. Plus, that dinga's done gone and lost his accent! HE sounds like yer yanks!
Luke: Did I hear yank? Heh.
Robert: Should I calls ya Butthead now or latah?
Alan: For Godsakes, can't anyone read the paper? I feel like I'm in a boarding house.
Edward: Where's my grandson?
Dillon: DUH...right here...
Edward: No, the other one...
Tracey: Ned's been in the gatehouse for about 4 months now. I do hope cook remembered to feed him.
Edward: No, not him..the other one..you know...the...
Monica: Don't say what I think you're going to say!
Edward: What? He knows he's black, just like I'm sure you know you're wearing a really bad wig!
Tracey: Pffffffft.
Monica: Hey, that's not nice. Besides THIS IS MY HOUSE and you're inviting everyone but the town tramp to move in!
Dillon: Don't talk about Emily that way!
Luke: Snap, good one.
Dillon: Just doing my part, dude.
Monica: I'll have you know Emily is a SAINT!
Alan: Yes, she became a doctor overnight and with no training. More than I can say for any of you!
Edward: Alice!...DING DONG....ALICEEEE!
Luke: Hey, Ralph, hold your pants on, I'll get it.
Sonny: Hey, Luke, can I come in.
Luke: Uh..I don't know pal, you're not exactly welcome here..
Luke: What the *uck?
Sonny: I need a cup of coffee and a large cigar.
Edward: What's the meaning of this?
Emily: (rushes in) Oh, I'm sorry, come on Sonny, time to go home.
Sonny: Grrrr.
Emily: uh, he's just..tired. that's all. Tired.
Sonny: Grrrrrrr!
Robert: Looks tah me likes he's got the toad poisoning!
Luke: The what?
Robert: Yah, knows, when ya lick them toads and ya gets all funny..
Luke: Oh! Dude, do you take me back...
Monica: Get him out of here, he's eating the plants!
Sonny: just a little dressing on these and it will be fine.
Emily: Come on, let's go...
Sonny: NOT until I have my....my...hey, who the hell are you?
Robert: Scorpio. Robert Scorpio.
Sonny: (squints) Another one? God, you're comin' out of the woodwork. I bet you're a flatfoot too.
Luke: Flatfoot. Pfffffffffffft.
Dillon: You're a God, Luke, you know that?
Mini: Luke, Luke, Luke! Why don't you marry him?
Tracey: Because I'M MARRIED TO HIM, girlie, that's why. Come on, where's dinner?
Robert: Hey, mate, come ovah heah.
Luke: What's up?
Robert: Jest thought I'd tell yas I signed us up for a cool American show--let's blow this pop stand and go..
Luke: Cool. Where to?
Robert: It's called the Amazin' Race....I thinks we can win!
Luke: Anything to get out of Port Charles, man..
Dillon: Hey, can I come too? Can I?
Luke: God, kid, get away from me...
Mini: (crying) I HATE YOU!!!!
Sonny: (throwing bar ware) She loves me, she LOVES ME NOT..she...
Monica: Oh, my God.
Alan: I give up.
Tracey: You know, if there were cameras in here, I'd swear we were being Punk'd right now.
Edward: Why did I come back? Why lord?!
Alice: DINNER!
Luke: I'm gettin' while the getting's good.
Robert: I heah the guys name is Phil and yous win prizes with a gnome and...
Emily: Here, let me sing to you "I Don't KNOW HOW TO LOOOOVE HIM..what to do, how to MOOOOOOOOOOVE him; He's a MAN, He's JUST A MAN"......
Dillon: and we know how many "men you've had before"...
Alice: I give up. Feed yourselves.

ST Paddy's Day WUB
Setting: Q Mansion

Edward: Dang Nabbit! Reginald! Reginald!
Ned: Grandfather, hold on to your ever-changing face, there. He hasn't worked here for years.
Edward: What? Oh...well, nevermind. Help me get this pot of gold in the library.
Ned: What's that for?
Edward: I'm playing a trick on Tracey, she'll think we made a bunch of money on that Dubai port deal.
Tracey: No such luck, father...I can smell your foolishness a mile away. Besides...today is the day I try to show that good for nothing Georgie who's the woman of the house!
Monica (yells off camera) It's MY HOUSE!
Tracey: Oh, shut her up will ya?
Luke: (walks in) Tip-O' the Mornin' to ya...(does a shot)
Tracey: It's TOP, you moron. Are you drinking already?
Luke: Sure am, darlin',tis the Irish in me, don't cha know.
Ned: Spencer is Irish?
Luke: Hmmmmm. Don't know, don't care. Hey, Edward. Hell, what happened to you? Last month you were taller than me!
Alan: Maybe he's shrinking from old age.
Edward: That's the thanks I get for coming back from my trip to another network?? No potatoes for you today!
Mini: Good Morning!
Tracey: Snarl..
Dillon: Come on, mom, that's getting old. Besides, it's St Patrick's day. Let's all be nice to each other.
Luke: Uh, pal? That has nothing to do with today. Believe me.
Mini: Well, er...I er....have to go..er..because...
Emily: Hello all! (bird chirping music) Isn't it just a glorious wonderful, magical day? Sigh.
Luke: Ok, I'm gonna puke...
Alan: Where have you been all night, Emily?
Emily: Why..I ..er, have no idea what you're talking about! Jax..er, well, uh.. Carly needed me to..I mean Elizabeth and Lucky wanted me to watch Cameron. That's it.
Tracey: (rolls eyes)
Ned: So, that's why you smell like coffee?
Emily: Oh, you silly. So, when's dinner? I'm starved! We are having the traditional green pizza, right?
Luke: Green what? Oh, I'd better sit down.
Tracey: You are sitting.
Luke: I'd better stand then.
Alexis: Hello, all, sorry I'm late.
Tracey: Who invited you!?
Ric: I did.
Ned: Who invited you?!
Emily: I did.
Edward: What in tar-nation! COOK! GET MORE POTATOES!!
Alexis: Hello...Skye.
Luke: Skye? You're here?
Skye: I've been here the whole time, Luke.
Luke: whoops. My bad.
Skye: Anyone have any Lucky Charms? I'm starving.
Alexis: Lucky Charms? That's funny..I craved them when I was pregnant with Krist....
Luke: Uh, oh.
Skye: Good Going, Alexis.
Tracey: Just what we need, baby number 89,000 in this town!
Georgie: I'd loooooooove a baby..sigh.
Dillon: Let's eat.
Jax: Sorry we're late. But the dinga danga traffic was terrible! Cahlee,, come on...
Carly: Well, Michael won't wear his hat and he doesn't look like a leprechaun without his hat.
Luke: that kid would look like a leprechaun in the dark, with a sheet over his head. Hic
Carly: Was that nice? Was it?
Luke: I'm not nice, don't you know that by now? Here, little kid, want a slug of the hair of the dog?
Michael: We're getting a dog?!? COOL!
Carly: Luke, SHUT UP!
Nikolas: There you two are. I want to see John.
Luke: You want to use the John? It's over there to your left.
Nikolas: (stares) Listen, it's a part of Courtney, I have to see him! My Faberge Egg is starting to throb! Please! I command you.!
Carly: Take your prince act someplace else because we don't care!
Tracey: Jax..let me ask you. Are you a natural blonde?
Jax: yep. Jest like me Mum ...
Tracey: And Courtney, she was pretty bleached out too, right?
Jax: yep..looked like a albino-dingah she did..
Tracey: and John? I mean, I think I saw that kid and his hair is the color of..why, it's the color of...
Carly: HEY! Jerry Jax's hair is that color! That's all! I mean, look at Michael, where the hell did he come from?!
Michael: Jason said a cabbage patch in Africa, Mom...
Jax: Tracey, I have no ider what you are talking about...
Luke: Yeah, somethin' fishy's goin' on here. But, I can't remember what it is.
Carly: Come on Jax, we're leaving!
Michael: But MOM! I'm going to do the jig and everything...
Kristina: Yeah!
Alexis: Honey, you are too young to jig.
Bobbie: Hello! I can jig..watch...(everyone stands around with their mouths open)
Luke: Good God, sis, put them away.
Luke: Another year, another beer. Let's go.
Tracey: I still say there's something up with that kid.
Justus: Hey, here I am.
Luke: Bro, black history month is over.
Justus: Dang! I missed it?
Tracey: Back in the closet, and this time don't WRINKLE my coats!

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