Dear Mr. Cho,

We are pleased that you are actively involved and excited for the upcoming Olympic games in Salt Lake City, Utah. However, the 'new sports' you suggested blatantly break all of Human Rights Laws implemented at the Geneva Convention of 1998. We will absolutely not have our medallists swim 100 meters in sub-zero, shark-infested waters to get their hard-earned medals, and we refuse to add the sport, which you vaguely christened "Escape the Avalanche or DIE!" We here at the Olympic Committee are sorry to put a damper in your efforts to 'spice' up the winter games.

Yours truly, Sarah Korl

When I got the reply, I was heart-broken. But my resolve was unwavered and continued my quest to 'spice' up the winter games. So the very next day, I wrote another letter to the Olympic Committee. This time it was my request to be an honorary athlete for the games. I was sure that they would be dually impressed by my amazing athletic résumé. Again they fired back a reply.

Dear Mr. Cho

Frankly, we don't care that you can lift over twelve times your body weight or that you can skate 2 times the speed of light a.k.a "warp factor 5". All of our competing athletes worked and trained hard for this moment of glory and we will not allow easy access for those who haven't trained or worked for this privilege.

Yours truly, Tommy Anderson

This time I was outraged beyond imagination. They were discriminating against the homo-superior! This was an obvious act of racism, or shall I say, specieism…or is it geneism. Anywho, the worse thing is that they thought I was lying! Those damn elitist Mormon bastards.

I gave myself a month hiatus in writing letters to the Olympic Committee. Then whilest eating some apple pie I had a brilliant idea. How come there weren't any Autumn Olympics? The idea was so simple yet so brilliant. I immediately fired off another letter to the committee. But for weeks at a time, they wouldn't reply. But they broke…I knew they would.

Mr. Cho

We will not have an Autumn Olympics. Frankly, it's the stupidest idea in the world. We at the Olympic Committee do not care for the fact that you can jump off a 3-story building and land on top a pile of leaves and actually survive the fall.

And let this be a warning to you. If you send anymore letters containing the phrase "Reply or Die…el oh el that rhymes." We will be forced to call the FBI on your ass. Thank you.

Yours truly, Tommy Anderson

Scare tactics. That's what they finally resorted to. Scare tactics. I knew that all of the FBI was looking for Fox Mulder, so I really didn't have to fear them. But the snow huskies from Disney's Snow Dogs were capable of tracking me down, so I desisted in writing letters.

Little did they know, I had one more card up my sleeve. If I couldn't improve on the winter games, I could certainly make a difference in the summer games. And that solution was to take the games away from Athens in 2004 and bring the games here, to my hometown of Lilburn, Georgia. Here is the exact letter I sent to the Olympic Committee:

Dear Olympic Committee,

Notice I didn't start this letter off with death threats. I am writing this final letter to you today just for the fact that I wish to have my little town of Lilburn, population 300, placed on the map. Only the great Olympic games could place my small town of 1,200 people on the map. Lilburn is a small sprawling city of 5,000. One local school accompanied by five other schools dot the city. I know you gave Athens the 2004 games, but didn't they have their time on the map? Yes, yes they did. If they weren't so busy worshipping some Pimp-God named Zeus, the French wouldn't have stolen the Olympics from Athens. Punish the Athenians for their secular ways and reward the 212,000 citizens of this small megalopolis we call Lilburn. I even chose a site to build the stadium on. I mean who needs a 212,000-acre historical Civil War battle site anymore. You know why we don't need to have that historical site preserved? Its because we have the Olympics. Think about it.

Yours truly, Ian Cho of America…north.

I waited exactly one day before I got my reply. It was personally sent to me, which I thought it was good news. Heres the letter.

Dear Mr. Cho,

No.

Olympic Committee Chairman, Illgal Chirac

I gave up after that, and went to sleep.

There you have it, my journey deep into the communistic government of the Olympic Committee.

zog. ~Editor-in-Chief~