I came home on a sunny Sunday morning from my usual rountine of pummleing strangers in the crotch. I plopped on the coach, my fist was aching from that iron cod piece my fist slammed into. Rule number one of cock pummleing: never punch someone's cock in two consequtive weeks. Putting ice on my hands, I looked at my coffee table. There was a bag. Bag of a white powdery substance. It was labeled 'gift'. I picked it up with a pair of novelty porno tongs. I rushed to my beloved computer and went to translation.com and typed in gift. It was in the German to English catagoery. It came out as...POISON!

Screaming like a little girl, I dropped the bag of poison and began to hop up and down. I was freakin' freaking out! I mean, poison was in my house! My favorite band, Poison was going to be at my house! Then I stopped. After realizing how stupid I was, I sat down. I glanced nervously at the bag. I needed to get rid of it. If fire can destroy evidence then it can make do with 'gift'. I took out my flame thrower from under the couch, and crumpled a piece of paper, and i lit it. I threw about five of those fire balls. Not one hit the bag. Thinking quickly, I unearthed my samurai blade from the couch and bgan to hack away at the bag. It was indestructable!

My bestfriend was making his way in the front door, as I was lugging a rocket launcher across the room. I smiled at him, and cautiously walked out of my house. Aiming carefully, I lined the cross-hairs to the bag. Then the Targeting-Computer registered 'no target'. What the fucking hell?! I began to rage at the rocket launcher. I was stompping on it as my girlfriend and her parents made their way into the living room.

"Honey? Get your parents out of here. I'm in the middle of saving our lives. Maybe the whole country's lives."

She looked at me. "....what are you doing?"

I looked at her. I could feel the tears well in my eyes. "Please. If I don't get out alive. Then don't you dare eat my sandwich."

I saw, as she ushered her parents out of my house. I think I heard her dad say, "What the fuck is wrong with this psycho?" I squinted my eyes at the old man. After I take care of this 'gift'. You. Are. Next. Old. Man! Then I dragged my rocket launcher back in the closet. I came back into the living room. I noticed a card on the table. I opened it. It was a letter from my aunt telling me to use the sugar wisely. Oooh. So, 'gift' was sugar!....stupid whore. I'll take her out after I'll take out the old man.

Laughing to myself, I shoved all the sugar in my mouth. Then I saw it. The big brown paper bag of Dixie Cyrstals. My eyes shot open. And I knew no more.