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My Journal
Thursday, 1 July 2004
Ohisahiburi desu ne!
Mood:
 rushed
Hello everyone, sorry for not filling this form up for the last nine months. It's not that I got pregnant and took a leave for nine months (hahaha!) but to tell you frankly, I've been dead busy because fo work and school. Anyway, just to give a quick review of what happened in the last nine moths... hold on your seats and here we go! September, feeling so bad after knowing that my feedback for the last year was unfavorable, it has been very difficult for me to stay in the office (not literally, of course, my overtimes never ceased until the end.) It feels like, since I got a bad feedback last year, this year I need to exert more effort so that my feedback for next year would be nice. But with what happened for this year's evaluation, and still working with the same people who treated me that way, it is obviously impossible for me to get back to my momentum. Of course, questioning their evaluation on me really made them liook at me furiously and thus, their expectations on me will become higher. Anyway, I thought of asking my consellor to move me to another project, or team at the least... but to no avail. In other words, I still need to endure everything since I be staying in the team and will be working with the same people again. ooops got to go... be back later! ;-)
Tuesday, 23 September 2003
Multipost
Multipost
Much had passed during the last few days and I'll just be giving the highlights.
My 22nd Birthday (Sept 10)
It has been just an ordinary day for me at the start of the day. I no longer feel the uplifted spirit and much enthusiasm on my natal day, as opposed to what I used to feel during my birthdays and the holiday season. Many of my peers suggested me that it was just part of my maturation process into adulthood since that feeling is only for children.
At lunchtime, Flint had a birthday surprise for me. We were all in Landmark foodcourt where we shared cake and ice cream. Later in the afternoon, our big team had the birthday snack for us three celebrants-Grace, Myrene and me. My manager gave me a nice gift-a book, "Your Roadmap to Success."
Later that night, I even played badminton with JP and friends. Also, I met Joanne, Rey and Roselle for a late night dinner. We played at Timezone and separated at about 1 am. Rey and I were still together til Monumento where we had a chance to see the biggest moon up in the sky in the occasion of the Chinese moonckae festival which for this year feel exactly on my birthday.
Ouch it hurts!(Sept 11)
As I woke up in the morning I felt pain in my right big toe. There was a wound because of the engroin-very sharp toenail growing on the deep curved part of my big toe piercing it causing pain. The big toe has already swollen and it was very hard for me to wear shoes. I had to meet the neighborhood pedicurist to have the engroin removed. It was already afternoon when I got in the office.
The Event (Sept 13)
Flint invited me to go with him to watch the F4's concert. I had Joanne with me and Flint also invited Edward. We fell in line 5 pm and were able to enter the venue at about 8 pm. There I felt the fear of being caught in a stampede. However, I put in mind tghat being in that concert is analogous to my trials in life. To cut the long story short, although we had the cheapest ticket in the show, we were there at the very front, seeing Dee, Barbie Xu, Vanness Wu and Kne Zhu in full flesh-so close. :)
Warfreak(Sept 15)
I dropped by the school first to get a copy of my school readings needed for the next day's homework. I got in the office two hours later. I already informed my officemate regarding this. My manager was asking if the person I informed knows my reason. Having just arrived at my desk, I personally asnwered the e-mail. But to my wonder, my manager was a bit hot-tempered that day. She e-mailed back, copy-furninshing my two team leads informing me that she've noticed that I always come late to the office. I answered the e-mail by saying that although I come in late, I am conscious of my number of hours at work and I honestly offset them. I don't know what she got from my reply but it seemed that there was going on already. Later in the afternoon, my manager approached me and scolded me even my other officemates were there. I don't know why, but I didn't care even if she scolded me. What's important for me is that I was able to voice out my side.
Sick leave (Sept 16)
My tummy ached once more so I decided to take an off from the office. Indeed, I need to give more time to my homework due at that night. I don't know but tghe department has already closed when I arrived so I had my homework submitted the very morning of the following day.
She got my point! (Sept 17)
At lunchtime, my manager approached me and asked for apology with what happened last Monday. I never expected it but the feeling is nice-now I am sure that she got my point in the e-mail. She gave me a bon-bon candy and left me with a pat in the shoulder.
Meeting my Ass-essor (Sept 18)
I had my performance feedback form discussed by my assessor. During the two hour one-on-one heart-to-heart talk, I was feeling drained. The following day, my assessor asked me if I felt better after the discussion. Yes, I felt better-now that I know how fallacious her arguments in my pff are.
More to follow on my next post. See yah! :)
Multipost
Multipost
Much had passed during the last few days and I'll just be giving the highlights.
My 22nd Birthday (Sept 10)
It has been just an ordinary day for me at the start of the day. I no longer feel the uplifted spirit and much enthusiasm on my natal day, as opposed to what I used to feel during my birthdays and the holiday season. Many of my peers suggested me that it was just part of my maturation process into adulthood since that feeling is only for children.
At lunchtime, Flint had a birthday surprise for me. We were all in Landmark foodcourt where we shared cake and ice cream. Later in the afternoon, our big team had the birthday snack for us three celebrants-Grace, Myrene and me. My manager gave me a nice gift-a book, "Your Roadmap to Success."
Later that night, I even played badminton with JP and friends. Also, I met Joanne, Rey and Roselle for a late night dinner. We played at Timezone and separated at about 1 am. Rey and I were still together til Monumento where we had a chance to see the biggest moon up in the sky in the occasion of the Chinese moonckae festival which for this year feel exactly on my birthday.
Ouch it hurts!(Sept 11)
As I woke up in the morning I felt pain in my right big toe. There was a wound because of the engroin-very sharp toenail growing on the deep curved part of my big toe piercing it causing pain. The big toe has already swollen and it was very hard for me to wear shoes. I had to meet the neighborhood pedicurist to have the engroin removed. It was already afternoon when I got in the office.
The Event (Sept 13)
Flint invited me to go with him to watch the F4's concert. I had Joanne with me and Flint also invited Edward. We fell in line 5 pm and were able to enter the venue at about 8 pm. There I felt the fear of being caught in a stampede. However, I put in mind tghat being in that concert is analogous to my trials in life. To cut the long story short, although we had the cheapest ticket in the show, we were there at the very front, seeing Dee, Barbie Xu, Vanness Wu and Kne Zhu in full flesh-so close. :)
Warfreak(Sept 15)
I dropped by the school first to get a copy of my school readings needed for the next day's homework. I got in the office two hours later. I already informed my officemate regarding this. My manager was asking if the person I informed knows my reason. Having just arrived at my desk, I personally asnwered the e-mail. But to my wonder, my manager was a bit hot-tempered that day. She e-mailed back, copy-furninshing my two team leads informing me that she've noticed that I always come late to the office. I answered the e-mail by saying that although I come in late, I am conscious of my number of hours at work and I honestly offset them. I don't know what she got from my reply but it seemed that there was going on already. Later in the afternoon, my manager approached me and scolded me even my other officemates were there. I don't know why, but I didn't care even if she scolded me. What's important for me is that I was able to voice out my side.
Sick leave (Sept 16)
My tummy ached once more so I decided to take an off from the office. Indeed, I need to give more time to my homework due at that night. I don't know but tghe department has already closed when I arrived so I had my homework submitted the very morning of the following day.
She got my point! (Sept 17)
At lunchtime, my manager approached me and asked for apology with what happened last Monday. I never expected it but the feeling is nice-now I am sure that she got my point in the e-mail. She gave me a bon-bon candy and left me with a pat in the shoulder.
Meeting my Ass-essor (Sept 18)
I had my performance feedback form discussed by my assessor. During the two hour one-on-one heart-to-heart talk, I was feeling drained. The following day, my assessor asked me if I felt better after the discussion. Yes, I felt better-now that I know how fallacious her arguments in my pff are.
More to follow on my next post. See yah! :)
Thursday, 4 September 2003
When Giving Up is Not Really Giving Up
When Giving Up is Not Really Giving Up
Today I did the decision I almost avoided to make.
I dropped one of my subjects under the masteral program and deep inside myself I felt that I had already given up my little fight on that class. It took me quite a while before arriving at the final decision. It is actually time itself that forced me to make it. I dropped my programming language class. It was really so hard to give up. I, who never dropped any subject since I was in the BS Math program is now in front of my instructor asking him to sign my dropping slip-and he did-an indication that he was really expecting me to quit. I never wanted to do this but I know it is my fault. I tried to take the full semester load in spite of my full-time employment. Now I am ready to say good bye to my 1,500 bucks tuition for the 3-unit load, good bye to my chance of getting the dean?s list award, and the most bitter good bye, which was to accept the fact that I would still not graduate 2 semesters from now.
On my way home, I bought a pizza for the family. I used to bring goodies at home every time I get an accomplishment. But this time it is different. I brought home food alright after I dropped my failing subject. And all I have to do now is to regret-which I should have avoided only if I studied well for this subject.
But how can I do that given this miserable situation that I have in the office? I almost died out of lack of sleep every night just to finish my office tasks and always skip my classes just to do what was expected from me by my superiors. It is alright with me at first since I feel that I?ve done well despite of sacrificing my study load just for the sake of my work. It is from my salary that I get my tuition and if I will not be paid then I would not have the money to send myself to school. Add to that fact the recent event where I was evaluated as needing further improvement which caused my salary not to be increased for the rest of the fiscal year. It also caused me to get irritated every time I hear the words ?fiscal year?, ?annual process?, ?performance feedback?, ?solutions workforce?, and some other filthy jargons that are being used in the office to brag to the clients that we are well off.
However, looking at it in the bigger picture, dropping my programming language class is not really quitting at all. For me, that was just a part of the contingency plan that I am doing to salvage the rest of my school loads. I am expecting bulk of work from now on that may require me to render more and more hours of overtime that I ever had before and I also think that my remaining subjects will become demanding as well. What I had really done was to unburden myself of further pressure and worry that would prohibit me from getting sleep every night. Just a contingency plan-for I have already messed up the original plan of getting both study and work done with flying colors.
But with, as I?ve said above, the recent ?win? of evil against my hard work in the office, I got literally upset and pissed off for I have not gained anything in both aspects of my career. In work I got no salary increase and in school I got to drop a subject. Oh boy! What a very miserable life! A change of plans is in need.
Find strength in what remains behind.
Saturday, 30 August 2003
Tropical Depression
Tropical Depression
It's so ironic that I started the day with a big smile on my face and ended it with the most bitter frown I ever had in my whole life.
As I read the e-mail from my Phoenix counterpart, my heart leapt in joy since she acknowledged my work that I sent her the night before. It is very seldom in my life that someone praises me like that. That already boosted me up as I worked through the day.
I was hopefully waiting for the lunchtime to be over since it would be the time to get our salary increase letters. I asked my seatmate to go with me downstairs and we both got our salary letters. However, to my dismay, I found out that my salary for the entire fiscal year will remain unchanged! OUCH, that really hurted me. After all the pains and pressures and sleepless nights I was deprived of the opportunity to be appreciated with all the work I've done for the past year. :( I just smiled at my teammates and pretended that I am semi-contented with the amount of my salary increase.
But as I was to go out of the office, I approached my manager and asked her what happened to my salary increase. She explained it to me and that really made me upset. For once again, just like last year, I was cheated by my assessor. It's another sort of powertripping and maliscious misjudgment. Why should I always be a victim of that? Ever since in elementary school I had been always cheated by people claiming to be experts in evaluating me. I just can't stand the hypocrisy of putting someone up over me and dumping so many boo-boos in my part. As my manager enumerated to me the not so few improvement points as enlisted by my assessor, I just could't help but smirk at her. Although I still managed to keep my composure and I was able to end the conversation with her with a smile.
With what happened to me that day, I firmly made my decision not to stay in the firm longer as my contract elapses 7 months from now. I'll just be counting the days!
To those people who always underestimate me... Good job! But I'm still not impressed.
Wednesday, 27 August 2003
It's Been A While Since I had My Last Post
It's Been A While Since I had My Last Post
It's been about a week or so since I posted my last message. I didn't noticed that it has been that long! I was mainly occupied by work and some school worries. My work nowadays is on a big project requirement where I am playing quite a significant role. I've been introducing changes and about to test some components in the system where we are working on. Wow! Quite a dream came true! Ever since I really wanted to contribute something to our team. I hope I can this time. Inspite of the tiring ang time-consuming tasks I have at hand, I always feel releieved and a bit proud of myself every time I bring in a new accomplishment. It was only at the expense of my school works that I can fully devote 100% of my time to my office tasks. You know what, just keeping in mind all deadline I have to beat in the office already keeps me awake during the night. How can I attend to my school tasks then? Anyway, i'll continue my post next issue. :)
Thursday, 21 August 2003
Second year anniversary treat and Starbucks Night
Second year anniversary treat and Starbucks Night
August 20, 2003 (Wednesday)
I can not really determine how
to chart my office/work hours for the day. I came in late at the office
and had to go out for lunch with the team. Then, after lunch, a friend
passed by and asked me to assist her as she submitted her dossiers to our
company's HR. And at the end of day, a community member asked me to help
her carrying our rummage sale stuffs to her place. Good thing, I still
have Friday to offset all hours I missed during the week.
My officemate Flint treated our
group at the event of his second year anniversary in the company. We ate a
hearty lunch at the Max's restaurant. For us, reaching the second year
anniversary is more promising than the first one. The second year
anniversary signifies that we are being relieved of the company's two year
bond-as well as strengthening our careers in the firm for those who will stay
and a brand new opportunity awaiting for those who are planning to leave.
I also helped a friend, who
happened to be in the same community where I am, collect old stuffs for Sunday's
rummage sale. I was delighted with the Morgan Stanley team's dedication to
the cause since they had, I think, the most number of items donated to the
rummage sale. The proceeds of the rummage sale , and the previously
concluded cake raffle, will go to the Elsie Gaches village, a home for the
mentally retarded children-an outreach program being held by our very own SuMiTT
community.
After office, my friends and I
spend a moment of chatting and coffee-sipping at the Starbucks in Greenbelt.
Wednesday, 20 August 2003
Overtime
Overtime
August 19, 2003 (Tuesday)
I am all alone here in the office. I decided to stay late since I still have many things to do yet I wasn't able to finish all of them. I don't know why, but I am not feeling tired even though I had just too little sleep last night. The stress brought about by last night's exam and the pressures of office work seems to be resisted by my systems today. Well, that's a good one for me but I don't know if this will prevail until tomorrow. I think I'll be needing more overtimes in the office since ther is always loads of tasks that need to be done. Not mentioning my school works that are already past due. Oh my, where would I get all the time, strength and guts to face my overdue school tasks?? I am already ashamed to my CS220 professor since I intentionally got myself late to last night's exam since it was only during my ride to the school when I had most of my reviewing time. Actually, it was even diminished since I have to take a nap while inside the bus because I felt dizzy while I was on the way. May be it was due to my lack of sleep last Sunday.
Well, for now I took all my guts and swallowed all my pride as I send AJ and e-mail telling him that I already seen his web pages in his Japanese university's webpage. I am not expecting any reply from him but I put a return receipt on my e-mail. If he replies to it, the better.
Ok, I'm really going home this time. It's not getting any early anymore. I have to be in the office tomorrow by 8:00 am.
Monday, 18 August 2003
Cramming, Time Management and the Makino lab
My First Tutorial Session
August 17, 2003 (Sunday)
I am still here in one of my cramming sessions. Today, I have three things to finish. First
was my excel spreadsheet to be sent to my Phoenix counterpart. It was already due last
Friday but I can not afford to make it on schedule but not on the quality. For me to do
that deliverable, I need to do more research on the modules I was assigned at work and that
would definitely be eating significant amount of time.
Next is my cs220 paper which was about past a week due. I am no longer sure if my professor
will accept it if I submit it today but I hope that he will. I don't know why, for me
everything has its right time. And for this paper-it seems that it hasn't reached its
proper time for me to complete it. (Oh, how miserable!)
Lastly is my first exam in my programming languages class. I'll admit to myself that I fear
to fail this subject but I'll just make a try with its first exam first before deciding
whether or not I would drop it. I just started working on all these three last night and I
knew very much that I would be lacking time to finish working on all of them. I quickly had
the brainstorming inside my mind and I resorted to give up my Baguio trip this coming
weekend. Friday this week is a holiday and we intend to leave for Baguio in that day. I
will be sacrificing it since I will take my off today instead of having it on Friday. This
will result for me working in the office this Friday instead of enjoying myself in Baguio.
Giving the trip up didn't took me a hard time. I just thought of my tutorial session at the
weekend and that we'll be having our group report next week so I must be in school next week
to meet my classmates.
Having a very boring time in front of the pc at wee hours of the morning, I had tried to
search for my best friend's name in the internet. This time I gpt a new URL which leads to
him. It was his very first website... school website for that matter. It was in his school's Makino lab. There he gave a
brief overview of the paper he is currently working on with. He's now working on computer graphics with the use of photon imaging, if I'm not mistaken. On on part of the page he had
his acknowledgments though I didn't find my name included in the list of his gratuity. Of
course, I am not expecting my name to be there... however,it would be a moral booster for me
if it happened that I saw it there.
I explored his site and found out that he's doing well in school. I admired him a bit more
since I think he has been very serious with his graduate study there unlike me who is trying
to find some time out of my busy work schedule just to browse through my notes when the exam
time is coming. But I am wondering why I still got so many time to go to the mall or to the
bowling house to spend time with friends during weekends? I know I really need time to
unwind but when it come to my time for my study, I couldn't find enough.
Time management as they may say, but as of now I got to stressed out with the daily work and
school routines. I just consider my tutorial session and bowling games a part of keeping
myself sane despite of my super-hectic schedule. This seems to be a perrenial trouble for
me, cramming up for my school papers and exams but up to now, I haven't really trained
myself to practice time management properly. It's just like that whenever I've
already planned my time for the day or for the week, something will just come up and wreck
my already planned tasks. I think I've been always having this contingency budget burned
for unexpected events. I do not want to drop or flank any subject in my masters since it'll
not just be an eyesore in my transcript, but also it'll appear as a lost of investment since
I pay my own tuition.
Oh no, I hope this time management problem of mine gets resolved as soon as possible...
before it's too late.
My First Tutorial Session
My Blog for the week (august 11-16, 2003)
My Blog for the Week (August 11-16, 2003)
note: i don't know what happened to my keyboard but some characters don't jive with the shift key... so i'll just have my blog in lower case.
august 11, 2003 (monday)
i took an afternoon off from the office since i need to go to the japanese embassy for the japanese language exam. the exam was bloody difficult-i couldn't even answer the basic part easily. i must admit that it was the very first exam where i felt a headache-maybe due to the pressure of taking the exam itself. i just did guessing for the intermediate and advanced portions of the exam. but in myself i saw my determination in taking that language exam since i found myself carefully reading each item in the exam and translated them one-by-one into their romanized equivalents. nice thing was my monday class was cancelled eventhough i skipped it due to the trouble i had with the japanese language exam.
august 12, 2003 (tuesday)
the first text message i got from my cellphone was a note from rose santos telling me that her grandma passed away. the way she informed me was quite unique: "pinagpahinga na nanay ko..." 'nanay' is the term she used to identify her grandma. i was slightly moved by her message. it seems like she was so calm with her choice of words. she was asking me if i can drop by their place for the wake. i wasn;t sure at first if i can make it since i would be in the office for the rest of the day and i would be attending my evening class afterwards. and their place was quite discouraging me to go... it was in san mateo rizal, a place too far for me to venture. i asked rey if he could go with me to the wake. at least having rey go with me makes me feel a bit safer rather than going there alone. nice thing he agreed and by then i made the decision to finally go to the wake. while at office i sent messages to our friends asking them if they could go with us to the wake. lannie responded first. she expressed to me her intention to go with us but she would be needing first her mom's consent. next who responded was joanne. i asked her to be in philcoa at about 7:30 pm or 8:00 pm so we will be meeting rey there and we will just get a ride to a jeepney which would be easily accessible from there.
my work at the office seemed to be a bit demanding. i even skipped my class just to finish my tasks for the day. good thing, it would just be my fourth absence for my tuesday class. my instructor already warned me that i should not exceed six absences or else, she will dropped me from the course. i know that i must leave the office by about 7:00 pm the latest to make it to philcoa by 8:00 pm. but unfortunately, i was just about to leave the office by about nearly 9:00 pm. i arrived philcoa at about 9:45 pm and rey and joanne were already bored waiting for me for almost 2 hours. i was really ashamed for coming late but deep inside me i couldn't do anything at that time to make me reach the meeting place any earlier than the time i arrived. we waited for almost 20 minutes more for rose who happened to have a tutorial session at the same night so we were a bunch of 4 when we went to the wake.
august 13, 2003 (wednesday)
actually, i had no plans of staying later than midnight at the wake. i still have my term paper to finish at home which was about 2 days past the extended deadline. i also have, of course, my wednesday office work which needs me to be in office by eight. but when we were already there, rose's relatives thought we were there to accompany rose overnight so they went to their home to take their sleep. (the wake was in the chapel.) i was urging rey and joanne to leave the place by 1:00 am and joanne also has to go with her classmate's place to do group study session for their upcoming saturday exam. the thing was it was already late for us to bid our goodbyes, rose would be alone if we would be needing her. so to cut the long story short. we just left the place at about quarter to six. we three: joanne, rey and i, took a bus to ortigas then the mrt to baclaran. there we looked for a long sleeved shirt for me to wear in the office. we went to joanne's place afterwards and rey ironed my newly bought white long sleeved shirt. i even missed my morning bath and toilet rituals because i lacked time and resources so i just proceeded to the office afterwards.
i was really feeling sleepy during the rest of the day while at work. good thing was, my work for the day wasn't that really demanding so i was able to take very short naps in between the office hours. at the afternoon, i felt that i already regained my strength so i felt like i was still on the go to finish the day's workload. i left the office just on time to catch up my lost sleeping hours once i got home. however, rey asked me if he can use my pc at home to type his trigonometric manuscripts which he would be needing for the next day. rey let me wait for him for about to hours so i felt i wasted those two hours for sleep. it was already 4:00 am when he finish his typesetting and we left home at about 7:00 am.
august 14, 2003 (thursday)
that was thursday and i stayed late at the office to compensate my tardiness and missed office hours during the week. roselle asked me to meet her and joanne at sm megamall to watch 'the league'. i personally didn't like the movie. i came a little later than the start of the movie's last full show so i just invited the two to play bowling. i arrived home at about 2:00 am.
august 15, 2003 (friday)
i was given many tasks during the day and i left office a little late to make it to the movie to be shown at the UP film center. i already convinced rey to got with me to the film showing but it appeared that both of us came late and we lost the chance to watch the movie. i had trouble while riding the mrt because it had a technical problem and rey, on the other hand, needed to finish an errand before he was allowed to leave home.
while i was on my way to UP, the tutorial center where i was working part-time informed me that my tutee was waiting for me that night. i didn't get it because we already agreed to have our tutorial sessions every saturdays. but since i was already in UP, which was just near my tutees' home, i decided to have the session at that night. rey, who also happened to be a tutor in the center, accompanied me to my tutee's home. we started 9:00 pm and ended at 11:00 pm-too late for a tutorial session but i was relieved because my tutee learned well and fast. while in the bus on our way home, as i was talking to rey, i had a quick image of aj on my mind. i didn't know why. maybe i just missed him at that moment or could it be that something bad happened to him? oh, i would rather have him mised instead of him having something bad. i just told rey that i was missing aj. rey told me that maybe it was alright since it was been it was been a long time since aj left for japan-about 10 months now.
rey went home with me. we watched 'meteor garden season 2' episode 2 then he left with my smallville vcd's which he borrowed.
august 16, 2003 (saturday)
it was my sister's birthday and i woke up at abot 11:30 am-the time i need to leave home to make it on time at my 1:00 pm saturday class. i just feel lazy and lax so i just left home at about 2:00 pm-i would be just catching the last 30 minutes of the class but i would still be able to sign the class attendance. that was the only reason why i would be attending the day's class-there would be an incentive for few absences and i haven't occurred any. after class i proceeded to sm to meet joanne and friends to have our saturday gimmick. there were joanne, michael, jobert, christine and janice-most of them were met by me just at that time,again after a long time. we had bowling and videoke afterwards. it was already early in the morning (about 2:00 am) when i arrived home.
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