Hoss and Adam Cartwright stood in front of the full-length mirror they’d brought into the family room.
“I tell you, Adam, mine is so much bigger’n yours!” Hoss exclaimed, as he turned sideways for a better view, smiling proudly.
“Get serious, Hoss! The only thing bigger on you is your stomach! There’s no way that’s bigger than this,” Adam said as he turned and glanced at his own body. ‘Much bigger’ he thought as a grin widened on his face.
Hoss Cartwrights face screwed up as if he’d been on the losing end of a fight with a cliff. “I tell you mine’s the biggest and I don’t mean my stomach,” Hoss shouted, rubbing his middle. He and Adam squared off, face to face, teeth bared.
“Is Not!” Adam shouted.
“Is so!” Hoss shouted back.
“Not!
“Is!”
Ben Cartwright, patriarch of the Cartwright family hurried into the family room to see what or who was causing the commotion. He wasn’t surprised to see his two older sons standing before a mirror arguing. Lately this had become part of the normal routine. Now it was his turn to step in. He walked to his sons and slowly peeled off his shirt and long trousers. Turning sideways he smiled at his sons. “How many times do I have to repeat myself? Mine is the biggest.”
Adam and Hoss stared at their father shaking their heads frantically. “No way, Pa,” they shouted in unison.
Ben looked at his sons and laughed outright at them, “What you two have isn’t even worth a mention in the scripts. Could’ve done without it.”
“No way, Pa, they could’ve built a whole show around this,” Adam said proudly.
“But they didn’t, did they?” Hoss laughed. “Now you look at this. They could’ve made mine a two parter.”
“You know only our little brother gets two parters,” Adam said wistfully, hoping some day he’d get to do a two parter.
“Did I hear someone mention me?” Joe Cartwright asked as he walked into the room. Seeing the mirror he strode over, shaking his head in sympathy. “Are we having this argument again? You all know mine’s bigger.”
“Bigger’n what? Anything on you has to be smaller on account’a your smaller,” Hoss laughed.
“That’s right ‘little Joe’,” Adam laughed at his own use of the word little in front of his youngest brothers name.
“Sorry, son, but they’re right,” Ben said, shaking his head sympathetically.
“Guess it time to show you again. Why is it we always have to have this fight? You know mine is bigger,” Joe said as he began removing his clothing. Slowly, with deliberate ease, he pulled his shirt from his pants and began to peel it off. His taut muscles rippled with the effort. Finally the shirt lay on the floor with the other mens clothing. He reached down and undone the belt holding up his pants, sliding them down his well muscled, darkly tanned legs. Finally the pants came to rest in a heap on the floor and he was standing sideways in front of the mirror. “I hate to say I told you so,” he laughed as he caught sight of himself.
Hoss made a disgruntled sound with his lips, Adam laughed obnoxiously, and Ben laid his hand on Joe’s shoulder sympathetically.
“No way, Joe,” Hoss said.
“Out of the running,” Adam said.
“Sorry, son, maybe in the next show,” Ben told him.
“But, Pa,” Joe protested.
“What you doin? Hop Sing make dinner while foolish Cartwrights stand in front of mirror. Who you think you are, Snow White? Mirror, Mirror on the wall. Stop foolishness, come eat.”
“Hop Sing, come here for a minute,” Hoss called.
“Yeah, Hop Sing, we need you to answer a question for us,” Adam called.
“That’s right, Hop Sing, we can be sure of an honest answer from you,” Ben called.
“Please, Hop Sing, tell them who’s is biggest,” Joe called.
Hop Sing had answered this question many times over the years. Now he was being forced to do it again. He sauntered up to the four men, shaking his head sadly. “This last time Hop Sing explain. Mr. Ben, you have very big one. Mr. Adam should be proud and show his off as well. Mr. Hoss have nothing to be ashamed of either.” Hop Sing said and lapsed into silence, studying little Joe.
“What about me, Hop Sing?” Joe asked worriedly shuffling from one foot to the other.
“You, little Joe, you know yours is biggest without Hop Sing telling you. Just look at it, easy to tell.”
Joe grinned and once more turned to look in the mirror. He looked at his father and brothers before returning his gaze to the shorter oriental man. “Thank-you, Hop Sing, I knew my scar was bigger. I mean it goes from the tip of my shoulder down to my butt. Look at yours, Adam, only half as big. Even Pa beats yours out. Sorry, Hoss, but yours is only a scratch, not even worth mentioning.”
“Ok, that’s enough of this. Get your clothes on and let’s go eat,” Ben said. ‘Think it’s time to talk to the writers. This is ridiculous. Not only does Joe have the biggest scar but he also has the most. Why the boy looks like he’s been in a catfight. Oh well, might as well enjoy all that rubber food the prop department gave us. I just don’t know if my teeth can take much more of it,’ he thought as he joined the others at the table.
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