“You’re number cannot be completed as dialled,” Harriman Nelson slammed the phone back in it’s cradle in frustration. “Here we go again Lee.”
“I take it you still can’t get through to the Clampetts,” Lee Crane stated, a grin plastered on his face as he remembered the last time Nelson had been unable to contact this particular family.
“I bet it has something to do with that banker. Probably thinks I’m going to ask J.D. Clampett for another donation.”
“Don’t you think he learned his lesson after what Uncle Jed told him the last time?”
“You’d think so wouldn’t you? But men like Drysdale simply can’t help their greed. Lee I hate to ask you this especially after what happened the last time.”
“Admiral,” Crane interrupted, a smile lighting his face. “Are you asking me to go visit the Clampetts again?”
“I’m afraid so Lee.”
“I’d be glad to go. The last visit wasn’t too bad except for the ammunition it gave Chip. Hillbilly Lee is not going to be repeated,” laughed Crane.
“They are a nice family. You know what, Lee maybe I should go myself this time. I could go for some more of Granny’s Smoked Crawdads and Possum Pie.”
“I thought you said you have too much to do before the dedication ceremonies for Clampetts Fins.”
“Thanks for the reminder Captain Crane. Maybe I should make you deal with the ceremonies and I’ll get the Clampetts.” Nelson smiled at the disappointed look that came over his friends face. “I’m kidding Lee. I know how you hate setting up functions. Just make sure you bring the Clampetts back in time for the dedication of the minisub.”
“I will sir. See you in three days,” Crane said. Truth be told he was looking forward to seeing the hillbilly family again. He walked to the door and had his hand on the handle when the Admiral’s voice stopped him.
“Oh Lee,” Crane turned, “Chip is meeting you at the airport with the tickets.”
“Tickets? Who else is going?” Crane asked suddenly suspicious.
“Chip volunteered to go with you.” Nelson said with a mischievous laugh. He could picture his two officers paying plenty of attention to one particular female hillbilly.
“I bet he did.” Crane said. As he closed the door he heard Nelson surrender to the laughter he’d been holding in check.
“Hi Lee. All set?” Chip Morton asked as he met his Captain at the airport entrance, a grin on his face.
“Hello Mr. Morton.” Crane said trying to convey the annoyance he felt at having the exec tag along with him to see the Clampetts.
“Hey, what’s wrong Lee? I thought you’d be happy to have some company.” Morton said innocently.
“Sure you did, Chip. I know you better than that. You just don’t like the idea of me going to see Elly May without you.”
“Ah come on Lee. A little friendly competition for the lovely girls attention, or are you afraid that she might really like me?” Morton asked, his eyebrows rising.
“That’s a laugh Chip. Remember the last time you tried to kiss her.” Crane grinned at the vision of Elly May Clampett tossing the unsuspecting blonde man over her head.
“Don’t remind me.” Chip stated rubbing his backside. “I was sore for a week. Hey wait a minute; you had a lot to do with that. If you hadn’t set me up she never would have been able to flip me,” he stated confidently.
“Oh I wouldn’t count on that Chip. If she can ‘whup’ her cousin Jethro I don’t think she’ll have any trouble with you.” Crane said as a voice announced that boarding of their flight was about to begin. “Let’s go before we miss our flight.” Crane said and the two men walked to the boarding area.
Crane drove the rented Ford Mustang through the gates of Five Eighteen Crestview Drive in Beverly Hills. The first thing he saw was a large bear looming over Elly May. Without a word to Morton he screeched the car to a halt and jumped out. “Elly, are you ok?” he asked running towards her.
Elly turned at the sound of his voice and smiled. It was one of the warmest smiles Lee had ever seen and he knew immediately that she was in complete control of the animal. She looped the leash through a pole and ran to him. She wrapped her arms around his neck and he picked her up and swung her around easily. “I’m so glad you came back Lee,” she stated happily.
“Me too Elly,” he said placing her back on the ground.
“What about me Elly?” Chip said, slightly jealous of the attention she was bestowing on his friend.
“Hi Chip.” Elly said reaching out to shake his hand in a friendly gesture that made Crane smile.
Chip hid his disappointment as he pointed to Elly’s bear. “Who is that?”
“That thar’s Fairchild. He’s my pet bear. Pa got im fer me last year. Poor thing’s got hisself hung over again.”
“Hung over.” Morton stated, “You give that poor animal liquor.”
“NO!” Elly said indignantly, “Of course I don’t. He just kinda finds where Granny hides her stash of Ru-Matiz medicine and helps hisself,” she explained.
“Elly would never hurt an animal Chip.” Lee told his friend.
“What brings ya back ere Lee?” Elly asked.
“Chip and I are here to invite you, Granny, Jethro and Uncle Jed to Santa Barbara.”
“Why?”
“Why don’t we go find the others and I’ll explain everything,” Crane said smiling at the girl.
“Ok Lee. I think there all out yonder by the cee-ment pond.”
Lee and Chip followed Elly May into the house and out into the backyard of the beautiful Beverly Hills mansion. “Pa, Granny, Jethro, we have company.”
Granny looked up from her still, dropped her paddle and ran over to throw her arms around Crane’s neck, “Why didn’t ya let us know ya was comin Lee? I woulda cooked ya up some fancy vittles.” She turned to the blonde haired man, “Howdy Mr. Morton.” She said.
“Howdy Lee, Mr. Morton,” Jed Clampett said as he took Lee’s hand and shook it boisterously. “It’s good ta see ya again.”
“Thank you Mr. Clampett.” Crane said.
“What happened ta callin me Uncle Jed?”
Crane smiled at the friendly man, “Sorry, Uncle Jed it is. Hello Jethro,” he said as the young man joined the group.
“Howdy Lee. Mr. Morton.” Jethro said.
“Hi Jethro. Please call me Chip.” Morton told them.
“Uncle Jed we have something to ask all of you.” Lee stated.
“Why don’t we go sit in the kitchen? I’ll fix some nice cold lemonade, or you can have some of my Ru-Matiz medicine if ya’d rather, Lee?” Granny said with a grin.
“Lemonade’s fine Granny. Thank-you.” Lee said returning her grin as they walked into the house.
Granny fixed her special Lemonade and Elly helped her pass it around. When they were all seated Jed turned to Crane, “Well Lee, what can I do fer ya? Does Admiral Nelson need some more money fer the oceans?”
“No, no, Uncle Jed.” Crane told him, “Actually we’re here to invite you to come to Santa Barbara with us.”
“Santa Barbara, why in tarnation would ya want us ta go ta Santa Barbara?” Jed Clampett asked.
“Now Jed, give the youngun a chance ta explain.” Granny scolded her son in law.
Chip tried hard to suppress a smile at the idea of this little woman berating the tall man seated at her side.
Lee smiled at her, “That’s ok Granny. I don’t mind if you want to ask questions. Do you recall Admiral Nelson saying he wanted to call the new research mini sub after you?”
“I recollect him sayin something about callin it Clampetts fins.” Jed stated.
“That’s right. Well they’ve finished building it and they are going to dedicate it on July eighteenth. We would really like to have you come to the ceremonies as guests of NIMR.” Lee explained.
“What’s NIMR?” Elly asked.
“That’s classified ya dumb girl. All us double knot spies knows that.” Jethro told his cousin.
“You take that back Jethro!” Elly exclaimed angrily.
“Jethro, apologize.” Jed stated in a voice that reminded both Lee and Chip of Admiral Nelson’s authoritative voice when he was in no mood for arguments.
“Sorry Elly,” Jethro said recognizing his Uncle’s tone.
“That’s better. Now let Lee and Chip tell us what they have ta.” Jed told them.
“Jethro, NIMR is not classified. It stands for Nelson Institute for Marine Research.” Chip explained.
“Nelson. After Admiral Nelson I take it?” Granny stated.
“That’s right Granny. Admiral Nelson is the head of NIMR. He’s the driving force behind the institute and all the research that goes on there.” Lee told the curious family. “He’s responsible for the Clean up our Oceans Project that you invested in. He wants to thank you all for the help you’ve given the project with your donation and he wants you to be his guests.”
“Do we get ta see yer Submarine?” Jethro asked in a voice heavy with childlike excitement.
“As a matter of fact Jethro, yes. The Admiral has agreed to take you all on a tour of Seaview.” Crane said.
“Can we go Uncle Jed? Please. I want ta see the Seaview. Maybe we can even take her for a ride. I can drive right Lee?”
“Now Jethro, driving a sub is not the same as driving a car.” Lee told the excited young man, “I’m sorry but you have to be specially trained to drive a sub.”
“Can’t ya train me Lee?” Jethro’s voice had gone from excited to disappointed.
“I’m sorry Jethro, you have to go to a school to be trained.”
Jethro’s face brightened again as he realized what Crane was saying, “But Lee, I’ve already been ta school,” he said happily.
“That’s right Jethro’s got his grade six education.” Granny said proudly.
“Jethro, that’s really good but you need to go to a special school for training in Subs.” Chip tried to dissuade the excited young man.
“The dickens ya say. Never heared tell of a school fer subs.” Jed exclaimed in disbelief.
“Uncle Jed it’s not a school for subs.” Crane said trying to hide his amusement at the naiveté of this family he’d grown to care so much about. “It’s a school for men to train in the running of a sub,” he explained in the simplest layman’s terms he could think of.
“Well then maybe Jethro can go ta sub school?” Granny asked.
“I wanna go to!” Elly exclaimed excitedly.
“Dumb girl cousins don’t go ta sub school!” Jethro stated.
“Jethro so hep me I’ll whup the tar outta ya!” Elly shouted as she got up from her chair.
Jed caught her before she had a chance to get to the object of her ire, “Jethro, apologize ta yer cousin,” he stated with quiet authority.
“Sorry Elly,” Jethro said, recognizing his Uncle’s soft tone as the one that was usually followed by a trip to the woodshed.
“That’s better. No ones goin ta sub school right now. Let’s listen to what Lee and Chip ave ta say.”
“Yes sir Uncle Jed,” Jethro replied.
“Yes Pa,” Elly agreed.
“Go ahead Lee,” Granny told him.
“As I was saying Admiral Nelson wants you to be his special guests in Santa Barbara. He would like you to be there for the dedication of Clampetts Fins.” Lee explained.
“I’d like ta go Jed,” Granny said quietly.
“Me to!” Jethro and Elly exclaimed in unison.
“Well now I can’t see any reason why we can’t go. I’ll get Mr. Drysdale ta look after everything ere,” Jed said, thinking aloud. “When is this Dedication supposed ta take place Lee?”
“This weekend Uncle Jed.” Crane told him, “That’s why I need your answer as soon as possible.”
“Our answer seems ta be yes. I’ll go call Mr. Drysdale on the teleeee-phone and ave him keep an eye on the place.” Jed Clampett said with a smile.
“But, Pa, what about muh critters?” Elly asked worriedly.
“I think Mr. Drysdale can get that young fella that works at the zoo ta come look after em again. He did a right fine job while we was in Bug Tussel fer Granny’s birthday. Ok Elly?” Jed asked her.
“Yes sir, Pa. That’s jus fine.” Elly stated happily.
“When do ya want us ta be ready?” Granny asked.
“That depends on whether you want to drive or fly?” Chip told them.
“If it’s ok with ya’ll we’d sooner take the truck. Maybe Lee could come with us ta show us the way. What do ya think Lee?” Jed asked.
“The tr...truck,” Lee Crane stammered. “Are you sure it’s safe for such a long drive?”
“Course tis. That truck done drove from here ta Bug Tussel at least four times with nary so much as a cough. It’s got more gumption than any of those newfangled cars. Come on Lee maybe Jethro’ll even let ya drive.” Granny exclaimed.
“Lee,” Chip Morton began, a grin spreading across his face, “You know the Admiral would want you to keep the Clampett’s happy and if they want you to drive back with them I think you should.”
“Come on Lee, it’ll be fun. Granny can sit in her chair and you can sit in the back seat with me. What do ya say?” Elly May asked, smiling radiantly.
“All right Elly. I’ll drive back with you. Oh, Mr. Morton.”
Chip looked at his friend innocently. “Yes Captain Crane?”
Crane glared at the grinning man and stated, “Keep it up and you’ll find yourself keelhauled.”
“Now Lee, you wouldn’t do that to me would you?” Chip asked not at all sure his friend was kidding.
“Try me, my friend,” Crane stated in a deadly serious voice. He had to turn his face away from Chip before he lost it in a fit of laughter. “Uncle Jed, if it’s ok by you we’ll leave in the morning,” he said, not wanting to drive to Santa Barbara in Jethro’s truck after dark.
“That’s fine Lee. We’ll be ready.”
“Jethro, fetch up the bags and I’ll commence gettin the clothes packed. Come along Elly.” She turned to Crane, “Oh, Lee, do we need ta take our fancy Sunday duds?”
“I think that would be a good idea Granny. The dedication ceremony is a big party and everyone will be wearing their best clothes.”
“Fancy duds it is then.” Granny said as she and Elly left the men alone.
“Lee, I’m going to head back and let the Admiral know you’ll be bringing the Clampetts tomorrow. That way he can confirm their reservations at the hotel.” Chip said as Lee walked him out to the rented Mustang.
“All right, Chip, just make sure they are next to our rooms. The Clampetts are going to need escorts wherever they go. See you tomorrow Chip.”
“Ok, Lee, have a good trip back,” he said, grinning as he started the car.
“Keep it up Chip! That keelhauling is looming in the near future,” Lee grinned back at him.
Lee Crane was pleasantly surprised by the smooth ride he was having in Jethro’s truck. He was nestled into the passenger seat with Elly May. Jed was in the front passenger seat next to Jethro and Granny was in her rocking chair high above them all. He grinned as he realized he’d have to thank Chip for goading him into this comfy ride. Not only was it a smooth ride but also he had one of the loveliest companions he’d ever seen. Her simple beauty was stunning. He shook his head as he realized Elly was talking to him. He spotted the Beverly Hills city limits sign as they drove by and smiled as Jethro began to pick up a small amount of speed.
“Sorry Elly, what did you say?” he yelled above the loudly screaming wind.
“I asked if ya was ok? Ya seemed ta be miles away,” she said, grinning widely.
“I’m fine Elly,” he reached for her hands and forgot to hold his hat. The wind tore it off his head and it flew back the road away from the truck.
“Jethro, ya ave ta go back fer Lee’s hat.” Elly screamed.
“What did ya say Elly?” Jethro screamed without turning around.
“I said Lee lost his hat. Ya ave ta go back.”
“Hang on, I’ll pull over.” Jethro pulled the truck over to the side of the road and began to back the truck up slowly.
“Thar it is!” Granny exclaimed as they drove slowly backwards.
Jethro stopped the truck and got out to retrieve it, “Ere ya go, Lee. Maybe ya should hold it in yer hands fer awhile,” he chided.
“I think I will Jethro, and thanks,” Crane said, grinning as he placed his hat under his hands.
They were soon on the road again and Granny began to sing from her rocker. Lee was surprised at how loud and clear her elderly voice could sing the notes to the familiar tune, “I wish I was in the land of cotton, old times there are not forgotten, Look away! Look away! Look away! Dixie land.” He stared in awe at the woman as she sang the song from beginning to end without missing a beat.
As she uttered the final words of the song Elly, Jed and Jethro let out a loud, “Yee-haw!” and Lee saw Granny’s face beaming with happiness.
“You can still do em Granny,” Elly told the older woman happily.
“Granny, that’s some voice you have there,” Lee told her honestly.
“Awe, yer jus sayin that Lee, but thank-ya anyway.”
“I’m serious Granny. I don’t know any one else who could sing that song from start to finish while driving in an open topped truck and the wind blowing in her face. Granny that really was well done.”
“Well then I thank ya kindly Lee,” she said proudly as she perched in her rocking chair.
“Which way now Lee?” Jethro asked excitedly, as he drove through the city of Santa Barbara.
“The next street is Channel Drive. I want you to turn left.”
Jethro did as he was told and Lee watched their faces as the Four Seasons Resort came into view.
“Is that where we’ll be staying?” Elly asked.
“Yes it is Elly. Admiral Nelson arranged for you to stay at The Odell Cottage. It was named for the original owner.” Lee told them.
“The Odell Cottage,” Granny said. “It sounds like a little house.”
“Well, Granny, The Odell Cottage is far from little. It is the best suite at the Four Seasons.”
“The dickens ya say. Maybe I should have Mr. Drysdale send me some more money.” Jed said seriously.
“Uncle Jed, you don’t have to pay for anything. NIMR is picking up the tab. We want you to think of this as a vacation. Here we are Jethro. Just pull up to the front doors.”
“Oh Wow!” came a cry from behind them.
Lee Crane smiled at the parking attendants reaction to Jethro’s old Truck. He looked at the mans nametag and asked, “Do you think you can drive it, Charlie?”
“Well now, I’ve worked as a parking valet at The Four Seasons for twenty-two years and I thought I’d driven every make of car or truck but this, this takes the cake.” Charlie told him.
“Cake? What Cake?” Jethro asked suddenly realizing he was hungry.
“Jethro, get yer mind off food.” Granny scolded him.
“But, Granny, I’m hungry. It’s been almost two hours since we had lunch.” Jethro whined.
“Jethro, we’ll eat as soon as we check in. Ok?” Crane asked.
“Guess so, Lee.” Jethro said in a melancholy voice. “Where do I park?” Jethro asked Charlie.
“Well, sir, you give me your keys and I’ll park it for you.” Charlie told him.
“I can’t do that. I won’t know where it is when we ave ta go somewhere!” Jethro exclaimed.
“It’s ok Jethro.” Crane explained, “this is a service provided by the hotel for all their special visitors. They’ll park your truck in a safe place until you need it. Then they’ll bring it back to you right here.”
Jethro looked as if he still didn’t understand, “Are ya sure it’s safe Lee. What if he gives the truck to the wrong person?” his eye’s brightened as he realized what this could mean, “Does that mean I get the other persons car?” he asked excitedly.
“No, no Jethro,” Lee laughed, “Charlie will make sure you get the right car back.”
“Ah, shucks,” the young man said in disappointment. He pulled the keys out and passed them over to Charlie.
“Let’s get your bags before Charlie takes the truck away.” Crane said as he passed the parking valet a couple of bills.
“Lee, why didn’t ya say ya had ta pay fer parkin. I coulda done it fer nothing.” Jethro exclaimed.
Lee and Charlie smiled at each other. “That’s ok Jethro. Remember I told you everything was being taken care of by NIMR?” Jethro nodded and they all climbed down from the truck.
Charlie could tell from the way the young man talked that they were not used to being catered to in fancy hotels. He helped pull the carpetbags off the back of the truck and before the Clampetts had a chance to pick them up they were loaded onto a brass trolley and pushed into the hotel.
“Well doggies, look at that. They even take yer clothes fer ya!” Jed Clampett said.
“This eres some place Lee.” Elly stated as she looked in awe at the buildings.
“It is beautiful isn’t it Elly,” he said as he ushered the hillbilly family through the front doors and into the luxurious lobby of the five star hotel.
“Land O’ Goshen.” Granny exclaimed happily. “ Jus look at all them fancy tables and chairs. Did ya bring us ta the wrong place Lee? This looks like a fancy eatin room.”
“Granny,” Lee smiled at her innocence, “This is the lobby. See that desk over there?” Granny nodded, “That’s where we go to sign the register.”
“Where’d they go with our bags?” Jethro asked.
“The bags are already in your cottage,” Lee told them. “Here we are.” Lee said as they stood in front of the large mahogany desk.
An older man looked up at the family and his eyes narrowed suspiciously. “The servants entrance is out back,” he told them.
“Excuse me.” Lee Crane said angrily. “We are not servants and if you value your job you’ll learn to talk to your guests properly. My name is Lee Crane, you already have me registered and these people are the Clampetts. They’ll be staying in The Odell cottage as guests of NIMR,” the man tried to say something but Lee was so angry with him for jumping to conclusions, that he wouldn’t give him the chance. “I think you owe this family an apology, don’t you think so?”
“Yes sir. Sorry sir. I....I have a bad habit of speaking to quickly. I’m terribly sorry Mr. Crane,” he finished.
“You’re not done. You still owe the Clampett’s an apology.” Lee stated.
“I’m sorry Mr. Clampett, I apologize to you and your family for my rude behaviour,” he said honestly. “I really am sorry. I have no excuse for talking to you in that manner.”
“Apology accepted,” Jed said graciously.
“Now then Mr. Wilkes. Can you please check your books and we’ll finish registering Mr Clampett and show him and his family to their cottage.”
“Yes sir,” Wilkes told him. When they were finished registering Wilkes called for a bellhop and gave him the keys to the cottage the Clampetts would be staying in. “Mr. Clampett, I am truly sorry for the what I said and I’d like to treat you and your family to lunch in The Patio Restaurant.”
“Well now that’s mighty neighbourly of ya.” Jed told the man.
“Thank-you Mr Wilkes. I think we can forget this little misunderstanding for now. Just make sure it doesn’t happen in the future because the family you’re talking to might not be as gracious as The Clampetts.”
“I understand Mr. Crane. Jimmy please show the Clampetts to The Odell Cottage. I hope you enjoy your stay.” He said as Jimmy led the family out into the courtyard.
“Right this way please. Mr. Crane, I don’t like to talk out of place, but I’d sure like to thank-you for telling Mr. Wilkes off.”
“Well now Jimmy, is it?” and the bellhop nodded his head. “I think you should be careful that Mr. Wilkes doesn’t hear you.” Lee told him.
“Naw, he won’t fire me. He’s my uncle and my father’s his boss. I’d love to say those things myself, but my father says, if you can’t say something nice don’t say nothing at all. He was a Bambi fan.”
“I think you’re pa’s right on that score,” Jed Clampett laughed.
Jimmy stopped in front of a beautiful white cottage; he put a key in the lock and opened the door, “After you,” he said motioning them inside.
“Land O’ Goshen, look at the tables in ere Jed. How many people are gonna stay ere with us?” Granny asked her son in law.
“Tarnation Granny, yer right. Lee, I thought ya said Granny wouldn’t ave ta cook fer company. With all these tables and chairs and couches she’ll be constantly cookin vittles.” Jed exclaimed.
“This cottage is just for the four of you, and Granny will not be cooking anything. We’re going to pamper her and treat her like royalty. No cooking, cleaning or any other kind of work.” Crane smiled as he passed Jimmy a bill and took the keys. “I’ll show them around Jimmy.”
“Thank-you Mr. Crane. Just call the front desk if you need me,” he said grinning at the rather generous tip Lee had given him.
“Go ahead and have a look around,” Lee told the family.
Granny walked over to a large overstuffed love seat. She ran her hands over the soft white satin material. Smiling, she pulled off her boots, and stretched out on the seat. Her tiny body fit the seat perfectly, “Oh, Jed ave ya ever seen anything so fine?”
“Granny, that thing musta been made jus fer ya.” Jethro told her.
“Mmm, I think I’ll be sleepin ere.” Granny sighed contentedly.
“I’d wait until ya see these bedrooms Granny. They sure are big.” Elly cried excitedly. “The beds are bigger than the four poster Elverna Bradshaw has in her room back in the hills.”
“Aw Go On,” Granny said as she jumped up from the seat and hurried to look in the room Elly had just entered. “Land O’ Goshen. She’s right Jed and thars two a them.” She said as she plopped herself down in the middle of the nearest one. “This eres big enough fer all of us and more. I guess Elly and I’ll take this one and we can put a barrier up between the beds so we can have privacy from the men folk.”
“I don’t think we need ta worry Granny. There’s another bedroom back ere.” Jethro yelled from across the salon.
“The dickens ya say.” Jed stated as he left the two women where they were and went to check out the other room.
“Well looky ere Granny, we even ave a bathroom but this eres some kinda weird bathtub.” Elly exclaimed. “I ain’t never seen one like this before.”
Lee couldn’t help laughing as he walked into the room the two women would share. “You’re right, Elly, this isn’t an ordinary bathtub. It’s called a Jacuzzi. You fill the tub to the top and when you get in you press this button and powerful jets make the water bubble up around you. It’s very soothing.”
“Yer pullin my leg, ain’t ya Lee?” Granny said as she swatted him on the back.
“I wouldn’t do that to you Granny. I swear that’s how it works.”
“Aw Go On. I can’t say I ever hear tell of Jets that small. The ones I seen way up in the sky would never fit in there.”
Lee Crane fought
the urge to laugh at the pure innocence of this woman, “They’re not the same
kind of Jets Granny. These jets don’t fly. They turn in circles and force the
water out through the holes.”
“They must be small ta fit in there.” Elly stated.
“They are Elly. Now if you’re ready I think Jethro mentioned something about being hungry and I’d say it’s as good a time as any to take Mr. Wilkes up on his offer for lunch.”
“Ok, Lee, let’s go.” Granny said going into the salon. “Jed, Jethro, are ya ready fer vittles?”
“Yeehaw, I’m ready Granny. I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.” Jethro said.
“Are ya ever any other way Jethro Bodine?” Granny said as they exited the cottage.
“Hi everyone,” Chip Morton said as they stepped onto their private patio. “When did you get in?”
“About an hour ago, Chip. We were just going to have lunch at The Patio Restaurant.” Lee told him.
“Hey, mind if I join you. I’m starved.” Morton said grinning at Crane.
‘I wonder if you and Jethro are related in some way, you both have rather large appetites,’ Crane thought, “Sure Chip, glad to have you.” With that the small group headed for the famous restaurant for lunch.
A man dressed in black pants, white short-sleeved dress shirt with ruffles down the front, and a black velvet bow tie, met them at the entrance to the Patio Restaurant. He smiled at the odd group of people in front of him, “Good afternoon. I am Maurice and it will be my pleasure to seat you in our lovely patio garden. How many in your party?”
“Hello Maurice. We’d like a table for six.” Lee Crane answered.
“My pleasure, sir. If you’ll just follow me.” They were taken to a marble topped table overlooking the ocean. Beautiful white and yellow roses that had just begun to open up surrounded them. The scent of flowers mingled with the enticing aroma of the food being served to the other patrons.
“Boy oh boy, I’m so hungry!” a drooling Jethro stated as he was passed a menu.
“Maurice, you’re friendly desk clerk as kindly offered to pick up our tab. You can call him to verify if you like.” Crane told him.
“Yes sir, I will send your waiter right over. Enjoy your meal.” Maurice said as he left them alone at their table.
“Well doggies, look at all these glasses and forks. It looks like they’re planning to fit an army at this table with us,” Jed exclaimed.
“No, Uncle Jed, it’ll only be us. There are two glasses, one for water and the other is used for wine,” Lee explained.
“Couldn’t they ave jus put one glass and when ya finish yer water they could put the wine in it. I pity the poor woman who has ta wash all these extra dishes when there’s no need. Why three forks?” Granny asked sternly.
“Granny, there’s one fork for salad, one for the main course and one for dessert.” Chip told her.
“Land O’ Goshen, this place must be run by men who don’t care how many dishes their women ave ta do. I’d like ta ave a talk with them. Make them wash the extra dishes.”
Lee pictured Granny in the hotels spacious kitchen yelling at the men or women for using the extra dishes. He was barely able to contain his laughter, “Granny,” he said reaching out to take her hand.
“Yes Lee.”
“There’s more than one person doing the dishes and they also have a big dishwasher. All they have to do is put the dishes in and turn the machine on and it cleans and dries them.”
“The dickens ya say.” Jed said incredulously.
“I never heard tell of a machine ta do dishes. Jed ya gots ta git me one of them things.” Granny said, looking at her son in law hopefully.
“We’ll ask Mr. Drysdale where ta git one when we go back home.” Jed told her.
“Thank-you Jed.” She stopped as a young man dressed almost exactly like Maurice came over to the table.
“Hi, My name is Allen. Are you ready to order?” he asked in a courteous voice.
“Well now, Allen, I don’t think anyone even looked at the menu. Why don’t you give us a couple of more minutes?” Chip told him.
“Yes sir. Would you like me to tell you the chefs special?”
“Yes please,” Lee answered.
“The lunch special is baked sea bass in a creamy wine sauce, served with your choice of fluffy white and wild rice, or baked Idahoan potato. The soup of the day is creamy broccoli and cheese. I’ll leave you to look at the menus and be back in a moment.”
“Thank-you Allen, that’ll be fine,” Lee said to the retreating waiter. “Any idea what you’d like ladies?” he asked.
“I think I’ll try these ere es...escar...escargot.” Granny said sounding out the foreign word. “What are they?”
Lee Crane had been sipping from the water glass and almost choked when he heard what granny was thinking of ordering. “I wouldn’t advise Escargot Granny,” he advised, knowing she would not enjoy the appetizer.
“Why not Lee?” Granny asked innocently.
“Granny Escargot is a French delicacy.” Chip told her. “They’re snails.” He said not knowing any other way to explain what they were.
“Snails, yuck. Look at this place. Fancy floors, fancy lights, fancy tables and chairs, even the waiters are fancy. Wouldn’t ya think they could afford ta serve real meat, like possum and squirrel? Ten dollars fer snails.” She said at what she thought was an outrageous price for slugs. “I think I’d like ta have ya order for me Lee.”
“Ok Granny, I’m going to have the chefs special. Would you like to try that as well?” Lee asked her.
“I’ll try it but I may not like it. Oh I want a bowl of that soup as well. At least that’s somethin I know I like.”
“I’m gonna ave the hamburger delight,” Elly said, turning to her father she asked, “What are ya gonna ave Pa?”
“I think I’ll ave the same as Granny and Lee.”
“Me too,” Jethro told them, hungrily licking his lips in anticipation.
Lee Crane signalled for their waiter and they each placed their order. It wasn’t long before they had their soups and Granny was pleasantly surprised that a restaurant that would serve snails could make such a delicious soup, “That sure was a fine drop of soup,” she said as she put her spoon on the table.
Allen was very efficient as he cleared the bowls and utensils, and then brought out the main dishes.
“Uh oh,” Granny said when he’d left them alone. “I don’t think that’s gonna be enough fer Jethro. He’s a growin boy ya know.”
“I’ll jus ave a bigger dessert Granny,” Jethro told her, a huge grin on his face as he dug into his meal.
Lee still found it hard to believe how quickly Jethro could put away large amounts of food in such a short period of time. He looked down at his own plate as Jethro finished the last morsel of sea bass, ‘I wish I had half his appetite,’ he thought as he pushed his half eaten entree away from him.
“Hey Lee, ain’t ya gonna finish that?” Jethro asked, hungrily eyeing the leftover food on Cranes plate.
Lee pushed the plate towards Jethro and smiled, “Help yourself Jethro. I’m glad it’s not going to go to waste.”
“Now, Lee, how ya gonna gain weight when ya don’t eat enough ta feed a bird?” Granny exclaimed.
“Doc’s always after him to eat more,” Chip told the family.
“See, all yer doctors give ya the same advice. Yer only a youngun and have ta keep up yer strength. Now ya listen ta doctor Granny. Order yerself a big heapin bowl of dessert and don’t give it ta Jethro.”
“Ahh shucks, Granny. I wasn’t gonna take his dessert.” Jethro stated, trying to hide his disappointment.
The waiter arrived and finished clearing away the remaining dishes. He soon returned with a dessert cart filled with strawberry shortcakes, black forest cake, cinnamon rolls with a buttery icing, assorted cheesecakes, puddings, Jell-O molds and whipped creams. There was also a large assortment of fresh fruit. “What can I get you?” he asked the group.
“I’ll have one of each,” Jethro said seriously, bringing a laugh from Lee and Chip. “What’s funny? I’m still hungry.” Jethro asked.
“Ya heard the boy. Give him what he wants.” Jed said.
Allen shook his head as he cut small pieces of the cakes and placed them in front of Jethro. He began to dig in and Lee had little doubt as to whether he could finish them all off.
Lee and Chip asked for pieces of blueberry cheesecake while Granny, Jed and Elly each asked for pieces of the cinnamon rolls topped with whipped cream.
When the meal was done Lee and Chip followed the family back to their room where they could finish unpacking and decide what they wanted to do with the rest of the day. Chip had to leave to attend a meeting with Harriman Nelson and Lee had been left alone to keep the family occupied for the remainder of the day.
“Ok, Lee, what do ya suggest fer this afternoon?” Elly asked.
“Well, Elly, I was thinking about taking everyone to the Santa Barbara Zoological Gardens.”
“What’s that? Jethro asked.
“It’s a place where you can see animals from all over the world.”
“Critters, Yeehaw,” Elly shouted excitedly.
“I don’t want ta go see no critters, “Jethro stated. “I want ta go see yer submarine Lee. Elly’s got lots a critters at home.”
“You will get to see Seaview, Jethro,” Lee told him. “We just can’t go there today. You all need to get visitors passes and they won’t be ready until later this afternoon. By then it would be to late to have a tour. I really think you’ll enjoy the Zoo. There are so many animals there. Have you ever seen an elephant or a tiger?”
“What’s an elephant?” Jethro asked becoming interested in spite of himself.
“The elephants at this zoo are from Asia. They weigh over ten thousand pounds. Have big floppy ears, and a trunk. Why don’t we all just go and you can see for yourself. Trust me, Jethro, it’s worth seeing.”
“I ain’t never been ta a zoo,” Granny stated. “I don’t think any of us ave.”
“That’s right Granny. Ok, Lee, What do we need ta take?” Jed asked.
“Actually, Uncle Jed, everything’s been taken care of. I knew how much Elly liked animals and I figured the rest of you would enjoy seeing them as well. Just grab a light sweater and we’ll be on our way.” Lee said with a grin.
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