Jessica was decisively quiet on their ride home. Her face was turned so that she was looking out the side window, staring at the houses as they passed by. Riley didn’t mind, though, his thoughts had been on Buffy since he saw the tears streaking her face. As he parked in front of their room, Jessica slowly undid her seatbelt before exiting the car. Riley met her at the stairs and they ascended slowly together.
Riley unlocked the door and waited while Jessica entered first before crossing the threshold himself. He felt tired, not just physically, the last couple days had drained him emotionally and all he wanted was a hot shower and a good nights rest.
“Would it be okay if I took the shower first? I’m kind of beat.” Riley asked, pulling a pair of clean boxers from a drawer.
“Sure, go ahead.” Jessica said, her voice barely above a whisper.
“Are you okay?” Riley asked, suddenly concerned by her silence.
“Yeah, just dandy.” Her voice belied her words, however. Riley chose to ignore it, he wasn’t in the mood for another fight.
“Okay.” He stepped into the bathroom, locking the door behind him. Jessica sat on the bed, staring at the space he just left. Taking a deep breath, she made up her mind. Reaching for the phone, she held it to her ear as she began dialing.
*********************
Riley quickly shed his clothes and shivered as the cold air gave his body goosebumps. Playing with the knobs for awhile, he finally got the perfect water temperature before stepping into the tub. Letting the water pound his back for several minutes, his mind wandered back to Buffy. It tore at his heart to see her cry. He worried about her still. Every night he prayed he wouldn’t get a call from Graham telling him she had met her match. Riley would always find some way to find out if she was doing all right. Graham was always a little reluctant to give details, but even a little ‘she’s okay’ tied him over for a couple days.
Those tears at the barbeque had surprised him. Last time he had asked, Graham had told him she was happy, yet there she was, eyes full of pain, tears spilling down her sweet face. It made Riley wonder if there was another man in her life-- someone that was hurting her like he had. His fists clenched at the thought. He would do serious damage to anyone who had put that look on her face. He made a mental note to nonchalantly ask Willow about it later.
Of course, it might be her missing her friend. Giles had been such a big part of all of their lives. A big event like one of them getting married would probably bring back memories of those who couldn’t be there. But thinking about Giles only brought back memories that he didn’t want to remember, so Riley pushed those thoughts to the back of his mind to be reflected upon when it was less painful, when she wasn’t so close.
Riley realized that the water had cooled. Grabbing the little bar of soap, he hurried and soaped up. Rinsing off, he exited the shower before it was too cold. The steam in the air helped to keep him warm as he towel off. After slipping into his boxers, Riley walked over to the sink. Wiping his hand across the mirror to rid it of the steam clinging to it, he looked at himself for a long time. He had changed a lot over the years, he knew it. A lot of the light and passion he held when he was younger had died that night Buffy had walked out the door. Staring at himself now he realized he looked like he felt, a hollow shell of a man.
He could hear Jessica rummaging around in the next room and he figured she was getting ready to shower next. Grabbing his toothpaste, he quickly brushed his teeth then moved onto his hair. Completing his nightly rituals, Riley exited the bathroom, a gust of steam escaping with him.
He froze the minute he saw her. Jessica was leaning over the bed, zipping up the last of her suitcases, the rest stacked by the door.
“What are you doing?” Riley asked, crossing over to the bed.
“I’m going home.” Jessica said, never looking up, her eyes glued to the suitcase below her.
“Why?” Riley placed his hand under her chin, turning her face so that she had to look at him. Tears that had been threatening to spill since she made her decision finally fell, her chin trembling under his hand.
“Because I love you.” came her answer. Jessica stepped out of his reach, grabbing her jacket that had been lying next to the suitcase. Pulling it on, she swept her hair out of its confines before adjusting the sleeves.
“What? What kind of answer is that?” Riley asked, stepping closer to her. Jessica held out her hand, indicating for him to stop.
“Let’s be honest here Riley. You don’t love me, you never have.” Noticing he was about to object, she silenced him once again. “I know you care about me, I’ve never doubted that. But love, the kind of love I need, you can never give me. That part of you will always belong to her. You still love her. And I can’t live like that.”
Riley looked away, the tears falling down her face making him feel ashamed--ashamed of his actions, his attitude toward her or their relationship, he didn’t know. “I’m sorry.” came his soft reply.
Nodding her head, she stepped forward, taking his hand. “I don’t blame you for this. I knew what I was getting into from the beginning. I thought I loved us enough for the both of us. I know that sounds cliche, but its how I felt. But it wasn’t enough.”
Riley felt the tears coming up as his emotions raced forward. Jessica was quick to wipe away the tear that fell, giving him a small smile. “I want you to know that I will cherish the time we spent together, I’ll never regret it, any of it. All I want is for you to be happy.” The sound of a car honking in the distance brought Jessica’’s head around as she looked to the door.
“That’s my cab.” She said as she grabbed her suitcase. Hauling it to the door, she set it next to the others. Looking back at Riley, she followed her sudden urge, crossing the room swiftly, she pulled him into a hug. His arms went around her immediately as he hugged her back. “Thank you for sharing a little bit of your life with me." Jessica said from the crook of his neck. "Riley, I want to leave you with a little advice that I suggest you follow.”
Pulling back, she looked into his eyes, “Fight for her! The Riley Finn I know would never give up without a fight. Besides, when she looks at you, it’s with absolute adoration. She loves you, Riley.” Tears found their way to her eyes again as her hand traced his face. Bringing his face down to hers, she gave him one last kiss before walking to the door. Grabbing her bags, slinging several over her shoulder, she managed to get all of them out the door, closing it behind her. Riley listened as her steps faded into the distance. He was still standing in the same spot when he heard the cab pull away.
Riley felt his body begin to shudder as a sob erupted from deep within him. Grasping the bedclothes, his body slumped against the bed momentarily before sliding to the ground. He felt like a tremendous weight had been lifted from him. For the past year he had been living a lie, hurting not only himself but Jessica in the process. It felt good to have it all out in the open, to be honest with himself. Curling up in a ball on the floor, he let Jessica’s words sink in. ‘She loves you.’ Could that be true, or is it just because he wanted it so bad to be true that his brain was having a hard time letting go of his dreams. Riley laid there on the floor, crying softly for a love lost, but a friend gained, and another chance at a dream come true.
*************
“Buff, you okay?” Willow asked as she handed her another box of photos.
“Why does everyone keep asking me that? I’m fine.” Buffy said a little testily.
“Okay, geez, bite my head off why don’t ya!” Willow said, the hurt in her voice obvious.
Buffy stood up and walking over to Willow, she pulled her in to an embrace. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap, I guess I’m just tired.”
Willow smiled back at her friend. “Already forgotten. Do you want to knock this off for tonight? I can finish it tomorrow morning before the shower.”
“No, I’m good. Let’s keep going.” Buffy and Willow had retired to Willow’s old bedroom to look for photo’s for the wedding video. After spending a half an hour laughing at chocolate pudding covered baby pictures of Willow and a long-haired Graham as a toddler, they had finally moved onto more recent pictures.
“Oh, look at this, this is my favorite!” Buffy exclaimed from her seat on the floor. Holding the picture up for Willow to see, a smile spread across her face.
“I love that one.” It had been taken when she and Graham had first started going out. They had been at a city picnic at the park. A three-legged race was announced. Somehow Graham had convinced Willow that they could take home the prize if they entered. A little hesitant, Willow finally tied the bandana around their legs, securing them together. As soon as the gun went off, they found themselves with major problems. Willows short stride didn’t match Graham’s long one and not even a foot from the starting line, they found themselves in a pile on the ground. Buffy had been quick with the camera, snapping a picture of them as they laid in a giggling heap. “That’s going in the pile marked definite.”
Willow moved to put it on the desk with the rest of the photo’s they had selected. Buffy began rummaging again. Her eyes fell on the inevitable. Riley’s smile called to her from the depths of the picture. Buffy’s face was actually glowing as she stared up at him. The recent food fight they had had left them a mess of ketchup, mustard and relish. Buffy was pretty sure she could see a piece of hot dog bun sticking to Riley’s hair.
Buffy’s heart ached for those happier times when she knew his love. Buffy felt Willow’s behind her, glancing over her shoulder. “We use to be so happy. How can something that was so right, go so wrong?”
“Buffy, things happened, you can’t change them. What you can do is move forward. You still want him, don’t you?” Willow asked, sitting down beside her friend.
“I’ve never stopped wanting him, Will.”
“Then go after him, let him know how you’re feeling. Don’t let this chance slip away.” Willow said. “Maybe there’s still a chance to get back to those times.” Willow indicated the picture Buffy was clutching in her hand.
“No, he’s with someone else, he’s moved on. It’s better to concentrate on what is rather than what could be.” Buffy placed the photo back in the box before covering it with the lid, effectively sealing the conversation. Willow just shook her head, hoping that Graham’s plan would open each of their friend’s eyes.
To be continued..
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