Damn angelfire...I had this whole entry written, and bam! stupid thing was just erased...i guess i'll just try to remember it....
I vacuumed my car today...my beautiful wonderful car...It was getting very dirty, and I finally accomplished one of my weekend projects...So my car smells good, looks good inside...and I realized how much i love my car, despite its faults. I think it's because I was involved in getting the volvo...I would have loved to have a brand spankin new Volvo S70, but I spent hours scouring those classifieds, begging to go visit, helping to negotiate the price down to $1300...So I looove my car...the sunroof doesn't work, there's an annoying squeaking sound, the transmission leaks, and things are falling off...but who cares?! I love driving, which leads us to the next adventure, and why this was such a good weekend..
First, a little sidetrack, because I haven't talked about state yet...Soooo much fun.. I have fun every year, but this year was great.. I rode down with mr. mansel, dave, the rust boys, and ethan, and even though the rusts curled up and slept the whole way, we had a good time. "Give me somethin tall and strong, cause it's 5 oclock somewhere" (sing that in a country accent)..We listened to country music the majority of the trip..After finals on Friday, the entire team went to Fuddruckers, which is amazing, cause we rarely do that. It was great to just sit around and chat...Swimming-wise, I did wonderfully. Actually, I maintained what i've done all season, and I'm happy with it..It's humbling to see these people going 23 on a 50 free, or 45 on a 100 free...insane really, because they must spend their time at the pool..I remembered why I love hanging out with nicole, and why we've been friends for so long...we were running through the halls of the hotel, and having a great time....We got home on saturday early, which leads again to saturday night and my love of driving.
Saturday nights I am always anxious to do something, and I am physically incapable of doing anything school related..So I call Breony...And I was also hungry, so off we go to harvest buffet..deeeeliicious...then came the ever constant quandry..What to do next?? We had tried to call chris to go see a movie, and didn't really want to go with just the two of us, so here comes the driving thing...We had quite an adventure travelling the length of oak ridge, making wrong turns, etcetera and the like...I can't go into it now...And THEN on the way from the west end, we ran into mr mansel and dave...scared the crap out of me... and of course we had to drag race, and i backed off...and THEN, it never ends, we were almost kicked out of walmart by that evil woman who works at walmart and therefore has no future...all quite fun...and again i ask the question, if no one sees you run a red light, is it really bad? Great night...
And finally, prom....to go? not to go? I know that going out to dinner would be fun...and I know dressing up would be fun, and I already know the dress I would want...It's just the going...number one, I don't like to dance, number two, I don't want to go alone, and I can think of plenty more reasons not to go...mostly that i'm not going to be asked by the person(s) that i want....sigh...pity party.......................and it's over...time for homework!
Jueves February 19, 2004
Another beautiful, wonderful day. It was one of those days with the ideal weather, where all i want to do is go outside and sit. I was walking outside during lunch, which, by the way, everyone wasted away studying inside, and I could have just kept walking and walking it was so nice. Not too hot, not cold at all, breezy...I was so content...And i haven't been that way for a while...It was relaxing to forget about everything.
Oh! And I also heard from my very good TiP buddy Sarah recently..I started remembering all of the good times I had last summer..Planning our escapes, late-night talks right up to lights out, dances, trading spaces, epidemic in class, the LSRC, it just keeps going....those darn pervert construction workers....I miss all of it, and as much as I'll probably enjoy Governor's school, it won't be the same as good old duke.
I felt like an idiot earlier today though, because I turned in my girls state app to dear old senter, and I made a small joke..and senter said something to the effect that i shouldn't joke because he's on the selection committee...I was like, oops...I'm counting on him liking me enough to select me...I think he knows that I'm joking a lot of the time...
Oh man, sidenote, Oprah's having a sex show today...this should be entertaining...do YOU have a normal sex life? hmmm...
My one complaint, queja, of the day...because it has been a REALLY good day.: When you pass your friends in the hall, say hi! don't just pass on by...And GO OUT TO LUNCH! We are given an hour to enjoy, OFF campus, so take advantage...We should go to the park someday...And i understand if you have physics or something..but come on...That is all..
Overall, it has been a beatiful week, and i'm sure i'll have a wonderful weekend in nashville...I hope i get to go to girls state...Don't forget everyone, Passions of Christ next weekend...
Miercoles
What a beautiful day! The weather was beautiful, I get to play for State Fair, and I got a good grade on calculus! AND we leave tomorrow for state. What else could I ask for? OH, and we all went to lunch today. It was very pleasant. After school, I went to Ariella's house to film her MA project. I feel bad though, because I'm not a very good actress. I tried, but I don't think I did very well. But we'll see, because I'm going to watch the thing before she shows it on monday...But I had sooo much fun doing it!
Ever get the feeling that people are just tolerating you? Wondering, where is the Love? People just don't practice what they preach. And I'm seriously tired of putting forth the effort, when it's not reciprocated....
Martes, el diez y siete de Febrero, dos mil cuatro
Laura is definitely becoming an internet goddess; I figured out my guestbook...So, SIGN IT!!
Let's see...today...pretty good day...Besides my calculus test, which was a nice wake up call, I'm doing OK...See the thing is, math has ALWAYS come naturally to me. I've only had to actually work in Geometry with dear mr. held, and now in calculus, and it's REALLY bothering me that I am struggling to hold on to an A-...by a ever weakening thread....but I'll be fine, so at the end of the day i'm happy. Some of you might understand, but most of you probably wonder why I don't just work harder. The fact is, I don't enjoy working every waking moment. I don't waste my time; I do things I enjoy, like reading Angels and Demons....(which is excellent so far)...and sleeping, and watching TV...Oh! Mel Gibson Interview! Wow. Traditionalist Catholics..Speechless. Actually, does it even matter WHO killed Jesus? I had the impression that he HAD to die for "our sins," only to be "resurrected"....which is another part of Christianity why confuzzles me. But bah! enough of that for now..
In other news, I need a job. I've been unsuccessful in renegotiating my contract with the parents, so I think I need an alternate source of income. Plus, I could take more control of my dear Volvo if I could pay for gas or something. I haven't had the opportunity (Si pudiera volver a vivir, aprenderia tocar el violin) to play $200 weddings, so I need a shmuck job, but not in food. but I won't worry about it now...STATE MEET this weekend!
Monday, February 16, 2004
Finally, I'm out of my non-internet box! Damn Comcast! But it's working now, and I can finally spill about this weekend and etcetera. This thing really is therapeutic. OK, let's start with the complaints/ranting first, to get that over with.
I am so tired of not being good enough. I hate being just mediocre good, which sounds ridiculous, but it's true. Take major author. I got an A on the paper, but in my mind I know I could have written a better paper, and it bothers me.. And in math, I know I can do well, things have just started building up lately. Darn my competitiveness; I know I can be as good as those Asians. Enough pity partying now...It's my fault, and i know it..blah blah blah..doesn't mean i can't complain..
Alright, next on the agenda is people. As much as I love certain people, good god they can be inconsiderate. Why can't everyone be the same all the time, no matter what people they are with? It seems that a certain person's attention is completely drawn to another certain person, completely ignoring particular people, namely me. If that makes any sense. I'm trying to say this without completely sacrificing anonymity. I can't stand people who love attention so much that they ignore everyone else. There are these bright moments, like this weekend, and then bleh weeks...Maybe I'm going crazy, but you people are frustrating. And I can't deal with it on top of the stress of school, so I'll just keep being there to have fun on the weekends.
That's enough of that. Back to fun stuff! This weekend..Oh man, I had fun! Knoxville with Breony and Chris on Friday made me so happy. First of all, the fact that we could even go was amazing. I credit myself for that, mostly....Chris's mother: "Don't forget to buckle up!"...We went out to dinner at Stir Fry Cafe, which was delicious, and then saw Monster in a theater that costed MORE than tinseltown, and did NOT have rocking stadium seats. We're spoiled here in 'da Ridge. Back to the movie, that was a crazy movie. Charlize Theron did an excellent job in my opinion, and I was shocked that the plot was based on real life. It brought up some crazy questions.."Why does he need to pay money for her to do that?" and the like, some of which did not get answered..Someone (ahem) couldn't keep himself awake, but it's ok...We'll have to make this a regular weekend affair..The fact that we were IN KNOXVILLE on a friday night, until 1 AM, with no parental repercussions! ....OH!! The list! I almost forgot..Here we go:
1. Miyabi's, 2. Go-Carts, 3. Teaching Chris and Ariella Clutch, 4. Un mes en espana, 5. Passion of Christ, 6. Crazy Spontaneity....It's hard to think of it all now....Tell me if I need to add stuff....7. Driving as far as we can during one lunch period...8. Johnny Depp in Secret Window
I love going out with you guys!
Saturday night was almost as fun, I just kept being reminded of Valentine's Day...s'all good though....Now I really need to do some homework, seeing as my calculus grade is a dark cavernous black hole...
One more thought, on a deeper, Laura-trying-to-sound-intelligent level. Christianity never ceases to amaze me. It's like this club that I can't be a member of, as hard as I try to convince myself. There's this bond/aura of good feeling that's associated, and people get so defensive. I guess maybe I'd feel more complete? or less confused? or something. I'd feel something....goodnight..feel free to tell me what you think.
Thursday very very late
A few observations before I go to bed: #1. WalMart is quite frightening at 10:00 on a school night, because it seems like all the worst people in the world come out. #2. I saw tonight what quite possibly could have been the best Survivor episode ever. Not the best in an exciting way, but in a moving, thought provoking way. If you're a devout fan of the show, as I am, you know that it is a HUGE deal to quit the show. Jenna, one of the contestants, decides to leave the show to be with her mother, who has cancer. She had won a previous show, and was absolutely miserable because she had a feeling/vibe that she needed to be with her mother. At the end of the show, it had a note, that Jenna's mother died 8 days after she left the show...I was speechless...I'll let you ponder, because I can't formulate the words.
Thursday February 12, 2004
Usually, at the end of every day I could tell you how the day was overall..It's either been crappy, or it's been great...Today was weird, because there were so many ups and downs...The day started off with a classic, I wake up, look at my clock, and the first words out of my mouth are "oh shit"...I sat there, staring at my despertador, wishing that i could get some time back. Of course I miss the calc hospital on the very test I need it the most! Jesus smiles on me again!! Thank you, praise the lord hallelujah! (dripping with sarcasm there)
However, the day started to redeem itself, as I had plenty of fun in spanish and at lunch. I can't get enough of "driving the range," especially when it's wet out...PLUS, it's Darwin Day. The happiest day for those of us logical-thinking-non-insanely-Christian-fundamentalist people. Chris, although he was oddly quiet at lunch today, brought some really good brownies...
But like that book we're reading in english, Her eyes turn to god, or whatever, i'm always moving toward my dream...and i've sorta come back to reality, which is that this year is insane (i need a new word, but that one fits)...and i can't wait for the summer...
Oh, and happy valentine's day Saturday!!
Wednesday February 11, 2004
I am perhaps the happiest person in the world right now. In three short weeks, I will be getting my damn braces off, after two long years of torture. Wahoo!! Share in my enthusiasm!
On a less happy note, this has not been the best day academically, but i'm oddly unconcerned. I did not read The Awakening for english, and lo and behold, surprise! in-class essay! Jesus smiles on me again! And to add insult to injury, eugenio proceeds to tell me that I need to learn how to bullshit, which, duh, I know...I just couldn't write something that ended up being so redundant. And yes, it is all my fault, but it doesn't make me any happier. Ordinarily, I would be freaking out about my grade, but I'm not...We also have a calc test friday, and scheduling for next year, which is really exciting.
So in the last two days, I've passed police on emory valley going way too fast, and haven't been concerned...I love it...Recklessness is fun...in moderation..
Tuesday February 10, 2004
After the longest, 12 hour bus ride of my entire life, which was an adventure all to itself, I dragged myself out of bed to go to math, and to catch up with the latest news. For the moment, I am wondering what the mysterious allure is about sophomore girls..Apparently they hold some sort of value for our junior guys...The rumor mill is definitely working...And I say this with all the possible love in my heart, but we must have some of the horniest asians around...gotta love em though..that's all for now..
Oh! I forgot to talk about the happenings right before I left for naimun...My clandestine adventure to turn in my MA, well, to give it to chris to turn in...Scary as hell, but fun! There were absolutely no cars on the streets thursday morning at 2 AM, which added to the excitement. I got to Chris' house with no problem, but it was sooo deathly quiet that i was afraid someone was going to wake up with me sneaking around. I put my essay into his car, and then maybe it was the delirium from the late hour, but I swear I saw a light turn on.. I could only imagine what chris's mom would have said if she found me, in pjs, putting my essay in his car...it was great fun...I have definitely had an exciting week...
Weekend of February 5 - 9
Sooooo....Here I am...sitting in committee....bored to tears..I love coming to NAIMUN, and I love debating, but either my attention span can only last one topic, or I just need to get out and have fun for a while...be reckless...Either way, I am having serious trouble concentrating on Reconstruction of Iraq, though this year I've been able to debate and speak and write a lot better... I miss my poor lonely car, and I think my sister is driving it right now. Horrible....
Regardless, coming to Washington, even though we didn’t get to explore much of the city, reaffirms (that ‘s a resolution word) my love of big cities and my dream to go to a school up here...Damnation, i can’t stand thinking about college all the time...why why why...the insanity...
Oh yea...I don’t think i should advertise my crappy score, but i think i must have had some sort of condition on that day we took the SAT..i like to call it Laura-didn’t-study-enough-and-is-pissed-at-herself disease...A fucking 1470...damnit...no one to blame but myself...I am extremely angry/disappointed with myself....And I know a 1470 would ordinarily be a really good score, but in the schools that I want to go to, it really isn’t. I like to think that I could do as well as the Asians, as sad and unlikely a wish that may be. But I have convinced myself that I can do it...March SAT in kville is definitely in the plans...YES! Optimism...that’s rare with me...wahoo
Tonight we went to a really nice Italian restaurant with the entire delegation. It was extremely fun, and entertaining, despite Lee’s constant pretentious tendancies. I haven’t laughed so much in a long time. I do feel a little bad, because I, as usual, opened my big mouth and said something I shouldn’t have. Eugenio got whipped cream on his finger, and tried to make me lick it off. Of course, I refused, but then Joy licked it off. I then said what I shouldn’t have, I said “See, Eugenio, I have standards. I don’t put my mouth on everything I see.” be perverted and you'll understand why it was funny. then Eugenio laughed, and I went a step further, and said “It’s only the truth.” But to my credit, I said everything in my sarcastic, I’m-really-just-kidding voice. Or I tried to, and Joy actually seemed to get a little upset...but she got me back later..
It was all better, because Prishantha walked me back to the hotel, and we skipped like the crazy swimmers we are...I said I would go to the delegate dance, but I made an appearance and decided that I really don’t like dances, unless I know everyone. People tend to be extremely superficial when they don’t you. And I think it would have helped to have some alcohol..or something..not that I would have any...So Joy and I had a small, uneventful but fun adventure, breaking a couple insignificant rules. Always fun. And I have a newfound respect/love for the Puerto Ricans.and univision, the spanish TV channel ...And curfew is stupid...
Tomorrow’s the last day of session...and somehow i’m supposed to pack up..boo...I like the idea of just throwing stuff in my bag...I have felt very bereft without my weekend in OR con breony, christopher, and ariella. But there is always next weekend, and I’m pretty sure they probably didn’t miss me this weekend...but whatever...let’s get back to optimist Laura...Yaaawwwnnn....I wish my damn guestbook would start working.....because i’m writing all this stuff, without knowing what people think....And as it is now 1:22 in the morning....Goodnight!
Wednesday February 4, 8:24...procrastinating
I found this in my english notebook...I love it:
"And this I believe: that the free,
exploring mind of the individual
human is the most valuable
thing in the world.
And this I would fight for: the
freedom of the mind to take any
direction it wishes, undirected.
And this I must fight against:
any idea, any religion, or
government which limits or
destroys the individual. This is
what I am about. I can
understand why a system built
on a pattern must try to destroy
for the free mind, for this is one
thing which can by inspection
destroy such a system. Surely, I
can understand this, and I hate it
and I will fight against it to
preserve the one thing that
separates us from the uncreative
beast. If the glory can be killed,
we are lost."
John Steinbeck
I had one of those epiphany sort moments in Walmart today. While traipsing through the aisles, looking for NAIMUN food, trying not to be embarassed for being in walmart, I saw a woman with her child, using some sort of voucher to buy their generic brand necessities. And however pithy this is, I looked at my own cart, which was full of enough food to feed a family, but was only meant for me -for four days....i dunno...one of those moments when you realize what you have....great story, huh...OK...FOCUS...back to MA and dear Senor Hawthorne...
Wednesday Feb 4, 3:23 AM
It is definitely 3 in the morning, and I am definitely just finished with my "group" history essay, which I wrote entirely on my own. By the end, I don't think I really cared much about what I was writing exactly, and I don't really know what I wrote. I am going to have to go back and fix the last half anyway...If I have this much difficulty doing this simple 5 page essay on something concrete, like history, how in the hell (insert stronger profanities) am I going to do Major Author, which is entirely ambiguity. Maybe it's too early in the morning to tell, but I might have reached that point where it might be IMPOSSIBLE. As in, there aren't enough hours to write a cohesive essay on blah blah in Hawthorne's fucking novels...bless my language, I am only frustrated with myself. Why can't I go back, pick a different author, take actual notes on each novel, read every bit of every novel, and not try survive this damn year day by day...Or why can't I not give a care...Why, why why...I think it's my favorite word..
Sometime between Tuesday and Wednesday...Who cares anymore
There's a sort of insane delirium that comes with trying to use your brain and write about the Gilded Age in the middle of the night. Actually, maybe it's more of a mental clarity that I am unable to achieve at any other time. I seem to churn out pretty good essays in these fleeting, but abundantly creative hours..(ahem...Scarlet Letter). Honestly, I don't think I can remember an essay that I actually wrote while not under pressure in the middle of the night...I have brief moments of inspiration, followed by nothingness. Regardless, I bring all the stress upon myself, blah blah blah, and right now, the evil little green history elf is beating me in the back of the head, screaming "You idiot!! Why didn't you work in class while you had the chance!"...damn...why do i put up with this? Applied Communications, and then Roane State, here I come! YES!
Monday February 2, 2004
Alright..Calm down.. I know this is revolutionary, but I'm going to start new entries at the top of the page now..I'm tired of scrolling. Cambiando de tema, I'm having the hardest week academically that I think I have ever had. It's not even the subject matter either, I'm drowning in sheer volume of work. And I'm not trying to complain or whine, but everything has honestly all come at once. I have to leave, whether I'm ready or not, for NAIMUN in two days, meanwhile I'm trying to focus on things that actually have grades attached (MA, history). And though this may come off as mean, I am such a perfectionist, I can't stand leaving things for other people to take care of, and it's stacking up on my shoulders, like tons of bricks. I may seem laid back and nonchalant when it comes to doing work, but for these huge things I get extremely stressed.
On a lighter note, I have discovered that I love that song: What if God were One of Us, by Joan Osborne..Sums up my spiritual confusion, pretty much. Lovely Song..."If God had a name, what would it be... and would you call it to his face, if you were faced with him, in all his glory, what would you ask if you had just one question...What if God was one of us, just a slob like one of us, just a stranger on a bus, trying to make his way home...And would you want to see, if seeing meant you would have to believe, in things like heaven and in Jesus and the saints, and all the prophets.."
And another thing...People need to stop building walls and the like, and just need to be brutally honest, even if feelings get hurt. And this pertains to a specific situation, so don't come and hurt my feelings tomorrow or anything. The week is hard enough as it is...That's all..
Sunday, February 1, 2004 -not april fools...i'm an idiot
Today's the day: Superbowl XXXVIII, and Survivor. Although I might regret writing this down, the New England Patriots are going to win. Not only because they represent the area of my birth, and where I want to go to school, but also because they are the better football team....and they beat the Colts and the Titans...so HA! And if you can't believe i'm female and talking about football (ahem...Mr. Senter), go jump in a lake...
"For some reason, the Almighty needs government assistance to make his presence known. Either the schools must have prayer or the government building must have a religious reminder (ten commandments, God resolution), or else, somehow, he will be banned from our lives or our conscious."
Wahoo!! New England Patriots pull through again! Thanks again for coming to watch! And I do believe someone owes me a lunch. Although overtime would have been awesome, it had to end sometime. It has been a wonderful weekend!
