In that place between wakefulness and dreams,
I found myself in the room.
There were no distinguishing features
except for the one wall
covered with small index card files.
They were like the ones in libraries
that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order.
But these files,
which stretched from floor to ceiling
and seemingly endlessly in either direction,
had very different headings.
As I drew near the wall of files,
the first to catch my attention was one that read,
"Girls I Have
Liked."
I opened it and began flipping through the cards.
I quickly shut it,
shocked to realize that
I recognized the names written on each one.
And then without being told,
I knew exactly where I was.
This lifeless room with its small files
was a crude catalog system for my life.
Here were written the actions of my every moment
... big and small ...
in a detail my memory couldn't match.
A sense of wonder and curiosity,
coupled with horror, stirred within me
as I began randomly opening files
and exploring their content.
Some brought joy and sweet memories;
others a sense of shame and regret so intense
that I would look over my shoulder
to see if anyone was watching.
A file named "Friends" was next to one marked,
"Friends I Have Betrayed."
The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird.
"Books I Have Read,"
"Lies I Have Told,"
"Comfort I Have Given,"
"Jokes I Have Laughed At."
Some were almost hilarious in their exactness:
"Things I've Yelled at My Brothers."
There were others I couldn't laugh at:
"Things I Have Done in My Anger,"
"Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents."
I never ceased to be surprised by the contents.
Often there were many more cards than I expected
... sometimes fewer than I hoped.
I was overwhelmed
by the sheer volume of the life I had lived.
Could it be possible
that I had the time in my 20 years to write
each of these thousands or even millions of cards?
But each card
confirmed this truth.
Each was written in my own handwriting.
Each signed with my signature.
When I pulled out the file marked,
"Songs I Have Listened To,"
I realized the files grew to contain their contents.
The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards,
I hadn't found the end of the file.
I shut it ... shamed,
not so much by the quality of music,
but more by the vast amount of time
I knew that file represented.
When I came to a file marked,
"Lustful Thoughts,"
I felt a chill run through my body.
I pulled the file out only an inch,
not willing to test its size, and drew out a card.
I shuddered at its detailed content.
I felt sick
to think that such a moment had been recorded.
An animal rage almost broke out on me.
One thought dominated my mind,
"No one must ever see these cards!
No one must ever see this room!
I have to destroy them!"
In an insane frenzy I yanked the file out.
Its size didn't matter now.
I had to empty it and burn the cards.
But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor,
I could not dislodge a single card.
I became desperate and pulled out a card,
only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it.
Defeated and utterly helpless,
I returned the file to its slot.
Leaning my forehead against the wall,
I let out a long, self- pitying sigh.
And then I saw it. The title said,
"People I Have Shared the Gospel With."
The handle was brighter than those around it ...
newer, almost unused.
I pulled on its handle
and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands.
I could count the cards it contained on one hand.
And then the tears came.
I began to weep.
Sobs so deep
that the hurt started in my stomach and shook through me.
I fell on my knees and cried.
I cried out of shame,
from the overwhelming shame of it all.
The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes.
No one must ever, ever know of this room.
I must lock it up and hide the key.
But then as I pushed away the tears,
I saw Him.
No, please ... not Him!
Not here!
Oh, anyone but Jesus!
I watched helplessly
as He began to open the files and read the cards.
I couldn't bear to watch His response.
And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face,
I saw a sorrow deeper than my own.
He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes.
Why did He have to read every one?
Finally
He turned and looked at me from across the room.
He looked at me with pity in His eyes.
But this was a pity that didn't anger me.
I dropped my head,
covered my face with my hands and began to cry again.
He walked over and put His arm around me.
He could have said so many things,
but He didn't say a word.
He just cried with me.
He then got up
and walked back to the wall of files.
Starting at one end of the room,
He took out a file and,
one by one, began to
sign His name over mine on each card.
"No!" I shouted rushing to Him.
All I could find to say was "No! No!"
as I pulled the card from Him.
His name shouldn't be on these cards.
But there it was, written in red ...
so rich, so dark, so alive.
The name of Jesus covered mine.
It was written with His blood.
He gently took the card back.
He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards.
I don't think I'll ever understand
how He did it so quickly,
but in the next instant,
I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side.
He placed His hand on my shoulder and said,
"It is finished."
I stood up,
and He led me out of the room.
There was no lock on its door.
There were still cards to be written ...
