Letters from My Mom
*Newest entries last*
It will be five months tomorrow that I lost you. Five months of not seeing your face, your smile, not hearing your voice, your laughter. Five months of not being able to touch you, to share things with you. Sometimes I don't think I know what dead means, when it comes to you being dead. How can I live with part of me gone?
Your baby girls are growing up so fast. I wish you could be here to share them with us. But I know you are smiling as you watch Kristen walk around the house on her little wobbly legs. And I know you are urging Krista to get up and catch her. When they see your picture, they say da-da, kiss you and lay their heads on you. It's cute, but at the same time so sad. We are keeping your memory alive for them. They will know their wonderful Daddy.
Dad gave me a magnolia tree for Christmas to plant in your memory (can you believe that he came up with the idea on his own?) The tree is beautiful and growing so good. Someday, when it is big enough, I will take Krista and Kristen and we will sit under it and talk about you.
Your sisters miss you so much. They talk about you all the time. It is so hard on them without their "Bubba". They are both in counseling.
Some of your friends still come to see me, Jason, Doug, Eric, Joey and Charlie has started to come again. I worry about him. We talk about you a lot. Oh and son, I am finding out things about you I never knew!!!! Your friends are telling all. Charlie told me about what ya'll did when ya'll would go to wash my van!
Well son, I am going to say bye for now. I will write again soon. I love you, and I always will.
April 12, 1998
Happy Easter son. This is my first Easter without you and it hurts so much. I bought your white chocolate rabbit like I do every year. I was going to put it on your grave, but I decided to feed it to Krista and Kristen. They loved "Da-da's canney". I have your candle burning today. We decorated your grave and your tree for Easter.
Today is also Krista and Kristen's first birthday, oh son you should be here for this. Tab's aunt and uncle gave them a birthday party. It was also a bar-b-que and crawfish boil. You would have loved it! It lasted all day. The twins had their first Easter egg hunt, uh kinda need to work on that for next year, they thought stomping on the eggs was a lot of fun. The cake I ordered them was like the one you had for your first birthday, only it was pink and white and had two babies on it.
We are keeping your memory alive for them son. When you ask them where Da-da is, they pat their little hearts. Because that is where you are son, you live in all our hearts.
My friend Silvana sent them a song for their birthday. She said she feels like you chose it, and after listening to it, I know that you did. It fits the three of you so perfect.
Well son, I need to go. I love you and miss you so much. Please know that even though you are not on this earth, you are still alive, in my heart.
April 27, 1998
Today makes six months since we lost you. It hurts so much son. I know you are in a better place, but I want you here! This one wasn't so bad was it? It is still so hard for me to believe you are gone. Please know that you are still alive in my heart and always will be. They may have taken you from this earth, but they will never take you from my heart!
Til later my angel son.
May 10, 1998
Today was my first Mother's Day without you. I took out the cards you made me when you were little and looked at the little hand prints you made me. I miss you so much son. I can still remember my first Mother's Day, 20 years ago, I had you, my beautiful baby boy.
I let your balloons go today and I burnt your candle, it is still burning right now. The twins were here with me today, so I had a part of you. They played in the sand and had a good time. They had everybody laughing and that helped.
Jennie and Laurie gave me an angel figurine, it has two boy angels, we named them Shane and Josh. I also got a little gray kitten, her name is Molly. Yes, Dad let me have another one!
Well son, I am going to go now. Remember I love you and will always keep you in my heart.
May 27, 1998
Today was so awful son. You have been gone for 7 months. It shocks me that it has been that long, it seems like yesterday. I cried so much today, I feel drained.
Mrs. Carlin called me today to talk about Laurie. Naturally the conversation turned to you. You are still one of her favorite students. We cried together. You really made an impression on her son. She still talks about teaching you in the third grade and how she has watched you grow up over the years. She still can't believe you are gone either. Laurie will be graduating from the Lower Elementary this year. As a graduation gift, Mrs Carlin bought her a birthstone angel pin, she took it to her priest and had it blessed for her. I cried when she told me this.
I am going to go now. Just wanted to write a little bit to you. Talk to you soon.
Loved you then, love you now, love you always
June 11, 1998
Son, I need your strength today. We have to go to court. I have to see the boys who have destroyed my life again. Sometimes when I look at them I get so angry that I scare myself. I hate to sit there and listen to the lawyers discuss things. Things that should never have been part of our lives, like your autopsy report, crime scene reports. I have to stop and think, this is my baby they are talking about. When they talk about those boy's rights, I get so mad, what about your rights, my rights, your daughters' rights. We had rights too, until they came along and took them away! I am so scared sometimes that the anger is going to get the best of me. Then there are times I have this inner peace and wonder where is comes from. Then I know, it is from you and God. I feel you with me Shane, you are my strength. I know you are still here with me and always will be.
Please Shane, take my hand today and hold on real tight and don't let go. Give me the strength and courage to make it through this.
Loved you then, love you now, love you always
June 22, 1998
Today is Father's Day and I miss you so much. I watched your Dad today, I know part of him was waiting for you to walk through the door and say Happy Father's Day. You never missed a special day. We have so many cards from you from over the years.
I keep thinking about Father's Day last year, it was your first one. You were so proud I remember how happy you were when you got the key chain from Krista and Kristen. I wish it could have been more, I thought there would be other Father's Days to make up for it. But it didn't matter to you, you were just so proud to be a daddy. Shane you may have only been a father on earth for a short time, but you were a wonderful one son. I was and still am so proud of you. Your daughters know you and they always will. I make that promise to you Shane, Krista and Kristen will know what a wonderful Daddy they have and how much you loved them.
Shane's First father's Day
Loved you then, love you now, love you always.
July 27, 1998
Nine months have now passed sine you left us. For nine months, I carried you under my heart and now for nine months I have carried you in my heart.
The road without you has been a sad and hard one. And it stretches endlessly ahead of me. This is still so unreal to me Shane, there are times I just don't believe this has happened to us. I DON'T WANT TO BELIEVE IT! I have to remind myself often that you are gone, it just doesn't sink in.
I painted a concrete angel and put it under your tree today. We made a flower bed/rock garden for you and Paw-Paw too. We put a squirrel in it for you and a watermelon rabbit for Paw-Paw.. We have reminders of you every where. YOU WILL NOT BE FORGOTTEN!
Through your death, I have met some wonderful friends on the computer who share my pain. They are helping me to make it through. I still have some wonderful friends here too, but some of my friends have disappeared and that hurts. But if I can survive losing you, I can survive anything!
Oh Shane I love you so much and NOTHING will ever change that. I WANT YOU BACK!!!
Loved you then, Love you now, Love you always.
Oct. 27, 1998
It has been a year today since I lost you. The pain is still so very deep son, it hurts as much as the night it happened. I have tried to come to terms with you death, but it is so hard. How does a motherdeal with the death of her child, her firstborn, her son? I don’t want to believe that you are gone. I don’t want to believe I will not see your face, hear your voice or touch you again on this earth. It hurts too much.
I watch your daughters growing up without their father and it is so unfair. I try to keep you memory alive for them. I want them to know what a wonderful loving father they have. I see you in their smiles and hear you in their laughter. You do live on in them son.
Your sisters try to understand all of this. In a lot of ways they have had to grow up so fast, their innocence has been shattered. Tonight, I heard Jennie crying saying how unfair this all is and son it is so unfair! I see the pain in Laurie’s eyes as she hurts and misses her big brother. They look at me as if begging me to fix it. Oh son howI wish I could fix this for them, for you, for all of us.
Your Dad is quiet, he holds his pain in, he thinks he has to be strong for the rest of us. But he hurts so much, I can see it.
And Maw-Maw, she helped raise you, she struggles with this pain too. She is so lost without you and daddy. No one can fill this voidin her life, just like no one can fill mine. No one can fill the void youhave left in any of our lives.
I see Tabitha trying to be so strong and pick up the pieces. But she hurts so bad without you here. You were her first love Shane.
Your friends feel your absense so strong. You were part of them and they loved you, they still do.
I look back over this last year and I am amazed that I have made it this far. I never knew you could feel such pain and live. Shane you touched so many lives in your short time here, no one who knew you will ever be the same. I finally undertand the saying “It is better to have loved and lost, than to have not known love at all.” Even though I am hurting so bad now, I would not have missed one minute of your life Shane. Thank you for almost twenty years of
love and laughter and for all the memories.
Loved you then, love you now, love you always! Mom
Dec. 3, 1998
Happy 21st Birthday son!
I know you were looking forward to the day you turned 21, you would be legal *smile*. Fate didn't give you a chance to celebrate this day on earth my son. It hurt so bad searching the stores for a birthday gift for you, knowing it was going on your grave. When I found the figurine of the eagle withs it's wings curled around the two babies, I knew that it was meant for you. It reminded me of you with the twins in your arms. Now I know you have your Heaveny wings curled around them, surrounding them with your love.
We also lite a candle for you on your birthday like we do on all special days. Shane your candle will always burn brightly, not only in our homes, but also in our hearts.
Loved you then, love you now, love you always,
March 30, 1999
I am facing another Easter without you son. It is so hard because for so many Easter's I had you and I am so thankful for everyone of them, but I wanted more.
I think back over all the Easter's I had with you and the memories warm my heart. I remember your first Easter, you had little white overalls with a blue and white checked shirt. We went to the camp with Maw-Maw and Paw-Paw and everyone came there to see you and bring you Easter baskets, you got so many! There were stuffed animals and big chocolate rabbits all for a little guy with no teeth! I remember when you were little, I would have to take the candy eyes off your chocolate rabbit or you would freak out. I remember all the Easter egg hunts with you, the Easter mornings watching you dig through your basket to see what you had gotten and to find your favorite candies. Then as you got older, I remember how much fun you had playing Easter Bunny to your sisters. (I am so thankful you got to do that for them, because you never got the chance to do it for your own daughters). At about 11 you asked that I not get you chocolate rabbits anymore, you wanted the white chocolate ones. I have a hard time when I go into the stores and I see all your favorites, white chocolate rabbits, Cadbury eggs and Heavenly Hash eggs.
I went and put a goofy rabbit, plastic eggs and you favorite candies on your grave last week. I will have a white rabbit in your basket again this year and I will let Krista and Kristen eat it for you like I did last year. They were so cute eating it, they kept saying "Daddy's cannie".
Well Shane I am going to go now, but I want you to know not a day goes by that I don't think of you and miss you, it hurts son. Even though I can't see you, I know you are here with me. You live on in my heart and in my memories. Thank you for all the beautiful memories, each one is so special and a treasure to me.
Loved you then, Love you now, Love you always,
June 5, 1999
I signed the papers yesterday to sell your trailer. It was so hard son, it was letting go of another piece of you son. When we bought it, we had so many hopes and dreams and now they are gone and so are you.
I remember the day we went looking at trailers, it was me you and Dad, we had so much fun. We laughed at some and laughed at the fact we got out of a few of them with no broken bones! As soon as we walked into this one, you turned to me and said "this is the one I want!" You knew it the minute you walked in the door! And when I saw the look on your face, I knew somehow we were going to get it for you.
I still laugh when I think of the day they moved it. You made those poor guys move it so many times to get it in just the right spot. In your excitment, you didn't see the looks those guys were giving you, they were ready to knock you in the head! *smile* It was so nice having you and your little family so close. We had four beautiful months, then it was all over, the dream ended and our nightmare began.
So many people came to look at the trailer and wanted to buy it. Some I would tell it was already sold when it wasn't because it just did not feel right to have them living in your home. Then one day, this lady walked through the door, and it felt right! She is single and has a little boy and she loves your trailer son. When she told me she wanted to buy it, it was sad but I knew she was the one. (And your dad breathed a sigh of relief, he thought I was never going to let it go.) After I signed the papers, I gave her a little boy angel, she cried and told me anytime I wanted to visit, I was more than welcome. I cried the day they moved it out, as it went down the driveway and out onto the highway, I wanted to scream for them to bring it back. I could hear you saying "It's ok mom, I don't need it anymore."
We are going to make a picnic area where your trailer used to be, we are going to make it a happy place son. Last weekend we moved Krista and Kristen's playhouse there. Now they have their little "housh" where their big "housh" used to be and they love it.
I love you and I miss you so much Shane.
Loved you then, love you now, love you always,
Oct. 27, 1999,
Today marks two years that you have been gone. It doesn't seem like two years could have come and gone, where did the time go son? Sometimes it seems like yesterday and other times it seems like years. You know son, sometimes I still expect you to come through the door with that grin of yours, I wait and wait and it doesn't happen....
These two years have been so hard, so sad, so unfair...... I have met some wonderful friend who are helping me to survive, without them I don't know where I would be. They know and share my pain. Each one of these friendships I feel is a gift from you, I feel you are still looking out for me.
Today we are going to release balloons for you. We also bought an angel bench to put under your tree to mark your second anniversary in Heaven.
I wanted to write more, but the tears and the pain are just too much right now. I love you Shane!
Loved you then, Love you now, Love you always,