15 KEYS TO A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it. Psalm 127:1 Key 1 One of the foundations of a lasting marriage is to BE COMMITTED to each other and to making the marriage work. A generation or two ago, marriages were stable and divorce was not as widespread as it is today. We believe this was due to the commitment of people entering into the marriage relationship. Divorce should not be an option. There are situations, of course, where there is abuse and infidelity which cannot, and should not be tolerated. Not in every case, but in most cases, if discernment is used in Key 2, this type of abuse will not be found. Key 2 One of the most important keys to a successful marriage is to CHOOSE THE RIGHT MATE. 2 Corinthians 6:14-16 14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? 15 And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel? 16 And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? for ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Young people get caught up in the romance and the physical attraction, and they don't consider whether the object of their attraction will help or hinder them in their spiritual development. Of course, the foundation for choice should have been laid years before. Just because a person falls in "love", doesn't necessarily mean that person you "love" would make a good spouse. Hormones need to be governed by reason. God made us creatures of choice. In fact, our lives are a product of the choices we make. Galatians 6:7-8 7 Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. 8 For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting. Key 3 An admonition for young people. REMAIN SEXUALLY PURE UNTIL MARRIAGE. Your marriage will have a greater chance of success if you do. Young people today whoare taking a stand against pre-marital sex are to be applauded. Ephesians 5:3-5 3 But fornication, and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not be once named among you, as becometh saints; 4 Neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor jesting, which are not convenient: but rather giving of thanks. 5 For this ye know, that no whoremonger, nor unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, hath any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. True Loves Wait Here's some important information on who we are, our purpose, the True Love Waits commitment and how you can join this campaign. We've also provided you with helpful links to more information about us. True Love Waits True Love Waits Purpose True Love Waits is an international campaign designed to challenge students to remain sexually abstinent until marriage. Over a million students have pledged: "Believing that true love waits, I make a commitment to God, myself, my family, my friends, my future mate, and my future children to be sexually abstinent from this day until the day I enter a biblical marriage relationship." True Love Waits has a four-fold purpose 1. Guide students to make a commitment to sexual abstinence until marriage. 2. Allow students who have made a commitment to abstinence a chance to reaffirm that promise and challenge other students to do so. 3. Guide parents of students to make or reaffirm a commitment to biblical standards of sexual behavior and model a life committed to sexual purity. 4. Give adults a tangible way to affirm and encourage students making a commitment to sexual abstinence until marriage. The theme True Love Waits carries significant meaning. True love for God. Obeying God's commandments is a pure way to show your love for Him. True love for yourself. Your concern for yourself can allow you to choose to avoid that which leads to guilt, broken relationships, disease, and even death. True love for your family. Honoring and obeying your parents and siblings is a natural result of honoring God in your life. True love for friends. Sex before marriage always hurts people. You can choose not to hurt others through sexual misbehavior. True love for your future mate and future children. You can begin now loving the mate and children that God will give you. Something for Teens TRUE LOVE WAITS "Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, and in PURITY." I Timothy 4:12 I cannot express how strongly I feel about waiting until you're married to have sex. In the Bible, it clearly says that sex before marriage is wrong. God meant for sex to be an intimate experience between two MARRIED people. If you have sex before marriage, you've ruined how special it is for your future spouse and you. The following letter is one I found at Vital Signs Ministries. I DID NOT WRITE IT!!! I would strongly encourage any guys to read it because it expresses the feelings of many girls, not just the person who wrote it. Girls will benefit from reading the letter too. You will see that you are not the only one out there who feels this way. When I read this letter, I was truly "moved". These were my thoughts exactly!! Please sit back and read the letter now that I am done w/ my little "lecture." I am certain you will gain something from it. An Open Letter To My Future Husband Even though I don't know exactly who you'll be yet, I think of you often. I wonder how you're living your life now. It matters to me, you know, because how you live your life now determines the kind of man you're becoming . . . and the kind of man I'll spend the rest of my life with. Apparently, for some bizarre reason manhood doesn't come automatically for males. Some guys seem to spend their entire lives trying to "prove their manhood" by hunting, playing sports,driving fast . . . and, unfortunately, by having sex. It seems rather strange to us women that guys think having sex proves they're a man. To us, it just proves that they've reached puberty. And we don't really consider that, in itself, to be any great accomplishment. Becoming a man is a much more complicated process. The funny thing is, even in this day and age, most guys want to marry a girl who respects her sexuality. A guy doesn't like the idea of his future wife in the back seat with someone else, or of her being the subject of a sexual conquest story in the locker room. They'll brag about girls like that, but they won't marry them. They want to marry a girl, whether she's never "done it" or done it and regretted it, who recognizes that sex speaks the language of forever, committed love . . . someone like me. Why would I want to marry someone like that, someone who wants to marry a virgin but spends his dating years robbing other girls of their virginity so that he can prove his manhood? He's not a "real man" in my eyes---he's a selfish, immature boy driven by insecurity, not love---And I'm not interested. I want more from you. I want you to respect your sexuality as much as I respect mine. I want you to be a real, confident man, not a wimp who has to use women to feed his insecurity. A guy like that couldn't use all of those women and then suddenly love me. He may be "good" in bed, but he's no good at loving. I want you to learn to really love. Learning to love is learning to put the other first. A guy who messes around outside of marriage isn't putting the good of the other first. He's using a girl . . . speaking the "body language" of permanent commitment when the relationship isn't permanent. He's putting the girl at risk of pregnancy, and he's putting himself at risk for some nasty diseases . . . diseases he can then later give his wife. That's not making love. A real man loves women--- all women---and wants what's best for them. And he doesn't let his desires control his actions. He controls his desires instead. I want you to develop self control. That's important to me. I don't want to marry a man who can't control himself. Men like that make lousy husbands. A guy who isn't used to saying "no" to sex isn't going to be any better at it at 40 than he is at 18. I've seen women who worry every time their husbands hire an attractive secretary. I don't want that. What kind of marriage could I have with someone I couldn't even trust on a business trip? In the short run, I'm sure there aren't too many rewards for a guy living this way. Society tells you that you're missing out on your "sexual peak." Your silence during the locker room bragging sessions can seem deafening. You may have even heard from the girls you date that something must be "wrong" with you because you won't take them to bed. Deep down, you must know that having sex won't prove you're a man. It's just irritating that no one else seems to know it, isn't it? But somebody does know it. I know it, and in the end, I'm the only someone who matters. And no, I'm not as narrow-minded as those guys who say they'll only marry a virgin. Society isn't too supportive of virginity, especially male virginity. I can forgive mistakes in your past. But I'm interested in your future, starting now. When I meet you, I want you to be a man who has made a conscious decision to wait . . . out of love for our future family and commitment to our marriage. I want you to be a real man, who's developed the control, maturity and unselfishness that waiting brings. They may not be popular traits in the locker room, but they're popular with me. They'll make you a better husband, and a better father. To me, that's sexy. I've abstained from sex all of these years, and it hasn't been from the lack of offers. I've had plenty of opportunities, and saying "no" hasn't always been easy. I'm sure it's not always easy for you, either. But it will make our marriage so much stronger. Sex will be our gift to each other, our exclusive "language." It'll belong to us, not "us and everyone else we ever dated." Thanks for waiting for me. I promise you won't regret it. Key 4 Early in the marriage a couple needs to ACCEPT GOD'S PLAN FOR THE FAMILY Let Christ be the head of the family, And let the husband be the spiritual leader in the family. A loving husband will not be overbearing. Ephesians 5:22-23 22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Key 5 DON'T WITHHOLD LOVE AND AFFECTION or use it as a weapon to get your own way. God has given specific instructions about the physical relationship between husband and wife. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 3. Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. 4. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. Key 6 LISTEN TO ONE ANOTHER. Keep the lines of communication open. Few things can be more detrimental to a marriage than the refusal of one of the partners to discuss problems. Work it out together if you can, but don't hesitate to get outside help in the form of Christian counseling if it is required. Key 7 DON'T NEGLECT YOUR SPOUSE while you are raising your children. Long after the children have left home, you will need each other. A loving relationship must be built while the children are growing up. Key 8 Money can cause problems so COME TO AN AGREEMENT ABOUT THE HANDLING OF FINANCES. Sometimes this is a joint effort, but sometimes one partner is better equipped to handle the family finances. The other partner needs to defer to the one with this gift. Key 9 TAKE CARE OF YOUR HEALTH So that you can enjoy your relationship with one another for many years. 1 Corinthians 3:16 Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you? Key 10 GIVE EACH OTHER ROOM FOR INDIVIDUAL GROWTH and for personal likes and dislikes. One may be a sports fan, the other may not. Not all things have to be shared. Key 11 BE WILLING TO SAY, "I'M SORRY" when you are wrong. Truly mean it, and try to make improvements. Key 12 BE WILLING TO FORGIVE when you have been wronged by your spouse. Matthew 6:14-15 14. For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: 15. But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. Key 13 Make every effort to ARRANGE FOR THE WIFE AND MOTHER TO BE IN THE HOME during the years when the children are growing up A working mother with young children is actually holding down two full time jobs. She has little time nor energy left for her husband at the end of the day. Titus 2:4-5 4. That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, 5. To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. Key 14 As parents SUPPORT EACH OTHER IN THE DISCIPLINING OF THE CHILDREN. Failure to do so will cause the marriage and the children to suffer. Key 15 Hold your spouse in high esteem. MAKE POSITIVE REMARK ABOUT YOUR MATE TO FRIENDS AND FAMILY. If you and your spouse have celebrated 50 years of marriageor if you know of someone who has such a long-lasting marriage, let us know, so that we can give honor on a special page