I hope this makes you smile and brightens your day just a little. Make sure you book mark this page, so you can come back and smile for me again.This page will take a few minutes to load, but please be patient its well worth the wait. =O)
These are some of the things that make me happy.TOE RINGS,GOOD PARKING SPACES,ANKLET BRACELETS,A GREAT SALE,GREEN GUM,CLEAN SHEETS,AND BOXER SHORTS.
A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words. Work like you dont need the money. Love like you have never been hurt.And dance like noone is watching. What do firemen put in there soup? Firecrackers
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, WooooHoooo!, I'd have all my money back.
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say: That's dynamite, baby.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
"I believe you should live each day as if it is your last,which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, comeon, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?"
"For centuries, people thought the moon was made of greencheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really abig hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leaveit out."
"In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for theWonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?"
Why do hot dogs come in packages of 10 and hot dog buns come in packages of 8? IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping. STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you got. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day seven days a week then why are there locks on the doors.. He who laughs last, didn't get the joke.. Be careful, the toes that you step on today, might be attached to the ass you'll have to kiss tomorrow. If the world is getting smaller, Why do they keep raising the postal rates? Why do they sterilize a needle before lethal injection ?? If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with "Quit while you're ahead"?. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? . People who think they know everything are especially irritating to those of us who do.. "Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it tothe Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents." "Sometimes when I'm sitting in my car at a stop light, Iimagine myself as Luke Skywalker, and I close my eyes and concentrate on using The Force. Sometimes I have to concentrate longer than others, but I know it works, 'cause the light always turns green." Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe...and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on itand he'll have to touch it." Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon! I don't pretend to have all the answers, I don't even pretend to know all the questions.. Hey, where am I? Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff. If the Pillsbury dough boy ate a cookie, would it
be considered cannabalism?
Why do they have brail on drive-up ATM machines?
What's invisible and smells like carrots?
Bunny farts.
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.
What did the indian say when his horse came running over the hill?? Theres my horse!!!
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
