Damn filled up one whole page!! Let's go for number 2 now!!!

Damn...already filled a whole page.I guess I had more to say than I thought!Hehehehe.Oh well, its all good.Ok well todays lesson boys and girls is gonna be about sex.Everything you wanted to know but were afraid to ask!So feel free to take notes.(btw im not resonsible for anything you try at home)SEX. Thats a very powerfull word.It has many many meanings.But if done properly can be very enjoyable.To some sex is the ultmate act of love.And thats a great way to express how you feel about another person.But sometimes sex is just sex.To me personally I could never imagine myself having sex with a person that I don't have any feelings for what so ever.I mean there has to be some sort of bond between two people for them to be able to be so open with one another.You have to have a scense of trust there.Am I right? I mean could you just be able to sleep with someone you have no feelings for?(well some people can) Just think of it this way...just think of being with someone that doesn't accept you totally.Getting up with a hole in your underwear....would you want just anybody to see that? But someone that you were comfotable seeing that? If you were with someone that didn't know you they might think.....Ugggg look at that hole! But if you were with a person that cared they would think....Hehehe I see those holey drawers!That would make alot of difference ya know.And I've been thinking alot latey about sex outside a relaionship.Thats a very touchy subject for alot of people.Why is it when a female does that it makes her look bad?But when a male does it its like bonus points or something?Personally I think that if two adults enjoy each other, and certin things makes it impossible for a commitment that as long as both parties totally agree on the situation its fine.Why not enjoy it while you still can do it right?Wether its with a really great friend or a former lover.From my experince friends make the best lovers.Sounds kinda cliche I know.But hey it worked for me.Well I'm outta here. Untill next time.....*HUGS AND SMILES*

I've learned-
that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is be someone who can be loved.
The rest is up to them.
I've learned-
that no matter how much I care,
some people just don't care back.
I've learned-
that it takes years to build up trust,
and only seconds to destroy it.
I've learned-
that it's not what you have in your life
but who you have in your life that counts.
I've learned-
that you can get by on charm for about
fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better know something.
I've learned-
that you shouldn't compare
yourself to the best others can do.
I've learned-
that you can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.
I've learned-
that it's taking me a long time
to become the person I want to be.
I've learned-
that you should always leave loved ones
with loving words. It may be the last
time you see them.
I've learned-
that you can keep going
long after you can't.
I've learned-
that we are responsible for what we do,
no matter how we feel.
I've learned-
that either you control your attitude
or it controls you.
I've learned-
that regardless of how hot and steamy
a relationship is at first, the passion fades
and there had better be something else to take
its place.
I've learned-
that heroes are the people
who do what has to be done
when it needs to be done,
regardless of the consequences.
I've learned-
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I've learned-
that my best friend and I can do anything
or nothing and have the best time. I've learned-
that sometimes the people you expect
to kick you when you're down
will be the ones to help you get back up.
I've learned-
that sometimes when I'm angry
I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn't give me
the right to be cruel.
I've learned-
that true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.
I've learned-
that just because someone doesn't love
you the way you want them to doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they have.
I've learned-
that maturity has more to do with
what types of experiences you've had
and what you've learned from them
and less to do with how many
birthdays you've celebrated.
I've learned-
that you should never tell a child
their dreams are unlikely or outlandish.
Few things are more humiliating, and what
a tragedy it would be if they believed it.
I've learned-
that your family won't always be there for you.
It may seem funny, but people you aren't
related to can take care of you and love you
and teach you to trust people again. Families
aren't biological.
I've learned-
that no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you every once in a while
and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned-
that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by
others. Sometimes you are to learn to forgive
yourself.
I've learned-
that no matter how bad your heart is broken
the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I've learned-
that our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we
become.
I've learned-
that just because two people argue,
it doesn't mean they don't love each other
And just because they don't argue,
it doesn't mean they do.
I've learned-
that we don't have to change friends
if we understand that friends change.
I've learned-
that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a
secret. It could change your life forever.
I've learned-
that two people can look at the exact same thing
and see something totally different.
I've learned-
that no matter how you try to protect your
children, they will eventually get hurt and
you will hurt in the process.
I've learned-
that your life can be changed in a matter of
hours by people who don't even know you.
I've learned-
that even when you think you have no more
to give, when a friend cries out to you,
you will find the strength to help.
I've learned-
that credentials on the wall
do not make you a decent human being.
I've learned-
that the people you care about most in life
are taken from you too soon.
I've learned-
that it's hard to determine where to draw
the line between being nice and not hurting
people's feelings and standing up
for what you believe.

I didn't write that but it seems to say everything that I'm thinking. It's funny how you find stuff like that and you feel that you could have wrote that.I've had almost every one of those learning experences. It's good to know that someone eles out there has learned the same things. Either that or they have a spy living in your house.Hummmmm.....now thats a scarey thought.Heheheheh now that will give you something to think about! Well I have some online shopping to do.So I guess I'll get out of here for now. I acually have alot of babbling to do but I'll catch yall up on it later! UIntil next time *HUGS AND SMILES*

Ya know just when you think you know someone, they totally change on you.Someone that you think is the enemy, can turn out to be a pretty cool friend.I guess maybe I was just to hasty to judge.I've come to know a couple of people this week that threw me for a loop.One I really didn't know at all,but because of certin reasons didn't particulairly care for.I was very wrong.They turned out to be a very nice person.We have alot in common.And I'm looking forward to getting to know that person more.And the other one I thought I knew everything about.But come to find out there is so much more to him.And I kinda like that.It's interesting to hear someone eles dreams and to notice that alot of people share the same dreams.I found out that alot of people just want to be loved.And theres nothing wrong with that at all.I guess its just a real eye opener.Some people just put on this tuff front.And if you really care you should scratch the surface and see what eles is there, you just might be surprized.I know I was.So I guess you can say I've made some "new" friends this week.One that I didn't expect to be my friend and another that was always my friend, but is so much more than that.Well I'm outta here. Untill next time as always *HUGS AND SMILES*

Why do parents have to be so damn complating? I mean why can't they just be happy for you in what ever you do?That really pisses me off.I feel like I'm more than able to take care of my self!(damn i've been doing it for a while now)I think with Ashley graduating and stuff soon, she feels like im a huge dissapointment to her.God Ashley has already acomlished so much more than I ever did.Why can't she just accecpt that and stop making me feel worse than I already do? I feel like such a looser when I'm around her anymore.Shes always saying "why aren't you talking?" Well maybe it's because everything I say is wrong?!?!She doesn't nessasrly say that, but thats the way I honsetly feel.She should just be happy for who I am.And not want me to be anything or anybody that I'm not.I really don't think I'll ever change.10 years from now I'm still going to be the same hard headed person that I am now.I'll still think that what ever desion I make is the right one.And I still wont have anybody running my life for me.God her of all people should know that I'm gonna do whatever in the hell I want to. I took this quiz today and it was supposed to tell you what to get your mother for mothers day. It asked like 10 questions and then they figured out your score and gave you a list of things.The list told me that I needed to buy her a vacation.....a one way ticket!!Now ain't that funny!I think I'll just take her out to dinner like I always do.At least I know I have a week to prepare myself for that! Well I guess I've bitched enough about that. Untill next time *HUGS AND SMILES*

You know what I love? Shoes!If I was rich I would buy myself a new pair of shoes for every single day of the year!Let me loose in a shoe store and I'll go crazy!I think shoes are a real must for a great outfit.They can totally make you or break you.Me I love all kinds of shoes.Dress shoes,tennis shoes (why do they call them that?),sandels,flip flops.....you name them I love them! I personally don't think a person can have to many shoes.At last count I think I had 24 pairs of shoes.(not counting the two pair I bought today)I expecially love sandels.I love how they make your legs look.I have this really cute anklet that is silver and it has these little purple glitery flowers on it.Looks great with any kind of sandels.Makes you look kinda dressed up without even trying. Another favortie pair I have are these combat looking boots.They are midnight blue with a clear chunky glittery sole. They are so comfortable.Make you feel like you could kick some ass in them!The pair I wear all the time are just plain white leather keds.I wear them almost everyday.I love wearing them with no socks.And they look good with anything.(expecially my anklet)Well now that you know about my shoe addiction I'm outta here.*HUGS AND SMILES*

In 45 days it will be my birthday!WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO!!! I'm not really sure but I think I want to have a huge party!I haven't had a birthday party in like forever.I wanna turn the music up loud have lots of food, friends, and fun!I want to listen to brown eyed girl and shag.Get really loud and piss the neighbors off.Hell I'll even invite them!And I don't want the kinda party where everyone brings presents.Just bring yourself and be ready to have fun!My birthday is on the 16 witch is a wensday, I'm going on the 12 to get my tattoo.I can't wait.I'm so excited!Im gonna have my party on the 19 so by then it will be almost healed so I can show it off!I'm still looking for what I want.I either want an angel or a fairy.I dont want anything really big.Just small.I'm gonna get it over my left breast. So it's gonna be kinda intmate.I don't want everybody to see it all the time.As long as I know it's there thats all that matters. So that's gonna be my birthday present to myself.I just got to get used to the idea of the tattoo guy holding my boob!That's a whole 'nother babblings!!!So I'm inviting all of yall(god I hate that word)to my big birthday bash!!Hope to see you there!!!*HUGS AND SMILES*

I has just been brought to my attenion that songs take on a whole new meaning with out the music.They can talk to you and really reach into your soul.You can have a favorite song and know all the words and sing it but untill you read the lyrics you cant never fully get it.Don't get me wrong I totally respect the song as a whole.But I find that apart they take on different meanings completely.Have you ever "sang" to someone that you were chatting with?You really should.Then you will fully understand where I'm comming from.Probably not.....I guess we really do belong in a mental instution John!So the next time you tell yourself "I love this song".Write down the words and read them.You might just end up liking it even more!!!

Nothing is harder than expressing yourself. To really open up and leave yourself open to judgement by the people you truly care about takes more guts than most things you'll ever face in your life. To be able to say, "This is how I feel" and be totally comfortable with it is difficult. It's, "Here I am, this is me" and you can't take the words back or explain yourself. It's like being naked at the mall. You're out there for everyone to see. No taking it back. Being brave isn't always comfortable, but it's always right!

I didn't write that.A good friend of mine that I haven't talk to in a very long time.That's what he wrote in my guestbook.WOW is all I can say...that statement has had s huge impact on me for some reason.I never really thought about it in that way.I guess that really is what this is like.Being naked in the mall.I dont hold anything back when I'm here...to tell you the truth I often forget that I'm putting this up for the whole world to read.And it's only after I save them and go back and read them do I relize how really open I have been.This really does make me feel better. so I guess in the end thats all that really matters right?!?I think so anyways.Well I'm outta here! Untill next time *HUGS AND SMILES*

WOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOO I'm back!!!!!As most of you know I've been out of service for a while. =( Damn computer crashed! (again)Only this time I wasn't so lucky. I lost everything.I didn't relize all the shit I acually had on here untill I didn't have it anymore!I still don't know what happened! To tell you the truth I think it has something to do with all the damn people that use my 'puter.That really bugs the shit out of me.But I put a stop to that shit.I set it up this time with a pass word. And I'm not telling anyone!I'm sure that will piss them off! But oh well I hate when people used my stuff and don't ask me.I guess I'm just weird like that!

Well I did it.I got my tattoo lat night!It's awesome.It's an angel and she looks just like me.Her wings are blue and light purple.She has this ring of stars around her head.And blue eyes.It hurt like hell.I was so nervous all day yesterday.Then when I get there come to find out the guy has been knowing me scince I was like 4!He said "damn when your were little and being a brat I never thought 20 something years later I would be giving you a tattoo" It only took 30 minutes, so that wasnt too bad.Its gonna be like a week before its all healed though.But all in all it was so worth it!Well thats all for tonight.Untill next time *HUGS AND SMILES*

Ahhhhhhhhh....You know what feels good after a very long and tiring day? Clean sheets! I mean right from the dryer clean. Theres nothing more relaxing than a hot bath and going to bed in warm sheets. If I had the time I would wash and change my sheets everyday. For some reason you seem to sleep so soundly with fresh sheets.My favorite sheets are this crazy print. They are white with these black sqizzly lines everywhere, and like grey splotches all over.I wish I had more than two pillow cases to match. Cause I have like 5 pillows on my bed. Oh well I guess the white ones kinda match. Okay enough about the sheets!!! Later =O)

I went to see a movie the other night.Acually it's the second one this week.Monday me and Jennifer went and saw Never Been Kissed with Drew Barrymore.It wqas so good.Even though she got on my nerves playing such a huge dork!But other than that is was a great love story. And every who knows me knows that I'm a hopless romantic. So of course I'm gonna love a movie like that..expecially when the underdog wins in the end!(don't they always?)Last wensday me and my friend Tony went to see that movie Life. The one with Eddie Murphy and Martin Larwence. It was pretty good. Not as funny as I expected but a great story about friends. It was pretty cool watching it with pretty much my best friend. We laughed at parts of the movie that really wasn't funny..but because we've been there and done that!! It was kinda strange though, we were the only two people in the whole theater.Well thats about all for now! Untill next time *HUGS AND SMILES*

Work like you dont need money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobodys watching.
Just think if you could really do that. How much happier and easier things would be.Not second guess yourself all the time. Just jump in with both feet and don't look back.Thats so much easier said than done. Me of all people talking about second guessing yourself.I think I do that more than the average person.I mean I know what I want and 90% of the time it's a wonderfull feeling. But theres always that other 10% of the time when I'm going.....WTF are you thinking? And for some reason that 10% has more controll over me than the 90%. Now tell me that ain't fucked up. I always worry about the stupidist shit.If I thold you some of the stuff I worried about you would think I was nuts. (hey keep your comments to yourself back there =O)) I wish I knew why controll was such a big thing for me. I mean its not nessicarly a bad thing, but I like it when I'm in controll of myself. Like I'm making the rules. I'm not sure how to put it. But it's like I don't know driving a car.You are in totall control right? You decided how fast you wanna go and where you wanna stop. Thats what I like about my life.I'm somewhat in controll. But then theres always a chance of an accident.And you know how many people don't have any insurance.Ya get it? Probably not...I get so I guess thats all that matters. Well i should probably get going.Untill next time *HUGS AND SMILES*

I went to New orleans with a friend of mine yesterday. He had this meeting or something for school. While he was there I went shopping (what eles is new?). I bought me a new outift. And then went and ate lunch. It was strange eating lunch by myslef in a differernt city.I had to pick him up at 4. We decided to go to Burbon Street. We had some much fun. Theres this bar called Cats Meow. Its this huge kareoke type bar. The really cool thing is while your singing all of Burbon Street can watch you. Tony tried to get me to get up there. Yeah right!! We stayed there for a few hours just dancing and singing along with the whole place. It's funny how you loose all you inhabitions when your down there.You find yourself talking and hanging out with people you normally wouldn't. After we left there we went to this really cool restruant and ate. Then we hung out some more. We went into this like strip club I guess thats what it was. Me and this girl that I meet at the other place. Were in there laughing the whole time. It was sad cause all the strippers were so ugly! After that I was pretty tired and wanted to go home. So on the walk back to the car.(witch btw was about 3 miles away).We walked through Jackson Square. It's really freaky there at night, the have all of these tarrot card readers there, sitting with there candels and stuff lit. By the car these guys were doing spray paint art. I had never seen anything so cool.They were making these amazing painting with nothing more than poster board,lids form pots and spray paint. I bought one. I couldnt help it.....he painted it while I was watching him. I got to pick out the colors.(green of course).I'm gonna see if I can get a Pitcure taken of it and I'll put it up here so everyone can see what I'm talking about.Well I better get out of here for now. Untill next time *HUGS AND SMILES*

I've always been told that there is a soul mate for everyone. You just have to look for him/her. And it is possible to miss them if you are not complety honest with yourself. I've been taught to take chances and exploire all opitions. Only then can you be sure that you have your best intrest at heart. I'm not saying it will be an easy tast, but it will be a very powerfull learning experience. You will learn alot about many people including yourself. You can grow from it. And then and only then will you be able to say that you think you are ready to take the next step. There has been a couple of times where I have felt that I was ready for that next step only to fall backwards.Falling is the hardest part. But you have to pick your self up and move on. Heal your wounds and start over. Well I think I'm at that step again. I'm scared to death....I don't want to fall again. But I know even when you want something so bad it still can end up in dissaster. I'm not saying thats whats gonna happen this time, but theres always that chance. I don't think I have ever wanted anything so bad in my whole entire life. I would give anything for just one instant. It's all I think about. I'm gonna make it happen......and hopefully with a little luck, I'll find what I've been looking for. I'll be sure to keep everyone informed. Stay tuned. *HUGS AND SMILES*

There are so many things that make me happy. It's really funny things too. I mean the normal good things make me happy but some not so normal things do too. Okay here a a few not so normal things. I love the preveiws when you see a movie. I excpecially like them when your watching a rented video. Most people hate them and fast-forward them but not me. I really love seeing a preveiw for a movie that I have already seen. It makes you want to see the movie again.Okay another thing that makes me happy is reading the last chapter of a book before you start to read it. By the time you get to the end you always forget about it but its like you had a feeling the whole time. Kinda like you cheated but not really. Another thing that makes me happy is watching a person look at greeting cards. I love to watch the expression on there faces.(and in turn I'm sure I'm a blast when I'm doing this too.)Its fun to wonder who they are thinking about when reading them.Like a far away love that they are trying to find the perfect card for.And when they find it they hold it close to them, almost protecting it.Like they would the person they are buying it for.I know I'm weird but it's true the next time you buy a card watch the person next to you, you will see what I'm saying. Another thing I love is coffee ice cream and bubble baths. Either by them selves or together. Theres just something about Mr. Bubble that totally relaxes me. I can just lay there and loose myself in my thoughts. Well I guess that sounds like a really good idea right now. Untill next time......*HUGS AND SMILES*

Well remeber that step? Well what do ya know I didnt make it! Isn't that a surprize!! I mean was there really any doubt that I would? Hell yeah.....theres always doubt when it comes to me. Oh well just another one of those fucking learning experences. What can I say? I think next time I'll just take the fuckin elevator. My luck the damn thing will get stuck in between floors! Poor poor Vivvy. Oh well fuck it. Thats what life is all about picking up and brushing your self off and moving on. Im getting really good at that. Hehehe.....like I have a dust buster in my back pocket! I should make that my proffession. Hell yeah and get 79.99 an hour. Cause I'm that good. Shit I could write a book!! The trails and trival pursuits of Vivan Lee. I bet I could out sell Danniell Steel!! Yeah then I would be rich! I could buy lots of shoes! Mmmmmmmmmmmmm.......shoes!! The first pair I would buy would be ass kickin shoes.Hehehe but you know me I don't need any shoes for that!!Well I'm gonna go. See ya around!!!

Well tomarrow is the big night. My little sis is graduating. Hummmmmmm.......I wonder how I feel about that? I mean i feel great that she has done it, shit shes done more than me.So shes doing pretty damn good. I don't think shes going to Denver, I'm happy but I can't help but to feel a little guilty. I mean she was all for it untill she found out that I was really bumbed about it. I feel selfish sometimes.I wasn't thinking about her, I was thinking about myself. How I would feel if she was gone.....not how she would feel if she stayed. God thats so mean of me!! So now I feel if I tell her I want her to go, she will think that I feel different about her or something. Why do I have this bad habbit about anilizing the stupidiest shit? I mean I think about the strangest shit.Oh well I guess thats what makes ME ME!! God I love being me! Who eles can go through so much shit and still smile? There I go getting off the subject. It urks me when I do that.Well I guess I'm gonna mosey on over to the quotes page and work on that for a while. I love doing this shit (like you couldnt tell)Hehehehehe.....*HUGS AND SMILES*

Well that was a weekend from hell. I know I'm a little behind on my babblings but this is the first chance I have gotten to sit down and think for a while. Graduation was as bad as I expected it to be. After all Ashley is God and Vivan is a Looser.At least I didnt have to face it alone like I had thought I was gonna have too. Tony cancelled his plans for that night just so he could go with me. That was really nice of him. The only good thing that happened all weekend to be exact. Oh well I survived.So shes all graduated now. I think she has decided to go to Denver. I just found that out a couple of days ago. I'm keeping my comments to myself this time. I don't want to make her change her mind again. Well I'm done with that subject. Later!

Why do they call hamburger meat "ham"buger? It doesnt have any ham in it? I mean think about it. Its beef. Why not call it beefburger? That would make more scince. Don't ask me where that came from. It was just something that popped into my head.Well me and AShley were supposed to go see a movie the other night but we didnt make it. We ended up just hanging out. First we went to Barns and Noble and stayed there untill they kicked us out(because they were closing not because we were being bad =P)I love that place. I love books period. They could probably lock me up in there for the night and I would be perfectly happy.It's better than a libary if you ask me (yeah i know you didnt ask) I bought a couple of things there.....lets see I bought this computer mag....it's from the UK and its kinda cool. Its funny how different they rate sites and stuff over there. And I bought this jornal thing. It's kinda just like a notebook but its fancey.(didnt think they had fancey notebooks huh?) I'm not sure what I'm gonna write in it but I'm keeping it by my bed,just incase I think of something. After the book store we went to Wal-mart. We just acted crazy there for a few hours. Ashley put this headache eye mask on and rode around in the little golf cart thing. We tryed on all the make-up samples and smelled all of the perfume. Hehehe, it was fun. I ended up buying me a new game there. Oh and some really cool nail polish. When we got in the parking lot we took turns pushing each other around in the shopping carts.I know most of you are thinking how dumb. (and I know witch ones are thinking that too....you. no not you, you over there. yeah thats you)It was nice to forget about things for a while and just chill. Well I guess thats about all for today. Hope this fills most of you in for a while. See you next time. *HUGS AND SMILES*

Well today was strange to say the least. It started with me going to work. (and of course I was late. What eles is new)When I got there, everything was going really good. Until me and Tony got in a heated dussion about me going on vacation.Hes been telling me that he didn't want me to go for the past few weeks now. Well I told him that I was going anyways and he blurted out something that sent my world spinning. I over reacted and told him that I hated him. I really don't but I felt he was being selfish.And I left work without saying anything. Hes been paging me all night but I havent called him back. Just when you know where you are BAM something happens. I'm not sure whats gonna happen now...I guess I'll have to just wait. (dammitt I hate waiting)Well I guess I need to carry my ass to bed now it's almost 6 am. Untill next time *HUGS AND SMILES*

Well i know feel like an ass about that last entry.I can't beleive I said such a horrible thing. Tony was in an accident tuesday night.He has been in ICU for two days now. They are not really sure what happened, but they think he fell asleep at the wheel. He hit a guard rail and went though the windsheild. He has 4 broken ribs and a puntured lung.They did an ultra scan today and they think something is wrong with his badder, they are gonna do sugrey tomarrow.I just keep thinking about all the things I said to him that I didnt mean. I keep thinking if something happened to him how I would never be able to forgive myself. He is my best friend, even though we have been arguing alot lately that will never change. I know the recovery is gonna be hard for him....hes so macho about everything. I guess maybe thats why we get along so good....we are both so damn hard headed.Well I guess thats enough for one night, I've only had about 6 hours sleep in the past 3 days, and I'm tired as hell. But I know I wont sleep. I'll keep everyone posted.

Wow..you learn something new everyday. I know I've said that before but it still surprizes me when that happens. Do you have a friend that for some reason you feel connected to in a strange way? I mean you think you know everything about this person but, then something happens and you see a whole different side of him/her. And it doesnt totally surprize you, beacuse deep down you think you've had that feeling yourself. I mean its strange how people can dance around certin subjects, but still have a stong scence of whats going on. But when it comes out in whatever way that it does, it shocks the shit out of you. You are not really sure how to percevie it. You know that its not a bad thing, but you cant be totally sure its a good thing either. So if you're me you find your self thinking about it very carefully. And also if you're me you still wont be sure exactly what to think. So you take a deep breath and clear you're head and take it one step at a time. You contunie the way you have before but you are more aware of whats going on around you. And take mental note along the way. Well phew i feel a little better. See ya around! *HUGS AND SMILES*

Do you ever feel that certin things happen for a reason? I mean you know like when you hope really hard to win the lottery, and you dont do you ever think there is a reason for that? I mean maybe you aren't really ready to handle fame a foutune. I know your thinking "yeah right! give me a chance and I'll prove that to be wrong". But there has to be something that keeps you one step away from you ultmaite dream right? If it was as simple as just wanting something really bad......alot of us would be in really bad shape. Asking for things that we know we really don't want or need forever. Its just kinda like a spur of the moment thing. I don't know like seeing something on TV and saying I wish I had that. Well if one day you write down everything you say "I wish.........(fill in your wish here)". You will see that most of us ask for really trivial things. And most of the time its a "for the moment" thing any way. What what you do with it after the moment was over? You would have all of these things to complacte your life even more. So I guess what I'm trying to say (witch I know its gonna sound chiche) Is be carefull what you wish for. You just might get it. Then what would you do?

Well I went for a job interveiw today. I think I got the job. So thats really good. Its at this store called Catos. Its kinda a cross between spencers and a clothing store. I think I made a really good impression on the lady. She was really nice. She kept saying "I like you. I like the way you look. I like the way you dress. I like the way you act." I was like cool!! So I had to do all the pre-hire stuff. Like filling out paper work and stuff. They were in the middle of doing intatory so she was kinda busy. I think I'm gonna like it there. I cant wait to get my empolie discount. WOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO. I seen this really cool outfit there that I wanted. Another cool thing is we can wear shorts to work. I'm gonna like that alot too. Well I guess thats enough for now. I'm fixing to call a friend and wish him Contragts. He graduated today. Way to go Spook!!!!! *HUGS AND SMILES*

Wow! Its been like forever huh? Man so much to catch up on I'm not sure where to start. WEll first of all I did get the job!!! YESSSSSSSSSSSS!I started monday. And guess what?!?! I'm in charge of the shoe department!! Can you beleive it? I'm in such heaven! I've already bought 3 new pairs. What?!?! You can't tell me that surprizes you! Hehehehe. BUt seriously I really like it there. My boss is the nicest lady you would ever want to meet. Shes so laid back you cant help but want to do your work and keep her happy. Well I'm sure you will be hearing more about my job later. So for now I'm finished.

Well Tony got out of the hospitial yesterday. He was very happy to be home. Hes doing alot better now. Its still gonna be a while before hes 100% better but hes gonna make it. Hes already back to his menacing slef already. I'm glad he didnt loose his scence of humor while he was there. I stayed the night over there last night. To make sure he didnt need anything. It was actually a very peacefull night. He was sleeping by 10 so I had a nice quit evening to myself. But one thing is for certin my couch is sooooo much more comfortable than his!!!

Today is my birthday!!! Woooooohooooooo!! Actually I had an alright day. I got alot of nice things. My friend Monty that lives in Tenn sent me this cute music box and a funny card. My sister took me out to eat. My mom gave me this nice bath set with bubble bath and soap and stuff. Tony gave me a necklace with my name on it and an angel. Then today he gave me a huge bouquet of flowers and ballons. Mike from next door gave me a white rose. And Ben sent me a CD I've been wanting. Everclear's Sparkle and Fade. And he also sent me some red roses. They are really pretty. I was shocked! It was a total surprize. And my friend Chase gave me something special. It was lightning. And it was very very very nice!! Hehehehe. So all in all it was a pretty good day.Well I can't hardley keep my eyes open anylonger. I'm off to bed! *HUGS AND SMILES* OH BTW I KNOW THESE LAST FEW BABBLINGS ARE THE SAME COLOR IM TOO DAMN TIRED TO MESS WITH IT RIGHT NOW.

Well its been a while since i just babbled for now aparent reason. So I guess today is gonna be that day. I feel really good today. For the first time in a long time I think I'm happy for a moment. I got a new job and I like it. I find myself enjoying things more than I have in the past. Really trivial things too. Like last night I went for a ride. I had all the windows down and the radio up really loud and I was just enjoying being me. I didnt think about anything particulair just drove around for a while. Im funny like that, I like to be alone and just by myself for a while. I've been paying attencion to songs on the radio alot more lately. They really have some good ones out there. I think my favorite one right now is If you had my love by Jennifer Lopez. I really like it alot. Its really ironic I seen the video for it the other day and its about an internet realationship. I didnt know that. I was told I shouldnt watch shit like that! It was all about this girl that fell in love with this guy and then found out everything he ever told her was a lie. Now theres a scarey thought. I guess you just never know. Well I'm not really sure what eles to babble about. I mean I have a million things on my mind but I really think the aduence for this has gotten really big. Oh well fuck it its my page anyway. I'm starting to have mixed feelings about at really close friend of mine. Mixed feelings as in I think this person is great, and I'm not sure what eles I feel. I think if things were any different than what they are now it would be alot easier. I think this person is awesome. Someone that listens to me, and lets me go on and on even when its about the same shit over and over. I just really noticed this person a few weeks ago. I mean we have been friends for a while, but just recently have things taken a strange turn. Oh well I guess what they say is true friends come in many forms.....you just have to wade through the crap to find a good one. I think I have. Well boys and girls I think I have went on long enough....and for those of you in the back who have fallen asleep WAKE UP AND GET OFF OF MY PAGE!!!!!!!! *HUGS AND SMILES*

I'm kinda worried about my little sister. Scince she has gradutated shes gone bezerk. I know that thats what being 18 is all about but, I'm her sister dammitt I can worry if I want to. I think what really bothers me the most is that I can see myself in her all over. I was so head strong when I was her age. (ok so I never grew out of that) Shes doing stuff that a few months ago she would haven never even thought twice about. And my mom, just like she was when I was her age, is in total denial. Ashley couldnt and wouldnt do anything like that. That goes back to the Ashley is god theroy. Man that bugs me. Last night she called and asked me to go pick her up. She was drunk and she said she "didnt feel like she was in control". God how many times have I felt the same way? Thats what scares me. I was just like that and look at me now. I dont want that for her. I want so much more for her than what I have. But I tried to talk to her about it and she told me I "was just jelous". That is so not it. I mean i could be having meanless sex too if I wanted. And I also could be drinking myself into blind stupor every single night too. Maybe I am being too parinoid. But I just think that if I would have had some one worry about me back then things would have turned out different. Maybe maybe not. Well I guess I'll just keep it to myself next time.

Well today is fathers day. This day always makes me sad. I miss my dad so much. He was about the only person on this planet that ever came close to understanding me. I could tell him anything and he never once passed judgement on me. Even when I failed (like I have so many times) he was always supportive. I think dads are a very special part of everyones life. You may not relize this until its way to late.(like me) And if that happens you find yourself feeling really guilty about everything you ever done, all in one day. You find yourself wanting to say things like "I love you daddy" and "I'm really sorry for everything". What I wouldn't do for just 5 more minutes. I think I could make things right in 5 minutes. If not right I could say so much. Too bad we can't go back in time. There would be so many things I would do differently. Well no use in harping on it...nothings ever gonna change.

Tonight was amazing.....I did something that I haven't done in a long time. I took a blanket and went a layed under the stars. Its funny how when you look up you feel so unimportant. Like you are a nothing in something so big. Being out there like that cleared my head. I wrote some really powerfull stuff while I was out there. Things just came to me....like never before. It was kinda scarey at first. It was like someone was telling me what to write. After I wrote I just layed on my back and looked up and tryied counting the stars...I wondered if that special someone was looking and seeing the same thing I was seeing. That gave me another calm all in its self. One day we will be lying side by side looking at those stars together. I know we will. So just hang in there baby...it wont be long. And then we can count them together.Untill next time *HUGS AND SMILES*

Hey! How is everyone today? I'm doing pretty good I guess. I would be alot better if I could learn to sleep like a normal person. For some reason I cant sleep at night and I usually find myself doing something outragious just to keep myself awake. Then when I finally do sleep my body has this built in alarm clock that wont let me sleep past 7 AM. Now thats really fucked up don't ya think? I think it has to do something with my dreams. I got to the point to where I hate dreaming anymore. I know that sounds messed up, but its true. The way I look at dreams are just a way of telling yourself that what you want and what you get are two totally different things. You usually dream about stuff that you long for. Stuff that you tell yourself that you need. Stuff you want. And usually its stuff that you are never gonna get. Its kinda like a tease. Allthough they may seem very real at the time you are having them. You eventually have to wake up and relize that it was all just an iluosion. A crule joke that your mind insistes on playing on you time and time again. And frankly its starting to piss me off really bad. So maybe thats why I have really strange sleeping patterns. I cant even remember when I have ever had normal sleeping patterns. But I think I have different reasons now. A long time ago it used to be that I just hated to stop long enough to sleep. Hummm.....those were the days huh! Well I guess I'm done for a while. I need to get ready for work. Untill next time *HUGS AND SMILES*

It's raining out....I love it when it rains. It seems to calm everything. Slows everyone down. I think thats what everyone needs, to slow down a little. Enjoy yourself while you still can. Take time for yourself, and quit worring about trivial things for a while. Stop and just watch the rain. I love walking in the rain. I love the way it feels when in runs down my back. I love walking in water puddles. Makes you feel like you're a kid again. In a strange way it kinda washes away your worries. Like nothing matters at that second but being there in the rain. Something mystical about it all. I would love to make love in the rain. That would be so awesome. Two bodies melding into one. Crashing together like thunder. Lighting the sky like lightning. Being as one in natures most natual suroundings. I think I'll add that to my 'To Do List'. For some reason that list keeps getting longer and longer. I only hope I can acoplish some of those things before my time is up. I think sometimes I push myself to hard. But what does it matter anyways right? Well it's still raining I think I'll go take a walk. Untill the storm ends. *HUGS AND SMILES*

Today is the day that everything has changed. Aquantinces became friends. Friends became more than friends. And enemies became more clearer. Its strange how realationships evolve without any warning. One day you think you know whats going on around you and the next day everything has changed. People you have never given a second thought too become open and trusting. And friends you have always been trusting and open with become an intamte part of your life. Poeple dont relize how presious friends are. A true friend is really hard to come by. I have found myself really blessed in that department in the last few months. I have made some friends that I know will last a life time. Im not gonna sit here naming names, but I think most of you know who you are. You have touched my life in a way I never knew possible. You have helped me grow when I thought that was impossible for me to do. I have learned so much about myself, with the help of you all. And I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you. I'm not really good at mushy crap like this so just bare with me ok? I just need most of you to know that I truely and honestly beleive that things do happen for a reason. Granted you ain't gonna understand it when it does, but eventually things have a funny way of working out. Untill next time *HUGS AND SMILES*

There are some people that you love and let go. And there are some people that you know that you will love for the rest of your life. Its a kinda of love that makes you feel alive. The kind that is always there even when you feel like you are so lost and will never find your way out again. I have found that kind of love. And for most you, you know it is with Ben. The love I have shared with him with him will never be able to be replaced. Even though we both know that us being together will never happen, I think we are pretty okay with that now. I know now that we both can move on and find exactly what we have been looking for all along with no regrets. I have no regrets at all. I will never have a time when I will look back and wish I would have or wouldnt have done something. So in a strange way I guess things have found an end. And its not that sad. We both have grown from what we have shared. He has helped me more than any person on this planet has. And I will be forever gratefull to him for that. So I'm letting him go for now. Who knows maybe one day in another life our souls will meet again. If not, I'm perfectly happy with him being my best friend. I know that I will always have some one to turn too when I think I can't go on. And that means more to me than anything in this world. So untill next time *HUGS AND SMILES*

Well its been a long long time....so much has happened in the past few weeks it aint even funny. Well for starters I found out that my sister is fixing to leave to go to Denver very soon. She has been offered a great job working at a radio station. I know I should be happy for her, and I am. But I can't help to be upset about it. I really don't want her to go. We have gotten so close these past few months and I hate the thought of loosing her now. Why is it that I'm always the one being left behind? I hate that feeling. But I also know that this is what life is all about. Trying to make things better for yourself. So I'm gonna put a smile on my face (even though its gonna be fake) and support her in what ever desion that she makes.

Another thing that has happened is I think I lost someone that is extremely important to me. And the really horrible part is it's my fault. I cant beleive how stupid I have been. I have kept something from this person that was...is very important. I really have no logical explanation for this other than the fact that I was dumb. And I will never be able to apoligize enough for it. I know it was wrong but I couldnt bring myself to tell them. So if you are reading this.....I'm so very sorry. I never meant to hurt you, and I hope one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me. If you can't I will understand. Well I think thats enough for now. I feel sick to my stomach and I think I'm gonna try for a nap.

Well talk about a horrible weekend. I wreaked my car Sunday. =( Some idiot pulled out in front of me and i swearved to miss him and I took out 4 signs on the side of the road. Then the asshole took off! Didn't even stop to see if I was ok. My car is messed up pretty bad. It took off all the crome on the passengers side. Broke my mirror off. And crushed the door in so I can't open it. Well I can but it sounds like I'm opening a can of sardines. I went to the hospital cause my back was hurting and I found out I have a bruised tailbone. Ouch! I'm supposed to be on bed rest for 72 hours and out of work for the next week. Yeah right like either one of those are gonna happen. So then I call the insurance company to tell them about it and they said because the other car took off theres nothing they can do! WTF?!?! I'm so pissed about that. I have no clue how I'm gonna get my car fixed now. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Oh well shit happens I guess.

Last night me,Jennifer and my sister went to see that movie Amercian Pie. I have never laughed so hard in my life. It was so funny. It was a sold out show so there was so many people there. This guy sat next to me with his girlfriend and I was talking to him the whole time before the movie. When they came and sat down I asked him if he brought the snow-caps.(its a old movie joke)He said he was gonna wait until a cusial part of the movie and get up and go get them, we laughed and dropped the subject. (his g/f was getting pissed cause him and I were cutting up)So I took the hint and quit talking to him. Well after the movie we were walking out and I feel someone tapping me on the shoulder and it was that guy!!! He handed me a box of snow caps! I said "awwwww......thank you" and i turned it over and it had his phone number written on the box!! Ok I know that sounds cheesy but damn it was good. HEHEHEHE.So then I decided to take my lil sister to her first bar. We didnt get there until like 20 minutes to 1. Just like I promised her they didnt card her. So I taught her how to play pool.Well tried to at least. It was fun. Jennifer plays pretty good pool. But the game we played agaisnt each other I beat her!! YESSSSSSSSSSSS!! Then they kicked us out cause it was like 2:15.Well I think I've written enough. Sorry it's taken me so long to update everyone. Ive had a hell of a week. Until next time. *HUGS AND SMILES*

Spanking the monkey, Slapping the salamie, Whipping the noodle.Beating your meat, Milking your cow,Chocking the chicken,Flogging your log,Jacking off,Sinning........it all means the same. Masterbating. It's funny how we give something as personal or not as personal depending on who you are a funny phrase or saying. And I also find it amusing how many people deny doing it. Why hide it? I mean I'm sure there are some people out there who acutally havent tried it. But why not? Whats it hurt? If you can't please yourself how can you expect to please someone eles right? I mean think about it. How do you know what feels good and where if you havent already exploired yourself?(by yourself i'm meaning for yourself) So to me its like a learning expereince. Kinda like trying to figure out witch butoons to push (no pun intened). And who cares who all knows about it. Set a trend.....be a leader. Teach someone a new trick. Just don't be afraid and don't let people tell you whats right and whats wrong.Cause if it feels good it can't be that wrong.......right? Just something for you to think about. Hehehehe.........Untill next time *HUGS AND SMILES* Oh BTW It's sex night on HBO tonight. Check it out you might learn a trick or two!! =)~

You know what really bothers me? Making important decsions. I personally suck at doing that. Usually you have a 50/50 chance of making the right one. (or the better one) And for some reason my track record aint too pretty. I have had to make a few huge dicsions these past few weeks. And I'm not really sure I did the right thing. I'm not positive there were wrong or the less better one, but deep down I have a gut feeling ya know? Kinda like dred or something. Where you are fine when you are not thinking about it, but when you do think about it you feel sick to your stomach. They say only time will tell or some bull shit like that, but personally I think that once you've done it you know automaticly. And 9 times out of 10 theres no turning back. No re-do's. No try-agains. Just plain ole bad choices. So I guess this is where I'm supoosed to say you learn from your mistakes.......but what about us that never learn? What does that say about us? IE: ME? I guess you just cross your fingers and hope for the best. NOTE: THAT CROSSING YOUR FINGERS SHIT HAS NEVER WORKED FOR ME. Damn I hate when I get like this.Anilaizing every little thing all the way down to what I ate for breakfast. Blah!! Well I'm gonna go for now. Keep it real until next time.

Seems like the more things change the more they stay the same. I have to be the most hard headed person in the world. For some reason no matter how hard I try I can't let my guard down. And I refuse to let anything good happen to me. This is really becoming a huge problem for me. It's not that I dont want them to happen, I guess I'm just scared. But for the life of me I can't figure out what I'm scared of. I have been through so much shit I guess that it's hard to beleive anything positive can happen. Now tell me that ain't fucked up eh? I guess I'm just at that place in my life where I'm ready for some sort of even ground. No ups. No downs. Just smooth sailing. I know that might be alot to ask, but dammit I feel that I deserve it. I just feel so restless. I want so much, but I havent figured out a way to get any of it yet. Someone asked me today where do I see myself in 6 hours......6 months........6 years. And you know I didn't have a clue!!! Even the 6 hour one stumped me. I think its time for me to make a game plan. I just need to figure out where to start. And on that note I'm outta here. Until next time. *HUGS AND SMILES*