Listen to Vivan ramble her ass off here!!!

Well here it is my first rambbling....as most of you know i quit my job Saturday night. I'm not too sure how i feel about that.(great time to wonder that huh?)I've been thinking about taking some computer courses. That way i can figure shit like this out without having to ask for help.I feel really stupid when i can't figure something out. I know that its supposed to take a while to learn shit but i want to know now!!(thats just the way I am.)

Well yesterday was Easter.WOOOOOHOOOOOO I think that damn bunny forgot where I lived!!The highlight of my day was doing laundry. Although I did see a good friend of mines dad yesterday.It was kinda weird though,finding out where everyone is at.Seems like I'm the only one that is still unchanged.I'm not sure if thats a good thing or not.The last time I saw all of them was 5 years ago at Mikes funeral.And before that was god I can't even remember when.We all used to be so close.We acully beleived that no one would ever change or move on.And the really weird part is every ones married!!All but one have kids.It totally blows my mind!(and everyone thought I would be the first!!)I guess i fooled them huh?

I guess thats about all I have to say for the moment.I'm sure I'll think of some more usless shit to say very soon.

Well here it is 3:07 am and I'm still working on this damn page.I think I'm getting it for the most part.I've put up alot of stuff tonight.It makes me feel good that I'm figuring this shit out.Although I've had alot of help from Jacob.He's really good at helping me and not getting mad 'cause I ask him stupid questions.

I'm really enjoying my time off from work.I've had alot of time to think about what I'm gonna do next.I still haven't came up with an answer but......Oh well fuck it.I just found out that my sister is going to Denver after graduation.I don't want her to go.Maybe I'm being selfish.But I don't care.We have gotten really close these last few months and I'm gonna be lost without her.She says shes not staying long but I really don't belive that.There are alot of oppertuntys(sp?)for her there.I guess I could just be happy that shes gonna try and make something of herself.I really hope she finds all of her dreams.She deserves it!! I'm looking forward to her graduation for a couple of reasons.....all of my family are comming down.Everyone is so proud of her.....I'm kinda jelous.They never showed me that they cared this much for me.Well it's getting really late now so I better get my ass to bed.I'll probably be pissed at myself for writing this tomarrow.Stay tuned I'm sure something exciting will happen to me sooner or later.

Well I learned something today.....it would probably take $190 bucks to make me happy.I know that seems like a small price to pay for happiness. But this is the thing....would I be the only one happy?I mean if I took that money and did something eles with it how many other people could I make happy?Or does that even matter.Ive had one hell of a day today.Talk about emotional overload.I havent thought this much in months.Have you ever felt like everything was in place for once in your life and then something comes along and fuckes that all up.I mean its not nessararly a bad thing....just something unexpected.It makes you fell like....ha and you thought things were gonna be simple!! Next time you will know better.Ya know?Probably not.....and the really funny thing is I dont know either.I have probably been asked 100 questions these last few days and for probably 95 of them my answer has been I dont know?Now thats really fucked up.So maybe i should just take that $190 bucks and give it a try.........if things didnt turn out the way i want them to I can always chalk it up to a 'learning experince'.Now that would really suck.Seems like ive had many'learning experinces' latley..the only thing is I dont think Im learning a damn thing.Well I guess thats enough for now. Im not sure if this whole random babblings thing was such a good idea.Lord knows I can babble.

Well today is Sunday.I went to the concert last night.Well acually yesterday.I had a blast.There was like this out door festable going on.Hehehe....i got a sunburn.The really funny thing is that I had one of those tempory tattoos on my arm...and when I came home and took a shower to wash it off I was sunburned all the way around it!!So my arm is red all except for where the damn tattoo was.Its in the shape of an indian! (finally something exciting!!!!)We didnt end up staying the night down there cause it just didnt feel 'right'.By the time I got home I was so tired I went to bed and slept for 14 hours!!The band was really good....I really liked the lazer light show!! I screamed so much I lost my voice.I did drink yesterday, but not enough to even get a buzz...I think it was too hot for that. I got to taste Jack Daniels new flavor cooler. Its called Apple Smack.It tasted like apple jucie. There were alot of new drinks to taste...I probably tasted them all.My favorite was Captin Morgans Pina Colidia.It was a blue drink.I really don't think there was much alochol in them 'cause I drank 3 of them.The food was really good too.My favorite was the beef jerky.I ate that shit all day long.So all in all it was a pretty good day.I can't wait until the next one!!

I've been kinda bummed about my job lately.But I'm trying not to think about it.I'm gonna go monday to see if I can get my old job back at the dental lab.If not I'll go to the other bar down the road from here, the guy already told me I had that job.Don't worry I'll keep everyone posted!!! =O)

Ben told me yesterday that the band is on hatis.At first I was worried.There has been alot of shit going on with all the guys. I really thought they would break up!!But he just said that they were gonna give it a break cause him and Jacob are fixing to have finals.I really think that they are gonna make something for therselves.They all have the determnation that it takes....I hope that they get the break that they deserve.Things will fall into to place for them soon.I feel really close to them.(well everyone except Ducce)Jacob is like my best friend.He gives great advice.Spook and I have many many things in common. We get along pretty good.And then theres Ben....he means alot to me.Id do anything for him all he has to do is ask.Well I guess I've babbled enough for one day.....and I'm sure everyone has enjoyed my little ass kissing session to the band!! LOL (thats not what i was doing!!!)Untill next time HUGS to everyone!!

WOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO................I got the job!!!!! YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!! I went last night and talked to the guy. He was very impressed with how long long I had ran the other place. It's a really nice place,and all the regulars seem pretty nice.(Some of them are from my old job.....the hate the new girl)So they were happy to see me.I hung out there for a while last night.My first night is Wensday.I think I'm gonna like it alot.And I heard the tips are really good..... even during the week. I talked to my friend last night who used to work at the other place too. I'm not even there anymore an I'm in the middle of shit going on. For some reason everybody thinks I need to know everything that Tony does.....thats such shit. We are friends not married!!!We hang out thats all. So now everytime he does something wrong there calling me saying............. "Vivan....do you know what Tony did last night??"Well you know what? I don't give a flying shit! Hes grown.....you deal with him!!That's not my problem. AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGG...............That pisses me off so bad!! Ah well fuck it. Well I guess thats enough for now.......I feel better now that I got that all out!!! And I'm so glad I got a new job.I don't feel like such a looser now.Until next time........*HUGS AND SMILES*.

Ok I'm really depressed now.My little sister is almost grown.She got her senior pictures today and I cried like a baby.She looks so grown up in them.I can still remember when she was six......bugging the shit out of me.Always wanting to be around me and my friends.Always saying she was gonna tell on me for one thing or another.Then when she sarted middle school....she was so scared.She went to a school where noone knew me.So she really felt alone.I remember her eighth grade day....she was so happy to be done with those years.Then she started high school, I swear it doesnt feel like it was four years ago.This year has been the best for us. We have really gotten to know each other well.I'm so proud of her.Shes already accomplished so much more than I have.In two weeks she goes to prom.I can't wait to see her all dressed up.Shes gonna look beautiful.I'll be there taking pictures like crazy.Then when that magic is over, just a few more weeks and then she will graduate.Shes all grown up now.She will be off into the world trying to find herself.Finding her dreams.She has such a bright future ahead of her.Right now anything is possible for her.I love you Ashley......don't ever forget that.

Some people just get on my nerves.Like people who take and take and never give.I have this neighbor that really buggs the crap out of me.She always akes to use the phone.Well last night was the last straw.I had to make a verry important*EG* phone call and Icouldnt find my damn phone!! I paged it anf paged it and I never found it!! So I said screw it and went to bed.Then I woke this morning with someone beating on the front door....it was her.She had my phone!! She said 'Sorry I barrowed the phone and I forgot to bring it back'. WTF?!!?!? Forgot to bring it back!?!? How do you forget to bring a phone?AAAAAGGGGGGGGGGG.......some people really piss me off!! I'm gonna start charging 35 cents to use my phone.I'll put it in the 'Luv Fund'!! Sounds like a plan to me!!Well gotta go I got shit to do. *HUGS AND SMILES*

You wanna know what really sucks?? Jeliousy. It makes even the nicest person look so bad. You can't control it by any means.And it makes you say and do stupid things.And whats really bad is when you are jelous of someone you dont even know.But sometimes you can't help it. Like you know someone could have exactly what you want and they are to blind to see it.But on the other hand you feel that they see it but just don't care about it.You just want to grab people like that and shake some scence into them. And scream....'Are you blind?!?!?!'.Alot of people don't relize what they have until its too late.And some of those people are strong enough to admit defet and move on.But others can't do that.They hang on with both hands and try everything in there power to reclaim what could have been.Not worring or even caring who they hurt in the prosess.Just thinking about there selves.Stepping on who they want to, when they want to.And not even looking back.Well I better get out of here before I find myself in trouble.

Well there you have it ladies and gentelmen. Jeliousy at its finest. I would like to apoligize to certin people for that.(you know who you are).Although I still fell most of those things are true....not nessasarly about the person I was aiming them at.I knew this babblings thing was gonna get me in trouble some how.I was just upset yesterday and had no one to really let it out on.After I wrote that I felt a huge weight lift off of my chest. So I guess in some fucked up way this thing is helping me.Some of you are probably asking yourselves......"why doesnt she just write this shit in her dairy??". Well I'll tell you why........Because I don't want to!!!!! No I'm just joking.....I really don't know why. I guess cause when I write most of these I'm usually in front of my computer.I write alot of them in my note pad.(you know the one on most computers) and I save them. Then I add them whenever I get back online.And most of the time I don't like to bother the people I talk to online about my MANY MANY problems.Oh well if you don't like these........... STOP READING THEM!!!!!!! =P

Well I found out some really sad news today.One of my regulars from my other job got in a really bad accident friday night after the band.His name is Gordan and his wife Louis was with him.Louis is in really bad shape.....shes in intisive care and not expected to make it.Its so sad. They have only been married for 3 months.Gordan is hurt too, but not as bad as his new wife.He has a broken leg,two cracked ribs and cuts all over his face. Yes he was drunk....but no he didn't deserve this.I hate the thought of him loosing her.You wouldn't beleive what it took for them to finally get married.They have know each other for over 17 years.Both married other people only to find there true love in each other.Storys like that make you really want to believe that love DOES conquere all. Sometimes i really want to beleive that.So if anyone out there would like to remember my two friends tonight, it would be muchly aprecated. Untill next time *HUGS AND SMILES*

Here I am. Feeling the same feelings of worthlessnes again.I really don't know why I feel like this.Why can't things just work out the way you want them too? Why do you have to try so hard for something that you feel you deserve?Is that really fair?I mean I know things shouldn't be handed to you on a silver platter, but some things should be easier.You know that saying "everyones time comes"? Well I personally think that is bullshit.All those sayings are.Like this one "good things come to those who wait." Yeah right.And just how long are you suppose to wait for those things?Some people like myself get tired of waiting.I could think of a million of those saying that I totally disagree with.Oh heres one "love concers all."Ok well when does that happen?When your 97???I can think of a few that do apply to myself."If it wasnt for bad luck I wouldnt have any at all."and lets see"anything that can go wrong will"...those fit me more.Oh and I really love this one "when it rains it pours"Poor Poor Vivan.Hehehe..... I'm gonna have that put on my tombstone.It seems to go along with everything.Well I need to go...I have a speeding ticket that I need to try and get out of.Wish me luck. Untill my next bitch session.........*HUGS AND SMILES

Well I'm back....and no i didn't win. =(I had to fork out 285 bucks.Shit I did't want to do that.But I guess you just gotta do what you gotta do.Now I'll just have to put up with those cops bugging the shit out of me from now on.I'll get pulled over for everything I do now.Great like they needed another reason.Just one more thing to make my life hard I guess.Next time I'll know all the questions to ask though.The judge was a woman...and she had PMS really bad. She was being a bitch to everybody tonight.She put a guy in jail tonight without even asking him why he couldn't pay his fine!! Thats when I got really scared.Ashley asked me if I was fixing to cry...she said my voice was shaking really bad.I wasn't fixing to cry I was fixing to throw up.I was so nervous.I should have know that I couldn't beat a cop.It was his word against mine.It made me so mad....I was older than him too.Young punk. Well like I've said before.....I guess I'll just chalk it up to a learning experience.I guess I'm done for tonight.Until next time......see ya!!!

Have you ever had that feeling that you knew something was comming but you wern't sure what?Yeah me too...it sucks.And when it happens you feel like throwing up.Even though you knew all along that eventually it was gonna happen.Why are some people so gullible?I don't understand that.I think thats a very bad charater flaw.People like that set them selfs up for disappointment.You would think that knowing that it would make things easier.But it doesn't.Some like to beleive that it makes them stronger.I personally don't think that.If anything I think it makes them weaker.More prone for disaster.Like wearing a sign that says"Pick me...Pick me I'll be your idiot".I'm gonna get myself one of those signs.Im gonna have it engraved in gold.Famous last words of a fool.I don't think sleep is gonna come to me tonight.I don't want to take one of those sleeping pills. They make me feel weird when I get up in the morning.Have you ever watched a game show and the runner up wins those"Fabouls parting gifts"? Ever wondered what they were? I bet they are pretty good gifts.Probably not real expensive....but nice all the same.Maybe its something that they dont already have.That would make them happy.So everyone goes home with a prize.Seems fair enough...don't ya think?

Well hello everyone! Its me and I'm back better than ever!! Sorry about the last few bablings.....I was going through a ruff spot. I'm doing pretty good today.I've had alot of time to think things through.Have you ever been really sad cause you think you lost something that meant alot to you? And the pain is so unbearable that it feels like you just want to die?Well have you ever just thought about it for a while...and said ya know,I really didnt loose anything.I've just misplaced it.Sometimes you find that where it is now might be alot better than where is was before.So you work through the pain and keep telling yourself that some things were made to be in certin places.You might not totally agree with that now.But if your strong enough and brave enough you will be able to turn something tragic into something that feels really good.Some thing that you know will be permante, and you wont have to worry about lossing it for good.And thats the only thing you were worried about in the first place...loosing it.Well I'm gonna get out of here.Untill next time as always *HUGS AND SMILES*

Hello, and good day!I just dropped in to tell everyone about my new couch! It's not brand new...but it's new to me.I stopped at a yard sale today and feel in love with it.I sat on it for like 20 minutes in the peoples yard.So i decided to buy it.It's kinda an old couch but thats fine with me.It's kinda fun thinking about what something like that has been through.Thinking of how many christmas mornings a mom and dad sat on it watching there kids tearing open packages......seeing the look of joy in there eyes.Or how many late nights two young lovers sat on that couch....scared holding hands, watching T.V. wondering what the other is thinking.Hopeing that its the same thing that they are.The sunday mornings sitting there reading the funny papers.Laughing and sharing like normal familys are suppose to do. That's what I was thinking about sitting there in the middle of that yard.It made me wonder why people get rid of things like that.Kinda made me sad....but then I thought that I could give it a new set of memories.I'm gonna start working on that as soon as possible.Who knows maybe one day it will be sitting in my yard and someone will come by and sit down and think the same things.Yeah I'll have some of that to offer them when they sit down.I'm outta here.*HUGS AND SMILES*

Well tonights the big night or Ashley!! PROM!!She getting her hair done as we speak. I think I'm more excited about it than she is.I rememeber my prom too well.I wore a navy blue dress...and had babys breath in my hair.I've never felt so attractive before.I felt like I owned the night.The excitement was unbearable.The magic so intence. When my date and I walked into the room I felt everyone turn to look at us.The night was perfect.We danced and we talked.It was my last real night out in high school.If I would have known that I would have made it last a little longer.I think if things would have been different for me in high school, I would have a totally different life right now.I think I could find myself in a stable realationship. I'm not saying that I need someone to take care of me.Just that it seems like if things would have been differrent I would be more open to some things.I would be able to accept some of the atteion that I get.Instead of running for the hills everytime.I'm really bad about that, putting off things that might be okay.I really need to work on that.I don't think it's very good for me.I guess I just like feeling safe. Not opening myself up for something I don't need.Or something that I'm scared of.I think thats all it really is.I'm scared.Well I'm gonna get going.Untill next time *HUGS AND SMILES*

I've come to the conlusion that everybody has there own defention of the word 'Friend'.To me a friend is a person who accepts you as you are.They don't try to change you to fit there needs.A friend to me is a person who supports you in what ever decsion that you make.Even when they feel it's not a very good one.They let you make your own mistakes and if and when you fail, they are there for you to help you pick up the peices.A real friend lets you say whats on your mind and never ever questions your abiltys.But in order to have a real friend you must in turn return the favor.I think I make a good friend.(well I hope so at least)I pride myself on the fact that I don't judge my friends.I would never tell one of my friends that something that they beleived in was a crock of shit.I would never question my friends abitly to make the right decsions about what ever they choose to do.And I've never once told a friend 'I told you so'.I think thats a saying that never should be brought into a friendship.Some people take there friends for granted.They think that just becausr they are friends that they will always be there to take there shit.And most friends do.Thats when you know you have a great friend.When you stop and relize that you take more than you give, and your friend is still there for you.That's when you should thank your friend for being there for you.Tell them that you appercate everything that they do for you.And then trade places.You be the giver and let them take for a while.Thats how friends are suppose to be.Thats how I feel I am. I like having that title.Friend.Thats a very nice word.Well untill next time *HUGS AND SMILES*

Why is it as human beings we think that once we have been wronged that we need to find revenge? Its human nature.For some reason we think it makes us feel better to hurt someone back.But does it? I mean yeah it does for a minute....or even days.But after its over you feel really stupid.Two wrongs don't make a right...no matter how you add it up.It's never gonna end up being even. Some people catagorize things differently.So something that you think isn't that bad the next person might think is the most horriblest (is that a word?) thing that one person can do to another person.And sometimes words hurt more than actions. Words can strip you of your dignity.Words take something from you that you may never get back.Words are very powerfull things.They can make you feel like you own the world, or they can make you feel like your worthless. And worthless is a nasty nasty feeling.I find it strange that as humans we possess a power that strong.It's almost like a weapon.And like a weapon when in the wrong hands can serioulsy hurt somebody.Even if it is an accident.The repercussions can have the same effect.So if ever you feel wronged......think about your actions.They can serverly alter the course of another persons life with out you even relizing that.Think about it its really true.

Ya know you learn something new about yourself everyday. You might not nesasarly like what you learn but you learn it just the same.Here are a few things that I learned about myself today......1)I'm gonna be ok no matter what life hands me.2)What doesn't kill me is gonna make me stronger.3)God works in mysterious ways. And heres how I've come to that conclusion.1)I've found out alot of stuff today about something that in beleived in so much.Something that I put my whole heart and soul into.And if I made it through that with out a scratch I think I can handle anything. I'm not gonna form an opion about any of that.I can see both sides of the story. I totally understand what went wrong.I'm sorry that I had to be a part of that.Witch leads me to number2)It didn't kill me.It made me feel better.I don't feel that huge loss that I felt before.So I think it made me stronger.Added to my armor.I'm a pretty strong person, but I do have my limataions.And no matter how hard I try not to show any emotions....they are definitly there.Trust me on this one.3)This one I have always known about....it just seemed to be screaming at me today.I think god has a plan for each of us. And we may not like that plan, but he knows whats best for us.So he hands us dissapointment and we curse him for it.We tell him if he could only give us this one thing that our lives would be complete.But he knows better.And he takes the blame when he should be getting credit. He knows that we will find the streght to move on.I think i found the streght today.I'm gonna move on.I'm not saying that I wont look back.But I have a handle on things now.I feel like I'm back in control.God thats a great feeling!Until next time *HUGS AND SMILES*