First and foremost, I must praise the greatest hardware store in existence. If I lived in the Midwest, I would so work there (good thing I didn't go to the University of Chicago, eh?). I made the kiddies drive me into Milwaukee so I could walk around the store and hear the unforgettable jingle that plays incessantly throughout the store (great for long car trips, eh Grammy?). It was always kind of sad to come home, far away from the commercials and the Menards guy. But, thanks to one evening of insomnia when I was haphazardly flipping through the channels, I came across WGN-Chicago and saw a Menards commercial in the comfort of my own home. But, alas, my good friend has recently retired, and I have not yet had the opportunity to see his replacement (I hear she ain't got nothin' on the Menards man…). And, so, even though I have to write at least 2 novels before I die because they've already been dedicated and I'd have hell to pay if I went back on my word, if my career as a writer falls short of lucrative, I can always sit in wait for the Menards woman to retire, too.
I cannot talk about the Dairy State without paying homage to the Green Bay Packers (I'm beginning to realize that I might actually come across as quite the sports buff…which isn't exactly an accurate portrayal of the athletically inept Lisa Lacy). But, when I was in Green Bay, I did go to Lambeau Field and even took the tour with my family the year before our tour guide ever-so eloquently predicted his boys were going to "go all the way." (Hey, Brett Favre is from Mississippi!) I was able to buy a coveted cheese-hat (my head is too big for it, but my chances of wearing it at a game are probably not too good, so I'll save it for my grandkids [the ones who'll be getting the season tickets if I was to sign up for them now])…I even rang in the new year in good ol' Green Bay. Even though I had to have philosophical conversations with Clarence.
I kind of have to say at least something about cows and cheese since Wisconsin is "America's Dairyland." But, on the other hand, seeing that I now live in California, I kind of have to support "Real California Cheese." So, I'm kind of torn. They say blood is thicker than water, so technically I should advocate Wisconsin cheese. But, on the other hand, California is my home. But, California doesn't have anything as cool as cow-shaped (or beer-shaped) cheese...
And, there's my Wisconsin family! (Without which, I would never have found Tess d'Uberville's grave or have become a temporary cheerleader or have bought my very first Javy baseball cards.) And, I'd like to take this opportunity to give special thanks to them for purchasing that trampoline and therefore introducing me to "the one that got away." And that advice-giving pile-o-crap. And the ear-piercing Wench!
1) Cocoa puffs
2) "This is not a dot for laser tag."
3) "'There're rocks ahead.' 'If there are, we'll soon be dead.' 'No more rhyming. I mean it.' 'Anybody want a peanut?'"
4) "Oh yeah, he's honk-worthy."
5) Carrot-chopping
6) Richard's ass
7) The V-licker on the bus
8) Sunny D and pop-tarts
9) Javy and Chief! And that darn girl with the professionally-made sign!
10) The penis game
