I'm giving away FREE OF CHARGE these bits of wisdom on how do deal with the madness of a call center environment. Mind you, if you work for me and I catch you trying these out. I'm firing you. These are all meant for fun.....ENJOY.

1. When a Sales Agent calls in screaming and carrying on how what you can do for him is just not good enough. Turn down your phone volume to the lowest setting and ask him to speak up, because there must be a bad connection and you can barely hear him.

2. When a customer calls in (and mind you, I have never done this) and demands that you better pull a miracle out of your hat and set up his email. Tell him...I'm reaching into my hat....look...it's....it's...a miracle. Not only will the customer reach new levels of appreciation for you, but he will also let you know, that as of know you officially qualify as being a smart #@%!

3. Here is how the management thinks when it comes to dealing with our partners in DSL internet service:

    1. Allan addendum – I’ve been on the phone so long my kid thinks she’s an orphan (after waiting on hold so long)

   2. Next person that tells me they have DHCP I’m going to tell them to take some Penicillin for it.

   3. (about customers) If they tell you they have static IP’s telling to move their speakers away from their computer.

   4. Tell the customer to go to Radio Shack get a 3 phase adapter and plug in into 220 and he will get all speed he ever needed. – Customer that has speed issues.

   5. It’s too cold to surf – Tech told Gregg that a customer was surfing and it was chilly outside.

   6. (Our answer to the tech) I got a 68 Chevy that’s key and drive. – a tech saying DHCP was Plug N Play.

   7. Gregg was asked if he knew much about NT he said yeah that’s why I had Andy come and get me – No Transportation.

   8. “Let Ms. Cleo answer your questions.” - In regards to lonely customers.

   9. The only thing that will get that guy’s computer up is to open up that Cdrom drive and put in 4 Viagra.

   10. Tell him to telnet into the Redback and if that don’t work tell him to telnet into the Baby back and put some BBQ sauce on it.  – on partner resetting PVC.

   11. Tell the customer to take his right hand and pour a generous portion of super glue in it and then stick it to his forehead. On customer having  TCP/IP problems.

   12. Enough of that surfing I hit the sand and burnt my knees when I got that $90 Bill. – On surfing the Internet.

   14. What’s DHCP stand for? Don’t have cash to pay.

   15. I had an IP address stuck in my backseat for 2 days and it took forever to get it out.

   16. (what we would like to tell the customer) Take the hard drive and put in on a grill, baste it 5 minutes on one side and turn it over and baste it until golden brown.

   17. Jeff asked Gregg if a customer rang a bell and he said no but Heather Locklear does.

   18. I had one customer hang up on me, and I wasn’t expecting it I had to go home and get out the cotton swabs and get the plastic out of my ear.

   19. To a customer: Usually Mechanical Problems don’t fix themselves. If a car has a blown rod, it doesn’t repair itself.

   20. Tell him (our partner) I want him to come in visit I have this nice little coffeeshop in Uniontown I want to take him too. (It’s real close to the river!).

   21. About trying to get our partners to dispatch a truck to fix a line problem. If they rolled a truck they only rolled to the Dairy Queen.

4. SEE WHAT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH. I NEED A RAISE!

5. I always love it when a customer demands I get a truck rolled out to his place right now (If I know what's good for me). Tell the customer that they have been in his area for the last twenty minutes, but can't find his house. He needs to go outside and look for the emblem on the truck and when it passes by flag it down. That should keep him off the phone for a while. Hopefully, at least til it's time for you to go home.

6. Once had a customer tell my cohort that he needed his MFP number. I told him to tell him you had his MF number.

7. I always love the ones that tell me they know what they are doing when it comes to their internet service and after troubleshooting it, they don't even have the router plugged in. (where's my gun)